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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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HeHadADoubleLife posted 6/24/2019 07:40 AM

Iíve been struggling this past week. Ruminating on every fight we ever had, how I could have been better and reacted more calmly. Never mind that 9 out of 10 times I was the calm one trying to have a discussion and he would be screaming right out the gate. I dismiss the times when a neighbor left notes on his car and our door telling him that he can hear him screaming, what a piece of shit he is and how the girls and I deserved better. All I seem to be able to remember are the times I lost my temper. I canít help but feel like I deserved this. I must have been a pretty terrible wife for him to play things out this way. I must deserve it.

AbandonedGuy posted 6/24/2019 15:56 PM

It's easy to beat yourself up when they make you feel worthless. To me, it at least shows me that I'm capable of some level of self reflection and havent disappeared fully up my own ass. But you know as well as I do that nobody deserves to be cheated on. Poppycock, baloney, and pish posh!

Muggle posted 6/30/2019 23:21 PM

I don't know why I never noticed this thread before, but I wish I had earlier. I guess better late than never.

I thought I had gotten to a place where only a few things still bug me but I underestimated how easy it is to let yourself get dragged back into feeling as though you never mattered, and were forgotten.

It's been 16 months since they got married. Long story short, he cheated, we were going to reconcile and sort it out. He told me he still loved me, but that was a lie. We weren't married but together with 3 kids for 23 years, house and a business. He didn't show up for my birthday. I found a picture of him and a different woman in a bar the night of my birthday. I confronted him and he said he'd been dating her for a week. I told him I was done. He flew to Vegas, took her with him, and 8 days later married her. I got a surprise phone call asking about MY marriage. They knew each other 14 days. He dropped his prior life like a hot rock, and never looked back.

I took him to court, a year and $25k later, I got a good settlement, the paid off house, and he got what he paid for...her.

I have never spoken directly to her or met her. She is a narcissist just like he is and the settlement ruined their plans of world domination. I left them heavily in debt, and paying me for years to come.

I have a hard time dealing with hearing about them. Her name in a conversation immediately causes me to become withdrawn, and moody. I don't want him back, but it still hurts in ways I can't describe. He took her places, spent tens of thousands of dollars on her, lavished her with attention and I did all the work.

Our kids have limited contact with him, and she controls everything in their fathers life. He's shown she is more important than any of his children and if they don't accept her then he doesn't contact them. His adult daughter has nothing to do with either of them and refuses contact. Our biological daughter has had numerous abrasive interactions on social media, and then they blocked her. He can't contact me, or even email me. He calls me "Mommy Dearest". I will never understand how he walked away without a single tear or moment of compassion or care for me. He treats me as though I never existed, but the payments he will make for years will remind him I'm very much alive.

Her existence in this world causes me pain, but I know in my heart he isn't capable of genuine love. He is a coward that didn't want to be alone, and he was infatuated, and she also left someone to marry him. She's been married at least 5 times that I found, and suspect possibly 2 more. They are equally inadequate as human beings. I resent that they have been on vacations, spent thousands of dollars on expensive food, and fun, while I have no budget for these things. I have no retirement as I was home for a long time raising kids.

Karma may not come quick enough for me, but I believe it's slowly happening. He can't afford to leave her, although they are still in the honeymoon phase. She lives across the US away from him and comes for a week or so each month. They are up to their eyeballs in debt, and he has to pay child support and the settlement for years. He's had a double hernia, and now has a cataract in one eye. He now has glasses to go with his asthma and diabetes. I think it's poetic justice. He was paying all her bills, and paid off a ton of her debts while we were "divorcing". Now she is working for his company and having to earn her money. He now has 3 other people living with him in his large rental house. He owes the IRS I'm estimating over $200k. I think he's going to blame me for eternity for standing up to him. I was the meek type that just took his crap, but once I recovered enough to breathe I fought him with an attorney and caused the two of them so many issues at one point she left him. He sweet talked her into coming back. I wonder how long that will last.

I just want to be able to someday be genuinely happy, with no thoughts of him and her, and what they do together.

Bookgirl posted 7/1/2019 16:03 PM

Sadly I belong here too 😞 my partner of 14 years and the dad to my two children aged 8 and 12 told me he had been having an affair for two months and wanted to leave to be with his affair partner. This happened at the beginning of April. Iím still in shock and feel completely devastated. I really need to start feeling better now. He moved in with his new girlfriend the day after he told me , but split up with her after a week and moved in with his sister. He had absolutely no interest in reconciliation or even talking to me.He is now back seeing the affair partner again.she is 13 years younger then him with no children. I am so shocked that someone I would have trusted with my life has done this to me. Any advice on how best to move forward? I have to have contact with him as he still sees our children. He is unpredictable and seems to almost want to blame me.

AbandonedGuy posted 7/1/2019 19:21 PM

Bookgirl,
Sorry you, and anyone in this situation, has to still see the cheating quitter. Makes healing a lot harder. My advice is to cut him off as much as possible. Distract yourself with something-you child, your job, a hobby, anything. 3 months and continued contact on top of that is too early to be in a good place.

The only solace I can give you is at least he didnt string you along. Thats the one positive of being discarded like this. It will weigh on your mind and wreak havoc on your self esteem for a while, but it does get much much better in time.

Bookgirl posted 7/2/2019 02:21 AM

Thank you AbandonedGuy.
I think youíre right and as little contact as possible is the way forward. I think I was in such shock to start with and desperate to keep things as normal as possible for our children, I thought I could handle seeing him. I canít.He would come to the house and be so cold and not bothered, or angry and defensive. I have also recently stopped concentrating on him and his new girlfriends relationship and started to try and distance myself. Difficult, though when they seem so happy and Iím hurting so much. Like you, I thought about trying to express my feelings in a letter to him, but think now that it would be wasted on him. I have a home and a job, some amazing friends and two lovely children. I am luckier then I realise.

Bookgirl posted 7/2/2019 02:22 AM

Thank you to all the previous people who have been so hurt for posting your experiences. This thread has really helped me. I felt like everyone else within an affair situation had the chance to talk to their partner and try and work it out. I felt cheated out of that and very much in the minority. People told me he would be sorry and try to come back, but I always knew he wouldnít. Itís comforting to hear how other people here have progressed and moved forward with their lives ♥️

[This message edited by Bookgirl at 2:39 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 7/2/2019 06:40 AM

I felt cheated too. There's light at the end of the tunnel for us though. Every now and then I'll reread my posts just in this thread to remind myself of the emotional journey. Totally forgot I was still finding my emotional footing even just 3 or 4 months ago. We're forced to move on faster than others. It's a gift and a curse.

Rustylife posted 7/2/2019 11:59 AM

I'm so sorry that you're here Bookgirl. Yes, this is kind of the "final frontier" of infidelity. Very few have it worse than us. Even then, I consider myself lucky that I didn't have kids with my ex.

You have to stay strong. He's blaming you? For what? Next time tell him that the relationship is over so no more talks about who is to blame. Don't give him an inch. I truly think that they get off on our pain. Keep it strictly professional. Harden your heart. Next few months are going to be so tough. But eventually, you'll see the light shining brighter with the knowledge that your body no longer craves the poison. I hope you and your kids get a good settlement.

Bookgirl posted 7/3/2019 01:34 AM

Thank you. Iím finding it so hard. Just shocking and gut wrenching. To be suddenly on my own is really hard to get used to. I wake up every morning and itís the first thing I think about. I know my life can never be what it was before. I feel like I was happy then and wonder if I will ever feel that content security again. I know I need to be everything for my kids now and not lose it, but itís so hard. No contact is the hardest thing too. I feel like any contact was better then nothing. All advice seems to be to stick with no contact?

burninghouse posted 7/3/2019 13:20 PM

Hi Bookgirl, No contact for me was very difficult in the beginning. I did it more out of sheer shock than anything, but there were a few times I did contact him. I soon realized contact only prolongs the pain. He left for another woman over a year ago and never wanted to R. AP is much younger and I recently found out she pregnant (his baby). We aren't even D yet - so very shocking and hurtful.

When you have kids together NC is trickier but if you can only speak about the kids, finances, the necessary stuff and not let him into your world otherwise you'll be better off. Keep a "business only", neutral attitude to protect yourself emotionally.

There is a saying around here: "no contact means no new hurts". It took me some time to let this sink in, but yeah it was and is true for me. No contact helps with self-preservation by giving you the space and time needed to begin to heal. This is an extremely difficult ordeal and healing will take time. But it does get better. I still have really down days but nothing like the days, weeks, months following D-day. April is still very early.

Give it time, cut yourself some slack, and for sure practice all kinds of self-care. One of the most helpful things for me was to build a little support system. We had recently moved to a new city when WH blew up our M and life. So I had to push myself to get out there and forge some new friendships. It helped and finding new friends is not only a good distraction but then you get to make new memories not associated with WH. Also try to exercise regularly, get outside in nature, eat healthy, drink enough water. Try to get enough sleep. Avoid alcohol. Time to focus on you (and spending quality time with your kids) as much as possible.

You have been heard. This is really shitty and painful stuff, but you are going make it through this for sure. Hugs (((Bookgirl)))

Bookgirl posted 7/3/2019 17:25 PM

Thank you so much burninghouse ♥️ I think youíre right because that makes total sense that if I donít see him he canít hurt me again. Every single time I have seen him since he told me, he has hurt me more. He left with no chance of a reconciliation and went straight to his new girlfriend. He has constantly defended her, saying it was all his fault because he was unhappy 🤷‍♀️ despite the fact she knew he had a partner of 14 years and two children. I think he thinks his new girlfriend is great 😞. It must be really hurtful for you to find out your ex is having a baby with his affair partner. As if they hadnít hurt you enough. I really thought my partner loved me and living with me and our children. Itís so shocking that someone can be so calculated and hurtful. I feel like your situation was similar to mine and Iím encouraged to hear that although still really difficult, you have managed to find friends and support in your new life. I still feel shocked I think, but Iím coping compared to the absolute desperation and disbelief I felt initially.i feel more determined to continue with no contact now. I think Iíve been still deluding myself that he will realise how wrong heís been, but I know really he wonít . Iím sending you a hug back and thank you for your support, it means a lot x

[This message edited by Bookgirl at 5:37 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

burninghouse posted 7/3/2019 22:56 PM

Youíre very welcome, Bookgirl

Something else said a lot here on SI is to remember that YOU are the prize, not your wayward partner and not his new GF. Heís the cheater, the liar, the deceiver, and sheís the sad, insecure, broken POS who cheated with him. Neither has any shred of moral decency. You are the faithful one, the one who was loyal and dedicated to the partnership. Unfortunately, us betrayed partners get to deal with the fallout of the wayward's terribly hurtful actions. We get to clean up the mess they left behind. So no matter how great he thinks she is, the truth is they are both deeply, deeply flawed human beings. YOU are the prize.

You will grow from this experience. I think it can and will make us stronger, more resilient people, and like AbandonedGuy pointed out, more compassionate and understanding too.

The shock factor will take time to lessen in intensity, but you should know this is a very normal reaction to a highly abnormal situation. There is a term called ďbetrayal traumaĒ. I have googled this term and found some helpful articles and resources. I also googled PTSD and betrayal trauma together. It was and still is validating to read articles that "get it" what we go through.

What you said about thinking he may realize how wrong heís been - this also a normal reaction. Itís like our minds and hearts have to play catch up to this totally bizarre new reality, one that we were totally unprepared for. I felt this way, too, and to some extent it still lingers but with less intensity.

You forged a very strong relational bond of love and trust with this person. When he left, he betrayed something very deep and vital to your sense of safety and well-being Ė the bond of intimate trust between two people was shattered to bits. Thoughts of him returning or him realizing he is wrong is a normal reaction to trauma. Your whole body, mind, and soul have been thrust into something so alien and foreign that the mind keep seeking out what makes sense, although what once made sense is no longer in line with this new bizarre reality. It's crazy-making and it completely sucks!

You can and you will heal from this. Keep taking things one day at a time, even one minute at a time if needed.

Carving out some time for a good cry can be cleansing. I cried a ton and my IC (individual counselor) assured me that feeling the feels would pay off in the long run. Itís so much more healthy than stuffing them down. If you have not yet had the chance, look at the Healing Library materials. Thereís a lot of helpful info in there (yellow box, top left, near Dr. Philís mugshot).

Iím so sorry youíve found yourself here, Bookgirl, but you are among wonderful peeps who will listen, understand, and support you through this ordeal.

bluelights posted 7/3/2019 23:12 PM

So I filled for D and she told me she would be more than happy to sign. She did not even try to make anything to save us. She is going to live with the OM or he is moving into what used to be my own house. I cannot describe the pain. I love her so much and I trusted her more than anything in the whole world. She does things for him she never did for me. I am in so much pain, I do not think I can take it.

Bookgirl posted 7/4/2019 02:04 AM

Bluelights, it is so painful isnít it. There isnít much escape from that, but listening to others on this site has helped me. like Burninghouse said, we are the prize and we are important and valid. I think my partner will marry his girlfriend too, but they built the relationship on lies. Your ex did too and you will win in the end. I think we just need to get through each day until we feel better. Iím so sorry you feel so upset. Burninghouse, thank you again for your kind advice. I hadnít looked at the situation that way before, probably because when a person is rejected in such a brutal way it can make you feel worthless. I need to change the way I look at the situation and try and switch it around.i donít know why a single 32 year old would want to be with my 46 year old partner who has two children and is living with his sister 🤷‍♀️ Maybe they need to validate the relationship in order to justify the hurt and chaos they caused by putting a match to our relationship and walking. Iím going to look at the healing library today on your advice Burninghouse. Iím just wondering too, as far as social media is concerned, did you disassociate from your joint friends and your exís family? Iím finding that idea painful, but donít know why Iím clinging to a family I wonít be part of. My ex has left social media for now. Hugs 🤗 to you Burninghouse and thanks again xx

burninghouse posted 7/5/2019 11:00 AM

Iím just wondering too, as far as social media is concerned, did you disassociate from your joint friends and your exís family? Iím finding that idea painful, but donít know why Iím clinging to a family I wonít be part of.

Iím not in contact with most joint friends or exís family. It is too painful to be in contact, although in the beginning I kept in touch with MIL. Almost no one in his family reached out. That really stung since I felt close to them. So I had to let go and it was painful.

Do you think it would help you with the 180 process to let go? For me, staying connected and letting go were both extremely painful. Eventually I chose to let go. Itís not an easy place to be, but you decide whatís best for you and take all the time you need. Do what is right for you. Take care of you.

An important part for me was to turn my focus to family and friendships that came before WH. Like I reached out to a few long-time friends I had lost touch with. They were very supportive and understanding. One friend declared "I hate him" that felt good. She just took my side out of friendship and love for me. I found out one friend had gone through something similar. She was a couple years ahead of me in her D. Her experience, advice and seeing how she has moved on was helpful. She seems quite happy now and actually feels so much better not being with her EX. Also she has a new guy who is emotionally available, loving and attentive. It's been helpful to connect with others who have gone through betrayal, both here on SI and IRL. They truly ďget itĒ.

My ex has left social media for now.

This could be good for you meaning you wonít keep looking at what heís been up to (aka ďpain shoppingĒ here on SI). I do not check WHís social media but have in the past (way too painful so I stopped). A friend recently told me he has pictures of himself with her on social media. I mean we arenít even D and he has not only completely moved on, but is now showing her off like I donít exist. Itís cruel and gross.

burninghouse posted 7/5/2019 11:19 AM

bluelights, I'm so sorry. This the most painful thing ever. Know that you are not alone and support is here. Please keep reaching out and posting.

Bookgirl has given you some great advice. She is right that their relationship is based on lies. Try to go easy on yourself and know that although you are left to deal with fallout and pain of her actions, you did nothing wrong and you do not deserve the shitty and selfish way she has handled things.

Self-care at this time is vital. Get plenty of sleep, eat healthy, drink enough water, exercise, avoid alcohol, reach out to family and friends who will be supportive.

Have you read stuff in the Healing Library yet? There is an excellent source on going no contact (aka the 180) and other helpful articles for the BS (betrayed spouse). It's in the yellow box to the left, above Dr. Phil.

I can relate to your intense pain. I am 15 months out from D-day (and in process of D). It may not seem like it now, but it does get better. I am here to tell you if I can do it, you can too. You are going to make it through this.

((bluelights)) --> that's a big hug.

bluelights posted 7/5/2019 17:21 PM

burninghouse

I feel guilty I did not enjoy the time I had with her enough. It was not enough because I thought it would be forever and now I would like to have tried harder, maybe she would be here with me. I do not want to leave her, I do not.

I love her. Sorry for being so weak.

burninghouse posted 7/5/2019 18:35 PM

bluelights,

You are not weak. You are having a normal response and it's part of the process for many of us coming to terms with our whole life being blown to bits by betrayal.

It's true that you are 50% responsible for the problems in the marriage, as is she. However you are 0% responsible for her cheating.

Gently, you were both in the same M but she - not you - chose to handle things by stepping outside the M and cheating. You had no say in what she did. She could have handled things so differently. I just want you to see how there's no excuse for what she did no matter the problems in the M. All marriages have problems, but there are numerous ways to handle them besides cheating, which is highly destructive, selfish, and hurtful. She is the weak one for how she chose to handle things.

Know that your feelings are valid, normal, understandable. Of course you still want your M and love your W. There is a strong bond there, not an easy thing to let go of. You still love her which is to be expected, but if you can detach even for a little while from the situation you can continue to refocus on taking care of yourself. You have been through a lot and it's incredibly difficult but you are going to get through this.

Are you working with an IC (individual counselor)? Getting in to see someone can help you sort through emotions and process turmoil. I highly recommend one who has experience with relationship trauma/infidelity. Having an IC has been invaluable for me. As you well know, this shit can be completely overwhelming.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Bookgirl posted 7/8/2019 10:26 AM

Bluelights, I feel like I could have done more while I was in the relationship too, but the fact that they chose this course of action and left in such a brutal way means for me there is no way back. I think this is something that will become easier with time. Cheated in every respect.

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