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25years For nothing

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TimelessLoss posted 1/27/2018 08:29 AM

I received a card in the mail yesterday telling me that they were praying for me and understanding what I was going through and that I was in their prayers and it was signed a friend. I have no Idea who it is from as I do not recognize the hand writing.
Weaver, your Masters friend supports you. Your manager supports you. This card comes with support. That it is anonymous does not take away from the expression of support. In fact, take it in a way that anyone who knows you and your sitch would support you. There is a whole team lifting you up. You are in peoples' thoughts. You matter to them.

BTW, I am impressed with your son and at the same time concerned for him, as I know you are.

Weaver2018 posted 1/27/2018 15:15 PM

I tried to stay busy today, taking off the trash, cleaning the house, grocery shopping for the week and then I got through all that I laid down for a nap around 2pm its now 4pm and the waking up the pain rolled over me in waves. All that I did to keep busy and stay focused only lead me back to hurting. I want so much for this pain to go away, I don't want to hate, I don't want to be alone. I tried to open up my 3d printer and all I could do was my hands shake. I feel so isolated as I really don't have many local friends and the ones I do have all know the situation and want me to push forward through all this. It just absolutely hurts even with the antidepressants. Sorry for the rant just sad and needed to vent a bit I just want the weekend to end so I can stay busy.

Weaver2018 posted 1/27/2018 20:10 PM

Its 9pm dark outside and after cleaning the house and trying to stay focused on stuff I am totally wiped out. My son is playing video games thats his way of coping but when I stop doing stuff my hands start to shake and I dont even know if I can go to sleep after taking a nap this afternoon. I still have a lot to do tomorrow before the week starts I do appreciate everyone here for supporting me I just have to stop every now and then and post here just to get things off my chest. While I am not thinking about her anymore I am thinking of my future how am I going to go on as this current loneliness is mind numbing its so quiet here all I hear is the breathing of my dog. Financially I am going to be fine, I will be able to take care of my son with no issues. Grocery shopping today was painful as I didn't even know what to get us to eat to survive on. Fortunately I have my parents next door and my mother said she will cook us at least 3 meals a week that are better than ham sandwiches and chips all the time. It just sucks to be betrayed like this.

Marz posted 1/27/2018 20:14 PM

You'll figure this out. It just takes time and adjustment.

You're off to a good start whether you realize it or not.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:15 PM, January 27th (Saturday)]

Weaver2018 posted 1/28/2018 09:54 AM

Its Sunday Morning Day 15, she called and asked for the address to the storage unit considering I already gave it to her on a piece of paper. I just want her gone and to never hear her voice again she still thinks its all honky dory that she has done what she has done fortunately I was very brief and cut the call off a quickly as I could. Now its all flooding back again...geesh will this ever stop.

william posted 1/28/2018 10:45 AM

If you have a console gaming system play with your son. It will take your minds off it all for a bit and offer a chance to bond over the game some.

Strutter1960 posted 1/28/2018 11:10 AM

Hey Weaver

you wrote

she still thinks its all honky dory that she has done

My wayward is the same. Still chasing unicorns. All's well in (her) fantasyland.

"Who cares?" "We don't care." Those are the 2 responses a family member keeps telling me to recite to myself. It helps me.

I hated the pain "waves". Try to notice that they don't last as long, nor come as frequently. See if you can figure out what thought,memory, sound,whatever triggers them. You are still very, every raw.

When the wave strikes, take a moment to feel the emotion you're feeling, then name it out loud. Was it Anger ? Jealousy? Loneliness? Fear? You should start to see a pattern. It's a great tool someone here shared with me.

Hang in there Bro. You're doing GREAT

goalong posted 1/28/2018 11:51 AM

You are moaning the loss of a Woman who is on drugs and is living with an addict. You derseve better than that. Regarding meds, these drugs are trial and error. Doctor need to fine tune the dose a nd the brand etc. If you feel the current treatment is not very effective talk to the doctor.
Wishes for a strong mind

[This message edited by goalong at 2:11 PM, January 28th (Sunday)]

Weaver2018 posted 1/28/2018 13:26 PM

Goalong, I'm not moaning over the loss of her, I was doing well I had gotten to the point that I had almost forgotten what she sounded like, as its been a week since I heard her voice. What aggravates me is she has no remorse for what she has done its as though I am dirt to her. Because I caught her. See that with my logical mind is what I don't understand, I am not the one that committed all these atrocities, I am not the one that left a functioning family, I am not the one that snuck around and lied to everyone. I am not the one that abandoned my own parents. But I am the one that has to suffer the pain of her doing what she did. She can never come back in my home she broke the sacred trust of marriage and then proceeded to go live with the scumbag she thinks she is in love with. But my son and I are paying the penalty of her actions. I am trying to stay busy I am trying to keep things on the up n up for my son and I. Yesterday was the hardest thing to go grocery shopping by myself knowing its just my son and I. Oh well I need to get off here for a bit I need to get laundry done and get clothes put up. I do appreciate everyone here thank you for your support so far just bear with me when I rant sometimes.

Weaver2018 posted 1/29/2018 05:56 AM

Its Monday morning and a new day wish me luck and I will talk to everyone this afternoon at lunch. So far so good no hurt this morning.

nothisfriend posted 1/29/2018 08:52 AM

Re: your hobbies

The shaking hands and unable to work on the things that gave you so much pleasure is so normal. I'm a knitter and I didn't even pick up needles for a few months. When I tried I couldn't even make a stitch. All I did was pick it up and hold it in my hands. Then one day I could work a whole row. Then I could do it several times. Within six months I was back to doing some simple things. By the time it was final I was knitting again and challenging myself. When DS was home over the holidays and I had a very challenging project that I was showing him he said how happy he was to see that I was back to my old self. It took a couple of years to get all the way back but you will. Try looking at books and make lists of ideas. Spend time around your equipment even if you don't do anything.

Best of luck!

Weaver2018 posted 1/29/2018 10:57 AM

Im at work actually working on the new 3d printer that we got in for prototyping. After lunch I will start scanning frames again that should keep me busy for the rest of the afternoon til time to go home. My mother is working with my son on basic life skills as far as learning how to take care of and keep the house clean. I will probably be going through the freezer when I get home to get rid of stuff that was hers, food neither my son nor I will ever eat. I won't be cooking for a while so we will probably live off frozen dinners and other quick microwave meals for now. Once this week is over with I will start in on my shed cleaning it out bringing my old gaming books and novels back in the house making room for me to spread out my tools. Going to start moving clothes from downstairs up into the empty closets that I don't use like my old military uniforms. Next week my mom is going to help my son go through his room and get rid of things he doesn't need and clothes that don't fit him anymore. Slowly but surely going to organize my home the way it always should have been. I still can't believe how much of a pack rat that woman was. I went through two boxes of 30 bags of 42 gallon trash bags to pack her clothes in...well about 10 of them were used for trash but still 50 bags of clothes plus at least 12 boxes of jeans and shoes....it was ridiculous.
I paid all the bills all she had to do was provide groceries...now we see where all the money she made went to. Its saddening to think I could have been so much further ahead in life had I realized all this so much sooner.

LivingWithPain posted 1/29/2018 11:37 AM

Weaver stop talking to her directly. Send he a message and tell her from now on all correspondence will be done through texts or e-mail.

Lucidiylost posted 1/29/2018 11:49 AM

"Weaver" I understand your hell. I come here only when things are really bad, and was immediately drawn to your post because like you I have been in a long term marriage before having my world implode. We were that perfect married couple. No signs that he was unhappy. I trusted him blindly....only to have the rug pulled out from under me last year this time. I have offered reconciliation probably 3 times. He takes it and throws it in my face....every time. I don't know who he is. I get a lot of amazing advice here, I take it all in, I know everyone is right, and yet every time I let him back and punch me down again. ( emotionally) I just wanted to tell you that when you share about how you go through your days, the pain, dealing with children....I can so relate, and I feel so awful for you. I especially understand the waking up from sleep, and then the waves of panic, sadness washing over. I also simply can't come to grips with the reality of how all of a sudden the past 27 years seem to mean nothing, how everything is being rewritten. How he continues to lie, how his character seems to have changed from a man with integrity to a selfish, self centered horrible human being who lacks empathy .
I have no answers. I will say I think you are doing better than I am . You are not dependent on her, like i am am on him. I am trying everything in my power to gain independence, but am also a complete basket case, making me question every thought and feeling. I have been manipulated and gaslighted into oblivion and can't find my way out of the nightmare. Wishing you continued strength . you are well on your way.

Weaver2018 posted 1/29/2018 11:50 AM

Oh I haven't talked to her since she called Sunday to ask where the storage unit was, I was just outlining what all I plan on doing over the next little while trying to heal. I don't want to talk to her or even be around her ever again.

TimelessLoss posted 1/29/2018 12:43 PM

Weaver,

Everything in your post is a great indicator of taking steps to move forward. Keep making the place your own.

Everything I know about 3D printing could fit on the head of a pin with lots of room left over. But a thought: is there something meaningful to your son that you could produce? Or your Mom?

It is a new beginning for all of you.

Weaver2018 posted 1/29/2018 13:11 PM

I have a healing list I started, basically I write down everytime I remember when she did something horrible to me that I just glazed it over to being angry or in a fight. My mother helps me with this list reminding me of times she had done things to me that I defended her over. Each day I see how I was a slave to her and how no matter what I did for her she was never happy enough. While all this still hurts I still try to push and move forward. I am a good man I have integrity, I have a good soul, I do not deserve what has happened to me. While she wants to be happy I suffer but not for long. I will find my way I will have a better life and without her my life will be happier because I dont have to dread going home to worry about what she is going to complain about next. Let her convict lover deal with that now. He will soon find out she is not all he thinks she is her bipolar will kick out on him one day and it will all be over but the beating as he will probably beat her up. But that is not my concern anymore. She made her bed let her lie in it in her so called happiness.

LivingWithPain posted 1/29/2018 13:24 PM

Weaver are you taking care of yourself?

Are you eating healthy, exercising daily, getting as much sleep as you can? Are you reaching out and connecting with friends and family that you may have left by the wayside? Are you talking to someone about your spiritual health?

Just doing the simple things can help take your mind off her. Exercising will make you feel better and help you burn off stress.

Weaver2018 posted 1/29/2018 17:07 PM

I have no choice but to eat healthy as I am diabetic, this whole stress thing has helped me loose an additional 10 pounds. I am 6'2" and I'm at 246lb now my pants are starting to get to the point they are falling off without a belt. Once Feb is over with and I have my finances balanced again I am going to start going to a local gym just don't have funds for the membership at the moment. I am going to get super healthy and be the handsomest bald headed 50year old you ever seen. She held me back for years because she was worried Id cheat on her and then she does this. Not going to happen ever again I will never let anyone do that to me ever again. I am going to be a man, I was whipped for to many years cause I thought I was in deep love when it was all a Lie. Your only stupid if you dont learn from your mistakes, I think I have learned and I will break out of this better than ever.

Weaver2018 posted 1/29/2018 19:43 PM

Funny how when darkness comes everything comes flooding back. My family keeps telling me ignore it forget her let her continue to make her mistake. My moral fortitude won't take her back because she broke the wedding vows. She left and has no remorse, she left everything to include her dogs. Tonight I came home and spend an hour cleaning up dog pee and poop. I have had no contact with her for 48hrs and that contact was very brief. I don't want her back I want all her crap to include her dogs out of my house. But in the end why do I hurt why can I not make this pain in my chest simply go away. I have plans and Ideas I pump myself up to want to make a better life for myself and my son but still when darkness falls my chest begins to hurt and I can't make it stop. While she is in la la land all happy and cozy my son and I are continually being deceived. She was supposed to give us grocery money, because I spent the entire week moving her stuff out I only had enough hours for 12$ in my paycheck. I had to borrow more money off my parents to survive the week. So far I have spent over $1500 getting her out of my home. Don't get me wrong I will recover financially but it was a hard hit at one time considering I just spent over 2k taking her to her parents over Christmas. I pray that this pain will go away posting here is the only way to get my feelings off my chest and be heard thank you guys for listening.

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