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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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hopefullife posted 10/27/2019 20:09 PM

I guess proper closure at the very least where we both decide to ends things did not happen the way it's supposed too. Like we're left to accept whatever it is they decide not to give. My H told me when we talked about officially ending our marriage "if we ever get there". Yet he continues to live with this OW. I do not deserve to be Plan B.


It's like my mind is still trying to figure out what it means. It's like my mind desperately wants to square this strange new forced reality onto its old world map that includes having a good and loving and mutually supportive marriage. But the new reality and the old reality are nothing alike.

It's heartbreaking, isn't it? Deep in our hearts we desire to have our marriages restored, cause really, how do you turn that off? How could we be like our Xs who have moved on so easily? Maybe it's tough on them too, but hey, it was their choice. I sometimes think my STBX is helping me move on by not caring about me at all. But no, I think he may just be that selfish.


These past few days have been particularly tough. I haven't really slept well. I'm trying to be better for myself but it's so so hard to get there.


burninghouse posted 10/27/2019 23:09 PM

hopefullife, I'm currently reading books by Susan Anderson. She writes about abandonment and has created a workbook for help with recovery. I have not yet made it to her workbook but intend to. She's a therapist who went through the trauma of betrayal and abandonment when her husband of many years left her for another woman. When that happened she was destroyed but couldn't find anything that specifically addressed the deep and abiding pain that those of us in this "special club" experience. So, she dove deep into the research and ended up writing her own books after something like 10 years reviewing all kinds of studies and working with her own clients. I have also watched a few of her interviews, and her material has been among the most helpful so far. That and mindfulness practices have been the most help, along with finding people who "get" betrayal trauma because they've been through it. It's a long and often arduous healing journey, but it does get better. And it's worth it to do the work necessary to heal. Be extra kind and gentle with yourself, and remember that self care means making choices that will benefit your long-term health, happiness, and well-being. This is not an easy journey, but you are not alone. (((Hugs)))

hopefullife posted 10/28/2019 00:24 AM

Thank you burninghouse. I googled her now. I will check her resources. I need all the help I can get.

I know most of you are already far off on this than me (only 2mos separated). Reading back on these pages (and SI in general) gives me hope that months or years down it will get better.

[This message edited by hopefullife at 12:25 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

burninghouse posted 10/28/2019 02:06 AM

You are very welcome HL, and you are right - it does get better, although at times the struggle may seem never-ending. There is an intense roller coaster ride of ups and downs to be expected. One day, even one moment, might feel okay, even good. Then the next there's some kind of trigger and it feels like back to square one. But over time and with patience and healing, it does get better. I'm over a year and a half from d-day, and although I still struggle, I can see big improvements when I look back at where I was right after d-day. We're here for you, for each other. I'm sorry you have to go through this but know that you're not alone and that healing and a good life are in your future. There will be many ups and downs, but you will get through this.

hopefullife posted 10/28/2019 03:40 AM

Thank you burninghouse. Those are very comforting words. These are the trials in life where you pray no one else has to experience, cause how can you wish such pain on somebody else? Yet, you are thankful you are not alone, somebody truly understands and is helping you make it through.

Cephastion posted 10/28/2019 06:36 AM

I didn't realize that this "narcissist discard" thing would actually be a key to me understanding my shit-for-a-heart MOTHER IN LAW that abandoned my own fww (and her own son and husband--my FIL, as well, btw) when my eventual fww was just 15 years old.

And she's STILL playing with that deck of cards in her head and teaching my kids to be just like her in how they deal with us and the world around them as well.

Thank you for sharing that on here.

As I have stated before, my fww did in fact leave me twice for several months on end each time but we are still very much in the recovering-reconciling process now.

Consequently, this not only explains the past but also explains my wife's FOO that she STILL has to work thru as well as what the operating system of my POS MIL is basing her current treacheries on along with how she's rolled for decades now.

puffstuff posted 10/28/2019 08:18 AM

You cant do what these people do without some serious character issues at a play, in my view.

Marz posted 10/28/2019 08:22 AM

No you can't. In the end it's a choice/decision.

They all know exactly what they're doing.

burninghouse posted 10/28/2019 10:01 AM

You cant do what these people do without some serious character issues at a play, in my view.

Agreed.

burninghouse posted 10/28/2019 10:13 AM

Speaking of serious character flaws, and to answer the question posted earlier on this thread: Did they trade up or down? It's worth reading or re-reading if you've seen it before: "Honey, they always affair down..." re-posted by Edie in the Just Found Out forum. This particular post focuses on the BWs of WHs but the gist of the message applies to BWs, BHs and betrayed partners alike.

Edit to add: And in our cases here, when the WS/P actually leaves for the AP, it says a lot about the both of them. Cowardly, low moral character, sad/weak if not nonexistent core values, etc. They affair down, and even though it hurts like hell and healing takes awhile we are freed from infidelity, from the worst kind of betrayal and deception, and from all that hidden slow-killing poison the cheater injected into our lives.

[This message edited by burninghouse at 10:27 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

puffstuff posted 10/28/2019 10:17 AM

i ran through the mental health list with mine

was she...

depressed - no
anxious - no
psychotic - no

so that's everything covered.

the only thing left is character, personality.

lack of empathy at the core of it. or, at least, whilst they are acting this way.

puffstuff posted 10/28/2019 10:17 AM

run for the hills, in other words.

AbandonedGuy posted 10/28/2019 20:14 PM

Cephastion-
My exwife's mom also abandoned her family. It's funny because 20 years later, husband #2 died and she started to regret her decision. She'd tell my ex "I should've stayed with your dad"...and exwife still did what she did. Her mom was pretty heinous back in the day, wanting to abandon her multiple kids and also take the family home and kick everyone out. She went full blown "this is my new life now and there's no room for my old life" on the family. Disgusting shit. It totally ruined ex's dad for a while, too, as anyone here can understand. Ex actually exhibited a lot of both parents' negative traits. Her dad was the secretive one who hid money and stuff from his second wife. Her mom was a narcissist who thought of nobody but herself. Great examples to lead...

The example above about this all seeming like a book you were reading where it feels like you skipped to the shitty part at the end was spot on. All those missing chapters happened in our ex's head, not ours. Oh well, I hear those chapters were bunk anyway, the delusional scribblings of a madperson.

Bookgirl posted 10/29/2019 05:02 AM

Like one of those kids fantasy books where you choose different endings. They chose the wrong route to the end.

AbandonedGuy posted 10/29/2019 08:28 AM

More like none of the endings in the book were good enough so they scribbled their own fanfic in the margins

Bookgirl posted 10/29/2019 12:00 PM

AG 😂👍

[This message edited by Bookgirl at 12:01 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

puffstuff posted 10/29/2019 15:18 PM

Mine was being manipulative today. Stone eyes whilst she was doing it. I walked away from the kid drop off confused, it was only later i could see what she had been doing. She is As cold as a fish.

And then i remembered...she doesnt give a shit about me. Not deeply. And, strangely, that realisation was liberating.

Liberating because by realising that, truky seeing it at play, i dont have to give anything back and can keep clearing my head of this person.

cancuncrushed posted 10/29/2019 23:05 PM

At this point Iím glad he left. It no longer matters how. Just that he did. And did so quietly and eagerly. He is Npd. This could be worse. Believe it.

Yes I was shocked once again. He is serial cheater. I guess thatís what helped me. He discarded me in the most cruel way. That hurts anyone. Especially after 36 years. I had seen it before. I was numb. I had been detached awhile.

I was smart enough to know this was best. It was an opportunity. I was in a way, Lucky. If I could get thru the pain. The cruel discard. Another affair. This was The best way. No violence. His idea. He was happy.

Itís been 1.5 years. Itís Slow Healing is still a big effort. I see a better future.

Heís alone. Heís been dumped. That gives me satisfaction. In a sad way. His drinking is out of control. Heís in bad shape. Itís not my problem. Anymore.

It was very hard. Without a doubt. To lose your future. Present. Even past. I had already experienced all the affair damage symptoms long ago and again and again. It was the last hoorah. I had zero feelings about Ow. She was just another fool. I did zero detective work. Didnít care to know. I know I stayed way too long.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:19 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

puffstuff posted 10/31/2019 18:13 PM

The whole thing is fading in my mind now, thank god. I can feel myself moving on. I thought the agony would last forever. I am sure there will be rough stuff ahead but finally finding some balance i think and some hope. This thead has been pure gold. Xxx

Bookgirl posted 10/31/2019 19:27 PM

I feel the same Puffstuff. Iím starting to feel like Iím going to be okay. This thread has helped me loads too.

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