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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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Luckycline posted 7/19/2020 14:44 PM

I think the biggest thing that I struggle with is that she was just suddenly gone. One day she's running my back and kissing my head goodbye, the next she's left and won't talk to me. Only explanation was basically I don't know if I love you anymore. Then after DDay told me to never contact her again. After knowing her since I was 12, being married for seven years. She's just gone and I haven't even gotten a "hope you're doing ok" message. It's like I never existed to her. It's a whole extra layer of shit over the pain of her infidelity with multiple guys. I still hope she's doing well and worry about her, but it seems I could die tomorrow and she wouldn't care in the least.

suckstobeme posted 7/25/2020 00:01 AM

Lucky - youíre not alone. Itís almost impossible to grasp, especially in the beginning, that this person who was your most trusted friend and confidante all of a sudden turns into the enemy in your camp. I donít know how they just seem to erase us. My ex admitted to me one time that he purposely forgot all of our memories and everything about our life together so that he doesnít have to remember who I really am. He doesnít allow himself to think about my smile or my laugh or any fun times together because then he will have to face how much he hurt me. He also seems to somewhat erase our kids from his life. Weíve been grappling with this pandemic for months now and he never bothered to zoom with them or send regular texts to see how they were handling virtual school and not seeing friends, etc. He just went about his own business and sort of forgot that they were over here. How people do that to their own flesh and blood is an even bigger mystery.

Although it doesnít seem like it now, one day you will be happy that your ex didnít send a ďhope youíre wellĒ text. That kind of communication only keeps you off kilter and sad and wondering whether there are any feelings left. You donít need that. You donít need her and her empty words.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 12:09 AM, July 25th (Saturday)]

susielee posted 7/26/2020 16:56 PM

I am so sorry for all the hearache indured.

My ex initially told me he was "in love" and he wanted a divorce because he and this "girl" wanted to marry. Wouldn't tell me who the "girl" was until about three weeks later. I use the itallics because when I found out who it was, she hadn't seen "girl" in many many moons. She was the town whore, overweight, and looked like she had been rode hard and put up wet.

Anyway, he moved out; but wanted me to keep it quiet, because he needed space to get his head on straight. He thought we could work it out, but needed space. I kept it quiet for three weeks. Then I gave up and called my family.

I then called him and told him since he wanted the divorce he needed to file. He said I don't want to hurt you, you can file. I said nope your decision you file. So he did.

Then about a month after our legal seperation he called and wanted to try again, so I let him come home. Huge mistake. He was awful to me, and by the ened of the week I kicked him out.

Our divorce took a year, and he tried three times that I remember to try again, I never would after the first attempt.

He married her two months after he had called me to ask for another chance. So weird. Though I was really happy they married. I thought for sure he was going to just be single, and I wanted him to marry her and live out his fantasy.

Together they ran up two hundred thousand dollars worth of gambling debts and had to file bankruptcy. Then they caused my son and his wife all sort of hurt and blew up that relationship. So sounds like they are living the dream.

Lots more but that is the gist of it.

One thing I have noticed in a lot of these cases is that the WS (usually the men) always wants space to figure out who they want, yet they always share that space with the AP, and stay away from the wife. They rarely stay with the wife and stay away from the AP. Sometimes they stay with the wife but still screw the AP, but never stay with the AP and still go back to be intimate with the wife. You would think if they really wanted to figure things out the sensible thing to do would be to actually be alone.

Of course that may be because the wife won't tolerate it. I know I wouldn't. I think that was what his trying to come back was. He didn't want the marriage back, he just wanted to destabilize me for his own advantage. But, no thanks.

Idiotmcstupid posted 7/26/2020 23:32 PM

Welp, I belong here now. My story is that my first dday was July 2017, found multiple (4) APs 2 weeks later. Stbxw wanted to reconcile, and I agreed to try. She lovebombed and I fell for it, and stayed married for 4 more years(most of which were bad) until I discovered another ap, and then a few more ones.
So one of the differences here is that I was ready for divorce at that moment.
But yes, stbxw is still with AP. And that's not gonna change. She has become a brutal, uncaring, harpish shrew who lives to push my buttons. Ive taken to blocking her(temporarily, I share a 7yo DD with her so cannot, tho I desperately wish I could, go full nc). I continued to be mystified and bewildered by her actions until I recently read about covert narcissism. Now every weird and unfathomable story in 13 years of being together makes perfect, crystal clear sense. It doesn't save me from the memories of the pain, but it does save me from future pain ruminating and being in pointless contact with her. I'd always operated on the concept that she was at least free of personality disorders, knowing this frees me to react in an informed manner and it's working great.

AbandonedGuy posted 7/27/2020 10:59 AM

One thing I have noticed in a lot of these cases is that the WS (usually the men) always wants space to figure out who they want, yet they always share that space with the AP, and stay away from the wife.

Susielee, the women do that too. This is exactly what my ex-wife did, twice.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/27/2020 12:25 PM

Or they just bring the AP into your bed and replace you

For those that waffle back and forth, yes, I think they typically stay with the AP while they're "figuring it out" because they've already made the decision but they're too much of a coward to actually say it. Cheating is a coward's way out no matter what.

In my XH's case, I think he was doing the waffling while we were still together, unbeknownst to me. I didn't know there was another woman, so to me it just felt like extreme mood swings. But he's also a generally moody person who likely has BPD, so even though the swings were extreme, I hate to say, I was kind of used to it. Went from buying me a Best Wife Ever t-shirt to screaming at me about how I didn't care about him in a matter of hours. Kept talking about "pressure" like it was this mystical, nebulous force making him act like this.

I think ultimately keeping up with the lies was killing him. Every day there was some new inconsistency that I would point out. He would say he was going to one place, then later slip and say he went somewhere else. Lots of "I'll be home at ____" then when I call because he hasn't shown up, I would get "I never said that!"

And yes, Lucky, the sudden abandonment is the biggest mindfuck of this whole experience. I was the one who left (my step daughters still live there, and I knew if I stayed he would have forced them to stay at the AP's house), so I never even got to sleep in my own bed again. Not that I would have wanted to after catching them together in it. It was just so surreal. Just like that, my husband was no longer my husband and my home was no longer my home. We had lived there for 5 years. The longest I had ever been in one place since I graduated high school and left my parents' house. I was reeling for months, staying in my parents' guest bedroom and barely getting out of bed.

Susie, wow, that amount of debt is insane. Mine is shacked up with his AP and they're doing meth together, on the verge of being evicted from his apartment because of numerous noise violations. So clearly his life is going well. My eldest step daughter came to me crying because she found a pipe "hidden" amongst towels in the bathroom over July 4th weekend. Sadly, she still thinks there is some perfect combination of words she can say to get him to shape up and stop being such a piece of shit.

Idiot mcstupid, yes, covert narcissism research was eye opening for me too. Kind of like the curtain being drawn back on the Wizard of Oz, huh? I just couldn't wrap my head around my XH being a true narcissist, because he was far too down on himself too often. I work in entertainment, I know what narcissists look like. He just didn't quite fit that bill. Too much self doubt, and the rapid mood swings that I couldn't make sense of. Discovering BPD (borderline personality disorder) was the big aha moment. Everything about our entire relationship suddenly fell into place and made sense. BPD shares a lot of similarities with narcissism, but there are a couple of other things that distinguish it. Tricky part is, a lot of people can have comorbid BPD and NPD - apparently this combo is more common in men.

I highly suggest the YouTube channel by Dr. Ramani. She has quick, easy digestable videos on all different characteristics of narcissists. Even if you're not with the narcissist anymore, it is validating to hear that this is "normal," and that you weren't just imagining your experience.

AbandonedGuy posted 7/27/2020 21:38 PM

Dr. Ramani is good. I also recommend Surviving Narcissism. All very good info that will help you cope with what just happened, which is indeed a total mindfuck. No wonder people speak of children growing up with "abandonment issues". This happened to me as a mid 30s adult and it still had a deep effect.

Cooley2here posted 8/17/2020 23:20 PM

So many of you describe sociopathic behaviors. Unless seen by an expert itís useless to diagnose here, (I am not an expert) but people who canít love are not complete humans. Actually elephants, dogs etc. all have the ability to love so your exs are even less than that. I watched an expert explain the difference between a psychopath and a narcissist. One is born, one is made but they are never good companions.
Never worry about their ďwhyĒ. They donít care. You are useful to them until you arenít. Itís that simple.

Idiotmcstupid posted 8/18/2020 01:38 AM

Yes. I struggle with having given 13 years of my life and half of a child to a person who "is not a whole person" but in the end that is the reality and I must accept it.
A shit sandwich indeed. I'd actually quantify it as a 5 course shit dinner but let's not quibble.

WasSheWorthIt posted 8/22/2020 10:33 AM

Hi all.
I've not been on here for a while. I had to step back to help me heal.
So it's 2 years since numbnuts let for his new toy. Things have improved for me emotionally thank god. Any bad days are not about him anymore but the scars he left me with.
I was a part-time worker at the time he left but I'm working full time now. It's helped a lot that I work with people who don't know my story.
My kids all young adults now seem to be doing fine and are very much at "meh" where he's concerned. Three of them still live at home. Sometimes they see him most times they don't. They never talk about him which is sad for them but it is what it is.
Numbnuts is trying to have a relationship
with them but it's very much on their terms. None of them have met the skank and have no intentions of ever doing so. Numbnuts thought they would be happy for him once they got used to the situation and skank was so willing to love them like her own. Nope..
I caught a glimpse of him very briefly a couple of weeks ago. That's the first I've seen him in nearly 18 months. He looks like a skeleton, he's lost so much weight and has aged about 10 years. As bad as this sounds, it made me feel good. Maybe he's not living his best life after all. I know I shouldn't care but I'm human and I'm glad he looks like shit.


Bookgirl posted 8/22/2020 18:28 PM

Wassheworthit 💪🏻♥️👏👏👏👏

[This message edited by Bookgirl at 6:30 PM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

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