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25years For nothing

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paboy posted 3/1/2018 13:41 PM

Whew Weaver, if you wrote what you have been through as a novel it would be a best seller...

Your coming out on top. You done it all by yourself too(except with the help of a couple of hundred silent cheerers).

At best, all I can do is send heartfelt messages of encouragement, and support.

We are all proud of you.

((((HUGS)))

[This message edited by paboy at 1:42 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]

Weaver2018 posted 3/2/2018 16:34 PM

Paboy, in all honesty everyone here has helped me through this. I think one of the greatest things of this site was if I wrote what I was feeling and it was not conducive to my healing people here would call me out on my chit. I give all the honor and help to everyone here without each and everyone of you that has replied, I would not have gotten this far. Logic rules my world and a lot of times just using this forum as a sounding board made the logical sense of what to do. So again everyone thank you for all your help and support. I am healing each day and getting stronger. Now if I could just stop being the victim ie. telling everyone my wife is lower than white trash..LOL.

Wool94 posted 3/2/2018 20:54 PM

Weaver, you've consistently become one of my favorite posters.

I'm definitely pulling for you and waiting for your posts. Keep up the great work and enjoy that car!

pureheartkit posted 3/2/2018 21:44 PM

Well weaver you are going to be ok. How's your stomach now? You are right about medications hurting digestive systems sometimes. Stress makes it worse.

Sadly she's chosen her path but you don't need to be involved any further. Great to hear you're focused on your education and fixing up your house. Sounds like you have much to look forward to.

Weaver2018 posted 3/4/2018 20:39 PM

Today is Sunday, Sundays were always bad until today. I know a woman we are just friends and have been for a while I have known her for almost 30yrs.

Today I took dinner to her house and we sat and Watched Daddy's home 2 with Mark Wahlberg, I sat there and she held me while I cried it was the first time I had totally blew out and bawled like a baby.

I'm not getting emotionally involved with her. She has a boyfriend and he knows me and knows what is going on. He also knows she and I have a friendship and he supports her helping me. Plus I would never cross that line with her. She is more like a Sister to me and I would rather have her friendship than the complication of a relationship.

Anyway she held me and had me cry it all out today. I feel better now, I still hurt, but I think I let a lot go today.

When I left her house she told me I would be ok and that I am a good man. She also said the next woman I get involved with she wants to meet and in essence get a barometer of what she is after. She doesn't want me hurt again.

I am finding that this is a roller coaster ride. One day your high and the next your lower than a snakes belly. I am happy I have friends that support me. I am happy that I have this forum to come back to each day like a diary and post how I feel or what has happened. Each day I look at the blessings that I have had laid at my feet I just hope I am worthy of all the respect and support I have been given through all this. I do appreciate each and everyone of you I know I say it every time I post here but I cannot emphasize enough how much I really do. Anyway, its 9:30 I have to go to work in the morning so I will get off here and get a good nights rest. Take care all and I will post more this week.

ohforanewme posted 3/5/2018 00:23 AM

Hi Weaver

I was so pleased when I read that you had that good cry. I can understand that me saying this might sound heartless and a bit odd of sorts coming from a fellow BH, but it took me a year before I had that deep cry. Just let it all out, and when I trace my journey back, I realise taht it was at that moment that I climbed off the roller coaster that was just going in circles and climbed onto the one that was actually headed out of infidelity.

You are already in a better place than I was at that point, but I have a fair degree of certainty, that after this good cry, you will find that the roller coaster begins to head upwards, quite strongly. Still the odd frightening down, but each subsequent high, gets higher than the one before.

Just need to add, I am so jealous of that car of yours.

Weaver2018 posted 3/5/2018 11:26 AM

Pure heart, my stomach is doing better, I have a call into my doc, I think I am going to roll one more month on the antidepressants and have him start cutting me back. I hate taking pills.

Today is a good day, I am not hurting anymore. That no contact thing if they leave is great. The longer they are gone the more the pain diminishes. It also helps you focus on yourself. Anyway I do appreciate each and every one of you. Hope everyone is having a great day.

TimelessLoss posted 3/5/2018 12:11 PM

Each day I look at the blessings that I have had laid at my feet I just hope I am worthy of all the respect and support I have been given through all this. I do appreciate each and everyone of you I know I say it every time I post here but I cannot emphasize enough how much I really do.
You are worthy. You have worth. Great worth to lots of people, here and IRL. You giving thanks to others shows that. Weaver, there are many other people who read posts on SI. They read and learn. They may or may not be members. They may never post. Every one of your posts is "paying it forward" in a big way. You have called your daily posts a diary which you use to assess how far you have come. Others read your posts and learn how you are handling your journey. You give people courage, faith and hope. You are worthy of respect and support.

Weaver2018 posted 3/5/2018 18:49 PM

I posted earlier that today was a good day, actually at work it was. I busted my arse, and was able to accomplish a lot. Then I came home. I was tired so I laid down and took a nap. I woke up about 5:45pm and I have never felt frightened. It was like a wave washing over me and I couldn't breath. I felt like I was fighting to stay alive. I thought all this was done, I had a good day why would my body kick me in the teeth again. To settle down I got in my car and drove to town to get Taco Bell.

Mistake #2 as I passed her and her convict, fortunately they did not see me as she has not seen my new car yet. I am still trying to ramp down but its hard while she looked like utter crap she was laughing and fawning all over him. I wanted to throw up.

I got my son and I supper and drove home. Its dark in the house now. I cleaned up my desk and I have tried to meditate to make it go away but I keep feeling anger and then I feel rejected like I am never going to find someone to love me.

I am not crying but my eyes burn and my body feels like it does when you try to catch a cold. I wonder how can I ever trust someone at their word, has my ability to trust been shattered beyond repair?

My compass is spinning and I just want to find a direction. I have a plan, I made plans, but right now it seems so far away. It's like a fog has settled in around me tonight. The air is chill and now my stomach is turning. I was doing so good, tonight is bad as my support system of friends and family are all busy tonight.

Today, I was told by someone else that me talking and trying to survive this, I am making those around me live my pain with them.

How do I stop that?

How do I not project that I am in pain and I want to heal.

Now, I feel self conscious and insecure that I am making everyone miserable. I have learned recently that I need touch, I need support as it helps me heal.

After that person said that to me, I just want to pull back in and go cold. The logical side of me realizes this is just the selfish nature of that individual but until I was told that I considered them a friend and a trusted confidant. Now that has caused my compass to spin and I am looking back at how naive I was and still apparently am.

I probably sound like a total nut case posting this all the time. Even looking back at my posts I can see my ups and downs. Where I think I am better and then I crash like tonight.

I was told once that the best insight is when you look in yourself. When you judge yourself and your past, but to not judge to harshly as emotions actually drive your life. Whether you want to believe it or not. I keep looking and judging but I am not seeing what I have done to deserve all this pain.

I read to embrace the pain and move forward, but how do you embrace anger, how do you embrace the carnal nature to want to rip the throat out of those that have done you wrong.

Morally, I have been taught to let it go, turn the other cheek. My animal instincts tell me to go on the hunt.

So, I sit here in the quagmire of morality fighting the natural urge to do something stupid.

Don't worry, morality is winning as I want mortality as well and I don't think I would do well in prison.

My mind is slowing down now and I guess I need to stop for a bit. Let it rest and recoup. If you read this far thank you for bearing with me. I just needed to get this out because I didn't want to let it fester and go south.

RockstarDad posted 3/5/2018 19:34 PM

Weaver, enjoyed reading your posts. I got a month on you day wise and I am still riding the roller coaster. It sucks.
Once they do this our WS's lose all value. They just ain't worth it and they ain't the wives we loved (those who are remorseful fall into a different category). I was friends with the AP and one night before the affair and after a couple drinks (I had more than he) he wanted to see some cop moves. I tossed him like a rag doll...It wasn't hard and I wasn't trying to hurt him or put on a show he just was weak and didn't know what to do. U name the weapon and I could win with ease. He really is a pussy and she saw it which is kinda funny in retrospect. She just ain't worth it. They get each other and that's my win. Two broken people.
What is worth it is that 10 outa 10 good mother that I am gonna find someday. She deserves me and my ability to provide.
For my kids and my future Mrs Right I don't kick or kill his ass. I had my dark thoughts to and could accomplish it 20 seconds from now if I wanted. But she ain't worth more than a used tissue.
Your doing good. It's hard to hear that when your still hurting but you are. Keep your head up and props man. Love the car btw. :)

paboy posted 3/6/2018 01:51 AM

Are you keeping a dairy. Or perhaps use a calendar. Color coat the days how you feel. eg red for good, pink for fair, blue for not so good.
You will be able to see how you are progressing at a quick glance. You will be surprised how well you are really doing.

((((hugs)))

Wool94 posted 3/6/2018 05:45 AM

Today, I was told by someone else that me talking and trying to survive this, I am making those around me live my pain with them.

How do I stop that?

You don't stop. You find a new friend or counselor!

What a selfish asshole!

Weaver2018 posted 3/6/2018 13:19 PM

Wow, the days keep rolling along with stuff. Today I got my blood work for my over 50 physical. One of the big things is I have low T. Normal range is 268 to 1500 mine is 3. No wonder I am a ball of emotional distress, I have no T to shut it down. On top of that I have low Magnesium, B12 and low thyroid. I am batting a 1000 right now. Good news is I go next Tuesday to start taking shots to get my levels up. Oh and my A1C was 11.5 way to high. So will be adjusting my insulin again.

Funny how you find things that is wrong with you once you start caring for yourself. Always remember to care for yourself first, as no one else, but your mother, will ever do it for you.

TimelessLoss posted 3/6/2018 15:09 PM

You'll start feeling better once your levels are in synch. Especially your T level. Low T is a trigger for depression. Appropriate T level leads to a better sense of well being.

pureheartkit posted 3/6/2018 20:29 PM

It's ok to share. For some it might be too much, that's ok too. But not everybody feels that way. You aren't ruining everyone's day. No one in this situation is expected to just get over it right away.

We had a co worker who moved away to retire to her forever home just before the housing bubble burst. Then her husband got ill and passed away. No was saying just get over it. She's fine now and is still living in that house, she barely hung onto it. We kept in touch with her and so glad we did. So don't worry about going through your healing.

I get bad dreams and feel stress in my body too just whenever. I think that's natural. I like chamomile tea before bedtime. Also what's supposed to be really soothing is turn the lights lower one hour to forty minutes before bed and no tv or computer screens. Just some relaxing sound. After a few weeks of that you should notice a reduction in stress and have a more restorative sleep.

Glad your stomach is feeling better.

swatter555 posted 3/7/2018 02:36 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation. Your wayward is particularly cold and selfish. Karma will pay her a visit someday if that is any comfort to you. If your lucky, when her crappy karma comes back around she will beg you to take her back and you can tell her to go to Hell.

It took my own Mom about two weeks to get tired of hearing about my marital problems and accuse me of infidelity because I occasionally watched porn. This shit isn't fair, life isn't fair.

The best thing I did in the aftermath of DDay is get my butt to the gym. I lost a bunch of weight and gained a lot of muscle. It does wonders, truly.

Get to the gym and watch for the karma bus to show up on your WW and ex-cons doorstep.

Weaver2018 posted 3/8/2018 20:17 PM

Swatter that is the game plan right now is to get back to the gym. First I will see my Doc next Tuesday and get a green light on what steps I need to take.

Funny its been two days and no real pain but it might tear me apart before the night is over.

Today was Thursday and she did not come to pick up my son again. That makes two weeks she has not come to see him. As I said before she is going to abandon him completely and when she does I need to be there for the fall out.

But for me I am done with her, I bought some more new things for me that I have always enjoyed. When I was younger I loved wearing nice watches. After having to sell my gold watch to pay bills one time I have not had any good watches for years. So I went and bought two stylish ones for myself. I also bought some things for my car. So I am not hurting but who knows what tomorrow brings.

Have a great night all I am going to bounce off to bed.

fareast posted 3/8/2018 21:11 PM

Strength to you and your son. It is inexcusable for your WW to abandon your son. From your past descriptions of her interactions with your son she can not handle his brutal honesty about her behavior and lack of character. She also may be neglecting him in some misguided and pathetic attempt to hurt you. Do your best to talk with your son and comfort him. He will need your strength.

Western posted 3/8/2018 21:22 PM

good for you Weaver !!!

Weaver2018 posted 3/21/2018 21:35 PM

Good Evening All, its been a week maybe even two since I have posted on here. Figured I would give you an update.

#1 I am no longer hurting. I actually seen her in public the other day and it didn't even phase me. Karma is already working and doing its job as she looks like utter crap. She looked like she was 10yrs older than the day she left.

#2 Its been one month since I got my car as tomorrow is my first payment on it. And it looks awesome still, I have updated it with a windshield banner, I have stinger stripes on the way. I will be redlining the rims this Saturday.

#3 I have started back at the Gym. My legs are jello right now but I feel so much better each day I go.

#4 I made a friend, not dating but yes its a female we get along and are just buddies right now. I am not looking for anything more than friendship I still have a ways to go to heal. No its not um a benefits situation. I don't need that yet as that would be a whole other world of crud.

#5 I am saving money for a change its nice to not worry day to day about paying bills.

#6 I am going out and doing more things away from home, got my fishing license again first time in 26yrs. Taking my son too, he needs to learn to enjoy the simple things.

#7 I am sticking to my plans, I will start redoing the inside of my home in July. I have calculated the costs and I wont have the money saved until then.

#8 If all goes well by the time Jan rolls around I will be financially stable, my home will be a place to be proud of and clean. I will have a few things I have always wanted and I will have made new memories.

I know its only been 3 months, I also know I am not done healing. Who knows I may never fully heal from this but I am each day trying to stay positive and move forward. Had I not found this site and my friends that support me here. I do not think I would be in such a great place.

My best advice to anyone is this first take care of yourself. See a doctor if you have to do what you need to do to take care of you first. After that has been done start focusing on healing live through the pain face it, its your friend but do not let it cause you to mire down in the muck of self pity. Learn from the pain, live through the pain as it will make you stronger.

First and foremost, do not, I say again, do not blame yourself. Sure there are mitigating factors that contributed to them cheating but they ultimately made the choice to step out. They calculated through 1001 options to not cheat but they still chose it.

Some of you are stronger than I am to accept them back or I am stronger than you to not accept or tolerate lying, betrayal and deceit. But I played the pick me dance at first, then I realized I am a stronger person and I will not stoop to their level.

I am not angry anymore, I am comfortable with my decision and I have no regrets. I am going to have a wonderful life. I am going to better myself and enjoy life like it needs to be enjoyed. I no longer have the shackle of mistrust, self doubt and bowing to make someone else happy that could not even be happy with themselves.

My love for her was based on my internal need to fix things, she was broken when I met her, she was good for a while. But, whatever it was that broke her before did so again and she made the choices she did. At no point was I even a consideration in her decision. While I do have to thank her for my son I also have to thank her for setting me free.

I have said this many times before that I sincerely appreciate all of you that supported me through this hell. As a parting gift here are the words that I used each day to get through this.

This was not my fault.
I am alive.
I am breathing.
I am strong but I can be weak as I have to heal.
I am good.
I will be stronger.
I will not fail.
I will win.
I will come out of this a better person.

(the key here was to focus on me, who am I, what do I need to do to fix me, never focus on them unless they are still with you. If they are still with you there are a multitude of ways to get through it but that is not my situation.)

Lastly the words that haunted me most were a very simple poem that I read in High School.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it was yours.
If it does not it never was.
Unfortunately I do not remember the authors name.

So thank you all again that helped me and may these words help those of you that are still healing.

I will still pop in from time to time and keep you all updated.

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