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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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puffstuff posted 10/24/2019 09:41 AM

another theory that is objections relations theory. these people from infancy don't attach well. they can superfically attach but never really form a deep bond. hence why it is so much easier for them to chuck us away.

this has legs with my wife. i have asked a lot of people who knew her, my family, some friends and asked "did you ever feel bonded, deeply bonded, with her?"

every single one of them, five or six, said "no. bonded, but not deeply bonded". and this was people very close to her in the conventional sense.

it's all so sad. what has happened to me, to her, to our kids is so sad. i guess the goal is to make the future brighter.

STLLOST posted 10/24/2019 09:47 AM

I said something to my xh like that - that after him begging me to stay and to give it another chance, and me doing it, reluctantly so even through my pain, and then him throwing me away, was just beyond painful - beyond cruel

THIS^^^

If finding out your partner cheats breaks your heart and then you give it more chances because they claim "I don't know why it's different this time, it just is. I know what I want and it is our marriage" that breaks it more, to find out the AP is someone you thought was a friend breaks it even more, to having your spouse decide that you're not worth fighting for breaks it...how the hell are we supposed to put our heart back together again? At this point it's a 5,000 piece puzzle and I'm pretty sure there are some pieces missing from the box. So I'm not ever going to put it all together again.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/24/2019 09:55 AM

for about 6 months i noticed something had changed. a real shift. she no longer gave me a hug before we went to sleep. no longer had sex. she would talk about splitting up and then agree not to, but there was a smirk, a something else there that i could never quite work out. i pulled closer, she pulled away. i read books. i worried that i was a terrible husband. she was literally withdrawing, bit by bit, infront of my eyes and i was doing NOTHING wrong. there was no control, no clingyness, no abuse, no addictions, nothing. i was just an average joe bloke trying to be a good husband. but still she drew away. always with a smirk. silent treatments. irritation with me, very subtle, just beneath the surface...all of the above was the devalue stage.

I had this as well - almost exact amount of time too. I had read all about narcissism last year and my now XWH's IC had talked to him about being high on the narcissism spectrum but not being NPD (he's not - he's missing a few of the classic indicators) - but the discard phase as you described was very similar.

Here's where we differ: he has told a few people now that we are D and he's told them it "just didn't work out" and that it was just a case of "irreconcilable differences". After his reaction to my telling his best friend what really happened that's the way everyone else will perceive it. No one will hate him or disown him or think badly of him. His job, with the AP and the OBS will go along like it has - the OBS will remain tortured by his presence, and he will just keep doing it because it's what he wants to do. I'm still at the house with him right now so he cannot simply erase me, but he's working on it, and will be easy for him when I'm gone.

He basically told me that I am a good person but the world is filled with good people and I'm just not the right one for him. That he's sorry, but that's the way it is. He admits he still in contact with his AP now - but just as friends - which is total bullshit and we both know it. It's all so thinly veiled and pointless, but to him, his image is more important than anything.

puffstuff posted 10/24/2019 10:36 AM

another good description of a narcissist or someone on the scale:

bridge burners.

you want to know how my wife has acted this past year or so, it's that phrase.

she's a fucking idiot.

josiep posted 10/24/2019 11:58 AM

I'm dying to get back here and talk about this some more but once that lightbulb went off, I've been busy doing real life stuff. Stuff I'd let slide by the wayside while I spent all my time ruminating and rehashing and wallowing.

Yep, narcissist discard is what happened to me and now that I get it, I can move forward. I'm stll hurt and I'm still pissed but I'm no longer crippled with the "why?" and that's what I needed.

I wanna have it put on personalized Christmas cards to send out. :)

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/24/2019 12:15 PM

I hear what you are saying JosieP - just be careful. The "why" of what he did helped me for awhile, and then it didn't anymore. My XH is on the scale - meaning - and his IC has confirmed this - that he is capable of change but it will take work. He doesn't want to do the work - he just wants to leave it all in the dust - and that still hurts no matter how hard I try to ignore it.

I'm glad you've found peace - stay focused on that and on yourself. I'm glad you are feeling better as I've watched you suffer on here for awhile like the rest of us. It's nice to see someone getting a break!

puffstuff posted 10/24/2019 12:25 PM

Weve got all the good shit on this thread,welcome to tge fold josieP

josiep posted 10/24/2019 17:42 PM

I'm lucky cuz he's 1200 miles away and remarried so there's no contact between us whatsoever. He hasn't spoken to me since the day he left cuz he was so mad that I questioned his faithfulness - we did the divorce stuff via email.

But what I meant about the "why" is, I now know it in my heart of hearts that my outcome was written in stone from the get go. Me being the perfect wife or me being the worst wife wasn't the issue. I knew that before but not deep down, if that makes sense. I now get it deep down and the weight that's been lifted off me since I read that about the narcissist discard is such a relief. I know I'll still struggle and have moments but the deep sadness is lifted.

I can also relate to those who talked about feeling sorry for their WS. I do feel sorry for mine because he'll never connect to another human being the way I'm able to. He'll never feel that bond. And because he's not able to love others as much as he loves himself, he'll never understand how loved he was nor will he ever have the blessing that comes from having unconditional love for another. I don't dwell on that but it is true.

hopefullife posted 10/24/2019 18:57 PM

I'm lucky cuz he's 1200 miles away and remarried so there's no contact between us whatsoever.

I so want my WH and OW to go miles away. But his business is here. I feel like I'm the one that should move away, I've had that plan to move to a different country before I met and married him. Maybe it's time to pursue that dream.

I sometimes worry I will bump into them at the mall with the child, looking very much like a happy family. I think I will stand tall, smile and even greet them like I don't care about them at all. I need to be the strong woman that I am and make them see that they did not destroy me but I don't know in reality. Did any of you bump into exes? How did it go?

Rustylife posted 10/24/2019 19:19 PM

Did your nutter trade up or down?

Some things he had that I don't and vice versa. Older than both me and my ex. Looks like a fatter version of Jack Black in School of Rock. Much richer background than mine. Probably a better fit considering my ex was from a super rich family as well. All our common friends find him too chummy and overbearing though.

It doesn't matter. Guy just happened to be there. I doubt that he'll ever be more to me than some random loser she cheated on me with.

AbandonedGuy posted 10/24/2019 20:00 PM

Guy just happened to be there

This is what's hard to internalize, but is still always the truth. Everyone takes things personally, especially something as traumatic as a spousal betrayal, but ultimately it does no good comparing yourself to the AP. They just happened to be available when the cheater needed someone to glom onto. The answer to "But why them?" is always always always "Because they were there".

hopefullife posted 10/25/2019 07:11 AM

Guy just happened to be there.

Because they were there

I believe this too. I think my H would have done it with any OW as long as she boosts his ego. I still find it hard to swallow sometimes though because this OW is threatening and manipulative yet he still chose her. Probably because of the kid they have together but whatever. I believe it now, all cheaters affair down. I know I am a better person overall. We are better.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/25/2019 13:02 PM

Me being better is little (or really if I admit it to myself) no solace. The unfairness is killing me. I spoke to my former employer. The one I went to in order to make myself more marketable for a better job, the dream job, here with him. And he told me what I already knew. That this recommendation that will be lluke warm at best will basically exclue me from getting another job like this one, that I have spent the better part of 15 years to get. That my best option financially is to go back where I came from and do what I was doing before, like all of the past 11 years were for nothing...erased. While my xh stays exactly where he is, in the same good job, with the AP and the OBS, apparently not giving a shit what he puts the OBS through daily just by being there. He will be dating soon Im sure and although I doubt he will marry anytime soon, who knows. He has come to terms with us ending and will move on relatively unscathed while I pick up the pieces of my very messed up life and try to figure out what to do. Those are the facts and it leaves me feeling worthless and so unhappy.

I know, Im supposed to focus on me, and I have little choice but doll to do just that. My options suck both now and long term. I get to grieve not only the loss of us but of the future I thought I would have for me, apart from him, and I get the added bonus of explaining to everyone I know why Im where I am. Doesnt do wonders for the self esteem.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/25/2019 13:04 PM

And by dating I mean dating her out in the open soon. My leaving opens that door. It will be hush hush for awhile while she cleans up her own marriage and ends it and then they will emerge like they just started dating in awhile. And honestly I dont care who its with it just sickens me that he took a sledge hammer to my whole life asking me to stick around, and ultimately did not really think about or care about me at all.

hopefullife posted 10/25/2019 19:45 PM

I get to grieve not only the loss of us but of the future I thought I would have for me, apart from him, and I get the added bonus of explaining to everyone I know why Im where I am.

I totally get you. The career I worked so hard for was greatly affected by this. I even sort of resigned from work, retracked and it made such a mess in the office since I and my bosses couldn't quite figure out what to do with the situation I'm in. Add to that, people always ask you 'how is married life? kids?'All that sh*t you never wish you need to answer

My leaving opens that door.

This also. I will be filing for D. But it's not that easy here and I sometimes feel like if I do, I will even be helping them get the freedom they want. I remind myself I'm doing that for myself, but you get the point. I can't wait to have them served with karma

[This message edited by hopefullife at 7:48 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

hopefullife posted 10/26/2019 05:59 AM

I never thought I'd be part of all these clubs. Cheating is one thing, fathering a child is another, being betrayed more than once is beyond, and being discarded is on a whole different spectrum.

I am so angry right now and hurt. I asked my STBX to not live with the OW while we're still married. They just need to wait until we end things properly. I know that's farfetched, but I asked for respect and I hoped that somehow he could give it to me. Boy was I so wrong. There is nothing left to hope for with this person. I learned that they moved to a new home and my STBX got into panic mode that I knew about it. Like wth. So what if I knew? You were so deadset on protecting this OW even after I asked you to respect me?

[This message edited by hopefullife at 6:11 AM, October 26th (Saturday)]

burninghouse posted 10/26/2019 22:49 PM

I never thought I'd be part of all these clubs. Cheating is one thing, fathering a child is another, being betrayed more than once is beyond, and being discarded is on a whole different spectrum.

Same here, every single word.

hopefullife, You have been heard. When he did all the things you listed above, none of it was out of respect for you. It was out of pure selfishness. He is proving his selfishness yet again, that and his cowardice. Of course he is in a panic that you know he's shacking up with the POS OW. This is what a coward does. He would rather do exactly what he wants and hide it than to be upfront and honest, let alone respect you or your wishes. He's showing you exactly what kind of person he is.

burninghouse posted 10/26/2019 23:19 PM

I just went through some of his things, packing them up. I found a box of cards, notebooks, keepsakes. All those wonderful memories from over the years together, and he destroyed all of it. Every dream we had is forever gone. Just like that. Gone. He made a series of decisions and in doing so he completely wrecked (what I thought was) a beautiful life together and my life along with it, like some hellish force of nature. Everything I once knew and held dear is gone, destroyed in such an emotionally violent manner, so coldly, and without any closure. I still have a difficult time believing it. It's still hard to grasp the reality of the facts. But it's true. How can something be so true and undeniable yet the mind just keeps searching for meaning, for reasons? Feels like a sizeable chunk of my brain has gone MIA too.

The other day I received a small gift in the mail from him. How bizarre? How confusing! How empty. I have come to the conclusion that he did it for himself, to assuage his guilt maybe? To make himself feel better? To show he is a guy who cares? But it just confuses the hell out of me. When I look at all those sweet cards and intimate tokens of love, I wonder: Did he do all that for him too? Was he pretending all along? Was ANY of it real? It really seems as if he changed somehow. I don't get it though. When did this change happen? He hid everything so damn well. No wonder there is such trauma and sense of unreality in all of this.

It's like someone ripped the entire middle part out of this really great book I was so fully engrossed in, and all of a sudden I find myself in a strange new chapter where the really crazy plot twist already took place, but I have no idea what it was or how it happened. I keep looking for those missing chapters, but they have been ripped out and thrown away. He absconded with them, and I can't make any sense of this crazy book now. It's all so disorienting. Even after well over a year it still seems so unreal. Where did he go? Why did he leave? Where did my life go?

It is better though. It does get better. At least I'm now able to touch his things without freezing up. At least now I can look at his stuff, pick it up, and put in a box without having an anxiety attack. This is progress I suppose. Yet I still can't believe it, still having trouble facing the FACT of what he did, the FACT that he is gone, the FACT that the life I knew and loved is over, the FACT that I had zero choice in the matter. My mind just keeps searching and searching for meaning in all of this.

hopefullife posted 10/27/2019 06:46 AM

The other day I received a small gift in the mail from him. How bizarre? How confusing!

What did you do with it? A few weeks ago mine sent me a take care message when he learned I was going home late from an event. It is confusing. It's like they want to let you know they still care about you but not enough to fix you.

I'm lucky most of our couple stuff are still in boxes. We just moved when it all blew over and I didn't get the chance to sort things out cause I was busy getting our lives on track.


It's like someone ripped the entire middle part out of this really great book I was so fully engrossed in, and all of a sudden I find myself in a strange new chapter where the really crazy plot twist already took place, but I have no idea what it was or how it happened.

This is a very good analogy. Mine feels like a fast forwarded movie. Where everything happened so fast and so confusing. It's as if I was enjoying this amazing prologue then someone decided to fast forward it to get to the climax. Then I was left with the question of how did we get here? Where did it all go wrong? We had a great love story, it just wasn't a great ending.

[This message edited by hopefullife at 6:47 AM, October 27th (Sunday)]

burninghouse posted 10/27/2019 12:41 PM

hopefullife, I like your movie analogy. It's like that for me too. So how did we skip over the parts that explain things and right into this terrible movie ending?

I put the gift back in its box which is sitting on the counter. I'm not sure what to do with it right now. It's like my mind is still trying to figure out what it means. It's like my mind desperately wants to square this strange new forced reality onto its old world map that includes having a good and loving and mutually supportive marriage. But the new reality and the old reality are nothing alike.

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