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25years For nothing

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badmemory posted 1/23/2018 09:06 AM

problem is even if this affair ends and she wants me back I cant in good conscious do it.

That's not a problem; unless you let it be. Don't ever consider being her backup plan. No matter how long you've be married, what's important is today and the future. She has shown you who she is. A horrible woman. Believe her and accept it.

The sooner you can get away from her the sooner you can heal and move on with your life. Implement the 180 and stop all contact unless absolutely necessary. The less of her the better. You'll make it through this.

LivingWithPain posted 1/23/2018 10:46 AM

Implement the 180.

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

Weaver2018 posted 1/23/2018 10:51 AM

I appreciate everyone's input I really do. I sat down and made a list of all the ill's she ever put on me to help solidify my resolve in trying to shut her out. Today the antidepressants seem to have started working a little as my chest doesn't seem to hurt as much. How can a person be so evil to plan this out so methodically...and per what my cousin said why do they always have to pick someone lesser than you. I am a successful engineer making good money with a home and land. I drove a POS truck for 11 years so that she could have nice cars and keep her safe. every little stone I turn over shows me how little she truly cared for me which makes me question what love truly is. I know in my heart I tried to be a good man I tried to do the right things but now I am beginning to question that aspect as well. But again I do appreciate the support believe me you are truly helping me get through this and I appreciate you all.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/23/2018 11:28 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation 'Weaver'.

I'd suggest you give the animals away especially the one that's urinating on everything. You should be looking to unclutter your life. Remove everything that adds complication.

Secondly, employ the 180; see the Healing Library on this site. She's no longer a part of your life.

If you're not interested in your hobby then spend your extra time at a gym or jogging or something that's going to benefit you down the road. Change your eating habits up; start choosing only healthy food. Get your son on the program also. Only healthy foods and take him with you to exercise.

Change up your routine. Find yourself again; over time you've lost who you were. It's time that you regain the part of yourself that you put away. You will get through this and if you focus on yourself and your health, you'll be more energetic and become a better, stronger person.

Take care of yourself.

squid posted 1/23/2018 11:44 AM

weaver,

Sorry you're here, bro. Yes, your wife is gone, both physically and mentally. It's good you've gained some clarity and see her for who she really is. Never lose sight of that. It will make detaching easier.

Read LivingWithPain's post about the 180 and implement it. Go full no contact with your soon to be ex wayward wife (STBXWW). We understand your pain. And emotionally detaching from her will help ease your pain a bit. Find new hobbies. Revisit old ones. Do things that make you happy. Live life for and your son. Cut her out.

It's a long, painful road ahead. 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. Take care of your self. Hydrate, eat right, sleep. The basic stuff. You tend to lose sight of those things when you're in a trauma state.

Strength to you, dude.

[This message edited by squid at 11:47 AM, January 23rd, 2018 (Tuesday)]

Marriagesucks posted 1/23/2018 11:57 AM

Now get this he is a two time felon and looks like dog poo.
I think we covered all the bases of finances to include my home since it is owned by my parents and even if my parents ever give the home over in my name she can never access that in the future.
Whenever I hear of a WW consorting with a KNOWN felon my very first thought is what is his angle? Does OM KNOW the house belongs to your parents? I've seen low life scumbags think that their soon to move into a BS home... or at the very least get half the proceeds when house is split 50/50.
Additionally she has to pay me 100 a month to compensate for me having to keep her on my insurance until the divorce.
If she makes enough money that could be his angle. I doubt seriously that love on his part has much to do with anything. More than likely steady sex or help with keeping a roof over his head.
She is bipolar and has to be on meds.
Your WW 'picker' is broken. Be prepared for her to be at your doorstep suitcase in hand when OM kicks her to the curb.

1Faith posted 1/23/2018 12:18 PM

Weaver,

So sorry that you are here and that your WW has truly blown up your world. How old is your son?

Try as best as you can to focus on you and your son. Focus on the things you can control. Your WW isn't one of them.

I know not getting how this happened or WHY this happened is maddening. We all try and want so desperately to make sense out of this. Well, you can't fix her because you didn't break her. She has to want to be a better, honorable person.

As others have said, adultery can be used as a basis for divorce in North Carolina.

In addition, North Carolina is one of the few states where an innocent spouse can sue a third-party that broke up the marriage.

Is the OM (other man) married?

Hang in there. The group of guys here will take good care of you.

One day and one step at a time.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:20 PM, January 23rd (Tuesday)]

Weaver2018 posted 1/23/2018 13:13 PM

OM is not married, my lawyer said it would be fruitless to even try to sue for alienation of affection as he has nothing for me to win he is poor and living with his sister in a house that is 1/4 the size of my own home. My son is 22 but he is rapid cycle bipolar so cant hold a job or focus for more than 10minutes at a time. kind of like squirrel oooh shiny object...As of yesterday I closed off communication with her as I had given her one more opportunity to come home and work things out but she opted to stay with her paramour...so tome that was the clear sign she is never coming home. I had a momentary lapse of reason when I did that as I for a brief fleeting moment thought I could retame her. But I am now facing this that she is gone gone and I have to move on. Fortunately there is nothing left in the house that is hers its all in a 10x20 storage unit filled to the top.

TimelessLoss posted 1/23/2018 13:42 PM

Fortunately there is nothing left in the house that is hers its all in a 10x20 storage unit filled to the top.
Give her the key/code, tell her you have prepaid for three months, after which she will be responsible for the payment. Vet this with your atty.

Weaver2018 posted 1/23/2018 14:01 PM

already did but its for 2 months and her parents paid for it not me.

LivingWithPain posted 1/23/2018 15:27 PM

Pack up all her belongings in garbage bags, stick them on the porch and change the locks.

1Faith posted 1/23/2018 16:39 PM

Weaver,

Sorry that she is not remorseful and she is in affair la la land.

Do your best to protect yourself and your son legally.

As pragmatic and as tactical as some of the advice is or seems it really does help to feel as you are moving forward.

I know it doesn't erase the hurt or heartbreak. That will just take time. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your marriage, the loss of the woman you thought she was and start to focus on you and your healing.

Please consider seeing an IC just for you.

You can make it through this tsunami hell and you have your SI friends here cheering you on.

(((hugs and prayers)))

Weaver2018 posted 1/23/2018 17:08 PM

Just got home from work a bit ago and had a long talk with the inlaws. They said that I had broken her heart years ago but that she would not elaborate on what it was. How can a person fix something if they do not know it was broken...so her actions and such were her own and I have closed that door there is no returning because for me I could never trust her and for her she would feel in prison because I didn't trust her. I hate it worst of for my son as he is torn between the two of us and she is offering no answers other than she "Loves" her paramour. What the real reason is someone showed her more attention that I did and in essence I took her for granted over the years but we are all guilty of this not one of us in a long term relationship can say otherwise. But to put on a facade right up to the point of getting caught is beyond reproach. So I have to close this door and move forward I have done everything legally to separate and end this. As long as she is continuing to sleep with him there will never be the chance to lay in my bed ever again. I dont want to wait 2-5 years to get on with my life I have diabetes and I may not be here in 5 years so I am going to struggle to try to be happy again if that means suppressing my feelings for her and erasing 25years of my life I am going to have to do that because to this day I do not know where when or how I supposedly broke her heart. I do know she has at the moment destroyed my heart and if it was for something I did years ago then she took her sweet time to pay revenge.

1Faith posted 1/23/2018 17:21 PM

They said that I had broken her heart years ago but that she would not elaborate

Of course she wouldn't because she doesn't know. It is classic blameshifting a rewriting the history to fit her narrative to justify her horrible choices.

erasing 25 years of my life

I know that this is how you feel BUT it doesn't have to be that black and white. You have a son (good), sounds as if you have some decent in-laws (good) and you have had a life.

What your WW has chosen to do now can and perhaps should end your marriage but that does not negate that you have lived a good life (not always great but good).

Your WW is trying to save face with her parents, nothing more. Don't fall prey to her mind games.

Deep breath. See her actions for what they are - manipulation.

Onward for you and your son.

Weaver2018 posted 1/23/2018 17:30 PM

Well I do see the manipulation, I also see where she has planned this for a while when I checked the phone records she was on the phone with him 6-18hrs a day in the last 3 months. I didnt have a snowballs chance in hell in fixing this marriage she never gave me the opportunity to fix it and just opted the cowards way out by lying and cheating and bailing when busted. Its not my fault she made 1001 decisions that lead up to this point and didnt even bother to consider me in the process so I cant blame me I shouldnt even hurt but the betrayal alone hurts the most of all.

LifeisCrazy posted 1/23/2018 18:09 PM

Weaver, what you're beginning to see is your REAL wife... not the one that you imagined you were married to all these years. You see, the truth behind people like this is that they hold deep-seated issues that don't allow them to manage their relationships appropriately. The issues may not see daylight for years in your marriage - or perhaps we choose to simply overlook them... but they're there.

So now it comes out. The old, "Oh yeah... HE did something bad to me XX (fill in the number) years ago."

No you didn't. She's just incapable of looking herself in the mirror and admitting that what she did is despicable. She can't admit it to HERSELF. So she makes up bullshit and so begins the process of rewriting the marriage. Look in the Healing Library and you'll see articles written about it.

The key for you? Recognize who she REALLY is and what she is REALLY doing. Use that as motivation to distance yourself and find new, exciting things to take her place.

We all recognize how difficult it is. And it IS difficult. Starting new after this type of trauma is life-altering. But it can be done.

Remember way back in high school when your girlfriend broke up with you. At the time, you thought that the world was going to come to an end. But, in truth, it didn't end. And you met someone new.

It will happen again. You'll live to see another day and you'll find someone who is dependable and kind and capable of having an adult, mature relationship. And, yes, there will come a day when you'll look back and wonder how you ever stayed with your current wife.

Hang in there. Keep looking forward. You can do it.

Weaver2018 posted 1/23/2018 21:01 PM

laid down for a little while and woke up from a nightmare, this was supposed to be my time in life to enjoy and reconnect with my wife like we had when I was young but all my dream was about her with him how do I get these images out of my head when I am sleeping I know its over there is no way she can come home but now I am having nightmares I want this all to stop.....

pureheartkit posted 1/23/2018 22:44 PM

Hi weaver, I'm having bad dreams too.

You know your life wasn't wasted just because she left. It's still a world of possibility. You can travel with friends, move to a new town, have meaning in your life. Your life isn't over just because she's not there.

Yes it will be painful for a while. You're a good person and you deserve better. Take a look around and see that the options are many. No one can hold you back.

Weaver2018 posted 1/24/2018 04:37 AM

morning of day 11, meds are in full force I am just numb I look around and its like I am in a fog. I am trying to be strong I have not contacted her nor will I today or tomorrow. I am still very confused as to why, why didnt she stop and take the time to give me a chance to fix what was broken. But she has chosen him over me and I have to move forward, she has chosen him over her son, and he has to move forward, and she has chosen him over her own parents. Someday karma will bite her in the butt and she will regret what she has done. I have tried to be a gentleman about the whole thing after the first initial screaming and shouting. All I am asking for now is her to get rid of these two dogs of hers they are bonded to her and creating a mess in my home. By the separation agreement she has until the 28th of Feb to get everything out all thats left now is her two dogs and her Corvette her father gave her. Its like each night I go to bed a new piece of the puzzle falls into place. I just want it all over with now. I just want to the pain to go away.

ICaughtThem posted 1/24/2018 05:34 AM

why didnt she stop and take the time to give me a chance to fix what was broken

The reason is that there is nothing for you to fix. She is the one that is broken, and she is the only one that can fix herself. You can't fix someone else, only they can. And only if they want to. How many stories do you read about drug addicts or alcoholics never coming clean? Some do, but many do not. All one has to do is look at the opioid epidemic today. Plenty of help is available for them, but a great many never seek it out.

It's the same with cheaters. Plenty of ways to fix the problem, but not enough want to put in the work required.

Will her parents take the dogs?

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