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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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shiloe posted 3/20/2018 03:15 AM

To all you who were married 25+ years.
How did your being abandoned and replaced affect you?
What losses do you feel? Not just financial, but like having love, companionship, pride, sells-esteem, etc.
Did they do a history rewrite and smear campaign against you to justify to others their choices?
How has it affected the quality of your life today?
What do you see for your life going into your supposedly Golden years?
Do family and kids expect you to accept what WS did and be the bigger person, like having OW/OM play step-grandma/pa to your grandchildren when they helped ruin your long term marriage?
Do you feel that it's another shit sandwich the BS spouse must choke down. Do you feel family and friends are clueless as to what being abandoned and replaced after a lifetime really does to the BS?

Lucyjr posted 3/20/2018 08:09 AM

Mine left me New Year’s Day 2017 I had a few weeks left of my pregnancy on our 3rd baby

He left for her and they got a new flat together he lied and said he was getting a place for himself
He married her in the Maldives in the July 2018 and hasn’t told me I found out from their wedding day photos all over Facebook I told our children in the end as they have a right to know

He has never looked back or regretted his decision to leave and that really hurts that I meant so little to him after 15 years and 3 kids

I’m the one still struggling everyday and he’s just got a new house and a new puppy with her and it makes me so mad and sad I no longer believe in Karma as it feels like I’m being punished not him

BeanLaidir posted 3/21/2018 12:50 PM

shiloe,
I was/am married 24 years, but the clock stopped for me at 23 years and for him perhaps a few years before that, who knows.
I lost my emotional equilibrium, and financially I will be struggling to get to grips for a while. I do miss the companionship for sure, friends and family have been amazing but they don't replace the closeness of a spouse. However, it's companionship in the abstract, not him per se, if that makes sense. What he has done has erased all the warmth from my feelings towards him. Now he just evokes stress and irritation in me, and I'm not pining for cosy nights with him by the fireplace.

As for pride and self-esteem? I briefly thought "why wasn't I enough" but soon saw his A for what it is...nothing to do with me or my perceived shortcomings and everything to do with his poor coping skills.

I have no idea if he has done a rewrite as he has truly abandoned me and the kids and I have almost zero contact, the kids have had none at all in more than a year. I'm sure he has indulged in justifications of all kinds, but who cares? Anyone he has told any crap to and who believes it is no friend of mine or my family's.

I am still deep in the mire of separation so being honest, my quality of life has suffered and at times my stress levels skyrocket. But I think my Golden Years are still far enough away that I can get back on track to a gloriously happy future with that arsehole dragging me down!

My kids and family and friends have no time for WH and nobody expects me to play happy families with his side. My FIL is the only one who seems to think his son is still a top notch human! We are some ways off any grandchildren (I hope!) so far. The kids have told their father that they will have nothing to do with him as long as he is still with OW. As far as they are concerned it's her or them. For now he has chosen her. If that changes, he can approach them and see how they feel. It may be too late, or they may come around but the work is his to do. They have drawn a line, and I am so proud of each of them for knowing right from wrong. It is so hurtful for them, but they seem to understand that their Dad is to be pitied for his choices more than anything else. If he lives out his days in a foreign country with the OW I doubt he will ever have the pleasure of seeing his children or any future grandchildren.

I won't eat any more shit sandwiches, I am determined to have a future full of champagne and strawberries instead.

luv2swim posted 3/21/2018 14:33 PM

"Only" 24 years married. But together more than 25 so I will jump in here. But understand my answers come now with many years perspective.

How did being abandoned affect me?
It took me years to recognize I had not been abandoned. I had been spared.

What losses do I feel?
I lost my wonderful illusion: a great marriage to a wonderful man whom I loved, and who loved me, our life, our children. It was like the movie Matrix. I swallowed the pill that woke me up to another reality (one not as easy or sweet, but actually preferred now).

History rewrite and smearing involved?
Yes. For all of us.

Has has the experience affected the quality of my life now (11+ years post d-day)?
Oh. Gosh. I experienced much pain. The kind I had no reference for prior. It is such a joy to be free of that. There is a breadth and depth of quality to my every day that is different than prior. Maybe not better, but certainly just as wonderful.

Where do I see my life going in my golden years?
I could be there now! It is sweet.

Do others expect me to accept what WS did?
One thing I have learned is to stop arguing with reality. My husband left our family for OP. He wanted to be with her. Not with me, our family. They got married. Our children see OP when they see their dad. I hope she is kind to them (and from what they tell me this is the case). If/when our children have kids, I hope people will be kind to them. Including OP.

"Shit sandwiches"?
I hold fast to the Karma Bus belief. It works in mysterious ways.

The clueness aspect of others.
If I believe that family and friends should understand all that I have experienced and what I feel, then is it also true I should understand all they have experienced and all that they feel? We only know what we can know. It is why we have SI --- it really is impossible for others who have not gone through this to understand the pain, the impact, the life altering scope.

Interesting questions. You might want to post this over at New Beginnings too.

ninon posted 4/1/2018 01:00 AM

*bump*

ninon posted 4/2/2018 11:33 AM

I have not sought to learn anything about STBX’s AP since he left in November. Now bits and pieces are coming back to me through our son and my mind is running wild with all the ways this woman may somehow “exceed” me. Advice on how to stop these self abusive thoughts?

Cephastion posted 4/14/2018 13:34 PM

Hey, there, Ninon. I didn't see this since that last question was posted by shiloe. I almost responded to shiloe's question too, since this is our 25th anniversary but the double desertion happened in the first and third years of our marriage, but it wasn't exactly what she was after in her questioning I guess.

Anyway, I too have wrestled with these monsters quite a bit myself. Part of what has helped me personally is to see what so often comes of Hollywood fairytale public eye relationships and beytrayals.

Those people typically couldn't be any more attractive and "successful" if they TRIED any harder to be. And yet I see how miserable and sad and reduced, bitter people they often become. Some of them can be looked at in terms of multiple decades of public history and tragedy like an ongoing train wreck that just never stops wrecking and derailing until they either DIE or else actually find some modicum of humility and regret or remorse for the way they've used their "assets" to abuse others and appease their own insatiable, Hitler-esque appetites for other people's spouses and stuff.

When I see how truly "happy" being a lying, cheating, undermining-but-pretty-faced THIEF had made them...well...it sometimes just plain KILLS them actually. The drugs and alcohol they use to numb their own consciences for all the harm they've needlessly done to others...I just think it helps me to not envy them so much for what they APPEAR to have going for them in their evil and backstabbing ways than I do in my relative innocence and honesty in dealing with other's spouses and such.

People who live with that kind of stress and seared consciences often don't age very well or gracefully, IMO. And I guess that helps me to see it beyond the moment somewhat.

"Flesh is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised."

And if you don't subscribe to "fearing the Lord" as such, it still stands to reason that beauty is only skin deep if it doesn't come from within as well as without (on the outside).

[This message edited by Cephastion at 1:35 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

gardens64 posted 4/22/2018 20:16 PM

How did your being abandoned and replaced affect you? 

Hardest thing ive ever been through. I thought i had found true love. He had an affair, i had to file for divorce because he wouldnt stop and now they have a baby


What losses do you feel? Not just financial, but like having love, companionship, pride, sells-esteem, etc. 

I miss having companionship and intimacy. I also feel panicky because time is crueller to women


Did they do a history rewrite and smear campaign against you to justify to others their choices? 

They tried but closest friends remained mine


How has it affected the quality of your life today? 

With joint custody i see them a lot. He has been an involved father but seeing her and the baby is very hard

What do you see for your life going into your supposedly Golden years?

Eating cat food lol. Once my kids turn 18 that is a huge hurdle done. I take no vacations that arent local.. I dont eat outm

Do family and kids expect you to accept what WS did and be the bigger person, like having OW/OM play step-grandma/pa to your grandchildren when they helped ruin your long term marriage? 

No none of my family does. My ex would love if i accepted her and we could be one happy family trading kids. Its going to be tough when their baby is older

Do you feel that it's another shit sandwich the BS spouse must choke down. Do you feel family and friends are clueless as to what being abandoned and replaced after a lifetime really does to the BS?

Yes i do. Its been 4 years and my family is sick of hearing about it. I have some close friends that i can talk to, one whom was widowed and we are both thinking of dating at same time

numb2018 posted 4/27/2018 12:36 PM

Hi, I guess I am joining you all in this neck of the woods. He told me last night he wants a divorce. Had no interest in R after DDay apparently. 25 years of marriage shot to hell. Apparently I have been the worst wife ever, and the OW will make him sooooooo happy! We'll see.

Two children and 30 years of togetherness. All gone now.

changeneeded posted 4/30/2018 22:43 PM

I'm sorry numb, we just "celebrated" our 25, together for 27 years.

What a stack of crap, right? Through the discovery of friend and H, I found another, yes another. A neighbor.

What delight...

IceThee posted 5/1/2018 01:56 AM

I have not sought to learn anything about STBX’s AP since he left in November. Now bits and pieces are coming back to me through our son and my mind is running wild with all the ways this woman may somehow “exceed” me. Advice on how to stop these self abusive thoughts?

ninon — one thing that has helped me is to remember that HE (WH) is to blame for this. If it wasn’t for him, there would be no APs. So I work to lay the full responsibility on him.

Secondly, yes they are completely abusive, self-harming thoughts. You can work to correct that- like reprogramming a tape- when a thought comes, counter it with a truth. For example, “AP is younger than I am” countered with “age is only a number”. Also most of these thoughts can be countered with the one truth that matters: we did not deserve this treatment.

Another thing (which I haven’t done yet but I am working on) is to put signs/notes to yourself around your home, that are uplifting to you. For example, “I am worthy of being loved”. “I am precious”. “I am unique and special and one of a kind”. “I like to bake”... et cetera. And I would recommend not comparing yourself to AP in this. Because at some point we have to let that go, in order to heal. It sucks I know, and there’s no rush... but focus on what uplifts you.

Hugs to you (((ninon)))

Bulldawg2010 posted 5/1/2018 02:05 AM

Wow I’m in this boat too.

My soon to be ex wife, gave me the whole I love you but not in love with you speech.
Wants a child’s version of separation, I’m pretty sure every night I wasn’t at our apartment, she was at the other mans apartment.

Tells me there is no one else.

I catch her drinking, even though she says she just “walking around the lake”.

She filed for divorce 10 days after giving me the I love you but not in love with you speech.

She then admits to having feelings for our neighbor while we were together. Also admits to things getting physical after she filed for divorce.

As far as I know, they are still seeing each other. Seeing as how this all just happened within the last two months, I would assume they are still together. She’s probably convinced herself she’s “in love” with fbis guy.

The worst part of it, was all the lying. I knew from the moment she gave me the I’m not in love with you story, that someone else was involved in our marriage. I just knew it.

And I’m more disappointed in myself that I believed the crap coming out of her mouth.

LilBlackCat posted 5/1/2018 16:47 PM

I have never really delved into this forum.. but I'm the same boat..

What burns more is that WW is still living with and enjoying her new life with AP for almost 3 years.. yet, I am still alone.. without any prospects or anything.. People keep telling me, that it isn't me.. she was selfish.. then why am I unable to get anything going.. I'm not that old dammit. Hell, AP is like 6 years older than me. Life, well certain parts of my life suck really bad.. and I hate it.

I am a decent person and have good morals and beliefs.. I have decent job, and am a decent father to my kids. I know I have a few extra pounds.. and am not tall.. or rich.. but for whatever reason, women just choose others..

InsideOutWife posted 5/25/2018 16:17 PM

I’m here too. He left for her, they’re married, happy, living a dream life. She’s very popular and well liked. So is he. Nobody cares they blew apart a marriage to get there. No karma for the cheaters but I’m getting to a point where I can accept that I guess.

tigerlilly posted 6/11/2018 12:02 PM

Just wanted to give my support. I’m more than 10 years out.

shiloe, I was “only” married 18 years, but the loss of the shared history was so sad for me. It was like that history just “disappeared.” It’s hard, hard to disentangle emotionally. I can say that I lead a much fuller life now and have much better relationships with my family members. I hope you can find joy in other (even unlikely) places.

InsideOutWife, I’ve stopped waiting for karma. For years, I desperately wish for it. They look reasonably happy. Who knows if they actually are. A friend told me, years ago, “Ex will realize he made a mistake, but by the time he does, it will be far less satisfying then you think it will be.” I think that is true. I rarely think about them anymore. I only do when it involves my kids, which is becoming less and less, and as s#2 enters college, it will become rare even. My brother, the quintessential businessman told me, “Any time or energy spent thinking about them is a waste of your precious mental capital.” I have tried to live by that (sometimes better than others). Hang in there.

LilBlackCat, it feels very unfair, and it is. But you hang in there too. It is really hard to date when your kids are young. It took me 7 years and A LOT of heartache to find my foreverman. But it happened and it makes me glad each of those other guys dumped me. None were as good a fit as this guy. We’ve been together 5 years an plan on it being a lifetime. Stay hopeful, love is out there.

Dragonfly123 posted 6/16/2018 00:41 AM

Hi,

After a lot of to'ing and fro'ing I ended up having to pull the trigger on my WH. So he's back with his AP and good luck to them so I feel I can join this board.

ATM I honestly can see how dysfunctional my husband has been throughout our marriage and all the traits that enabled him so easily to destroy his family and devastate his children and I.

I'm reading through this thread and there's so much heart ache and talk of the 'happiness' of the WS and AP, BUT surely behind closed doors these people are still the same. My WH won't be 'happy' he'll soon start his passive aggressive shit, lying, drinking, and lets face it prob cheating as soon as reality kicks in. So whatever facade they put on... he's still the same person and she'll still be the same woman who had sex in a toilet cubicle to trap a father and husband with two small children. I can't see that bringing happiness, more an I've made my bed I'll lie in it situation.

My question to you is when you look back can you see traits that led to the affair and show that your WS was disordered? How does that bring them the happiness that you believe they have now?

Someone at work said to me 'Dragonfly, this wasn't a fight as to who he 'chose' it was a fight as to who got out first, and you won, that woman lost big time, she just doesn't realise it yet'

Thoughts my fellow broken hearts...


tigerlilly posted 6/16/2018 07:31 AM

Dragonfly, for me it is not so much whether their “disorders” bring them happiness or not. For me it was a slow (non-linear) progression from obsessing about them to focusing only on myself and my life. Now, years out, I don’t know or care if they are happy or not, my happiness has very little to with their happiness or lack thereof.

I can tell you that I am happy I no longer have to put up with his laziness, gaslighting or passive-aggressive BS. Those were all things I made concessions for, for the sake of the marriage.

Good luck, it’s a long haul. I wish I could speed up time for you.

Dragonfly123 posted 6/16/2018 10:46 AM

Tiger, you star!

You're bringing me back to my healing. I feel I'm in a pretty good place. I can honestly say most of the last week I've scored 6/10 on my 'howwasmyday' meter. Coincides with going NC with my cheater but I am still obsessing over who this man is rather than my healing. A conversation I had with my IC on Friday.

Time to start healing me... heal me till I reach that much longer for state of 'meh'!!

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 6/16/2018 11:16 AM

I'm a future member of this group. I know he's cheating with an old gf, and they are planning on being together, on her freaking time frame. So I guess I;m just the place holder until she's ready. In the meantime, I am trying to take advice from her, but its so hard.

Cephastion posted 7/2/2018 05:10 AM

So I guess I;m just the place holder until she's ready. In the meantime, I am trying to take advice from her, but its so hard.

Whyagainwhyher, I'm assuming that you meant to say " taking advice from here" rather than " from her". That said, I didn't do the homework on your other posts on SI, but I want to STRONGLY encourage you to let the hell go of the tug of war rope and slam the door in his (and her) FACE.

There's REALLY something about exercising that kind of self respect and taking the CONTROL out of his and HER hands...and sitting in the captain's chair YOURSELF INSTEAD.

I'm a man myself, and I KNOW this worked on my own wife BOTH times she played the part of being a two timing, abandoning bitch. But what's more is that I know as a man how much it is in a man to want what we think we have a right to, but get our "scepter" or throne pulled out from under us.

It REALLY tends to wake a man or woman up and get them focusing on regaining what was lost.

Additionally, you'll be soooooo VERY glad you did, once you see things in hindsight. My hindsight is 22 YEARS since her last adultery, lies, and abandonment spree/binge. My PRIMARY regret is that I took soooooo damn long to actually go thru with what I'm STRONGLY advising you to do here.

I got her, the marriage, and my self-respect back within days of doing this very thing.

Whether you win him and the marriage back or not, you'll have to live with yourself in any case. Take the wheel and pull the eject lever on his pilot's seat. He's DUI right now and isn't fit to be the one doing the "driving". Take his keys or rather YOUR keys away from his self entitled ASS and let him figure out how to "captain" THAT.

As for that gf of his...I'd recommend a strong proactive show of strength. Dump his stuff on her doorstep or in her world along with any "dirty laundry" literal or figurative that she might want to know about before she's in the exact same boat that you're in. Give her a sympathy/condolences card on winning someone as backstabbing as SHE is for a lover and maybe a little rear view mirror or baby cam to her as a present to help her watch her OWN back just like you have had to do with that "prize" of yours.

People respect strength. Including yourself, most likely. Be strong and kick ass.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 5:13 AM, July 2nd (Monday)]

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