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25years For nothing

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Weaver2018 posted 1/22/2018 16:49 PM

Jan 13, I caught my wife cheating, she was suppose to be out with her girl friends, she kissed me good by at 8:30 am and headed out for a day of shopping and time with the girls. 20 minutes later I run to take off the trash and go to get my son and I something to eat. I accidentally find her car at a location it should not be then I call her and confront her. She wont come out of the house and did not come home for 4 hours and when she did she packed her things and just left. She left a marriage of 25years a son and 3 dogs. Its like a switch flipped and I am no longer important to her at all...our son begged her to stay to be home with him and she refused saying she loved him and it would not be fair to me to try to make it work when she wanted to be with him. Now get this he is a two time felon and looks like dog poo. I consider myself a fairly handsome man but this was a major ego buster. I cryied whailed begged and everything you can think of to get her to come home and she simply refused. Now her parents have all but disowned her, as well as her brother. I thought I was a good husband, I worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to make a good home for her. She is bipolar and has to be on meds. Before all this she would talk to her parents 1-2hrs anight now she barely talks to them at all. She calls my son and tells him she loves him but never asks how I am doing or handling this. Today at the local gas station I ran into them by accident again this time she dropped her head and ran by me while her paramour wanted to get chesty with me. The monday after all this happend we signed separation papers and she keeps telling me give me some time and let me figure things out. Today I came to the realization that I have been used for the past 10 years of our marriage she was planning on a way out but kept up the fake love of a wife and I was naive. She has no intention of ever returning to my home even though she is the reason its destroyed. I am a smart man but this time I was totally blindsided, I had been doing things to try to rekindle what we had when we were first together but looking back now over the phone records I never had a snowballs chance in hell as she works with him and they were on the phone 6-18hrs aday yes a day as she would come home and go to her closet (16x26room) and smoke cigs and talk to him unbeknownst to me as I thought she was talking to her girlfriends. While I know this is not my fault she made the decisions to do what she had done but I think the thing that hurts the most is she keeps trying to string that bit of hope that she will come back some day in front of me like a carrot. Today was the most prolific as its day 9 of the knowledge. She once again said just give me time...I said would you do it in your own place away from him and she said no. So to me that means its really really officially over as I really dont think I could ever take her back while she is there screwing him daily while I am here in hell trying to recover. She has offered no remorse, no inclination of love towards me its like I am dead to her. Im tired of hurting and I want to move on but my heart keeps screwing it up as I truly deeply did love her. Now that I look back on the history and her actions of our marriage all I can feel is rage and betrayal. I dont know how to get past it. She has left me with a 22yr mentaly unstable bipolar son who has never worked a day in his life and weighs close to 350lb because of her molly coddling. Looking back over the whole history she abandoned her first husband and his child which died of spina bifida, and she had a second child with him that she put up for adoption but he came and got it. Now looking back on my marriage I see where we had our child but she aborted a second one now I have to think that one wasnt mine hence why she aborted it. Now she has abandoned us and it makes me see just how selfish and self centered she truly is...but I so want closure...she was going to use me until the income tax came in until I upset her apple cart. Every day this eats at home is empty now because I basically erased her from my home by putting everything that was hers or reminded me of her into storage for her to get. I just want the pain to stop I dont want to hate but its eating me up inside how someone could be so insidious....I took her to her parents for christmas in mich and she was sexting him while at her parents house. Her dad is furious as to how she disrespected his home. Im stuck at the moment and just dont know which way to turn.

LivingWithPain posted 1/22/2018 16:52 PM

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Move on and divorce my friend. There is nothing to save here. You know, some people hit middle age and something happens to their hormones and they just go completely off-the-rails batshit. Sounds like a major midlife crisis she is going through or something.

Get a good lawyer and protect yourself.

Weaver2018 posted 1/22/2018 16:59 PM

Unfortunately in NC I have to wait a year its called a cooling off period...problem is even if this affair ends and she wants me back I cant in good conscious do it. The betrayal, lying alone not the fact that she is sleeping with him is whats killing me I worked so hard now I have to take care of my son by myself even before when she was here the only thing she contributed was groceries she never helped with the bills, always complained about me being broke because I was paying for everything just so frustrated. So with a year wait I have to suffer while she is out having fun screwing her paramour and I am here alone dealing with my son and pets. Its not fair.

atreides posted 1/22/2018 17:06 PM

Very sorry you are here...

The more you chase and give in to any bullsh!t or need she has the more pain, manipulation and control she will have over you.

You need to prepare legally and move on and foremost build up a new and confident you. In this move of yours, she may snap again and when you hit that point, we can help more if you want to consider R but for now it seems you don't and good on you.

For now, get out of infidelity by showing her you can move past her and live a life with your son without looking back while you are in this legal limbo your state requires.

[This message edited by atreides at 5:07 PM, January 22nd (Monday)]

Tren0R201 posted 1/22/2018 17:10 PM

Life is not fair, but this isn't about fairness this is about right and wrong and respect.

Cooling off period or not, see a lawyer and get advice on how to plan separating money, what she might be entitled, your rights etc. At least you can get the ball rolling.

GoldenR posted 1/22/2018 17:14 PM

You have literally no reason to talk to her AT ALL for the time being. Your son is an adult, and you have a year to wait.

Detach. Detach. Detach. Detach.

I would also expose to her workplace. Doesn't matter if you don't want her back. They need their bubble burst badly.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:14 PM, January 22nd (Monday)]

Drumstick posted 1/22/2018 17:31 PM

First off, I’m sorry.

DO NOT EXPOSE HER AT HER WORK... at least not yet.

I see you’re in NC. This state still has good divorce laws. See an attorney and file for divorce based on adultery. You shouldn’t have to pay alimony if you can prove adultery in NC. Also, seeing you have a stay at home son... make sure you explore child support, assuming your son cannot work due to this condition. She should pay for this... and the reason you don’t want to expose at work, at least yet. You need her to have a job during separation. After the divorce goes through... have at it, but realize she may lose her job, thereby hindering support payments.

Weaver2018 posted 1/22/2018 17:40 PM

I already have a lawyer and we have signed separation papers that divided the assets fortunately we never held a joint account and I separated my cell off her account to my own and she now has to pay for her car on her own and her own insurance. Additionally she has to pay me 100 a month to compensate for me having to keep her on my insurance until the divorce. Until the end of this month she has to provide my son and I grocery money so that I can regroup my bills. Basically at this point she is about paying me vs me paying her anything. While I know everyone is saying cut her loose I just hurt and the betrayal is unbearable. I want to get on with my life right now I am just so numb mentally its hard to focus on anything. I dont even want to touch my hobby of 3d printing anymore. Really sad part is she left her two dogs here which I dispise as every time I look at them all I see is her and the male continues to piss all over everything so I am constantly cleaning. Only thing left in my house right now is basic furniture and kitchen items for my son and I to survive the home echos its so empty. I had started a new job in August making a lot more money but she couldn't contain herself and try to make the marriage work before running off with another man she opted to do this so I know its not my fault. She is a serial abandon er so I guess I should have seen this coming but my vision was clouded with what I thought was love.

Drumstick posted 1/22/2018 18:27 PM

Did you talk to your attorney about whether she should pay you alimony? If not... why not?

atreides posted 1/22/2018 18:42 PM

Weaver, it sounds like you then have a plan so the pain is now left...
You must do what you love like the hobby you mentioned, you must rebuild yourself... I can't stress that enough. There is no easy fix to make it go away other than the work you put on you.
Maybe start something new, a new hobby to symbolize your new beginning?

Weaver2018 posted 1/22/2018 20:16 PM

I have talked with my lawyer about alimony unfortunately since I made the most and was head of household she is not liable for any alimony. I think we covered all the bases of finances to include my home since it is owned by my parents and even if my parents ever give the home over in my name she can never access that in the future. I am still surprised that someone could be so cold calculating and evil to do this to me. All I ever did was try to provide a good home for her and love her with all my heart. Sure as time goes on things happend, I had two hernia surgeries, Kidney stones 3x, Thyroid issues, I'm 6'2" 250lb so not obese by any means, and last but not least Diabetes and a Cpap. And because I was trying to provide for her I have had to have 3 teeth extracted because I could not afford to get crowns. The deeper I delve into the history of our marriage the sicker and more shocked I become after opening my eyes. She was cold and methodical in how she went about doing this I was used from the moment she decided she no longer loved me. That kind of betrayal is so painful and hard to swallow. How do I even try to begin she has taken everything from me that made me, me.

pureheartkit posted 1/22/2018 21:26 PM

No, you are still you. You are still inside there. Even if you don't feel like doing your hobbies now, it's ok. So take a break. You just need to watch your health and try and rest.

Could she take her dogs? You are looking after your son now.

She's not thinking right at all. Nothing you could have done. It's like a natural disaster or a fire. You have the painful work of cleaning up what's left.

I would get some paint and paint one room you like a color you love and get a soft carpet and a piece of art that speaks to you. You need one space there that comforts you.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you aren't worthy. You have a fine soul and you are worthy.

TimelessLoss posted 1/22/2018 23:22 PM

Weaver, your pain jumps off the page. I'm sorry you find yourself here. As painful as it is, it is good that you are looking back and taking a realistic view of your marriage (M). Certainly a lot of the pain comes from a growing understanding that your M, and your W, was not what you thought. So you are seeing yourself as having been deceived for many years. You will come to understand that nothing you did caused her deception and betrayal. And you will come to understand that there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. I know that coming to those two understanding seems impossible now. But you will. It will take time, and healing.

Destroyed9592 posted 1/22/2018 23:53 PM

She is truly cruel like most insensitive cheaters who dont care about there partners feelings.
She has obviously confirmed she is cutting all ties through her actions.
You must stay strong and move on for you and your son.

Tren0R201 posted 1/23/2018 00:58 AM

How do I even try to begin she has taken everything from me that made me, me.

I understand the wallowing and the self pity but did she take your boy?

Be very careful not to try and magnify while forgetting the things that are truly important. What she did didn't come as a terrible surprise because you know her. Focus on healing, and bettering yourself, in that respect you're way ahead of her. And some point she will have to look at herself and what she's done by that time hopefully you'll be so far ahead all she will see is your dust.

Weaver2018 posted 1/23/2018 05:01 AM

Its the beginning of day 10 the antidepressants are starting to kick in and I am a bit more numb towards her. If I have any thoughts its more of the betrayal than of her being in bed with him. At least my chest isnt hurting this morning like it has for the past week. I have some food in me and my sugar is back to 115 this morning so thats a good thing. I appreciate all that have responded so far I will touch base when I get home this evening again thank you for helping and supporting me here.

Weaver2018 posted 1/23/2018 05:02 AM

Its the beginning of day 10 the antidepressants are starting to kick in and I am a bit more numb towards her. If I have any thoughts its more of the betrayal than of her being in bed with him. At least my chest isnt hurting this morning like it has for the past week. I have some food in me and my sugar is back to 115 this morning so thats a good thing. I appreciate all that have responded so far I will touch base when I get home this evening again thank you for helping and supporting me here.

goalong posted 1/23/2018 05:17 AM

It is not like sneaking for 2 hours. Living with the POS will present her new realitiesthat affect het foggy mind and unicorn world. Worst thing you can do is giving her the impression that you (BS) still want her. Cheaters need that to enjoy cheating. When you act like you are going to end everything they get a shock. As you may have seen getting D papers often make the cheater coming pkeading back. So act 180 even if you want to reconcile with your no moral wife

NoMercy posted 1/23/2018 08:24 AM

Did your lawyer happen to mention to you that you live in one of the 7 states left in this country that STILL allow Alienation of Affection lawsuits?

If you're smart, you'll use this as leverage against your soul-sucking she-devil of a wife - tell her you won't bring an Alienation of Affection lawsuit against lover boy if she agrees to a more beneficial division of assets in YOUR favor.

Seriously. Look into it!!

[This message edited by NoMercy at 8:26 AM, January 23rd (Tuesday)]

fooled13years posted 1/23/2018 08:51 AM

Weaver2018 – NoMercy is correct. I filed an alienation of affection lawsuit against my former friend. This suit did not come to fruition through the court system as his parents made me an offer to settle the case. I took the settlement even though I was told I had a very strong case. I just wanted to end all contact with my ex-wife and former friend and start my new life. FYI my new life is going great so take heart, there is a new life after what you are going through. Stay strong!

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