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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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Bookgirl posted 7/31/2019 13:11 PM

Thanks. I will have a look. Good days, bad days for me at the moment. Wanting time to pass so I will feel better, but dreading significant times like birthdays and Christmas. My family is unrecognisable to me now. X

puffstuff posted 7/31/2019 13:52 PM

You'll probably be in a much better and stronger space once they come around.

I feel 3 times better than I did since dday a month ago. I hope that's the trajectory...

My wife has helped me in a way see clearer, clinging to the sad sack of shit like her life depends on it.

Bookgirl posted 7/31/2019 14:57 PM

Yes. My x defends his horrible new girlfriend like she is amazing 😂

AbandonedGuy posted 7/31/2019 15:10 PM

What's great is, when these fuckheads throw you aside and attach themselves to the homewrecking sack of monkey shit they're now attracted to, there's nothing for us to cling onto. I mean, it's completely devastating like nothing else, and while I did spend weeks and weeks envying people who get false hope, the cold discard really does allow us to get over those donkey-fucking shit-eaters a lot faster than the 90%+ of folks who get strung along by cake-eating assclowns.

What I'm saying is, let these cheating fucks have their homewrecking shithead. If they cheat with you, they cheat on you--that's not just some fun thing people tell themselves to feel better about the whole thing, it's a pretty common result of cheaters shacking up with APs after the marriage is dissolved. Sometimes they go above and beyond to make it work with the AP, stifling all that Big Cheater Energy they unleashed while they were with you, and you know what? That's fine. They didn't grant you that kindness, so to hell with 'em.

In time, it's not even the cheating that fucks with you, it's the rejection. At least for me.

Bookgirl posted 7/31/2019 18:22 PM

Abandonedguy 😂 that has actually Cheered me up. I agree with you that we got a sharp shock and no false hope.but the shock is massive. Also for me itís the rejection more then the cheating that bothers me. Itís the weird abuse of trust.

puffstuff posted 8/1/2019 05:45 AM

Really starting to enjoy no contact now. When I politely and serenely drop the kids off and look as if i haven't a care in the world, her expression is always "hang on, you should be FIGHTING over me". No, he's welcome to you. You discarded me like a piece of trash. These narcisists absolutely LOVE a live triangle. I'm not giving her one, so to speak lol

AbandonedGuy posted 8/1/2019 06:49 AM

They live for attention.

A week after DDay, she finally comes over to talk. This is after her blameshift extravaganza on day 2, days of me writing beautiful love letters to her which essentially ignored what I just caught her doing, her telling me the letters meant nothing to her, and then a complete stonewalling for several days while she "thought about things". She was very obviously checked out and was done with me the moment I caught her affair. In retrospect, it's clear as day. She was never going to choose me or want to put in any effort to save our marriage. She was done months ago, she just hid it so extremely well.

So she comes over a week after DDay. By then, I've had it with her bullshit. I also found out the night before that she was on Snapchat and Whatsapp, which suggested to me that this shit had been going on for a while. I chose that night to not be her dumb sucker and to take back some of the self respect she just stole from me.

She sits across from me and is hesitant to speak. Power move. She said, "*You* wanted to talk" as if she has nothing to say. I said, "You came here explicitly TO TALK." So she says to me, "Okay. I think this is the end of us." Very matter of factly, like, "yeah asshole, I'm calling it here, what are you gonna do?" I quickly replied, "I agree." Then she shot me this very surprised look and asked, "What happened to wanting to make it work?"

The nerve of this bitch. She was clearly dejected that I wasn't going to be her punching bag anymore. She had been ignoring me for days and pretty much telling me that it's over, now she explicitly tells me that it's over and when I agree with her, she can't help herself but be bummed out about it. YOU CHOSE THIS, BITCH!

These people amaze me with their entitlement.

burninghouse posted 8/1/2019 12:06 PM

These narcisists absolutely LOVE a live triangle. I'm not giving her one, so to speak lol

I applaud this ^^^

Responding in a different thread earlier got me thinking about another painful repercussion of betrayal and abandonment, that the BS never gets a say in the matter. The WS destroys everything and simply leaves. The BS is now stuck in the mess the wayward left behind, surrounded and consumed by the fallout. The BS is not just hurt, but rejected, left for 'dead' with no say in the matter. The BS is treated like trash, like collateral damage.

The other day I looked up Dante's nine circles of hell, and lo and behold at the very bottom right next to 'Satan' is a place for the betrayer. If betrayal is the worst of the worse 'sins', then why is it that the BS is the one in a living hell?

I have no idea what's going on in the psyche, heart, and soul of my WH, but from the outside it looks like he's simply moved on to a seemingly wonderful la-la land life with AP. In other words, he is not symbolically frozen in ice up to his neck with the devil chewing up his face (how Dante would have it and who can blame him? lol). It's more like the BS experiences a hell of a different kind, living with trauma and dealing with every other kind of fallout from the wayward's choices. On top of this, we get no say in the matter. So what gives?

I realize that life is not fair, that bad things happen to good people, so I guess I'm just venting here. The biggest issue for me has been to try and find meaning in all of this destruction, try to find a way forward and have a good life again. Is it even possible?

AbandonedGuy posted 8/1/2019 13:20 PM

Treachery was seen as the worst of sins for a reason. It's someone abusing your absolute trust in them. This is why it's so devastating for us. It wasn't some stranger, but someone we loved and who we in turn thought loved us. My ex will never get that chewed-up-by-the-devil moment in her entire life and that sucks. She got to move in with AP and assimilate herself into his life with zero repercussions besides having to go through the headache of selling our house. Big fucking whoop.

The truth is, there is no meaning to anything besides what we attribute to it. Sometimes we're at a loss to rationalize away why something happened. I can sit here and think, "Well, the betrayal made it so I was motivated to succeed in my career and eventually I'll find someone that I connect with on a much deeper level," and while that may be true, there are certainly better ways to get to this point. I just hope that when things do get to an ideal place for me, I at least appreciate it more since I had to wade through so much shit to get there.

Rustylife posted 8/1/2019 15:29 PM

Some good advice here. Honestly, I just don't know how you're supposed to co parent with these dipshits. Really not envious of folks in that spot. Everyone says to be an adult and all, but knowing what I know about myself, I'll be the worst coparent ever. Bitter and constantly chomping at the bits to get some jibe in. You're all saints in my eyes.

Abandonedguy,for your sake I hope that you'll get that final closure of her snooping into your life. It was very affirming for me when I found out that she was asking around about my new job and life. We have common friends so it was easy for me to find out though. That somewhere inside this pathetic bitch does remember how good she had it with me. And maybe, she has that little nagging doubt in the back of her mind that her gamble might not be as good a deal as she thought at the time. Still, the fact that I'm no longer a part of her epic life story where she's the central character, is a goddamn relief to me. Maybe I'll find an equal partner one day. Something better than what I had. She's set a very low bar so I'm hopeful.

WasSheWorthIt posted 8/1/2019 17:04 PM

It's just passed the year mark of arsewipe leaving for his whore. I never knew she existed until he told me about her and left the same day. No discussion, just got the classic "ilybnilwy" then he was off. He wanted to come back a couple of weeks later but changed his mind, said he loved her and toddled off back to her. As far as I know they are still together.
I went no contact (well at least 99%) pretty quickly and it's been the best thing I could have done for me. He wanted to be friends but I kind of told him to fuck the fuck off.
Our kids (4 of them) rarely see him which is their choice. I don't really speak to them about him and they don't tell me a lot either. I did try to keep their relationship with him alive but they asked me not to and said if they want to see him it will be when they want to. They're all near grown so I honor their request and stay out of their relationship with him. I do know that they don't tell him much about their lives but that's their business.
I've known him for most of my life and was married for 22 years.
The pain shock and utter devastation he inflicted on me and the kids will never be forgiven. I still kind of struggle with the fact that I never knew he had it in him to do this. He gave the impression that his family were his life and I believed him. I didn't doubt him for a minute. I know I don't have it in me to ever trust anyone like that again. Even the idea of meeting someone new scares the crap out of me. Im reconciling myself to the fact that I'll be on my own for life now and mostly I'm OK with that.
Ive had a year to torture myself with the whys and whatnots and I've came to the conclusion apart from the total disregard and disrespect they have for us, there must be some level of dislike/hatred in a cheaters heart for a spouse to be able to do what they did to us. The intensity of our emotions at the beginning of all this is truly frightening. The feeling of rejection is so very damaging right down to our souls.
The healing from it all is very hard but thankfully not impossible.
I have more good days than bad now and if I find myself wishing for my old life back with him before he turned into the unfeeling stranger that he is now I just remind myself of what he did and the lies that fell easily from his mouth.
I'm starting to get new hopes and dreams for the kind of future I want. It will take a few years but I'll get them eventually.
I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to look at what he did as a gift to me. I get to do what I want to do in my life without him holding me back.
I hope that his poxy life choices come back and haunt him one day. I hope he suffers for what he did to me and the kids. Maybe that makes me a bad person but I don't really care. I want his life to implode they way ours did when he dumped us for the serial homewrecking whore he's now shacked up with. Some people sail through life with no repercussions for the damage they do. I don't want him (or her for that matter) to be one of them.


AbandonedGuy posted 8/1/2019 17:59 PM

My ex-wife is sitting pretty right now, and I'm not holding my breathe that that will change anytime in her life, but my bio dad certainly got a taste of karma.

He utterly ruined my mother's life when I was a young kid and my sister was an infant. Cheated and whored for a long time. I learned somewhat recently that he thought my mom should be okay with him having a side piece. She worked at his company and he didn't want my mom telling anyone because she might get fired and that "wouldn't be fair to her". The balls on this asshole. Then he embezzled from his company and got fired and my parents filed for bankruptcy. He left my mom penniless and broken with two kids, one of them practically newborn.

Then he shacks up with his whore for a year or however long, keeping his kids at arm's length. We were things to him, not children to teach and love. Then she wanted kids so he dumped her and eventually he moved out of state and found wife #2. When I was about 20 I cut him out completely. I was told my aunt, HIS sister, just what he had done and it made me sick. Compounded with a lifetime of him being a (very truly and not at all even kinda sorta, but full fledged in every way) narcissist and shitty father, and me not trusting him whatsoever for numerous reasons (like how he stole antiques from his own parents' house), it was an easy decision to make. I never met the son he had with wife #2, but maybe I will one day.

And then the karma bus started hitting him. Over the last 15 years, he got divorced again, married to wife #3, divorced AGAIN, and is now in Canada with wife #4. He's still a complete piece of shit from what I hear. My younger sister started to see him for what he is a few years ago and has pulled away almost completely. Apparently, he has debilitating diabetes because of his terrible diet and, I'm told, hard drinking lifestyle, and he walks with a cane and has talked for years about how he's probably going to lose a foot. His two kids want nothing to do with him. Lord knows what my half-brother thinks of him. He's not even living in the U.S. and even if he was, and even if I still spoke to him, I'd probably only see him once a year. He's in his mid 50s, a loser, with failing health, estranged from his kids and grandkids, and has a tenuous at best relationship with the rest of his family.

So yeah, sometimes karma does happen, but it just takes a long time. I hope in 15 years, I get a newsflash that ex-snake in the grass accidentally slipped on a banana peel and broke her beaver teeth on a fucking fire hydrant

WasSheWorthIt posted 8/2/2019 04:20 AM

AG.
I hope your mum has found some peace and happiness in her life. I don't know how I would have coped if my kids were younger. Thats another level of stress. My kids know exactly what their dad has done, there's no hiding it from them at their ages. The feckin eejit thought that the kids would be okay with what he's doing as it makes him happy. Delusional much !!.
It sounds like your dad is standing at the karma bus stop and doesn't even know it yet. Och what a wee shame - not..

Alexalynn posted 8/2/2019 07:48 AM

Hi! I'm new here. Been lurking for a long time (like years), but thought things got better and I could put this site behind me.

I was wrong

Stbx (separated for now, filing as soon as we can) left me in May, saying he needed space and just wasn't happy. I had concerns about a woman he was texting/emailing/calling because his unhappiness didn't come up until she was in the picture. She was the sister of one of our friends, lived 15 hours away. Stbx told me there was nothing there, besides, why would he start something with someone that far away.

He leaves, moves in with this friend. Minimal contact with me and our kids. Wants to change weekends one time because of "work". Turns out it was the weekend this woman came to town to visit her brother.

He spent the next 3 weeks shacked up with his new lady friend, flaunting their relationship around all our old friends, not once actually telling me about her. A friend outed the relationship to me. They are telling people they got together working on his business idea. Which was BEFORE he left.

He's had her around my kids twice, she's playing mommy to them. And he STILL hasn't told me about this relationship.

He made me out to be the bad guy, saying my insecurities are the problem that there was NOTHING between them (after she was already in town and they were hooking up).

So he gave up 20 years of friendship, 13 years together and 11 years of marriage for a woman that lives 15 hours away and has no problem screwing a married man. And I'm being treated like a stranger. He hasn't talked to me other than kid and finance stuff in over a month. Just completely wrote me out of his life :(

burninghouse posted 8/2/2019 10:13 AM

AG - I'm really sorry you had to grow up with a narcissistic father. I'm sorry for your mom, too. Your father sounds like a real piece of work.

My guess is we'll never really know what will come about with our cheating, lying, narcissist WSs. Even if they did suffer in the least bit from gnawing guilt and shame, how would we know? I'm like you in that I feel it's unlikely that WH will ever suffer in this way. It just doesn't seem so from the outside.

About narcissistic fathers. I had one of those too. I'm 99.99% sure he cheated and very likely more than once. Looking back there were huge red flags. He was also an emotionally abusive alcoholic. I often wonder if BSs with a N parent end up with N partners, subconsciously repeating some ingrained pattern of abuse. Kinda like how baby ducks imprint on their caregivers, we imprint on a particular caregiver's pattern and later subconsciously choose a partner with a similar traits. During my M I often wondered if WH was narcissistic. It was the only way I could explain some of the things he did and said. I don't think he's full blown NPD, but there are some glaring traits. The worst part is with these people, they are not remorseful. They simply move on from their discarded lives like it's nothing and give lame excuses for doing so. At one point WH had the nerve to tell me he "completely understands" what I'm going through. How in the hell could he ever understand something like that? Barf.

I like what you said about appreciation from having gone through hell to get to a good place. When good things come, I do appreciate them that much more. I'm trying to find more appreciation in the little things in life. Some days it's a challenge, but it helps.

burninghouse posted 8/2/2019 11:10 AM

Hi Alexalynn, Welcome to the best place you never wanted to be. You will find lots of support and understanding here. I'm so sorry you're going through this special kind of hell.

Your STBXWH's lying and blameshifting are very typical of how the cheater deals with life. Please let this sink in: in no way is his cheating and leaving you your fault. He blames you for his cheating which is just another lie he tells to you, others, and himself to justify his hurtful immature actions. All his lying does it break you down so he can build himself up and somehow look like he "tried" or look like the good guy. It's highly twisted and can be crazy-making. He can't face the truth which is that he's a cad and a coward. He chose to deal with problems by blaming you, going outside the M, and then bailing out. His choices are 100% on him. Do not accept any blame for something you had zero say in.

He sounds a lot like my WH, and as you continue to read others' stories you'll see similar patterns emerge. Yet we're all in highly unique situations. You've been heard.

May was not very long ago. You're in for a roller-coaster ride of emotions, and emotional ups and downs are a normal response to a traumatic experience like this. It's also normal to feel nothing, numb, angry, disoriented, stuck, depressed, fearful, along with a whole host of other feelings and thoughts. Hang in there. You're going to make it through this.

Now is the time to take good care of yourself. Eat healthy, drink plenty of water, try to get some sleep. If you've been reading on this site for awhile, you likely know the drill, but it's worth emphasizing that self-care is so important right now. Also get in to see a qualified counselor or therapist (meaning trauma informed or one who understands the impact of betrayal and abandonment). A good counselor can help with processing emotions and working through the D process. Do you have a good lawyer? Self-care including protecting yourself financially are two of the most important things you can do for yourself. For me, I also started making connections with people, and that was a big help and still is. Reach out to friends and family who you trust.

Keep reading and posting. You're not alone in this.

Alexalynn posted 8/2/2019 12:05 PM

I do have a good attorney, meeting on Tuesday to draft the property settlement agreement. Stbx has drained our joint account, accused me of transferring all the money out (when actually he was spending recklessly, wining and dining the trash around town, buying who knows what).

I've been working on self care, but this week I'm in a dark place. Been in counselling since June 1. I had scheduled us a marriage counseling session and he chose instead to clean up a parking lot for his motorcycle group.

I'll have to see if I can find a trauma counselor. I hadn't thought about that. I like the one I have, but I don't know if I'm being given tools to work past things.

burninghouse posted 8/2/2019 20:27 PM

Alexalynn, Have you asked your attorney about marital wasting? If he drained the account spending marital funds on his AP, you may be entitled to get at least half that money back. I read about this in a NOLO divorce book and have asked my lawyer about it.

The dark days are part of the emotional roller coaster. They will subside (and then come back unfortunately). But it's good to be prepared for this. When there are down days, you will know (although it might not feel like it) it will get better. Important to practice self care when you don't feel like it. Even a simple thing like a cat nap all wrapped up in a cozy blanket can help. Going for a walk is good.

For me, joining a gym and doing physical activity has been a big help with depression. Helps with anxiety too. You might look into EMDR (I have not tried it yet). I've tried self-hypnosis recordings which have helped with anxiety and somewhat with sleep. For me these are the biggest long-standing issues.

Google trauma informed counselors in your area. Read their bios and specific type of work they do. Most will offer a free shorter phone consult so you can see if they'd be a good fit. It's worth it to find the right therapist.

Hang in there.

(((Hugs Alexalynn)))

Bookgirl posted 8/4/2019 03:10 AM

Alexalynn, I have been going through a similar horrible thing. Mine happened in April. I have children too. It makes it really difficult. I tried to cope with seeing him when he picked the kids up for the first two months. He showed little or no emotion.just said he had been unhappy and left for his Ap. We had been together 15 years. He had known his Ap for 4 months. Heís still with her. I started arranging for him to pick the kids up from my friends house and havenít actually seen him since June. This has given me some control back and space to feel a bit better. I hope you have managed to climb out of the dark place you were in. I have times like that too. I think I can see a future now though and I have coped with all the horrible stuff so far. Iím hoping you can feel better and just ride the emotions and they will pass. I wouldnít swap places with my ex or his new girlfriend. I have tried to concentrate on my children ( who are also upset) and my friends. It changes you as a person, but that doesnít have to be in a negative way. Sending hugs x

Bookgirl posted 8/5/2019 02:09 AM

Trouble sleeping and still getting horrible vivid dreams 😞

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