SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

HeartbreakUSA posted 1/13/2018 20:15 PM

It is a long story so I will try to sum it up as quickly as I can. Every man I have ever been with, has cheated. The most recent being my H. April of 2016 he told he he loved me but didn’t know if he was IN love with me anymore. This was after about a week of him being distant, lack of affection, the works. I had asked him multiple times in that week if there was someone else and he always responded angrily, called me names, asked if I wanted there to be someone else, you name it. The day he told me he didn’t know if he was in love with me anymore the same questions arose and got the same answers and attitude. That day, he even started crying watching me become understandably upset. After this, I noticed his “quick errands” would turn into 2 hour long trips. He would come home and our dog would be sniffing him like crazy. And lots of other red flags but I will spare those. Fast forward to May 2016. I had talked with a good friend about what was happening and she told me she saw him talking to a woman at the store a few days back and she just got a really uncomfortable feeling when she saw the two together. With my detective work, I found out who it was and she confirmed. That evening I went to that store with our children and happened to see the unconfirmed OW. She looked at me like a deer in headlights and took off rather quickly. A couple nights later my H came home from a 2 hour long “motorcycle ride” and I found a longer hair in the band of his boxers....not my color and way too short to be mine. He of course denied anything and everything and insisted it was mine. My friend had told me about an app to track texts, calls, etc. and I was skeptical to try it. But after finding the hair, I had to. This is when everything was confirmed. The next day (after installing it on his phone) he was calling her and talking immediately after leaving for work. Talking for at least an hour. She started sending him dirty pics and exchanging I love yous. I was crushed. Devastated. My world stopped. Even though I had a feeling there was someone else, I NEVER thought he would ever do that to me. After about a month of fighting for my husband, he ended the affair. I felt I needed a second chance with him because the last few years of our relationship was very rocky. I had major issues, so I wanted a second chance to prove I could be the wife I should be. Fast forward to today. We are still together, he truly seems to be trying. He acknowledges his mistake and admits it was wrong and even wishes it never happened....but also gets very VERY upset if I bring it up. I can not get passed what he did. It hurts so badly every single day. He keeps saying, “how can we move forward if you keep bringing up the past” but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to move on from this. He said it happened because I kept pushing away and he felt unloved, honestly, I do see how he thought that but it doesn’t justify him having an affair. I do love my H and want to be with him, but how can I ease the pain? He has promised over and over it’ll never happen again yet he always promised it would never happen to begin with....I’m at a loss of what to do. He’s trying and I feel like I’m not giving my 100% because I can’t get passed it.

WhoTheBleep posted 1/13/2018 20:22 PM

Read the healing library in your upper left corner. Read up on the 180. This will give you strength.

His affair is not your fault. He had other options. I'm so sorry for your pain.

He is not remorseful and wants to rugsweep. This will not work. How do you know the affair has ended? Be wary of him taking it underground. VAR in his car. This will reveal much...

HeartbreakUSA posted 1/13/2018 20:26 PM

I still have a tracker app on his phone that allows me to see incoming and outgoing calls/texts etc.....so far there has been nothing alarming. He tells me of all “weird” numbers that call or text him (unaware that I have that on his phone and can confirm any and all numbers)

mharris posted 1/13/2018 20:58 PM

The tracker doesn't help you if he got a burner phone. You can get them anywhere. Walmart, gas stations, grocery stores. The OW could buy it for him. Or put him on her plan with an old phone. Don't get too comfortable just because the app doesn't show any activity.

HeartbreakUSA posted 1/13/2018 21:06 PM

Very true...I never thought of that :-(

OneInTheSame posted 1/14/2018 01:58 AM

Very true...I never thought of that :-(

That's what WE are here for!

He is also blame-shifting, and he is already making you think you should feel guilty for not "moving forward." DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO DO THIS!

And do not think that you are the one who needs a "second chance" to prove anything! He is darn lucky that you are willing to give him a second chance.

Tell him if he wants to see progress he must get into IC to dig deep and find out why he did this to you.

At this stage I agree you need proof he has gone N/C with the AP. Do not take his word for anything.

NoMercy posted 1/14/2018 05:22 AM

You've done yourself a great disservice.

The man completely disrespected you, lied to your face over and over and over and over, gave you the old "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech (a/k/a ILYBINILWY). He saw your pain when you would have these conversations and he STILL chose to please himself because your pain wasn't important to him. He continually lied to your face and called you names and told you that you were imagining things when you expressed how painful he was being to you.

And somehow, you've managed to really diminish YOUR pain and make it all about being happy for a second chance with this completely unremorseful lying cheater, instead.

You're actually grateful to get a 'second chance' with someone who thought so little of your pain that he went ahead and cheated on you and told you he didn't love you anymore and worst of all, seemed to be enjoying screwing you over right under your nose. He's a nasty SOB. Nasty.

And after you caught him, this has somehow turned into a complete rug-sweeping of his shit behavior. Worse, your arrogant cheating husband acts as though you have NO right to feel hurt or want to express how you feel, or talk about what you need to heal after the way he disrespected you. You're just supposed to shut your damned mouth and not nag him with that crap

And worse, instead of HIM being grateful that you didn't boot him out the front door (where he belongs), you're grateful to be given another chance to 'prove' yourself to him.

I get it. You weren't a model wife before hand. Big deal. So your 'punishment' for that was his acting like a dog in heat? The fact that you were less than perfect doesn't give him license to cheat on you and rub it in your face and act all justified for doing it. He's damned lucky you DIDN'T kick his arrogant ass right out the door and yet he acts like YOU'RE the lucky one.

Heartbreak, why have you chosen to swallow this huge shit sandwich he literally forced down your throat and deny your pain, your feelings, your desires, and your needs in order to heal? Why are you allowing this damned bully to TELL you how you should feel and tell you how this fake reconciliation is going to go? He's completely unremorseful. Utterly and completely unremorseful for what he did.

It's not true reconciliation when the cheater feels completely justified for his shit behavior and has zero remorse. This will happen again because those with zero remorse have NO problem stepping over the line again and again.

Don't you think it's about time you stopped being 'grateful' he's still there and you start addressing your OWN needs? It's not his damned place to tell you WHAT you feel and WHAT you need.

Don't disrespect yourself anymore and continually swallow your own pain just to keep him happy. All you're teaching him is that he can lie to you, cheat on you, disrespect you over and over and over - and you'll REWARD him for his shit behavior in the end because you're so grateful that he didn't leave you. That's the message you're sending him. Stop shortchanging yourself.

Lastly, you're nowhere near a true reconcilation. Your husband has absolutely NO remorse whatsoever. None. He doesn't want to do anything to try fix the damage he's done, he has ZERO empathy for the pain he caused you, and all he wants to do is shove this under the rug and move on.

He has no remorse whatsoever. I can't stress that enough.

But when a cheater has absolutely NO remorse - like him - they usually cheat again. And again. And again. Your pain means nothing to an unremorseful cheater. And you're seeing exactly how little your pain means to your husband every time he tells you to stop talking about the affair.

He's not safe to re-invest in. He's not safe.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 5:36 AM, January 14th (Sunday)]

HeartbreakUSA posted 1/14/2018 11:52 AM

Sometimes I do truly believe he feels bad for what he did. He does entertain my worries, for example, if he has a meeting at work that makes him have to stay late, I ask him to send pics of where he’s at/what he’s doing and he gladly does it. I can even look into the info of the pic to see what time it was taken to verify it was recent. Yes, the part to where I can’t really talk about his affair really upsets me. I feel like I need closure. In the past, he has been very open to answering questions and every so often I ask the same ones to see if I get the same response. His story never changes but he is just getting annoyed by me asking the same questions. He has told me multiple times that he would completely understand if I divorced him because of what he did and I have told him multiple times that I will not tolerate it and if it happens again I’m done and gone. We do have small children, I don’t want to work it out because of them entirely, they are actually a smaller part of the reason.

mharris posted 1/14/2018 17:02 PM

Has he written you a timeline, by any chance? Do you know all the Who/What/When/Where/and How ? Answers? It sounds like he is giving you the bare minimum details to save his add. If you don't know these answers, how will you know if he's up to it again? Your mind will drive you crazy.

mharris posted 1/14/2018 17:03 PM

Btw. Prepare yourself for more OW. The one you know about might not be the only one. Ask me how I know.

HeartbreakUSA posted 1/14/2018 19:33 PM

He has not written me a timeline no. I do know who it was, where the encounters occurred, the only thing I do not know is how long it went on. He said they started out as friends at work and she started showing interest. I did read a text from her to him where she admitted to pursuing him. We were having issues at the time and our stress levels were both through the roof, it does not condone his behavior by any means but I can see how he was easily manipulated/starving for attention. He was getting it from her. All he was getting from me when it happened was attitude and the cold shoulder. He is a very affectionate person. I was not giving him the proper affection. Our sex life was good, always had it almost every day which is why I am fairly certain it had nothing to do with the sex aspect. I truly do hope it won’t happen again....it likely will because that’s how my luck runs....I’m trying to be more positive and affectionate to him and he has always been that way to me. I just don’t know....

The1stWife posted 1/14/2018 20:14 PM

For what it’s worth (FWIW) my H gave me the same speech and had plans to D me (I found out after DDAY2).

We have reconciled. He has changed and admitted all of his mistakes.

He made many of the typical cheater mistakes like trying to blame me for his A and not telling the entire truth when he should have. Plus he really wanted to rug sweep this A but I refused to let him.

He would get angry at me but I would not back down. I was no longer a doormat. And if he wanted to stay M it was my way to reconcile or he had to leave.

His first EA he lied and stonewalled and gaslit me. 4 years of crap. And then it was rugswept.

So he got a free pass and cheated again.

Please don’t let that happen to you. I got the ILYBNILWY speech. I got the we’ve grown apart. I heard we don’t communicate. All lies and excuses for the A.

An A occurs by choice. Two people CHOOSE to make it happen.

I hope you can find your voice to tell your H that ignoring the issue is not going to fix the problem or the issues. It should be dealt with head on. Professional help may be required.

I wish you the best. It is a tough road to reconciliation. But two committed people can do it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:10 AM, January 15th (Monday)]

HeartbreakUSA posted 1/14/2018 21:03 PM

Thank you! I am definitely standing my ground and continuously telling him it’s not going to go away, neither what he did, nor my feelings. He respects the fact that when he goes out to run an errand I insist on being on the phone with him until he gets home, some days it’s hit or miss about talking about the A but honestly at this point.....it is hard to talk about because it is coming up on two years. He wants to put the past behind us, as do I but the pain is definitely a rollercoaster ride. I have many good days then a few bad. He is getting better at me telling him I’m having a bad day, I truly hope there won’t be OW and I can bluntly ask him if I am being paranoid. I am always paranoid....and there have only been red flags of cheating when he was actually doing it. I am making sure to be even more observant than before.....I wouldn’t mind C but the mental health place in my area is not very good.

HartShotAt80 posted 1/20/2018 05:43 AM

Wow! No Mercy hit the nail right on the head!

DarkHoleHeart posted 1/20/2018 10:18 AM

HeartbreakUSA, please, really read what NoMercy has written.

I am definitely standing my ground and continuously telling him it’s not going to go away, neither what he did, nor my feelings.

I would like to say that why you are feeling 2 years out is completely on him, but it won't be true. It is also because you allow him to (passively) hurt you. Sweeping under the rug (that's what he's doing and you try to cooperate) works for the cheater and slowly kills BS.

Please, take steps to get out of infidelity ASAP. You are still in it.

[This message edited by DarkHoleHeart at 10:18 AM, January 20th (Saturday)]

Jesusismyanchor posted 1/20/2018 11:50 AM

I am so sorry you are here and hurting. One thing I did not detect is your posts (unless I missed it) isnhiw he is working in himself. What is he doing to uncover his brokeness and to become a safe partner. Things like this don't just happen. Tacking him and transparency and such are good tools but don't change the condition of his heart and his faulty thinking.

You could not have been a 'better' W to prevent this. You can't move forward without process what happened in a healthy way and going through that pain. It doesn't work that way. I suggest getting the book How to Hekp your Spiuse Heal from Ana Affai me is you have but yet. Your H has lots of work to do to become a safe partner and help you feel safe.

Please don't fall to the pressure is rugsweeping. It will only come back up again later and you won't feel comfortable and secure in your M.

Hugs to you. It's so hard, especially with young kids and when you love your H.

ETA: His promises at this time are empty words IMO. He promised before and probably meant it but didn't keep it. They can be sincere but still lack the character to keep it long term without working in the core issues in their life.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 11:51 AM, January 20th (Saturday)]

Destroyed9592 posted 1/20/2018 23:35 PM

Ive learned cheaters will make up any excuse to cheat. They are great manipulators and deceivers.
He doesn't care about your feelings and will do it again. Be careful