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25years For nothing

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BearlyBreathing posted 1/25/2018 17:40 PM

Weaver,

I canít tell you how much NC helps. Maybe not at first ó we have habits and addictions of our own to that person. But pretty quickly the anxiety levels go down, there is a quiet peace. And in that environment you can start the process of healing. Do the 180, focus on you and your child, and get your ducks all lined up.

You will get through this. It just totally sucks.
I am sorry you are here with us.
Hang in there.

Weaver2018 posted 1/25/2018 20:26 PM

I went to class, and was able to get through 3hrs, then my sugar dropped on me and I went flush. My buddy of two years who is taking my class took over sent everyone home and got me some candy. Then my director talked to me and she explained her situation of what happen'd with her ex-husband. Both of them helped me get back enough energy to get home and be where I am now. I am trying to focus through this each moment is like pushing through a tornado. My mother is worried that I will completely loose it. I know I am grieving the loss of my marriage. I feel like I am walking in a daze and my motions are just robotic. Being an Engineer and a teacher my logical mind is just having trouble processing how the person that was suppose to have my back in essence gutted me stim to stern for no apparent reason. She is acting like she is happy with her new POS boy toy (he is 43 and she is 48) and said he makes her feel like a person. What she failed to realize is I am a bigger person than she is. I actually have a heart and that's why I am hurting so much. I can never take her back that is a given there is no reconciliation as she broke all trust and since she has had sex with him who knows what kind of disease she may have. She is suppose to pick my son up tomorrow night to go to supper. He told her he wanted to go to supper with just her. If she shows up with the boy toy he is going to tell her just give him the money and Dad will take him as she promised just him and her. Because the guy is an ex con and my son doesn't trust him he doesn't want to share his time with his mother with that guy plus both sets of his grandparents have advised him to do this. I hope he does what he says but he may cave who knows but he does see that she is dishonest to the core right now. I love my son and I think I have given him more hugs in the last two weeks than I have for half his life. I do thank everyone here for helping me through this I have to stay strong for my son and your notes and letters are helping me focus to do that. Again Thank you

pureheartkit posted 1/25/2018 20:38 PM

Weaver, glad you have good friends to help you. Every day do the best you can. Keep posting here.

Shockedmom posted 1/25/2018 22:51 PM

Weaver, please take care of yourself. You were fortunate to have good people around you during this episode.

You are a better man. Just focus on getting through these initial days. Your son needs you. Glad you are ok.

Weaver2018 posted 1/26/2018 07:50 AM

Son just called he is having Anxiety attacks this morning because of all of this. Sent my mother out to check on him..this just gets worse day by day.

Western posted 1/26/2018 08:10 AM

Weaver,

Despite your stress and anguish, I feel that you have done well. You have been decisive

1) You changed the locks and got her stuff out of the house. A big thing and I am thankful she left voluntarily.

2) You are headed to divorce. You lawyered up and got a good settlement agreement

3) You turned down immediately her asking you to 'wait and see'. Why should you sit back and wait for her to stop cheating on you ??? She used you for your money and support while she affaired with Mr. Scumbag

4) You have the sympathy of her parents and you are taking care of business at the house


You are leagues above many of the other betrayed.

Here are my two concerns

1) Why are you internalizing this ? There is nothing wrong with you. Get into an IC and regain that confidence to allow you to move forward

2) Have a gameplan when she tries to come back because she will soon see the mistake in her ways. Be strong and reject any overtures from her.

You are like me, you couldn't recover from what she did and will never be able to trust her again.

Weaver2018 posted 1/26/2018 08:37 AM

I guess I am internalizing this because I thought I was doing right, I thought I was a good husband, I thought I deserved better than to be back stabbed and totally disrespected. Its a core of honor and the blatant disregard for our wedding vows. I never drank, I never hit her, I never did anything bad towards her if anything I treated her like a princess and loved her with all my heart and now my heart is empty due to the betrayal and that emptiness is maddening.

josiep posted 1/26/2018 11:47 AM

I guess I am internalizing this because I thought I was doing right, I thought I was a good husband, I thought I deserved better than to be back stabbed and totally disrespected. Its a core of honor and the blatant disregard for our wedding vows. I never drank, I never hit her, I never did anything bad towards her if anything I treated her like a princess and loved her with all my heart and now my heart is empty due to the betrayal and that emptiness is maddening.

Wrong answer. You were a good husband. You did (and do!) deserve better.

Internalizing her rotten behavior as being about you isn't because of what you deserve or how you lived your life. You're internalizing it because you've been manipulated to do so.

I remember saying pretty much the same thing as you did one time and was told I was guilty of false pride for believing that the sheer force of my goodness and my perseverance and loyalty could change how a rotten person behaves.

Just food for thought for you.

TimelessLoss posted 1/26/2018 12:26 PM

Weaver,

Nothing you did caused her to betray you. And there is nothing more you could have done that would have caused her not to stray. You'll come to realize these thing more and more as you heal.

You are in the process of grieving. Part of that is trying to wrap your head around why something so horrible happened. In grieving people will often say, "If only I had...".

Look at the inventory of yourself your wrote above. Everyone of those things shows you were a stand up, righteous partner. And that inventory will be a key in helping you heal and come to the understanding I wrote about in the first paragraph.

It hurts. It sucks. You have to go through the feelings though to heal.

Weaver2018 posted 1/26/2018 15:29 PM

She came to pick up my son, he told her that he did not want to be around her new beau and she said what are you going to do when your dad meets someone new. He said well when dad meets someone new it wont be lying and cheating and then throwing that person in my face. She has already reneged on paying for groceries that she promised to pay until the end of Jan. So that tells me her finances are in dire straits already. I had two boxes of stuff that was hers that she wouldn't even come down the drive way and pick up. Well she has until the 28th of Feb to get rid of it all and she is still in la la land as she thinks I am controlling my sons decisions. My son may be bipolar and have issues but he isn't totally out of it. I haven't even spoken to her in two days or texted for that matter I'm pretty much over her and really don't care what happens. She owes me and she knows it. I will bring this all up when the divorce proceedings take place next year how she consistently lied and created false promises to my son. Actions speak louder than words.

Weaver2018 posted 1/26/2018 17:03 PM

New update my parents invited me to supper while my son was out with his mom. Midway through dinner my son calls me and says he is coming home because his mother has to get home to go to bed. Basically she could not spend an evening with her own child because she had to get back to her convict to have sex...how sad. Tomorrow is Saturday so why else would she have to get home to get to bed...was just an excuse to get away from her son who reminds her of her infidelity and how she betrayed us.

Weaver2018 posted 1/26/2018 18:25 PM

My son came home, very sad and almost crying, his mother thinks its stupid that he doesn't want to spend time with her convict lover. She thinks everyone is blowing this whole thing out of proportion and that to her there was nothing left for her in my home when she decided to leave. She feels vindicated that in her mind since she thought there was nothing left to the marriage it was ok for her to go find someone else. She is trying to use mind tricks to make her lying and cheating be ok with my son. He is so torn up right now its not even funny. She told my son that all she felt like was a maid for my son and I. So that justifies her doing what she did. I can already see she is going to slowly break ties with my son as she has already told him he is an adult and to grow up. She is living in a fantasy world and its going to come crashing down on her one day fortunately I hope to be long on my way of being rid of her. Each day her lies and actions keep telling different sides of her and my son is starting to pay attention. She will soon see life is not greener on the other side of the fence and realize the mistake she made and for me its already to late for her to ever reconcile with me. But maybe someday she will be able to make it up to my son. But I doubt it as long as she keeps throwing this guy in his face.

redhorse posted 1/26/2018 18:32 PM

"...in her mind since she thought there was nothing left to the marriage..."

^^^^well that may be true, but what is with these waywards that never bother to check with their spouses as to where they are at? Don't they understand mixed messages and how to communicate?!?!? and that is the more positive spin for WWs...

[This message edited by redhorse at 6:32 PM, January 26th (Friday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 1/26/2018 20:07 PM

What a mess she is creating. Is your son in IC? Maybe that would allow him to work through all the spin....

Weaver2018 posted 1/26/2018 20:40 PM

I'm trying to get him to go but he is waiting until he goes and sees his psychotherapist next month. Sad but unfortunately true. Personally I am coming to grips that nothing I said or did caused this. She did all this herself and she needs to stop trying to lay the blame of her infidelity at our feet as though we are the ones to blame we didn't tell her to go out and mess around unfaithfully with an ex con. This is all on her and the deeper she gets into this the more I begin to laugh.

TimelessLoss posted 1/26/2018 22:08 PM

Betrayed you.
Abandoning DS.
Messing with DS's head.
Attempted prescription drug fraud.

And the best she can come up with is she felt like a maid.

LostInTheDesert posted 1/27/2018 01:24 AM

Well I do see the manipulation, I also see where she has planned this for a while when I checked the phone records she was on the phone with him 6-18hrs a day in the last 3 months. I didnt have a snowballs chance in hell in fixing this marriage she never gave me the opportunity to fix it and just opted the cowards way out by lying and cheating and bailing when busted. Its not my fault she made 1001 decisions that lead up to this point and didnt even bother to consider me in the process so I cant blame me I shouldnt even hurt but the betrayal alone hurts the most of all.

I hear you. My story is much the same (right down to me seeing the whole 27 year relationship as a lie, and having my eyes opened to a myriad of ways in which she was bad for me, most of which I have not even discussed on here). But you can't dwell on this because you start to think "what if" you had done something differently. Nothing you did could rationally have caused her to do what she did.

You are in the position where you know you can't go back to her. And you know what? You do not owe it to anybody to even try, least of all her.

You understand it, but now you need to accept that this is you new reality and deal with that new reality. You also need to accept that you will probably never know the whole truth about the past. It is unknown and unknowable.

Dwelling on the past will not make things better. You need to focus on your life going forward, recognising that she is not going to be a part of it. You are lucky to have gotten all of her stuff out of the house so quickly so you can move on.

Think of this as a clean slate. You know what you have. Think about what you want. Make that happen. Forget about the past.

LostInTheDesert posted 1/27/2018 01:34 AM

If her parents won't take her dogs, they should go to a local rescue.

Seconding this. They're not your problem. Give her 24 hours to have them picked up or they're going to the pound.

LostInTheDesert posted 1/27/2018 01:37 AM

She said that all my talking to inlaws, son and such was only hurting them and not her.

This is straight out of the cheater's handbook - "telling everybody what I've done hurts X person you still care about, not me". Don't believe it.

Weaver2018 posted 1/27/2018 08:13 AM

Day 14 its been 2 weeks since the betrayal, I received a card in the mail yesterday telling me that they were praying for me and understanding what I was going through and that I was in their prayers and it was signed a friend. I have no Idea who it is from as I do not recognize the hand writing. I'm done focusing on the hurting and the past now. So to begin a new day try to smile and move forward. I haven't had contact with her for 3 days now no phone call no text no face to face and its starting to get much easier to put her out of my mind. Its even getting easier to spot and not care about her lies. I just hope that she quits trying to force her lies on my son as he is naive to a point. Also hope she stops trying to force her convict lover on my son as he doesn't feel comfortable being around him and doesn't want to be around him. I feel if she keeps trying to push this guy down his throat she will eventually give up on our son and stop seeing him because she is selfish and feels its important that everyone like her hero. I dread when that day comes for my son I hate that this woman has turned into the person she has that she could abandoned not only us but her own family as well. Meanwhile Everybody have a great day will pop back on latter on to check in.

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