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25years For nothing

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RubixCubed posted 2/7/2018 11:41 AM

Two things Weaver,

1) The why is not complicated or convoluted. She did it because she wanted to, and is selfish enough that you or your son weren't even a consideration. Why did you have coffee with breakfast? Because you wanted to. That's it, that's all there is. Seeking anything deeper than that is chasing your tail.

2) You are creating a connection between your hobby and your wife's selfish acts. DON'T. They have nothing, absolutely ZERO to do with each other. If you keep trying to connect the two, you will and it will ruin your hobby for you through a false construct that is all in your head.

ICaughtThem posted 2/7/2018 12:02 PM

All I want to do is scream at her and ask why, why did she not even give me a chance to fix what was broken.

Because she is the one that is broken, and you can't fix her. Only she can fix herself.

Weaver2018 posted 2/7/2018 15:30 PM

Today has been miserable, I think part of it was from the fact that I didn't get to sleep until 2am and had to be up at 5:30 am. So I think that my weakened state my mind went rampant with crap today which made my chest hurt until about 3 this afternoon. I am not better right now mind you just not in pain its kind of just numb again. One of the things that aggrivates me about this whole situation is my son has been lead to believe he is super sick and needs to get SSI. He has been turned down once because there is not enough in the psych doctors evaluations to grant it to him. This was all something she concocted in his head and now I am suffering the backlash. He doesn't do anything constructive other than play video games. I mean he does clean the house now and wash the dishes but he argued with me that he would not wash any dishes I dirty up. She needs to pay half of the support cost for him. Im talking about insurance. She needs to pay her own portion and half of his. That comes to a grand total of $332 a month for her and his half. I don't think I should be paying for her insurance while she is laying up in bed with the convict. That angers me more than anything that she doesn't want to support her son anymore after making him the way he is. She is 90% of the reason he is like he is and then she bails on him. I can't fix her but, I damn sure can drain her finances to where she will be miserable with her convict. I have already talked with my Lawyer he said that NC has a law about this sort of compensation. She can either pay it month to month or she can be counter sued during the divorce to pay compensation for her insurance over the year we have to be separated. And 99% of the time the plaintiff wins even if they make more :) So, I am leaving her a letter tomorrow night when she comes to pick up her two boxes. I will be at school teaching so she will get it while I am at work. Basically it tells her her options for paying the insurance to me each month. 1 she can pay me the amount monthly, 2 she can get her own and pay my sons half, 3 she can pay it all at once when I counter sue during the divorce will be her choice.
Anyway I am going to try to work on my hobby again keep your fingers crossed that I dont let my mind run wild again thank you gang.

flowerfarmer posted 2/7/2018 22:34 PM

I missed where you may have said what state you are in, and in my experience it may be hard to seek services for a 22 year old, most states only supply transition services for special needs kids up until they are 21, but there are likely agencies that could help your son secure employment. You are an engineer, that means you are driven to fix things. Perhaps you would find it a welcome distraction to see if there are programs in your area which could help your son move towards employment?

smilethrupain posted 2/7/2018 23:09 PM

^ He said NC

flowerfarmer posted 2/7/2018 23:20 PM

Thanks, I see NC and read it as "No Contact". Mr. Weaver, please look up Workforce Innovation and Opportunity Act. Programs funded through this are available up to age 24 and are accessible through a program called NCWorks. I've no idea how effective this is, but my son is enrolled in a similar program in our state.

Weaver2018 posted 2/8/2018 05:34 AM

Well she may not have to pay for him, but she does have to pay me for her. I legally do not have to provide Insurance for her but my Lawyer said I needed to so that she doesn't run up a bunch of medical bills while she is still married to me and that I had the right of compensation for said costs. As for my son we tried NC works and he fought me every step as his mother allowed him to just lay around the house and do nothing. I work two jobs and she was the one that was with him the most. Anyway still not the greatest this morning but pushing through it.

Weaver2018 posted 2/8/2018 22:53 PM

Well she received the letter about her having to pay for the insurance and that she needed to get the dogs out of my home. I also vented out how I felt about the whole situation from the lying, deceit and betrayal.

The answer I got written on the back of the letter I gave her simply said this:

I read the letter, did not understand what I need to pay for insurance. Have our son text the info to me. I know I did wrong sorry about that. I will try to do better.

I also ended the letter with I wanted no contact with her unless it was business related, no phone calls, no text and no emails. Told her that I was basically erasing her from my mind and moving forward with my life. While it hurt like hell I could never trust her ever again. Even her own parents said the same thing. Last words were see you in Court. Sincerely, me.

So after getting all my feelings off my chest and receiving a less than adequate reply to me she shows no real remorse for what she has done. My son said the entire time she was here she would walk out on the porch and smoke a cig. then come back in. He said he thinks she did that to keep from crying because of what I wrote. I think the most important part of the whole letter was where I told her that the part that I hated the most was my best friend betrayed, lied and cheated on me and I lost my best friend which hurts the most.

So why after me doing that does my chest still hurt. Why is it after I have tried to purge her memory from my heart I still hurt. I will not contact her, until next year when they serve me with divorce papers. Why does it still hurt so much to think of this all ending. I thought by doing this it would free me but now I still feel a slave to my own feelings. Especially with being told "Sorry for that!" like it was nothing to her.

Anyway I need to get to bed tonight is a late night. I had to teach class tonight so its been a long day.

Weaver2018 posted 2/10/2018 10:12 AM

Two days after giving the letter to her and I am feeling much better. I am starting to focus on me again. I know now deep in my heart she is remorseful but, she knows she made her bed and has to lie in it. This fling will not last long they will start getting into tiffs because she is so ashamed of what she has done. It will be to late to come back to me as I am done now. I have said my peace and I am closing that part of my life off all I can do is move forward. I can never trust her ever again and I will not live my life wondering if she is running around sleeping with someone else. I lost my best friend but I cannot and will not tolerate lying and deceit. So thank you all of you that have responded to me over the past month I sincerely appreciate it. I will post here occasionally to give you guys an update but for now I am doing much better. Take care and will write again in a week or so.

Western posted 2/10/2018 13:50 PM

Weaver, you say deep down inside, she is remorseful. How can you say this ?

If you are truly ready to move on, then do some activities to 'get the pain off your chest'

You are a good man. Glad your future is ahead of you and that you are moving on

Marz posted 2/10/2018 14:03 PM

I know now deep in my heart she is remorseful

Nope, her actions say so.

Weaver2018 posted 2/10/2018 15:56 PM

Here is how I can say this, she may be remorseful and ashamed but because I will never accept her back she has to live with the consequences of her actions. My son told me she read my letter and immediately went out side to smoke. She hadn't smoked for 15yrs before she started doing this. She uses smoking as a crutch to hide her feelings. She knows she has totally screwed up but she couldn't get past her feelings for him. When I told her she was a weak woman and that all this is on her, I think reality has finally hit her in the face. #1 she now has to pay her own car payment. #2 she has to pay her own insurance. #3 she has to pay her own phone bill. #4 She has to pay her own health insurance. I don't think she realized how much I did take care of and those 4 things alone total over $1100 a month for her now and with her current job I would dare say that she only has maybe 2-300 a month to survive on. If she had to get a place on her own she couldn't make it. So now she has to rely on the convict to survive as she knows she is never welcome in my home ever. So yes I think she is remorseful, but she would never admit it and she is going to have to suffer because she thought she wanted to be happy when happiness could have been a simple compromise and reconnecting with me. But now she is stuck, she has abandoned everyone because she isn't the brightest candle on the cake. Now all that is flooding back into reality for her. That excitement of someone paying attention doesn't pay the bills and the dedication of someone that truly loved her through thick n thin is starting to set in. But for me I am done, I have committed to moving on with out her. Several, friends have been helping me through this and even two pastors. While it hurts and I don't think it will ever go away my morals will never let her in my home ever again. I cannot trust her. I cannot commit to her ever again. Because, my life would be nothing but wondering as I could never trust her ever again. I will not live a life wondering where she is what she is doing who she is with. If she did not love me enough to stop this before it started, she will never love me enough to prevent this from happening again. She was weak minded and I do not need a weak minded woman in my life. Plus on top of all that I have seen the guy she chose over me. He is goofy looking, He is a criminal, and I think he looked at her as a big payday. So if she can chose that over me, she can have it, she can suffer the consequences. But from what my son said with her smoking outside this is all hitting her hard right now that I have closed the door on her and I am done. Her back up plan is gone and the reality of stupidity is hitting her full force. While I think she is remorseful in my heart, I don't care as I am pushing that out of my mind. I have family and friends that are taking care of me and listening to me. They are seeing the change, I am rededicating my life to the lord, and I am going to let him handle all the rest of this from here on in. I feel much better and relieved that in my heart I have said my piece and let it all go. It will take time for me to forgive her but for now, I still cannot forgive her for the treachery and deceit. That will take time, but time is all I have now, to bond with my son and to start learning who I am again. :)

Weaver2018 posted 2/15/2018 08:39 AM

The inlaws called again yesterday, just when I thought I was pulling out of this they call and the pain floods back in. They tell me they don't think she is happy. While part of me inside before wished that on her now I just feel pity. But the pain of 25 years together just floods back every time they call. The one question that will never be answered of why? or How could someone be so cold and callous. I am trying to move forward, I have had no contact with her personally. She still talks to my son everyday. But not once since this has happend has she contacted me other than to fuss about our son. So many questions and no answers. I guess she really did hate me to do what she has done I just wish I knew what caused it.

Weaver2018 posted 2/16/2018 17:59 PM

Ok I am so wrong and everyone here was so right. Tonight my son came home after going out to dinner with his mother. She told him the reason she didn't come back the day I caught her was because the trust was already broken. So she didn't want to put me through living together trying to rebuild a marriage where trust would never come back. So she opted to go with the convict. Wasn't her first plan but at the time I was so angry and kicked her out she had no where to go. She told my son she doesn't love me like a wife anymore but she still cares about me. Then she ordered a hamburger to take home with him to give to me as sort of a peace offering. No I haven't talked to her nor am I going to. She is trying to soften my son up over this whole deal as though I was the reason she did this. So I am wrong, I had a moment of relapse and thought she was remorseful. Now I see it as she is trying to do damage control with our son. She even told him that I am getting rid of the dogs out of spite for what she did. You guys were right I was so wrong. I am so sorry for all my rantings before. I needed to stick to my original course. But for that brief moment I actually felt sorry for her. Now, I know I must move forward and heal. Thankfully I have not had to talk to her in person. Again I am so sorry I should have listened (read) more and paid more attention. Anyway thank you all again I guess not posting was not a good idea. I needed to pay more attention and listen to people here while this was not my fault I still feel such a fool for not listening.

Shockedmom posted 2/16/2018 19:44 PM

Itís human nature to put faith in our loved ones even after a betrayal. Hopefully you are able to see who she is and what she is capable of doing to make herself look good.

Marz posted 2/16/2018 20:36 PM

The inlaws called again yesterday, just when I thought I was pulling out of this they call and the pain floods back in. They tell me they don't think she is happy.

Interpretation: we don't want to have to help and keep her. We want you to do it.

Cut them all off and stay out of denial of who she is.

You'll move on faster that way.

paboy posted 2/17/2018 13:41 PM

Weaver, I know that this may not mean much, coming from a complete stranger. But the way you have handled yourself, in the situation that was handed to you, has been somewhat amazing. It has been refreshing to see how you have acted, and reacted to terrible things that are in essence, life changing and destroying to you. Keep plugging forward.. You are of immense value.

BearlyBreathing posted 2/18/2018 00:28 AM

No apologies needed- it takes time for the actions and reality to click. And we all really want to believe.

Youíve done great, stay the course. It really does get better.

Weaver2018 posted 2/18/2018 08:49 AM

Its Sunday Morning, my chest kinda hurts this morning but is slowly ebbing down. Talked to a counselor yesterday and she told me that my body is reacting to what the WW said to my son. Basically until I heal this will happen she said each time I have some sort of distressing news. I hate this if this is what I have to endure every time of dealing with her how can I heal and go on. How will I ever be able to trust or love again. She told me to give it time just like everyone here has said. I am staying the course, I have had NC with her. I finally got the cage for her two dogs. My son is claiming them for himself and at this point and I can't really deny him that since she abandoned all of us. Although now I can keep my house cleaner and not have to deal with the dogs making a mess in the house. Its just starting to get really lonely now. I have tried to start my hobbies again but its like I just don't have the mental energy to do anything. I try to do the breathing Technic's I learned and the self healing meditation but even trying that all this nightmare of my life keeps flooding in. I am trying to stay strong for my son. I have a lot to do today because yesterday all I did was sleep for the most part. Thank you again everyone, each time I post here the pain ebbs just a little bit knowing I am not alone in this pain.

paboy posted 2/18/2018 13:25 PM

With the dogs, I guess you win some, and you lose some. Unfortunately, they will forever remind you of her, and with them still there, how she still can have control over your decisions.
Gosh, having written that, I'd get rid of them. No matter what the son thinks. He'll just have to get over it. That's life.
Him having his way, is what she use to do, and caused the dependency issues with him in the first place.
My fWW is bipolar, although not mentally challenged(that I know of..chuckle..), and boy would she perform when we would clash over something that was considered important. She quickly got over it when she realized that I was'nt going to budge.
Removing the dogs is a sure indication that YOU are moving on. And moving on is what you need to invest your time and energy from here on in. Continually make improvements on you. Physically, intellectually and spiritually/emotionally.
Do upgrades around the house. Change the outlay in the rooms. Repaint, feature wall.
Look at what improvements you can do outside. A new garden. More flowers.
This is not only therapeutic with regards to your time, but it also up grades your life style, and gives you more pleasure in being in your home again.
It also lets others know, including your EX, that not only are you moving on, but that its to a better place.
Hope this is helpful.

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