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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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ShatteredSakura posted 2/21/2020 10:35 AM

Using "eww" rather than "exww" is an understatement, talk about eeeew!

That's good news though.

hopefullife posted 2/21/2020 21:40 PM

June was DDay, roughly or exactly a week before my birthday. Can't remember the exact date and it's okay. I don't want to be reminded.


Sometimes i wish so bad to have amnesia to escape the pain but it might make me repeat the same mistakes and I don't want that. Not all people are like what our previous partners are and I still believe in true love. Except, I no longer believe I will find it. I'm making peace with getting back to my original repertoire. Solitude is okay, great even.


That's good to hear LostandFound. Enjoy your vacation. We are good people and it manifests.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/21/2020 23:03 PM

The very first dday was also around my birthday in october 2017. It was my 30th. Some of her friends (the AP included) had milestone 30th birthday parties. I got an affair. What a fun way to enter the decade

Sometimes i wish so bad to have amnesia to escape the pain but it might make me repeat the same mistakes and I don't want that. Not all people are like what our previous partners are and I still believe in true love. Except, I no longer believe I will find it. I'm making peace with getting back to my original repertoire. Solitude is okay, great even.

I'd roll the dice on amnesia. I feel like for non-work Im not very functional right now with how numb I still feel, so forgetting and being my old self would be really nice.

What are the odds of it happening again, right?? Maybe I should leave a note just in case...

I love solitude. But I do miss the conversations we would have. A poster on SI said something that struck a chord recently, where they feel like they've become asexual since separating. Our sex life was nice and frequent, but honestly? I don't think I really care if I ever "get laid" again. The stuff I valued were the every day little things; simply holding each other and sharing our thoughts and experiences. Intellectual stimulation.. You can't get that from ONS' or casual dating. And I didn't feel that deep connection with other women I dated before WW. I don't mind being alone, but dang I got used to that.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 11:06 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

hopefullife posted 2/22/2020 06:32 AM

I get you Shattered. Relationships are not just about sex. Some may argue that sex is what makes a friend vs girl/boyfriend different, but can you really build a genuinely good partnership with just great sex? It's the deep connection that goes beyond just physical that's important. Well for us, at least. I don't know about our exes.

I really thought I was lucky to find a life partner at first try. What a misfortune it turned out to be. My worst first mistake.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/22/2020 08:11 AM

Some may argue that sex is what makes a friend vs girl/boyfriend different, but can you really build a genuinely good partnership with just great sex?

No. Recently I had a thought how dumb it is to call someone you barely know, but are having sex with, "your partner". I cringe when it's used so casually like they're your tennis partner (although I bet tennis partners don't come in and out of your life nearly as frequent!).

WW had a deep emotional connection to the AP, so I know it wasn't just about the sex. In some ways it makes it worse. But she had red flags that I cannot tolerate in whatever relationship comes next anymore. I guess for me those are changes in my "picker". I was willing to put up with a lot for a deep connection. I thought we were on the same page for many things and wanted to head in the same direction, we'd often talk about it. And the places where we had friction (as I've described in past posts), I thought she could get better about. I fell into the oldest trap of wanting to change someone.

But with you hopeful, weren't you blindsided? I don't know how many red flags you overlooked. You also were together a few years more than we were. First try or not, how can anyone see it coming in that case? There are high school sweethearts who are together for 20-30 years until someone cheats. How can we account for someone who at some unknown future date decides this life isn't for them?

That's the scariest thing about trying this again. People are fickle and what if you end up with someone who acts committed but they lied to themselves as well as you. I'm the type of person where I don't change on a dime and I mean what I say. Am I going to have to polygraph them on the 3rd date??

--------

Ugh, I woke up from a nightmare this morning. For some reason I was seated at a table inches away from her and her AP at a restaurant. They were asked by the waiter if the check would be split, to which the AP said arrogantly with a grin that if he was paying he was going to get sex tonight. I nearly flipped the table and lunged at him with a fork that I was holding, but I restrained myself and then woke up. It felt very real.

I have no idea why I dreamt that or the meaning. I cursed myself for not mauling him though!

It was like the scene in True Lies where the used car salesman gets his face bashed in while talking about Arnold's wife, but it's revealed Arnold is only imagining it. I imagined stabbing the AP with a fork while I was seated in the restaurant then restrained myself from actually doing it, but the whole thing was a dream. Very weird.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 8:17 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

hopefullife posted 2/22/2020 09:02 AM

Oh there were red flags. I ignored them so that's on me too. I never in a million years would think he'd cheat on me, moreso months into the marriage. I've always been supportive with his business and he used it as a cover. His business partners always envied him having such an understanding gf/wife. Theirs always demanded time and would argue over the need for longer work hours. Big mistake on my part. Good job to their wives, they are all still together. If I had been more demanding, the A would have stopped earlier or I would have known about it sooner. I chose to be naive and this is my punishment.

I don't trust a polygraph. I've experienced how a person can lie over and over without batting an eyelash. Some are pathological liars. I'm afraid that if and when I meet the person I'd risk having a relationship to and he does this to me again, I will blame only myself for giving again my trust.


You took the high road even in your dream. A pat on the back for you.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/22/2020 09:37 AM

I don't really want to be on the high road anymore. Ive been on it for so long and struggle with the regret that I should've confronted him. I waited for her to correct it, which was my naive mistake. It was like waiting for the chickens to patch the hole that the grinning little weasel was using to get into the hen house whenever he wanted. I can't even confront him in my own dreams...I am not sure if that is very noble.

His business partners always envied him having such an understanding gf/wife. Theirs always demanded time and would argue over the need for longer work hours. Big mistake on my part. Good job to their wives, they are all still together. If I had been more demanding, the A would have stopped earlier or I would have known about it sooner.

I disagree with this as much as you may disgree with me taking the high road

WW demanded a lot of my time and was the one who cheated. And I certainly demanded her to go NC with the AP and that got me no where except making her more resentful and difficult to live with. You demanding your husband may not have changed anything. He may also have gotten better at hiding it like my WW.

I never really liked the idea of demanding and controlling your spouse. The idea is exhausting to me...from both perspectives. Even before I started living it with WW, who wants to live their life where they need to rope in their spouse all the time? I hate that she put me in that position that I never wanted. And on the flip side, I know if I was running a business which by definition requires long hours, I wouldn't appreciate a demanding and nagging spouse. It's a recipe to cause resentment and volatility down the road.

The reason why WW was able to hide her renewed PA in 2019 was because she was visiting her family a lot on the weekends (at least that's what I thought, in reality she wasn't seeing them that often). I wasn't keen on seeing her mother after some stunts she pulled, but I didn't want to be the reason WW didn't see her family. I even encouraged it at times. There were so many lies to make me believe she was with her mother and brother. Or many times it was half truths, she saw them but saw the AP on the way.

We both got taken advantage of. But I do not think being more demanding and controlling is the answer.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 10:04 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

hopefullife posted 2/22/2020 10:29 AM

We both got taken advantage of. But I do not think being more demanding and controlling is the answer

I know, I know. But I sometimes can't help but think it's the nice ones that get cheated on. I'm not that nice but maybe because we don't demand, aren't threatening, that others feel so free to abuse us. That's something wrong about them, but it helps to not allow it to happen.

I know we just had some really bad luck. Life is unfair. To look at the bright side, I am no longer tolerant of abuse (in general, not just relationships) in any way, shape or form.

[This message edited by hopefullife at 10:29 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

ShatteredSakura posted 2/22/2020 13:04 PM

I'm not that nice

Nonsense.

He was lucky to have someone who gave him independence and supported him. You wanted a life partner, a companion, not a servant. He squandered that. Many of your posts have reflected that you are in fact a nice person.

And if you say that you're no longer nice...there are times I think this myself, and I try and take stock of my interactions with WW. A lot of the "not nice" behavior from me is because of what she was doing and how she wouldn't stop. The only way things would have played out differently is if I stopped being a doormat and left after the first dday.

Trying to remain nice was ignored by her and put strain on me. Being nice, but not being a doormat is basically indifference or going grey rock, right? The lesson I know I need to learn is that - I was easily influenced when she voiced I wasn't being nice to her, usually that meant she wasn't getting her way. WW was lucky all that I did for her. She got wrapped up in what I wasn't doing for her instead. If you or I can be accused of not being nice during all of this, that's on them too IMO.

I guess the trick though is to get back to our old selves, but still have new boundaries and low tolerances for abuse. I don't want to become a bitter mean old man because of this. I refuse to. I would much prefer to make people laugh and be kind. Maybe the more I do that over time, I'll make it back.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 9:35 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

hopefullife posted 2/23/2020 09:50 AM

Thanks Shattered. I do miss the old life where I choose the right things first then address negative emotions later. Now I've got a self preservation steelplate armor and I defend myself with a bs detecting ebony bow. Sounds good for surviving, but heavy to carry.


ShatteredSakura posted 2/23/2020 10:14 AM

I recently purchased some leg and arm weights to wear while I move around the house everyday to compliment my other exercises. I'm hoping it will help with the weight of my own armor

Fus Ro Dah

hopefullife posted 2/23/2020 10:43 AM

I realize that's so applicable. Could be my new mantra :D could use such unrelenting force in this life

ShatteredSakura posted 2/23/2020 11:29 AM

I read "ebony bow" and went hmmmmm, so references were in order

hopefullife posted 2/23/2020 18:07 PM

References everyone will understand, but those who know will get XD

You know what's sad. I can't play it anymore, at least for now. I associate the game so much with him.

It's like watching movies and series. I somehow lost the will since it's one of the things our shared pastimes are made of. I'm slowly getting it back starting with shows I know we wouldn't have chosen to watch together. I just recently sat down with the entire second season of YOU. How fitting.

Little things that run deep. Small wins.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/23/2020 18:29 PM

:/

WW was never big into video games. I tried to involve her so much but she'd lose interest. She preferred board games, so we did a lot of that. Right before she left, I was getting her into Tabletop Simulator so we could play some board games with friends virtually.

The thing I did get her into was my love for movies, especially old ones.

Thankfully I don't think much of any of that is tainted by association, other than the usual feeling of not wanting to watch love stories. Although I'm sure I may have some flashbacks if I introduce any other SO to certain movies; I did a lot of that.

(BTW if no one gets the reference, it's Skyrim). Technically with how many versions they've released, you can always get one that isn't tainted by him . Oh Todd Howard.

AbandonedGuy posted 2/23/2020 18:31 PM

My ex and I played board games every now and then. She was a sore loser. Any time I won, I wouldn't even crack a smile at my victory and she's jump right into histrionics.

Funny thing, while I was picking apart our assets and taking what I could get, one of the two things we shared that she requested was the lot of board games we had. I guess because she had a suitor waiting in the wings to play with.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/23/2020 18:36 PM

It helped other friends owned the bulk of the board games.

WW was a little bit of a sore loser but not like that. She just liked to win, and she didn't like games that were open ended or didn't have clear goals (a reason why she didn't get into video games).

She's a slow, methodical player who tends to win a lot and doesn't have a lot of eye hand coordination, so that rules out most video games. Playing civilization with her was a challenge. It was still fun at least.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 6:38 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

hopefullife posted 2/24/2020 08:37 AM

We've never done board games together so that's an association I'll never have.

We have 'similar but not the same' things. He preferred shooter/sports games while I preferred rpg where I get to explore but don't get to play with other people (i'm that type of introvert). He has never played Skyrim and my association comes from the countless hours I chose that game while he worked, and afterwards he'd play his while I laughed away in 9gag lol. Doing our own things, together. Ah, the little things.

Singlehood has its perks sure. For one, I can now eat whatever I want without worrying about somebody else's allergy. But damn sucks that I don't have the appetite. Ha, like having useless superpowers. Anyway, I'm trying to focus on things I can now enjoy that I wasn't able to while together.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/24/2020 09:04 AM

Well there are MMORPGs. I haven't played one in a long time though (used to play Star Wars Galaxies and Lord of the Rings Online, the latter only briefly).

I wish this whole ordeal killed my appetite. I envy those who are like that. Enjoying food together was not an issue for us

I wish I could enjoy the things I want to do though. I do sometimes, but often I just can't focus or enjoy myself. It feels like the times when I knew she was out at some event and I can't get into something because I'm worried about the AP or I'll get the call where I have to go out and get her. I feel like I'm waiting for something. Or the anxiety of not having her around anymore to talk and share.

Doing our own things, together

That would have been nice. I'm content with that, WW was not. One of the non-infidelity things that caused friction. Part of it was she didn't know what to do with herself.

It's contentment having your family around you but everyone is doing their own little thing IMO.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 9:06 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

hopefullife posted 2/24/2020 10:02 AM

MMORPGs not my cup of tea. I'd take single player any day.

If I knew infidelity would fast track me to my goal weight I'd have asked him to spill the beans much earlier I wish it was for a different reason, but I'd take this as consolation. I used to be a huge stress eater so I'm taking advantage.

Or the anxiety of not having her around anymore to talk and share.

It takes a while getting unused to the things we got used to for years.

[This message edited by hopefullife at 10:03 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

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