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25years For nothing

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TimelessLoss posted 2/3/2018 23:21 PM

Weaver,

I'm going to suggest something to you. And it concerns the 2/28/2018 deadline for her to have everything removed from the house. Is it still only the car and the dogs that are left? Work with her parents to have the car taken to their place. The dogs as well. In any case, have a plan in mind/in place for the arrangements to have the last of her things removed. That will be a triggery event for you. Planning it out will give you a sense of control.

Weaver2018 posted 2/4/2018 07:46 AM

Timeless, her parents are 700 miles away so them taking the car is hard at best. I have however looked at a storage lot for the car and my father has a friend with a rollback that will come move it if they do not get it. As for the dogs, my son is begging me to keep them. I told him at this point I want them gone. I have already talked to a rescue program that will take them and place them in foster homes. The dogs are the biggest point of contention between my son and I even though we have bonded over the past few weeks. Its frustrating but I am starting to get used to coming home to an empty house. The pain is not as bad as it was 3 weeks ago. I continually try to clear my mind of her. She was a weak woman and did not love me enough to prevent this so this is all on her not me. It is hard to steel your heart against someone that you loved unconditionally for so long and overlooked their shortcomings. But each day I get stronger and the wall goes higher.

The1stWife posted 2/4/2018 08:04 AM

Weaver. Good job on getting to a better place and your son will benefit from everything you do.

It’s not 25 years lost or wasted. Please don’t look st it like that.

Just b/c your W has become a poor role model and less than a wife - there were still good times and happy times. Those 25 years were not a waste. They were your life. And you should not feel like a failure b/c of your W. She failed. Not you.

And hopefully your future holds even better times.

Weaver2018 posted 2/4/2018 09:40 AM

Thank you, I am trying each day to just put it behind me. yes there were good times and a lot of bad the last couple years. I just want to put the hurt away and if I have to remember stuff just remember the good times which now looking back on it were not that many as she manipulated me in so many ways. She used to accuse me of cheating all the time and called me a liar. I am now beginning to realize it was her covering for her own cheating and lying. I only feel like I failed in respect to not recognizing this all sooner and having parted ways before all this pain was inflicted. That's the only real failure I see as I could not control her she made the decision to be weak and succumb to what she did its her fault not mine.

Strutter1960 posted 2/4/2018 11:24 AM

Weaver,

You're telling my story- line for line. With the exception that all my kids are out of the house.
The dogs, the abandonment, everything you're experiencing. Identical. The part about 50 bags of clothing is sobering to me. Mine was the same. She floundered away a ton of money on clothes & shoes which never satisfied her. Many times never wearing them-tags still attached.

A few days ago you wrote:

...whipped for to many years cause I thought I was in deep love when it was all a Lie

That- by far, has been my biggest hurdle as well. The loss of my best 'friend' and accepting she was probably cheating on me a long time before she got busted. That was the lie. With friends like that who needs enemies, right?

In hindsight, Mine seemed to silently/secretly chase the romance fantasy when our sex life got slow, mentally decided to give herself permission to cheat, did so, and is now neuro-chemicaly bonded with her AP. I can sense it when she has a physical presence around me. Sort of like pheromones that set me off into an agitated state. And that's just the physiological side of it. Not counting the mental, emotional and spiritual. I try to keep my distance because of that if I am forced into an encounter.

Keep posting. You are an inspiration to many guys here, me included. For me Today is day 147 she's gone. It gets easier but the struggle is real.

Weaver2018 posted 2/4/2018 12:39 PM

I appreciate knowing that mine was not a unique case. Thing is I really am at the point that I don't care if she is with him or not simply put she broke a sacred trust and I can never forgive that. I can forgive her for a lot I can forget a lot but 1 item I cannot forgive is her stabbing me in the back when she was suppose to be my best friend. So I push forward each day its been 22 days and I am feeling much better. But in hindsight she was never a match we were unequally yoked as the bible would say. She was all about her and I was all about giving. Mistake on my part. But that's ok I am going to move forward, I am a handsome intelligent man and will find even better in the future. I just need to find me first and nurture my son through this whole debacle.

oldtruck posted 2/4/2018 16:32 PM

The son lost his mom.
Now to lose the dogs?
Is there not a way to keep the dogs
for the son?

Weaver2018 posted 2/5/2018 05:46 AM

Old Truck that is still up to debate at this point. Unfortunately if he doesn't keep the house clean of their poo n pee they will have to go. I cannot live in house that constantly smells of bathroom. I won't tolerate it now. I have woke up from the stupor I was in over the years.

oldtruck posted 2/5/2018 06:43 AM

That is a dog that has not been trained.

Dogs have to be taken out before you
go to bed this way they make it through
the night. Then taken first thing in the
morning.

Also taken out after their meal.

Weaver2018 posted 2/5/2018 07:41 AM

I understand this Old Truck, my dog is trained she goes out 2x in the mornings and about 8 times before bed after I get home. The other two they are on the same schedule but the still come in the house and do this. These were her dogs and she never trained them properly. They are so old now (12yrs) they wont be trained. As for my son he really doesn't want them he is just saying that because his mother left and he is forming an attachment to them in place of her. He hates having to clean up after them but really doesn't spend time with them either. So I am leaning more towards getting rid of them as they are a constant reminder to me of her. And I am tired of my house smelling of pinesol and ammonia all the time. I have to move forward and this may be something my son will have to accept.

Weaver2018 posted 2/5/2018 09:26 AM

Oh btw old truck my son is 22.

Weaver2018 posted 2/5/2018 15:40 PM

Its been a long day, no she didn't call or anything but her parents did at my lunch break. They are so distraught and disgusted with her right now. I kept reassuring them that My son and I still love them and its none of our fault. Her father is just devastated over the whole thing and for her to do what she has done. I told them there is nothing we can do, that I am done with her and that I just don't care anymore. All I want is for the end of Feb to come so that I can get rid of the last of her crap. After that its time to rebuild and start completely anew. Her parents worry about me and understandably so. I let them know I am ok, and I am moving forward in life. At my age I don't have time to wait around and get started over. So I have started rebuilding my credit talked to a finance lawyer and they gave me some tips on what I needed to do to get all my credit cleaned up. I know what all my bills are now and I can pay them easily and save a little bit now. I have to pay my parents back first for all their help in this debacle but in the end I will come out ahead financially. I hugged my son again today to let him know I love him and that this is still not our fault we just need to move forward and not worry about her and her crap anymore. Although I am still having nightmares of her wanting to come back my subconscious in my dreams takes over and reinforces that she is no longer welcome in my home. Even though deep in my heart I do still have love for her but the betrayal part overrides it in my dreams every time. I am getting stronger each day and I do have to thank everyone here and my family and my friends for helping me through all this. I didn't realize just how many people cared for me until this happened. I smiled today at work for the first time ever it almost scared my coworkers. But they were actually happy to see me smile for a change. Its only been three weeks but I am a strong person, when it first happened though I was weaker than a newborn. If not for the advice I found here and the support I don't think I could have made it through. Again thank you everyone. And I appreciate you let me post here each day with my thoughts and feelings it is medicinal to get it out and not keep it repressed.

beenthereinco posted 2/5/2018 16:08 PM

Is the car in her name alone? If so then when the time is up you could drive it to the closest airport and park it. Tell her you put it somewhere that was really convenient to get it from and they are only charging her $45 per day in parking fees.

TimelessLoss posted 2/5/2018 17:39 PM

Weaver,

I glad you find it healing for you to post here daily. I'm thankful that you do. You give lots of newly betrayed (members and lurkers alike) hope that they too are strong enough to handle their world being blown up. You give back without even knowing it. Little by little, step by step, you are getting stronger and more self reliant. Very positive sign that you are able to open up to people IRL.

Weaver2018 posted 2/5/2018 20:46 PM

Timeless, I appreciate that, I do open up to people everyday. You know the old saying if it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger. I think even though its been a short time I am a much stronger person. I have learned not to be as naive about things. If I tell my story I want people to know its not my fault, its not my sons fault. Its the fault of my soon to be ex. She made 100 and 1 decisions to get to where this point in time is. Neither my son nor myself were considered or thought of nor were the rest of our family and the other lives that were touched by her 101 decisions. She choose poorly, she will pay dearly, but none of that will be of my doing she will self destruct just like her selfish nature. But for me its over, I am getting happier each day the less contact I have the stronger I get. There will be a point someday when I will forgive her for what and how she has done. But it's already to late to come home so to speak. That bridge has burned brightly over the past few weeks and now all that remains for me is a impassable gully. Yes, if I think of the past things still hurt. However,I am getting to where I can control it more and more. I guess the main thing I can tell anyone that is betrayed is simply this their spouses were weak, they succumbed to this and chose poorly. It was their decision to lie, betray and cheat. It was and never will be our fault. No matter how the past lined up to their decision to lie and cheat. It was not our fault as they made the decision to loose all they had worked for, for what ever period of time it was. Those of us that are left in the wake of their betrayal need to be stronger than them make a better life for ourselves and never look back. Don't be bitter while it hurts don't give them the satisfaction of being bitter in their presence. Be happy, move forward there is more to life than a soul sucker that wants to destroy those around them. I am getting happier each day. I am seeing a brighter future for myself and my son. I only have to let time do its job to mask and subdue the pain. There is a lot of advice on these forums. I have taken a lot of it to heart. I have used a lot of it and it does help. And Timeless you have been a great help through all the posts you have replied to me and I sincerely do appreciate it.

Weaver2018 posted 2/6/2018 16:16 PM

Day 24, I am feeling much better today. I did have a dream this morning but each dream continues to solidify my resolve about this whole situation. In my dream she comes back begging to come home that she realizes she made a mistake and wants to work on saving the marriage. I tell her no, she broke a sacred trust and I could never trust her again and I cannot and will not live a life in fear of what or who she will do next. I escort her out in tears begging and crying and I put her on the street and remind her she said this is her bed she made so she needs to lie in it and suffer the consequence. Then I wake up in a cold sweat and I calm down and the day becomes peaceful and I am even smiling at work and very productive. Those of you going through this I pray for you. I remember the pain and how it made my chest feel like it was caving in. I remember doing the pick me dance for 3 days. I remember solidifying my resolve that I could not and would not accept anything less anymore. In the military when you go to a new post they would give you 30 days to acclimatize yourself. I took that to heart and it will be 30 days soon. I am almost back to normal for me. I also remembered I lived alone for 9 years before I met my WW, there is no reason I can't do it without her now. My son while grown still lives with me so I am not completely alone. Each day it gets better and better :)

Weaver2018 posted 2/7/2018 08:25 AM

Day 25 I think getting so confused about it as it all seems a blur now. All I want to do is scream at her and ask why, why did she not even give me a chance to fix what was broken. She did this to my son and I. All I can do is pull anger and rage when the movies play in my head. I think the reason is I see the two boxes on the counter and I am still getting her mail each day that has her name on it. I try to block it out I try to forget her, I know I will never accept her back as she has betrayed me so deeply I can never accept what she has done. But the question is Why? after all those years of accusing me of this exact thing. Why? I know she was weak and succumbed to the wiles of a co-worker but why when I was working on making amends. I was doing everything she asked and she played the doting wife to a T until she was caught and boom gone. I just want to know why was our life that bad that she had to do this. She has told my son many things but the one that cut the deepest is I just cant love your dad like a husband needs to be loved. Anyway I am going back to work trying to suppress the rage again. Dang why does it keep coming back its like a roller coaster ride that just won't stop.

Stevesn posted 2/7/2018 08:31 AM

I was gonna say “welcome to the roller coaster ride of infidelity” but you beat me to it in your last line.

Stay strong, you’ll find happiness again.

Question: if you know where she lives how about going to the post office and fill in a change of address card for her so the mail gets forwarded automatically. Just a thought....

TimelessLoss posted 2/7/2018 09:44 AM

Weaver,

The "why" is the Mindfvck. It is a rabbit hole so deep and convoluted that you never reach the end. It is maze that truly does not seem to have an exit. Having said that, it is part of the process, and something you will have to feel and go through. Doesn't sound very helpful or hopeful is it? But it is if you know where it comes from and where it is going.

Where it comes from: part of your pain is grief. You are grieving the loss of so many things. I said before how important it was to see you opening yourself up. Certainly on SI you have been open and articulate about all the losses your feel as you feel them. One of the stages of the grief process is Bargaining. It can be accompanied by feelings of guilt. Bargaining sounds like this: "I didn't do enough...if only I had...why did this happen...?"

Where this is going: Weaver, I believe you will arrive at the place in healing where you understand and accept that nothing you did caused her to betray you. And there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Those are some tough realizations to come to.

The pain of grieving is "useful" as long as you are, in fact, going through the process of grieving. All the stages. If you were to stuff down your feelings you would be kicking the can called "pain" down the road. Grieving leads to understanding about yourself and that leads to healing from the loss.

You're in pain, and I see Weaver as doing well. Whaaat!? How can that be? You are doing well because you are grieving and you are processing your grief. You will get to the other side of this pain and be a better version of yourself for it. You are learning and understanding things about yourself. You already see yourself as stronger than you were on DDay. And now stronger than you ever thought your could be. You are forming a stronger bond with your son. Modeling for him how to face adversity. Lifelong benefits for both of you there. Weaver version 2.0 is in the making.

But yeah... the "Why" is a serious mindfvck.

Weaver2018 posted 2/7/2018 11:12 AM

Its been a long morning, chest still hurting mind still reeling. Wish all this would stop sometime soon. I thought I was doing so well. Then its like boom right there in my face again. I so want this mndfvk to stop. I tried go back to my hobby last night but soon as I did all this came back. Im trying to survive hope I can.

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