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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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puffstuff posted 8/29/2019 05:38 AM

Extremely paranoid and anxious about her using her wild card - that being that she can completely pull the rug underneath me by one day ringing me and saying she is moving back to her home town, 300 miles away, to be close to family (who all hate her at the moment, for other reasons than the affair). Obviously her being as far away from me as possible is a GOOD THING, but i would have to fucking move too to be near my kids. No way would I not be a MAJOR part of their life, so i would have to move.

I can see it happening. Puffstuff gets himself a promotion and a new partner, maybe even buys his own place instead of rent, and her, sitting in her self created misery, will use that as her last great discard.

It kept me awake last thinking about it. It's like I know now after stumbling through the last few months that I can do this alone, I can make it to the otherside so the future is actually looking bright and exciting. Christ knows what her future looks like being stuck with the school runs and a fat Waddling Shit Head. She will sense this. And she has a way of destroying it, by turning my world upside down one last time.

I just hope she sticks to London. I don't think it makes much sense for her to move back - our family house that she is in could last her a life time and the mortgage is cheap. I just gotta hope. I also need to look at it legally - i could get something written into the divorce for example.

puffstuff posted 8/30/2019 11:49 AM

I will shut up after this, but have to share. So no contact, other than a week of hell after DDay and a few feisty "chats" a short time after, has meant literally no contact other than talking kids and finances. she seems to have stuck to this too without my prompting (i dont want her to know I am doing it).

out of the blue today she says "do you want to briefly come together as a family to celebrate sons birthday at a restaurant?"

i just said no, i wouldn't want to do that. i would not feel comfortable doing that.

i don't see how it would benefit the kids either, they are already confused.

i changed hte subject to pick up times and then left.

i have to be very careful not to get sucked in, dont i.

the only thing i will settle for is earth shaking remorse. i feel too educated on this subject now not to settle for anythign less.

she knows where i am and how to contact me to express this.

i am sure she had no ulterior motive other than making my sons birthday better, but i cannot be sure.

#unsettled.

puffstuff posted 8/30/2019 11:55 AM

reminder of what my wife has done to me:

fucked a man in our marital bed a few days after DDay.
plastered there images all over social media a few days after dday.
updated her relationship status to him a few days after dday.
asked if he can "sleep over sometimes" a few days after i had moved out.
introduced our kids to him with a day of dday and me moving out.
spent two months decieving me with an affair.
spent a hundred quid on lingerie for him whilst barely acknowleding that i existed this past 6 months.
checked out emotionally of my marriage a year or so ago when i had done nothing wrong and whilst she saw me desperately try to improve the marriage.
took my son and daughter, 3 and 7, for a "night out" at the local pub until 11pm. so yeah, that's a 3 year old runnign around a pub with lots of adults, all because she wanted to spend time with a fat waddlign shit who was the DJ.
smirked at me a week after dday every time i pleaded to save our marriage.
saw him whilst i was in complete nervous break down mode a few days after dday. literally said, after i asked her why she was in sexy outfit, she said, "I am going out tonight with POSOM".

no, i don't want to share garlic fucking bread with you at Pizza c***ing Express.

gingerbreadman posted 8/30/2019 16:17 PM

Puffstuff, I experienced a similar cruelty last Summer myself when my WW decided she wanted to lie and ghost. I had to find out through an employee of mine that she was screwing my employee's first cousin. Mine picked up bodybuilding one year after marriage and completely changed from the innocent, caring, giving wife to some monster of a soul. We were married three years, together 10. She began winning competitions, getting more distant, staying out whenever, etc. I thought that she was having a breakdown or something with work as a nurse and competing. I never imagined in a million years imagined that she had time or lacked morals to cheat. She never looked back. I was torn to pieces for about 7 months trying to figure out where I went wrong. Now, I'm happy to be free of someone that could deceive without conscience. Keep moving forward!

[This message edited by gingerbreadman at 5:01 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 9/1/2019 01:27 AM

One year milestone: the idea that my ex left something, and someone, special. She's missing out on this phoenix over here. The grass truly is greener where you water it, and that bitch hadn't even spit on this grass for years. Luckily, I found all kinds of water that I didn't even know existed. When we were together at the end, I wasn't my greatest, but where I needed support and warmth and encouragement I got coldness, judgment, and avoidance. I've now found all of that within myself and from friends and family.

It was a long trek to get to here. We'll never get to true indifference. True indifference is being so over it, we don't even talk about it, here or elsewhere. It would be a complete nonissue. But they left their tattoo on our foreheads and we can only conceal it as best as we can. I know that despite her narcissism and our shared list of bullshit, we were sympatico on so many levels. We had a lot of laughs, sex, hugs, and touching moments. And now she's a memory of a ghost. It wasn't perfect, but it was us and it meant something. She can run away from that all she wants but she can't change history.

One year down, many more to go.

SerJR posted 9/1/2019 08:14 AM

But they left their tattoo on our foreheads and we can only conceal it as best as we can.

Not a tattoo... more of a scar. A reminder of what an absolute baddass we are, and a warning to the next challenge that crosses our path.

Rustylife posted 9/1/2019 13:13 PM

Ah yes the dreaded first year. For me it marked that the worst has passed and it'll only get better from here. You have survived and even thrived in this period Abandonedguy. Now if you find a way to trust again and love again without reservations, I'll be happy to hear.

What this whole thing really drove home for me was how utterly replaceable everyone is. My chest used to tighten up over thoughts of breakup with my ex. Now look where we are. I'm wholly indifferent about her other than the itch for "justice".

Always be there for yourself. Always keep your welfare at the forefront. Because there's no one else doing it for you.

Onwards and upwards man.

puffstuff posted 9/3/2019 02:39 AM

when thing i have noticed about this infidelity thing is how utterly fucking High School it all is.

"You didn't show me true wuv"
"He is my soulmate"

it's really like the "matters of the heart" for 16 year olds. infact i know 16 year olds who are more grounded and mature than some of the freaks who cheat and destroy marriages and families.

grow up already, for fucks sake.

puffstuff posted 9/3/2019 02:42 AM

well done abandoned guy for making it through that first year.i am sure there are many who would be in prison, or just surrounded by pizza boxes and valium packets. it sounds like you're well on your way in your new life.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 9/3/2019 09:46 AM

Congrats on making it through your first year AG!

I'm coming up on DDay 1 Oct 20th, then the real DDay Nov 3rd, so I'm preparing myself for that shit show. Unfortunately that is all right in the middle of a really big work project I have on Oct 28th, with prep and wrap on either side, otherwise I would just take those entire two weeks off.

Puffstuff, yes, this is all unbelievably High school, but then again, so is life. I remember in college thinking, wow, some of these people are still so immature. And then post-college, same thoughts. Even interacting with some of the soccer moms and all of their drama, I realized, the immaturity aspect just never goes away for some people. This is what they know, how they learned how to interact with people, and as long as they aren't being called out for it or facing any consequences for it, the behavior will continue.

I know this is why my XH is the way he is... he learned all of his sex addict coping mechanisms as a really young kid, and never did much to fix them. Wouldn't go to therapy, or meetings, hell, wouldn't even admit that he was an addict, even though he was spending hours on end in the bathroom, and I was finding masturbatory paraphernalia all over the house and even in his car. No matter what consequences I put in place, he found ways around them. It just proves to me that even with consequences, you can't hold someone accountable if they don't want to be accountable.

He refused to admit that it was an affair. I guess texting me that morning that he wanted a divorce made it ok to bring her back to our house and fuck her in our bed that night - something my 20 yr old step daughter overheard btw, because their room was next door, and she couldn't sleep.

In many ways my 20 yr old step daughter is light years ahead of my XH in maturity. After everything went down post DDay and he moved AP into the house, SHE confronted HIM about how fucked up that was. He screamed at her "Why doesn't anybody care what I want?" Real mature

Also she's been dating the same guy for a year and a half, and she has already told me that both of them want to get into individual therapy so they can each work on themselves. She and I talk a lot about how therapy has helped me navigate my way through this, so I can only hope that she is learning from that. I'm really proud of her for recognizing that she needs help, something her Dad never seemed to have the capacity for - he sought relief in all the stereotypical wayward ways.

She has been anxious and depressed for the past few years, and whenever she tried to talk to her dad about it he just said "So what, do we need to get you some of those depression pills?" He would make vague comments about getting her into therapy, but never followed through on it. The two times she went was because I booked the appointments and took off of work so that I could drive her the hour long drive to the only therapist covered by her insurance that worked weekends.

I know that him leaving for the AP was/is a gift. I no longer have to deal with the asshat who refuses to work on himself, and also doesn't do anything to help his daughters. But damn if I don't still miss him. I'm guessing it'll take a while longer before that goes away completely.

Its much better than it was, at least I don't wake up and start crying when I realize he's not in bed any more. And I only get the urge to call him when really important things come up, like all of my dad's hospital stays lately - I don't ever call, I fight off that urge. But I no longer have the knee jerk reaction to call when I get in the car on my way home from work, or for the mundane little things anymore, so that's good. Progress!

AbandonedGuy posted 9/3/2019 15:49 PM

All we can ask for is progress. As long as we don't stagnate, we're doing great as far as I'm concerned.

I still remember one year ago today very vividly. The shock. The desperation. The anger. Her complete lack of empathy. Her persisting coldness. Shit was heavy. Never believed I'd make it to where I'm at today, especially not alone.

Being on your own becomes addicting though. As long as you try, you never let yourself down. As long as you don't delude yourself you don't have anyone constantly lying to you. As long as you keep marching on and keeping yourself occupied with constructive activities, time handles the emotional part. It's like I had to wait out my brain, which took way longer than I would've liked.

We're the abandoned. The forgotten. The discarded. The rejects. Initiation is a son of a bitch, but damn does this club pay dividends if you don't lose sight of the prize.

Bookgirl posted 9/5/2019 01:49 AM

Happy year anniversary AG. Iím at the 5 month mark now and your posts have helped me through that first horrible phase. Iím wishing you happiness.

teacherjoggergal posted 9/5/2019 02:34 AM

This happened to me once that I know of and possibly more than what I know. Ten years ago my BF ceased contact with me all summer. Later I found out it was because he was hanging out with the new blonde woman in his neighborhood, giving her rides on the back of his motorcycle all summer. Someone hinted this to me and then I accidentally stumbled upon email he had written her. The email revealed that he had cut things off with her because she ended up not being as compatible for him as he thought. Apparently he broke up with her at the end of summer, shortly before he had started calling me again. The email also made it obvious that the reason for their breakup was because of them, nothing to do with me, as he had broken up with me without any words 2 or 3 months before.

Bookgirl posted 9/5/2019 10:43 AM

Bit of a down day. I met up with a friend who knows my ex and his new girlfriend. I know I shouldnít care, but I think his new girlfriend has been implying to people that she knows all about my relationship with my ex and is telling people they donít know the truth. I honestly had what I thought was a fairly good relationship where we were a partnership bringing up our two kids.Itís messed with my head again. More hurt and confusion and sadness. I should know better then to allow myself to think about this 😞

[This message edited by Bookgirl at 10:46 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 9/5/2019 19:38 PM

Bookgirl,
Cheaters and their hussies will lie to save face. Unless it's affecting something important, you should just shrug it off. Or run down to her place and start bashing her car with a bat while shouting "Keep my name out yo mouth bitch!"...but probably not that second one.

You're early into this. It'll get better over time. I've racked up almost 700 posts here over the better part of a year because I vent and complain the poison out of my system so it doesn't creep into my tangible life. If I were so inclined, I could probably graph my healing progress based on how many times I called my ex names or cursed or even just ranted. You'll slowly get here too. One day you wake up and realize these people are broken dickheads with a path of selfish destruction behind them and they did you a favor by ditching you, and that thought alone is enough to brighten your day.

The trick is to never stop working on yourself. Do the things you wanted to do, whether travel or write or learn a language. Meet new people. This is our best chance to make real improvements, after being utterly destroyed and having to rebuild our self worth from scratch. Once we get comfy in our new life, it becomes a lot harder to make time for this kind of stuff.

puffstuff posted 9/6/2019 04:10 AM

bookgirl.

that's what messed my head up more than anything, the perception that things were okay/good and we were moving forward into our futures together.

i wish i knew then what i know now about "narcissistic discard". the process of devaluation. i thought we were fine and good, but all the time, that slight distance, that slight coldness was actually her detaching and devaluing. she had "checked out" about 6 months before Dday. up pops OM and that's the end of of marriage.

What am I losing? Not a lot. People like this have values that do not fit with mine. values like commitment, honesty, loyalty, mutuality, support, kindness. she can't give me those values in my life so what am i losing? Not a lot. what am i gaining by rebuilding my life with the possibility of one day meeting someone who shares what i care about? A lot. rebuidling my life so i can enjoy the things i enjoy, and be the best, most present and loving father i can be. i am gaining a lot.

let them to have each other. even perhaps hope that they find happiness. i have now began to hope wife and POSOM actually DO walk off happily into the sunset, because that's what i realise now i can do myself and if she doesn't she probably has it in her twisted soul to try and drag me down again to her level by hoovering, or by threatening to move away with kids.

i find really thinking through and mulling over what it is i am actually going to lose with this woman out of my life really helpful. mornign the loss of the family unit is one thing, and it's a very real and painful loss, but i am starting to realise that losing HER is not really a great loss at all.

hope you have a great weekend.

Bookgirl posted 9/6/2019 05:43 AM

Thank you AG and Puffstuff I actually properly laughed at the thought of battering her car and losing my shit 😂 I have however managed to remain no contact. You are both right, he has absolutely nothing to offer me and his girlfriend is so messed up she feels special that he chose to leave me and his kids 😮 in the most horrible way. Itís a bit autumnal here today and Iím off work, so Iím going to go on a long walk with the dog and try and reset the day and enjoy myself. Thanks both.

[This message edited by Bookgirl at 5:45 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

puffstuff posted 9/10/2019 02:44 AM

argh, i hate that i am so worried about her.

I don't express this to her, but I am ruminating a lot about whether she is in emotional and mental pain, which she just likely not as she is is.

sheesh, talk about attachment. I still obviously have not fully let her go. There's guilt too - NC has given me space and healing and a sense of freedom. I then feel guilty as if somehow I don't deserve to feel this way.

I guess it's codependant to want to fix the other person. I just need to remind myself that she has her own plan, her own way of coping.

Why am I so set emotionally and mentally on preventing her from fucking up her life even more than she has already fucked it up? Why am I feeling bad for her when my empathy and sympathy should be directed at my folks (who this has been a big shock too) and myself, who has been discarded like a piece of trash?

i need to look into all this as I go further with my NC.

Seeing a lawyer this week, getting more ducks in a row.

Forgetting this woman and detaching from her completely is going to be one of the hardest things I ever have to do. NC is the vehicle to get me there.

Bookgirl posted 9/11/2019 03:35 AM

Puffstuff, Iíve been the same 🙄 itís hard to compute that their emotional wellbeing isnít down to us anymore. Itís one of the things I struggled most with because your logical brain and the emotional codependency donít mix. I spent years trying to make his life good and his relationships work, and itís really hard to switch that off. Especially when we are having little contact except kids and money stuff. I try to focus on the horrible way he has chosen his new life, so as not to get involved with worrying if heís okay. The whole thing is so hard. Keep on protecting yourself and this worry will pass I think.

puffstuff posted 9/11/2019 05:23 AM

thanks bookgirl. it's crazy.

if someone was to ask me now "how do you feel about her"

i would say "the only thing left is a feeling of feeling deeply sorry for her and worried".

it's like i have this urge for us to both be happy now it's all fallen apart, when really i should just be focusing on my kids and myself and my parents.

need to let go of hte outcome. this is her bed, let her lay in it. hopefully she'll learn something about herself.

being stuck raising kids with these dick heads is one hell of a burden. it's like dragging around a big heavy rock.

I wish we were both 21 and carefree - i would have screamed at her by now: "get the fuck out of my life you sad sack of shit. Don't ever darken my door again."

the daily contact is killing me but it can be overcome. we have all come so far. i can do this.

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