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Lack of Sympathy for WH?

TheCaterpillar posted 1/17/2018 14:16 PM

I'm worried that a combination of factors (mostly the A but other hardships too) is turning me into a cold person.

WH is in bed claiming a woozy head and bad stomach. He was in bed with it all day yesterday after feelng ill on Monday (which we both felt and attributed it to both having less than 3 hours sleep on Sunday night). He does have a mildly self-destructive streak when it comes to illness where he won't help himself. He's also on SNRIs (has been for over 2 years on a gradualy increasing dosage).

When he's neauseous in the morning he doesn't take his meds. So he's cranky and irritable and wants to sleep. Which means he doesn't eat or drink, which makes the nausea worse. I understand that it's hard, I've struggled with depression and anxiety, including an overdose while we were spending time apart last year. But all I can think and feel is frsutration when he won't eat something, won't take pepto to help his stomach.

Last year he had lots of stomach issues, suspected ulcer, we had a stomach cancer scare, so I genuinely worry when he's being sick and won't line his stomach. It worries me, we financially can't afford serious illness (he was made redundant after his stomach illnesses so we've been gradually paying medical bills and only just finished paying). His new job does not have the same level of medical coverage so it'd be even more expensive now. PLus he's commission only, so when he doesn't go to work, he doesn't earn. He's not worked a full week in January and I worry about money. I know illness can't be helped but I feel like we should both be doing our best to avoid time off.

On a less practical level it just bugs me...I feel bad for thinking it but his lying in bed wihtout trying to get better frustrates me. It's such a mean thought to have. He's been smoking weed in the evenings, I'm pretty sure it's contributing to the nausea but he won't have it. I feel like if he'd take some pepto it may help the swishing in his stomach, even if he still had the headache. And even though he's been sick, I want him to eat and drink so it doesn't damage his stomach lining.

Maybe I'm just ranting. I just feel such burning annoyance and at the same time so guilty for being hard on him. I feel myself constantly gritting my teeth or biting my tongue not to say anyhting mean.

How can I learn more patience?

TheCaterpillar posted 1/17/2018 14:36 PM


Last year we reached a point where I felt like nursemaid/mother/housekeeper to a child. He was so stressed that he became moody. I'd spend over an hour (sometimes over 2hours) trying to coax him out of bed each morning ("5 more minutes", "come back at half past"). It was like I became some irritable combination of the speaking clock and mother of a sulky teenager. it's not his fault, he was stressed and ill but I'm worried we're sliding back into that and it sounds like a terrible thing, but I'm not sure I can do it. I know other people care for spouses who are much sicker, have much more severe needs but I just don't know if I can do it.

I love him so much and R is going as well as can be expected bad that I'm this frustrated? There's a part of me that wants to give him a metaphorical kick up the butt. He's just won an award in his new job and I can't stand to see him throw it away.

The1stWife posted 1/18/2018 06:50 AM

I understand the frustration of watching adults not do everything they can to help themselves.


The resentment of being forced into the ďmotherĒ role is also not onecwe signed up for as spouses. I get it!!

Maybe they need a dose of tough love.

TheCaterpillar posted 1/19/2018 13:40 PM

I just worry that the hardships of the last few years has turned me cold. I used to be the person who would do anything to make him feel better and fix someone who was sick.

Am i becoming a bad person?

Lovedyoumore posted 1/19/2018 13:53 PM

Check interactions with his current Meds and see if he can take meclizine. It's an ingredient in some nausea drugs and motion sickness drugs. I take it for occasional dizzy bouts caused by ocular migraines. You can get it in it's pure form by asking at the pharmacy counter. It's OTC, but some places keep it behind the pharmacy counter. It comes in a chewable form or under tongue so no fear of stomach ulcer. It knocked my dizziness and nausea right down. It can cause drowsiness.

On another note, if you are both experiencing intermittent nausea, headaches, and sleepiness, please check for carbon monoxide. This time of year the "flue flu" can be dangerous.

TheCaterpillar posted 1/29/2018 14:48 PM

We don't have any gas appliances (our house isn't even connected).

I will check about the meclizine. He might need to consult the pharmacist about his current meds and previous meds.

I'm just having a hard time being a caring wife. I want to be someone who takes care of their spouse but frankly he hasn't worked a full week in the whole of January and it's always just "I feel tired" or "my tummy is churning" but never any actual sickness or bad bms. I honestly see a correlation that the days he can't get out of bed in the morning or comes home early for tiredness seem to come the day after he's smoked weed. And frankly if it's self-inflicted I'm tired of it. We've had a crumby couple of years and I am bugged that there would be any extra crappiness from something so unnecessary as smoking weed. He does his "so what, it's just weed" but, frankly, it's treat money despite us always denying ourselves treats. We never go out, I never buy clothes/make up etc. And...o's not actually legal here!! "it's not like alcohol, you don't get a hangover". I don't know whether the science behind this is true but it sure does seem like it from where i'm sitting.

I sound so resentful and I'm worried that the resentment is something underlying from the As. I don't want to be angry and resentful but I'm hvaing trouble letting go of my negative attitude right now.

Crushed7 posted 1/29/2018 19:33 PM

There have been 2 major DDays with ? in-between with the latest only being about a year ago. You have every reason to need your space, to be dealing with anger and to not want to engage much due to an underlying lack of trust. But then you also have...

He does his "so what, it's just weed" but, frankly, it's treat money despite us always denying ourselves treats. We never go out, I never buy clothes/make up etc.

So you have a WH who continues to be self-centered and entitled. He gets to splurge on himself while you sacrifice for "us", but really it is giving up yourself for him.

I'm worried that the resentment is something underlying from the As.

At least from what you've written, it seems like it is all interconnected. Your WH still has the core self-centeredness along with the need for some form of external input to fill/numb a character gap that is inside. In short, it doesn't sound like he has done the work to really become a partner that is capable of giving you the love and respect that you need.

I think that the problem isn't that you are becoming a cold person, but that you are being financially and emotionally abused and it is slowly draining the life out of you. The answer isn't more patience on your side, but that you likely should be angrier about the situation you are in -- trying so hard to care about him when he won't care about himself or you.

moralhighground posted 1/30/2018 11:57 AM

Thereís nothing wrong with you, he sounds like an idiot.

If I were you Iíd just ignore him. Just tell him if he insists on ignoring your advice you wonít be providing any more. Sleep in a different room if you like, and donít stand around putting up with his whining.

If you want a treat, have one! And if youíre really concerned about his health, maybe call his mom/someone who cares to come and nurse him for awhile.

I feel like men in general often take terrible care of themselves when theyíre sick. They want to be bullied into everything and fussed over. I too am tired of it. If my husband insists on getting sunburned all summer, he can have a sunburn and I will just stay out of it. My days of forcefully applying sunscreen to him are over.

Before the affair, I remember seeing those videos of men hooked up to the machine that feels like labour contractions. I couldnít stand the thought of doing that to my husband, of pushing the button that causes someone pain. During his affair my husband made a comment to his AP about watching me give birth. Now, I could push that button all day long. I donít want to hurt other people. But heís a jerk and he kind of deserves it.

Iím guessing this feeling fades eventually when enough time has passed where he treats you like a human being. But sympathy for the devil is in short supply.

Barsol posted 1/30/2018 15:43 PM

This is no where near what you are experiencing but based mainly on the reading of the title of your thread.

My WH had fairly extensive, painful dental surgery a couple of months ago and aside from the pain, which obviously subsided after a few days ,he was upset about his appearance (which will be rectified soon with second set of surgery) and frankly I didnít and donít give a shit. A part of me was glad he was/is suffering. Itís not a part of me I like but there it is.

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