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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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ShatteredSakura posted 4/14/2020 17:34 PM

I'm sorry lovelorn, what abusive wayward behavior.

He can't have it both ways, you have to make the choice for him, as hard as it is. My exWW was like that near the end. He will probably end up leaving anyways when you get to wit's end and can't take it anymore (and be blamed you're too negative so that's why he's leaving!).

It is total abuse doing what he is doing.

lovelorn posted 4/15/2020 07:55 AM

Not only is it abusive but it feels a little like I am going crazy. He is in the house acting nice like we are roommates or something. Then he leaves to go see the AP. Like that is ok. just totally normal. Right....

Every time I make a move towards separation he ups the ante. I asked him to call so I could get my cell phone off our family plan and he asked about who was going to get the house.

I decided today I am going to not think about him or his needs or what he thinks about anything I do. I am going to do what I need, when I need to.

As someone else said on here, just cut him out like a cancer.


AbandonedGuy posted 4/15/2020 12:52 PM

I ran into my ex at the park two days after DDay, during her period of "thinking about things". She adopted this UNSETTLING friendly demeanor, as if we were old chums who happened to run into each other after years of absence from each other's lives. All fake smiles. Bubbly even. Honestly, thinking about this encounter is a bit aggravating, mostly because it underscores just how much she was A) getting off on getting off to her (disgusting, schlubby) AP at the time, B) engaging in stalling tactics to get legal ducks in a row, and C) so overly confident that she had me wrapped around her finger and was going to skate by without me taking her to the cleaners. (But remembering her deflation when just days later I told her I was done and ready to go to the mattresses and now her plans for item C were foiled balances it out with some joy.)

Anyway, these people don't care about your feelings. They simply want to keep eating loads and loads of cake while keeping you complacent enough to sit on the sidelines and not fuck it up. Don't let them do this. FIGHT! You've gotta stand up for yourself and start laying down the law. The relationship's done, because of them. It's time to start treating them like the enemy combatant that they are.

LostandFound75 posted 4/18/2020 08:27 AM

Lovelorn, that person in your life now is a robot. They don't care about you, they don't feel anything for you, there is no love, caring , or understanding that is real in anyway.
They're gone and aren't coming back...in fact they have probably been gone for a long time.
I know it's shocking...we all have shocking stories. For me, we were looking to buy another house...just came back from a vacation in Europe...we were looking at adopting another dog....even discussed adopting another child.

They can no longer feel empathy, if they ever did at all. They can fake it, in fact they can fake just about anything to have you hold on to the dream....which is them.

You will be here in several years explaining this to another person hoping they'll listen so they can start the healing process that usually takes 3-5 years.

I suggest upping the ante on him, by serving him divorce papers immediately. Don't ever tip your hand...just do it....the hardest and saddest thing you'll ever do, but he thinks you are a joke, has no respect for you, and the harder you try to convince him to come back or be the person (you thought) he was before...the less respect he has for you. I know, it's messed up....it's backwards, as is his understanding of love.
He is gone, never to return. He died...I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry that the more you try and love him, the more he despises you.

Look up narcissistic discard...fits most of these people and explains how truly broken they are.
They are abusive, but don't leave physical bruises. They make you feel worthless, crazy, and blame you for feeling that way.

Goodluck, stay strong, and know that the robot you live with is just that, a robot programmed to destroy you on his way out of your life.....fight, don't let him take away the lifetime of love you have for yourself....fight, but silently.

[This message edited by LostandFound75 at 10:08 AM, April 18th (Saturday)]

LostandFound75 posted 5/1/2020 22:55 PM

Did I break the thread??

JJ777 posted 5/2/2020 10:20 AM

No - Lost and Found 75
As a newbie reading around I found your post a succinct but spot on summary of how our detached waywards behave around us--- whether they are leaving for the other person or still in limerance/ love with them/ the affair high.
It kind of left me a bit speechless but in a good way.
Does anyone else agree?

lovelorn posted 5/7/2020 04:38 AM

Lostandfound- you actually clarified things for me. So thank you.

I hope you are right that I will be able to look back with the clarity that you have now. It is a daily battle for me now emotionally. But I have made progress. Property settlement agreement signed, moving forward to refinance the house in my name. But there are still times (a lot of times which I am ashamed to admit) that I just want him to walk in with flowers and want me back. It is that feeling of being rejected and abandoned out of nowhere that is killing me right now. I know it will not happen. Whenever I have that thought I just remind myself with a mantra that he is gone, he threw you away. Living in the anger is so much easier for me because it gives me motivation and purpose. But I cannot live there all the time and the sadness takes over more than I would like to admit.

Thank you all for your posts and perspectives from the future- which will hopefully be my future where I no longer care about this man who obviously does not care about me.

AbandonedGuy posted 5/7/2020 12:15 PM

Feelings of missing these people is natural. They were such a big part of our lives that it feels unnatural to cut ties with them and re-identify them as something entirely different. I'm a few months away from the two year anniversary of DDay (how time flies) and maybe once a month, a fond memory will pop into my head, or some kind of feeling of "what would she and I be doing right now". For a split second I actually feel something toward her again, something other than complete indifference.

Then I quench that with a vivid memory of something heinous she did during her affair or around DDay, and that feeling goes away.

BentandBroken posted 5/12/2020 12:45 PM

I am in this club too. My first time posting on this thread.

6 months out from Dday, financial agreement in place, fully NC. xWH had at least 3 APs I know of within the past 10 years. Two were short term (less than 3 months) and each time with a married woman. Discovered all at once. xWH left on Dday for COW (AP #3) who is married and sneaking around on her spouse. Last I knew xWH spends most days and every night alone. Their place of business is closed due to quarantine. And he continues to choose this situation over me and our 23 year history.

I have taken the advice offered on this forum: 180, NC, gray rock, IC, contact OBS, exercise, yoga, talk with friends and family, avoiding pain shopping...all that. Still, I am struggling to fall out of love with him. Not the real him, of course. The "him" I thought I knew. The one that would never, ever, ever do anything like this. The one that doesn't exist. Intellectually I know I deserve someone who...

...cherishes the precious "us"
...contributes willingly to the relationship through good times and bad
...values us enough to fight for us
...recognizes his own vulnerabilities and acts to protect the marriage
...is honest, trustworthy and loyal

I am so tired of waiting for my heart to catch up with my brain! I am so tired of longing for him to come back. The thought of wishing time away does not sit well with me, but I am so ready to be past all this and it takes...time.

hopefullife posted 5/14/2020 23:58 PM

LostandFound, I like your name even if I don't know the meaning why you chose it. To me, it kinda says losing everything from infidelity, but eventually found it all again.

I agree with you that they have been gone a long time, before we even discovered it. The person we once knew were slowly deterioratin, or showing what they've been hiding all along, and it's just tough for us who've been true to admit it.


lovelorn, being abandoned, so easily even more, is such a cruel act. We know. But progress, no matter how small, is key. Just keep moving


BentandBroken, i am sorry you are here. 23 years of history, i can't imagine. How these people change is depressing to those of us on the other fence. We all deserve the someone with the traits you mentioned, maybe we'd find them eventually, maybe not. But all I know is it's not exes, and we're better off without them.


I've been doing well. Can even say better. But of course I still get overwhelmingly depressed at times, but I've come to accept it's part of the process. I hope everybody is staying safe and healthy.

Moonpenny posted 5/20/2020 17:32 PM

A year ago I was left for the OP after a period of limbo. As we had a young family there was still coparent contact but the person that I knew seemed so distant. I read and posted a little on here and focused on being a mum, trying to heal myself and acting with dignity. I didnít want to be the one to take steps to end the marriage (I felt I was agreeing with his behaviour and justifying his affair somehow in doing this or giving the OP what she wanted) but with their relationship lasting well over a year (though at a seemingly slow pace) I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that our marriage was over and the person I knew was gone.
Recently WH told me that he had split with his OP because he didnít feel ready to officially end our marriage. At the same time though he isnít saying that he wants to reconcile he has only asked for us to build up our friendship again (another attempt at cake eating?)
Whilst overall I feel that this is a positive thing if the OP ends up out of our lives, i continue to feel grief.
I find myself feeling envious of other couples and families and I feel a great sense of injustice- whilst I have been alone and struggling for all of this time he has been feeling loved and happy with someone else.
I feel deep sadness about his choices. Even if we could get to a stage of reconciliation the fact that he has loved someone else and chosen them for so long makes me Feel that Iíd now be a consolation prize. The hurt that he caused to me yet still choosing the OP and the things that he wrote to her that I read on DDay that made their romance seem so amazing compared to him struggling to even compliment me. Could I ever feel truly loved or wanted by him again?
I think of our wedding day and feel so sad that my marriage ended up this way. I feel that i was giving everything to the relationship and our family yet I still wasnít enough. I feel like now this has happened to me I wonít ever see anything as forever anymore. I feel alone. I wish for the days back when I was lucky enough not to know this feeling, back when I was the person who he was attracted to and mad about.
Can anyone relate to these feelings? Reconciled/ reconciling couples who felt this way.. did these types of feelings get worse or better during reconciliation? People who have remained separated/ divorced how did you move forwards from these feelings?
Thankyou for reading, any advice or words of experience would be greatly appreciated.

BentandBroken posted 5/26/2020 21:53 PM


I wish for the days back when I was lucky enough not to know this feeling, back when I was the person who he was attracted to and mad about.
Can anyone relate to these feelings?

Yes. A thousand times yes. To get past it I have to constantly remind myself - that guy doesn't exist any more. He's long gone. In his place is someone who looks like my lost love, but is instead a lying, cheating, betrayer of trust and a completely unsafe and unsuitable partner.

puffstuff posted 6/6/2020 10:37 AM

A year on almost to day. She's still with him, and the divorce is almost done.

Still have daily twangs of pain. Still have the odd nightmare, or disturbed sleep.

The pain we go through is horrendous. I still get triggered now and then.

No contact saved my ass. Honestly, would have got nowhere at all if I was still maintaining any sort of contact other than kid drop off.

I have started dating and it has been a wonderful fun experience. No rush for the next big relationship but have savoured every moment of having a nice flirt. Met some great people.

Processing is the key word. I spent 10 months or so mulling over what happened to me, going through it, feeling the pain. Slowly perspective comes and insight into my/her behaviour. Things slowly get clearer.

Remember folks, they don't truly give a shit about us. that message is key.

puffstuff posted 6/6/2020 10:38 AM

A year on almost to day. She's still with him, and the divorce is almost done.

Still have daily twangs of pain. Still have the odd nightmare, or disturbed sleep.

The pain we go through is horrendous. I still get triggered now and then.

No contact saved my ass. Honestly, would have got nowhere at all if I was still maintaining any sort of contact other than kid drop off.

I have started dating and it has been a wonderful fun experience. No rush for the next big relationship but have savoured every moment of having a nice flirt. Met some great people.

Processing is the key word. I spent 10 months or so mulling over what happened to me, going through it, feeling the pain. Slowly perspective comes and insight into my/her behaviour. Things slowly get clearer.

Remember folks, they don't truly give a shit about us. that message is key.

AbandonedGuy posted 6/9/2020 00:48 AM

Taking time off from being somebody's answer to loneliness is key. It also spares people from having to deal with your own bullshit during emotional rehab.

Almost two years for me and I feel like the whole terrifying experience put hair on my chest. Trust is still a problem, but that's mostly because I catch so many people being full of shit. I'm too "woke" to superficiality and duplicity. Hey, I'd rather this than returning to naivete.

Time really is the best elixir for dealing with infidelity. Throw as much IC, exercise, hobbies or whatever at the problem as you want, but time is the real hero.

suckstobeme posted 6/11/2020 20:29 PM

Moonpenney - Iím divorced for almost 10 years after my ex left us for his secretary. They are still together, married now, and itís been a long time. Iíve unfortunately had to deal with him over the years because we had small children when he left.

You asked how people who have been divorced move forward from the feelings of loss and sadness. The answer is that you leave a lot of it behind, but, like a physical scar on your body, the remnants of the trauma - no matter how much they fade over time - never really disappear. Itís something that changes you forever. At least thatís what happened to me. I donít feel the same about marriage or love anymore. Iím happy for those who have it, but donít know that it will ever be for me again. Like all of us, Iíve seen the very darkest side of people and Iíve seen how cruel people can be. Before all of this, I never really knew how much infidelity and divorce hurt. Itís one of those things that you feel bad about when you hear that it happened to someone else, but you never really know until it happens to you. Moving forward after this means seeing a little bit more. I try not to be bitter, I donít think I am. Iím just more realistic and more cautious of people. I can say that, with all the bad, thereís been a lot of good too. Iíve grown very strong and independent, much more than I was when I was married. I donít always like it, but I can take care of us by myself. I make my own decisions and get to be in charge of my life. The sadness sometimes creeps back in, but it has faded a lot over the years. While Iím not happy to be older, Iím glad that Iím wiser. Iím sorry that youíre here and having to put up with this from him. I would caution that you take this time to truly see your wh. He left his wife and kids and played house with someone else for a year. He threw a bomb on his family and emotionally demolished his wife and now he wants to build a friendship? . Ask yourself - is this the kind of person that you want to invite back into your life? I know itís sad and uournwish is that the man you thought you married would just come back. Itís time to see him for who he is rather than who you wish he was.

hopefullife posted 7/4/2020 08:35 AM

suckstobeme, a lot of what you said really resonated with me.

Moonpenny, we know the feeling. Time is our friend.

It's been a year since Dday1. I can't believe how much my life has changed since then. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, but the days are better. Life is moving on. I don't suppose the trauma will go away completely, but I'm hopeful it creeps less and less as the years go by.

ShatteredSakura posted 7/7/2020 16:00 PM

I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, but the days are better. Life is moving on. I don't suppose the trauma will go away completely, but I'm hopeful it creeps less and less as the years go by.

Big hugs to everyone on this thread. We all could use a fluffy bear hug.

Muggle posted 7/9/2020 12:05 PM

I never knew about this thread until it was mentioned in the Divorce and Separation thread.

I've been here for almost 2.5 years, and I still struggle with having one foot in the past and one in the present.

We were together 23 years unmarried, with 3 young adult kids, a house and a business. He had an affair with a woman younger than our grown children. I had 2 kids when we met, he had one, which are all grown. We then had 3 together.

I found out about that particular woman on Christmas day, followed by a second separate one on my birthday 6 weeks later.

The same lips that he told me he still loved me with, and wanted to reconcile were the same lips that he kissed her with. I found out about her on my birthday and ended our relationship. He flew to Vegas with her and married her 8 days later. They only knew each other 14 days. I found out by a misplaced phone call from Vegas asking me about my "marriage" ceremony.

I can say I felt I was the closest to death I've ever been, and it was a dark time for me. I wasn't a risk to harm myself, but the pain was so deep I felt as though I could die. To say I was devastated was a gross understatement. I couldn't wrap my head around being so disposable, the abandonment, and the fact it was inconceivable that he could discard me without a care. I doubted my existence, my value, and my life seemed to entirely be a lie. They traveled, and had fun while I held everything else together.

I struggled with this, as well as being left with two young adult children that have profound depression and one with significant medical issues. I had no career having given up work 18 years prior to raise children and help with his business. I was 55 at the time, with no real social security built up, with no job and no ability to work and take care of the mental health needs of our kids simultaneously. We live in a rural area 14 miles from town, and our daughter had an alternative school with no bus. Our son never graduated high school. Their father helped with nothing and was dining, traveling, enjoying life with his new wife. He took zero responsibility, and lived 2 hours away.

I couldn't fall apart, but I barely existed. I was a shell of a human being, going through the motions of life, barely sleeping, constantly haunted by feeling as though I never mattered. I cried thousands of tears, raged inside, and was filled with bitterness toward them.

This was my life for sometime, until the days turned into months, and the months turned into years. I got better at realizing this was not in my control. I survived. I came to a place where I decided I needed to forgive him in order to not dwell in bitterness forever. This happened when we finished our divorce settlement. He then tried to sue me after our settlement for millions of dollars. He lost, but that took a tole on me again. He has been filled with anger toward me, lashes out, and his life is in chaos. He is still with her.

I had rough moments. The mention of her in certain circumstances still brings an emotional trigger for some things. I struggled the most with all the things he did for her that he never did for me, the traveling, and the loss of the "illusion" I had of him. He was exactly what he showed me he was. He's not different for her, he just got better at masking it.

In time out of necessity she and I began to communicate by email. He has payments he is obligated to make to me for another 2.5 years. She was the lesser of two evils, as the divorce settlement and the lawsuit were very contentious. I originally refused to ever communicate with her, but over time it became the path of least resistance.

I've never spoken to her on the phone, but she has described a life with him that is less than pleasant. He does the same things to her that he did to me, with some small exceptions. She's a type A personality, married 5+ times. He's a type A personality, and a narcissist. She is exasperated with his behaviors, but now she's tied to him financially. I can tell it's not a fairy tale come true.

He will never admit he's not happy, and I suspect she will not leave unless it financially benefits her. She is now his CFO in his business, and controls nearly everything.

He calls me to randomly "talk" and half the time he's distant, the other times he drifts to conversations he really didn't need to call about, and I think he's lonely. He has taken several walks down memory lane, talking about his regrets, but is careful how he phrases things. Always finds a way to leave me feeling as though he just told me again that I wasn't enough, I'm defective in some way, but he misses all the opportunities he didn't take with me.

Very odd dynamic, but I don't subscribe to his dialog anymore. I won't have any contact with him when his financial obligations to me end. I'm forced to deal with him until then. He never pays on time, but not late enough that I can take him to court.

He's opted out of his kids life for the most part. I call him a "Hallmark" dad. He sends cards on Christmas and their birthdays, but other than an occasional phone call he's not really present in their lives. His adult biological daughter has completely cut him off and won't speak to him. He stopped having any communication with my daughter that he knew for almost her entire life. Zero, he cut her off as though she never existed.

He has since moved across the US to live with his wife. She had some custody issues with her son, and was forced to return to where he lives to keep joint custody. For the first 2 years of their relationship they lived on opposite ends of the US, and commuted once a month to see each other. Now he's thousands of miles from his kids and still has about 3 years before they can move. He hates it there, he's said as much in phone calls, and that resentment will fester over time.

Life will work out fine. It's all about adjusting your view on it. I'm lonely but happy. I'm not healed but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. SI has been instrumental in bridging the gap. I see myself in other's posts, and see hope in ones further along than I am. I've decided its now "me" time. I can either let this define me or use it as an opportunity to live life my way. I might now have all the money in the world, but I can be as happy as I want, doing what I want, and the chapters in my life are now mine to write. I plan to make them good ones, whether I'm single or eventually with someone I deserve.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/13/2020 13:47 PM

Moonpenny- do not allow him to make you his plan B. You can R, but make sure you give him conditions that will make you happy. He shouldn't be able to just walk back into your life and tell you to work on yourself. It should be a requirement that he works on himself, until then, no R.

He threw you away, and is only coming back b/c his other women didn't work out. You deserve better. As hard as it is, you will be better off if you set the right boundaries and have you ex do the work. if not, you may find yourself here again in 5 yrs b/c he strayed again.

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