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IC recommendations on NC?

TX1995 posted 12/8/2017 12:20 PM

My situation is different than most, as my WH still works with his AP. My WH has done as much as he can to set boundaries with her, and has avoided most social contact in his small office (as she has NO boundaries). This includes missing any birthday celebrations, happy hours, Halloween, Thanksgiving and even the holiday party. She continues to push the boundaries though and will put herself in conversations with him, sit near him at unavoidable dinners, etc. He cannot control her, but does his best to stay away from her and not speak to her unless it is mandatory for their job.

So, that said, every day my WH sends me an update at the end of the day with any interactions that have occurred. (They work in a very small space and with a small team.) This includes walking by her, anytime she interjects in his conversations with others, anytime she comes into his office, and any emails from or to her. I asked for these emails as a way to avoid having to really discuss these interactions on a daily basis. It's been good for us. He emails before he leaves work, by the time he's home, I've digested that info and we can move on with our night. We are BOTH okay with this as he likes to do whatever he can to make me feel safe.

Now to my question. My IC (and his) has said that she thinks that the emails are a little bit too much. That *I* should be less focused on this woman and am giving her too much power. Both WH and I are very ready to move on from his job with her, and are biding our time until some other pieces fall into place so that he can leave without devastating us financially as well as risking the careers of some of the friends we've made (and who have literally followed him around their whole careers). To be blunt, if he left the company, it would fall apart and these families would be without a job in the next few months.

My IC has also said that I should stop waiting for him to leave his job, and what does it matter if he still works there with her? As long as I trust him not to do anything (which I actually do - he's come to the point where she annoys the crap out of him because she refuses to accept his boundaries), than why do I care if he leaves or stays. In essence, she is ok with contact.

Am I nuts for feeling like I just don't want contact because I cannot stand the thought of her anywhere near him? She's gotten off with NO repercussions: her husband fawned all over her the minute she told him (after *I* discovered the affair), she gets to be all chummy with everyone at their office and in their company (they've even talked about my WH being more distant and withdrawn and she's like "oh, I don't know why!"), and she took over planning the holiday affairs (she started doing it WITH my WH when she came into the company 2 years ago) and gave no consideration to him and his obvious displeasure at being with her in social situations. I just can't stand her and her narcissistic ways and I just plain want her out of my life. So WHY for the love of GOD does my IC want me stop wishing she did NOT work with my WH anymore???

sassylee posted 12/8/2017 12:31 PM

If they had the current level of contact but your H did’n’t tell you anymore...would you still feel safe? Safety, imo, is the most important part of healing. You must feel as safe as possible after betrayal.

Remember, these emails your husband sends...they do nothing to make ow pay for her crimes...they are not consequences for her. So identify the purpose they serve. That will help you decide what to do.

Personally, i would struggle with this level of contact...i wouldn’t feel safe...but thats me. Do you feel safe?

sassylee posted 12/8/2017 12:32 PM

Also, does your H resent having to send the emails? If no, then whats the harm?

tushnurse posted 12/8/2017 12:38 PM

Your IC doesn't understand infidelity.

dazed77 posted 12/8/2017 12:59 PM

I agree with tushnurse.

Sorry I don't know how to quote from your post, but the statement below is very concerning to me.

"My IC has also said that I should stop waiting for him to leave his job, and what does it matter if he still works there with her?

I can only speak from my POV. I would NEVER be ok with my WH being around his AP occasionally, much less every day at work. For an IC to suggest that you should get over it is simply showcasing his/her incompetence. It would have been a deal-breaker for our R to have my WH around his whore every day (especially by the way you describe your WH's AP and COW). I understand that it might take some time for him to find alternative employment, and you are doing the best you can in the meantime, but this set-up is really not conducive to healing (AT ALL). The way that you are functioning is like re-opening a wound everyday -at least IMHO.

CaptainRogers posted 12/8/2017 13:21 PM

Here is my question: if your husband doesn't have a problem helping you to feel safe, what is the harm? Your IC has obviously never experienced this inlife, nor has she gone through infidelity-related training & instruction.

What I am wondering is this, though: because the OW has zero boundaries, is this now an HR issue? While she is within her rights to speak conversationally, if your husband starts to feel pursued, this moves into the realm of sexual harassment. I know that it wouldn't be comfortable for your Bro talk about it with someone in HR, but it might stop it from continuing.

Oldwounds posted 12/8/2017 14:06 PM

I wish I had something cool to add TX.

But I do completely, and totally understand this:

Am I nuts for feeling like I just don't want contact because I cannot stand the thought of her anywhere near him?

Nope. Not at all in any way.

I couldn't do what you're doing for one day. You are displaying a level of bravery I don't have, and I'm 99 percent certain my wife would never hook up with her AP again.

It still is a bit like asking an alcoholic to work in a liquor store or a person trying to lose weight taking a job in a bakery. It is still possible for success, it just makes it that much more difficult.

If my wife's AP ever does walk into her office again, I'll be doing some serious jail time...

harrybrown posted 12/8/2017 14:26 PM

you are doing better than I am.

I could not handle it if she worked with the OM.

Keep up what you are doing until he does get a different job.

I feel if he is still working with her and she loves the contact that is too much temptation.

He needs to be safe and transparent. I hope he is able to get her out of there soon.

Jesusismyanchor posted 12/9/2017 17:14 PM

I say do what you can do to make you feel safe. You said you are both ok with the emails. Gently, I don't think it is Best for you to focus so much on her, what she says, where she was, is she planning a x-mas party etc. She does take up space in your head and in your M. But she will until he leaves his job! You are both choosing for your H to stay at his job for now and cope. You can't do NC so it forces you both to focus on her to a degree. Your zh has to focus on her too, did she come ina room, what did she say etc Your IC may be seeing the effects of this on you perhaps? This will not change and you aren't going to trust this situation blindly. That is not realistic. I don't think our MC or my IC would have expected that.

hugs to you. I couldn't do what you are doing, at least not in a healthy way.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 5:15 PM, December 9th (Saturday)]

TX1995 posted 12/11/2017 13:31 PM

Thank you all for your insight, and validation.

I talked to my WH quite a bit about this last night, and he falls on my side, that NC and him not working with her is ideal, and that working towards that day is our goal. He is completely understanding of why I just plain don't want him around her, and we are setting goals to make sure we can get to that point by a certain date, or he will just have to leave. Neither one of us wants to deal with this much longer.

To answer the main question: yes, those emails make me feel safer. While I honestly believe that my WH isn't interested in her, I feel like she has dangerous boundaries and I just f*ing hate the thought of her acting like she did nothing wrong. (She asked my WH the day after DDay if he though I was overreacting.) Those emails are my way of letting go during the day, when I know she is just feet away from him and refuses to stay away because she feels like she has the power. (And she does, as my WH let her have it in order not to deal with her.) She isn't sexual, so it would be hard to "report" her to anyone for being overly friendly. She really is an overshared and very "friendly". It just so happens that my WH was the only person in the office she decided to really glom onto for "guidance" (as he started/runs the office) and the only one she tried to f*ck. That we know of...

Anyways, JIMA, I think you might be onto the same idea as my IC. I do think it is hard for ANYONE to understand the emotions involved where infidelity is concerned and while my IC has counseled couples in this situation, she herself JUST got married, is about 10 years younger, and her life experiences are different. Honestly, had I not been through this, even talking to close friends and family who have been through it, I would have nor real way to relate to the pain. It's actually part of the reason I am feeling called into counseling - there are so many people out there who need comfort from someone who knows the unique pain of walking in a BS' shoes.

Thanks again!!

Jesusismyanchor posted 12/11/2017 23:42 PM

TX as someone whose H had a COW A in his office, it is next to impossible for them to feel what we feel unless they are amazing counselors. How could they. I mean really. I think the emails are like anything else my H still does or did do. It is similar to texting and getting a response back, GPS
S,, FaceTiming or taking a pic where you are to prove your whereabouts or who you are with. There is something to be said for his willingness to do what he can for you. It probably means something to you that he does. I don't think any of that will change Until he can replace his job nor should
Change is you feel like you need it.

I hung in as long as I could while my H was looking for jobs. I was at s breaking point snd we were very close to my H just quitting because there was just too much stress. We were on the brink. My H had offered to quit. Theee was just so mcub drama from that one source. I thank the lord that he got s job offer right at that time when I needed it. I hope and pray the same for you.

i hope your H can make that transition for you both. I was amazed at how much stress was also lifted off my H after he changed jobs. He really did want to get away from OW too.
The OW is my case sounds like s disgusting human being Like yours. No shame but also my H got to see what she was really made of.

thishurts123 posted 12/12/2017 07:10 AM

I agree that your IC seems to have a complete lack of understanding. There is no one size fits all in healing. If your husband is ok with the emails and it helps you feel safe than I don't see a problem.

Now I also agree that I could never be OK with the love of contact the OW has with your husband. It would make me crazy. But again, if you both feel the you are in a good place and heading in a good direction, then there's not much more to want. Sounds like you are both communicating. That's huge!

Wishing you the best!

Iwantmyglasses posted 12/12/2017 07:33 AM

You hit the nail on the head. She is 10 years younger and just married.

Our ic/Mc was a therapist for over 40 years.

With all this said. There is no way I could have done R if husband worked with OW. NONE. My sister was the OW. She and her MM worked closely together. Even business trips. He broke it off when wife discovered. It was an on and off affair for 7 years!!!! Now my sister is married to MM and his XW is “crazy” “horrible”. And whatever else.... two adulterers with zero shame call the XW

OW in our case also would try constantly email my husband. They didn’t work face to face in the same building. Just were able to arrange their travel schedule to meet each other. She finally stopped when I disclosed to her husband.

Sorry for digressing!! I do on some level understand getting to a point when this woman isn’t in daily conversation. Does he say her name in texts?

If the texts are in a “reporting mode”. Could your husband move the texts in a different wording? IE on his way home. “I am so happy to be seeing you shortly”.

It could move you into an excitement level of seeing one another vs. I have left the building because creepy is here.

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