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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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Cephastion posted 12/10/2018 05:15 AM

The one advantage of having your spouse leave for the OP is that WS gets to find out what life with the OP is really like.
They also don't pine for the OP for years, often without our knowing of their dormant love and hidden contempt for us.

So we try to fix our marriages, as I did with love and care, but it's the wrong tool for the job.

Actually, I think I could cite numerous advantages as well as some obvious disadvantages to this particular bridge blowing effort on their part.

In my own wife's case, she eventually could not continue to see me as the cause for all her unhappiness in her life, but rather herself and her own issues largely instead.

If she and I had simply continued as we were for the next 25 years with her believing that I was her nemesis instead of herself and those filthy man whore pigs she had such a consistent taste for... Then I can certainly say it would have been a much more miserable and horrific marriage or an altogether untenable, unlivable one as opposed to a salvageable and often loving one instead.

That's NOT to say that I somehow buy the line that adultery and abandonment and lies are what "saved our marriage" but rather just saying that since she blamed me for much of the "engine noise" and everything else that was wrong with the thing, it helped her see how wrong she was about what needed fixing once she threw me under the bus at high speed and kept on driving.

Pulling the eject lever on my seat and flying by the seat of her pants and genitals and screwed up head and 💓 for an instrument panel along with some similarly "qualified" Co pilots of her choosing did NOT take all of the turbulence out of the equation or really get her to where she was intending to go. Although she did get to have a wild ride and have the wind in her hair and a sense of temporary "peace" without me around fussing about who's doing the driving/piloting and all that nonsense fussing about morals, honesty, respect, and fast upcoming telephone poles and the like...

Manta posted 12/15/2018 09:47 AM

Here too. WW having affair since June 2018. AP, WW met AP through work. All lies and BS through the summer.

AP cheated on his EXGF of 18 years to be with my WW.

DDay in August, she didn't want to reconcile, full limerence with this guy. He lives in another country, so they're having a long distance A.

I kicked her out of the house in August after DDay and the fact she wouldn't stop. She hasn't come back, wants a divorce since September, yet has done nothing about it. Haven't seen or spoken to her since September.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 12/16/2018 23:31 PM

Finding myself in a similar situation Manta.

First phone calls to OW began September 3rd, but likely on apps and iMessage before that. DDay November 3rd - found them in our bed together when I came home from a hotel the day after he texted that he wanted a divorce. I immediately moved out. He immediately started having the OW spend the night at our house every night (confirmed by my step daughters). Now stuck living with my parents because my credit is tanked from helping him buy new tires, windshield etc. All of the other info on the phone call history etc came out after I began sleuthing after DDay. Have since found out that he’s using meth too. Still confused how I’m the one being left by the narcissist meth head! However he has not filed for divorce. Judging by how it went with his ex wife, he’ll never do it, I’ll have to pull the trigger eventually.

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 11:32 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 12/17/2018 02:58 AM

Its a testament to how much this act fucks up up that I am still reeling deep down from being so coldly, abruptly, and decisively abandoned by the woman I would have died for and who I thought was in live with me and had my back in every way...even though my lifes better without her in almost every way and I rediscovered my ambition. I shouldnt care that she left for some older guy who is not a looker or some hot shit. I should think, "Have fun with your shitty trade, sweety." I should be happy that I keep lucking out where I need to, that I keep growing and improving my personality even at 34. I do in fact feel blessed to have the people in my life who are there for me.

But Ill be damned if it still doesnt eat me up inside that she did what she did. Its unbelievable to me that someone could treat someone they loved so poorly. Its not like I was abusive or combative or anything. She got turned off of me over time, fucked around, and now she feels okay to treat me like shit because I ruined her secret little fun. What a fucking bitch. Im so glad she didnt waste my time sticking around, because I was so primed to give it another go--and Im sure shed still be fucking old Grizzly Adams the whole time.

And this probably wasnt even the first time, given the historical evidence. Was she always pure goddamn evil lying in wait to abandon and stonewall if I were to ever reveal her true form? The mind reels. Anyway, I had to vent this morning for somw reason...well I know why. I broke my 2 months of no contact to ask about a legal document and got no response. The GALL to block ME, the victim of her emotional abuse. What a coward she is.

Cephastion posted 12/17/2018 04:49 AM

AbandonedGuy, The insult of that kind of life and times. It's an act of war in it's own way, I know.

I have my own version of this sort of thing I'm dealing with myself that just echoes all of this from the past with my own wife and marriage...

I think that when a person gets THAT incredibly selfish and narcissistic/egocentric, then they kinda become a virtual black hole of sorts.

Consequently, everything around them gets drawn into a different, altered reality for them and gets crushed or torn apart unless it's simply hardened and dense enough to not be really affected by the pull of all that dark draw of that singularity.

Something malable with any kind of tenderness or love needs to get the hell away from the pull and gravity of that little self absorbed tractor beam and get some distance and perspective for sanity's and self preservation's sake, as you already know and are actively doing.

But it's maddening to touch that awful darkness, even for a moment... If it's anything at all like what it sounds like it is to me. I think you kinda lose a part of yourself everytime you do, and it is without mercy, empathy, remorse, or respect of any kind for the most basic of common graspings of love or just basic give-and-take reciprocation that even infants and animals almost universally recognize and practice at some level or another.

My wife came out of her darkness and egocentric singularity, but not without me pulling the hell away first, and I guess I'd just encourage you to know that I've been there in a way, and that I get it, and that it's possible to achieve what I call "escape velocity" from that darkness.

Hit the throttle for all it's worth, man. It's hard to fight a war or a battle when you're still having a heart attack.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 5:21 AM, December 17th (Monday)]

Movingforward678 posted 1/5/2019 13:11 PM

My partner of 18 years left me and our three kids (11,5, and 4 months) last night. He says he just needs “some space” but is staying with his AP. It’s so sad.

Cephastion posted 1/5/2019 18:00 PM

This happened to me TWICE in three years.

Squirrel away your resources (money, valuables, family albums and pictures and momentos, collect whatever evidence you can including hiring a private investigator if you need hard evidence to help your legal case and plight, and most of all, get some hefty bags filled with his stuff to send to over to her place, or do whatever you possibly can to take back your own dignity and self respect and power to protectively ACT instead of just REACT to what he is doing.

I had to do the last thing on that list both times and both times it worked.

We have 23 years adultery free years behind us since she went all feral-rogue on me and that was back in 1993 and again in 1995.

The main thing that I regret about what I did and did not do was that I waited too damn long foolishly waiting for her to come to her senses when I should have cut that mental cancer of coming under the power of her little inner Hitler to begin with. In FACT, I think the Allies of WWII would say the same thing about their own dealings with the real one in the mid forties of last century.

Btw, the reason i mentioned saving all the family albums and momentos, is that if & when he gets his head out of his and her ass and the fog and funk of all of that clears up, you might want to have those things along as part of the plan A-sanity minded package that is connected with returning back with you (assuming you want him back at some point in the future).

Sex crazed midlife crisis binging nutters often make a go at it of rewriting the relationship and history of everything so that it favors them and the new AP and makes the faithful steady standby look like the absent hateful villain. Those memories and pictures can help you and them have a kind of witness to the past to help counter the foggy wayward's rewritten version of everything past & present that so often occurs.

It's an "illness" with people... And it's even contagious, too. You might want those things along just for your own sake and sanity to help you not believe the lies yourself. "Gaslighting" and rewriting are real issues to reckon with and very often, it's not only just a he-said/she-said thing where others' judgement of this telling the truth is concerned, but can even be hard for you to know who's remembering it straight YOURSELF.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 9:17 AM, January 6th (Sunday)]

WasSheWorthIt posted 1/11/2019 17:31 PM

My husband destroyed me 5 months ago when he told me he didnt love me anymore, had met someone else and loves her. He left that day and moved straight in with her. A couple of weeks later he said he's always loved me and wanted to come home. He dumped the ow. Two weeks later while discussing the terms of him moving back home he changed his mind saying again he doesn't love me and went back to her. As far as i know they are still together.
We've been married for 22 years and have 4 near grown children. I dont see him at all now, he wants us to be friends but thats not going to happen.
I cut contact with him completely.
He rarely contacts the kids which to me is heartbreaking for them and totally totally unforgivable.

My H truely thought that the kids wouldnt mind and would accept what he's done as they would want him to be happy!!. Has anyone else got a WS as delusional as this.?

What about them thinking you would be happy keeping them in your life as a friend.? If you did, how has it worked out?.

Also, do you think they ever think of the family they left behind ? or are we just collateral damage in their entitled selfish minds.

Sadandlonely2019 posted 1/12/2019 13:53 PM

I can relate to all of your posts and have to agree the best thing to do is get out of the toxic relationship. But how...that is the hard part. Especially after 21 years everything is so entangled. I also just want to know why my WS would tell me he doesnt know if he wants to be married and is more interested in his own happiness. So WHY does a WS spouse stay??
Anyone know??
@wassheworthit
I think that in their selfish minds they are so involved in them and whatever their AP tells them to validate their selfishness. In my case my Husbands AP is also married so I have no idea how they can be so selfish to continue leading a double life and have their partners not know.
It's hard to let go.. But I am really trying to get up my courage to do it.
This is not a healthy situation.
Best of luck to you and to all going through this.
I am tired of feeling that stab in the heart when I see my husband every day because I just want to run to him and kiss him. But he won't look at me or touch me. Probably the shame of what he has done but it is so painful now so I just want him out!!!

[This message edited by Sadandlonely2019 at 2:11 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]

WasSheWorthIt posted 1/13/2019 16:20 PM

Hello SAL2019.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's Soul destroying.
I don't think I can help you much about why WS might stay. It could be that he is getting his itinery in order before he takes that step. He could be waiting for OW to leave her H so they can go together. Or maybe he just likes the idea of you keeping house while he goes on " play dates and sleepovers".
If I were you I'd go see a lawyer just to find out what your rights and options are should you decide to end it with him. Protect yourself as much as you can.
I know the idea of being on you own after such a long relationship is scary. I never had the option of choosing but it's not that bad to be honest.
I'd rather be on my own than with a man who could intentionally hurt and damage me emotionally as my H did.
Do you have family and friends who will support you in doing whatever you need to do?. If so talk to them. Wishing you good luck and healing

[This message edited by WasSheWorthIt at 4:26 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

totallydumb posted 1/15/2019 18:12 PM

I did not know about this thread until now!

My story is a little different though.

I was in a common law relationship for almost three years.

We are from Canada, retired, and were "snowbirds" to a vacation property in Arizona.

My X started an affair with someone she knew for 2 months. She refused to stop seeing this person, told me I was crazy because "nothing is going on".

I caught them getting into OUR bed one day, but they did not know that I had seen this.

I made financial, legal and other arrangements, this took 9 long days. I then confronted her, and within minutes was on my way back to Canada. This was Feb 2018.

I went NC. In April, X returned to Canada, contacted me via email and demanded half of all my assets.

In the Canadian province (Alberta) that I reside in, she is not entitled to this as a common law spouse. I told her to kiss my butt and blocked her.

She is now on boyfriend number 3 since the AP.

Hold2win posted 2/20/2019 09:24 AM

I am 31, she’s 27. My story is found here: https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=635815

We were happily married for 5 years, together for 8. As far as I could tell, life was good, and about to get much better—we graduate from nursing school together in May 2019.

Well, at the end of Dec 2018 she began texting and hangout out with her abusive ex-boyfriend. Against my approval. On January 29th she told me she doesn’t love me anymore, that we Never had a spark, and she wants a separation to think things over. She said she would stay at her parents house.

Instead, she moved straight in with her abusive ex-boyfriend. She has been telling people how happy she is, that she’s in love with him, and that he has changed his abusive ways.

She is upset that both her friends and family are not supportive of her descision. Well, I wonder why they aren’t supportive?

It’s only been about 3 weeks now. I have not begged, and gone NC except for necessary business or legal issues. I still have to see her at school.

I miss her, our relationship, everything we dreamed of. We were supposed to graduate together. All of my dreams are shattered. I barely know who I am.

I am very thankful for the suppor5 from family, friends, and everyone on SI.

WilliamM posted 2/20/2019 11:03 AM

That is so terrible. I have to ask, how does she react to you when you are at school? Does she try and talk to you?

Hold2win posted 2/22/2019 14:25 PM

She doesn’t really try to talk to me. But each day I notice her look at me, and I guess yeah sometimes she says something small. I shrug it off, I don’t know what she said, I can’t even look at her

cancuncrushed posted 3/3/2019 11:52 AM

Im struggling with self esteem...and on one hand Im surprised..on the other hand I am not...

WH was a serial cheater...I didn't know this..I did suspect he cheated...he pined for the OW when things blew up...He then spent years punishing me...I think he wished he had chosen her...the one that got away, but he stayed because of finances, and one child home..

I also learned that WH became alcoholic during this time..did he love her that much? or is he self destructive...I think all the above.. I also learned WH is nPD...I have learned most of these behaviors are common for NPD..

Needless to say, our marriage was bad...I was 180'ing...I was staying for the last child to graduate....and bad things continued...

This is when we learned WH had brain damage due to alcoholism...the last child did graduate, but now WH is very ill...maybe terminally...I stayed to help..I was confused...I was hurt...I couldn't abandon him...he was very foggy...I was still BS.. WE learned WH is not terminal..

then he relapsed again and again...making his illness worse...he found a new girlfriend...knowing I would divorce him, when I learned of the latest relapse... sorry, long story..

and he left me in less then 10 seconds...no conversation, he planned the D for 10 months. It was so cold..heartless...no conversations...and OW is much younger...I think I struggle because its a trigger to other DDay, the age factor of OW, and its coldness...

I know there is no hope for him...or his OW...I know I am better off...I hope he finds his way...I fear for his safety...I just cant wrap my head around the abrubt coldness after 35 years...I know he has brain damage...this measure of change is what scares me...its unbelievable.. ITs another dday, its the shock of his illness, its the shock of his rejection...its the shock of his coldness.. and it just is....this behavior is common for the area of his damage... its common for NPD.

I have learned so much. WH cheating had many medical facets to it....it is still not ok...it still hurts...it also feels very hopeless and I never had a choice...my only choice was to D. I feel I lost all control over my life...I feel WH lost all control over himself...its such a hopeless low feeling...

You would think I would be over this quickly...that the marriage was bad for years...the writing was on the wall....I am codependent...also, new rejection is still rejection...new pain is still pain and a blow to the self esteem is still a blow...I even surprised myself, how much this has hurt....it is another DDay…

I see STXWH as a monster...someone I never really knew...His personality has completely changed...we pass each other on the street, him with OW, and we are complete strangers...ignoring each other... me hurting...Is this his true personality he kept hid under a NPD mask, or is he brain damaged more? IT is what it is...In the meantime, they are shopping lots, spending lots, and traveling lots...dates... making plans... He is an alcoholic brain damaged NPD...how does he find relationships and I dont? I know I have to keep moving forward...its back to square one....again....after another DDay….at least I know the ropes.. I have learned all I can...I hope...this is the last DDay.. I hold onto that.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 12:26 PM, March 3rd (Sunday)]

Oftencheatedon posted 3/3/2019 18:22 PM

Cancun - he finds “relationships” because he will take anything. You on the other hand know now that you only want to be in a healthy relationship.

And that means that first of all you need to heal. And you do not need to have a spouse to have a great life. I was single for years and had so many friends. I have so many great memories. But at 60+ I met my now wonderful DH. He enhances my life - but I already had a great life before I met him.

I was left by the “love of my life”. It killed me. The pain was off the charts. But I survived. And you will too.

AbandonedGuy posted 3/4/2019 23:42 PM

Man rereading my bitter, vitriolic post from 3 months ago really brings back memories... Thank god Ive got no anger left inside, although today was a fun little surprise: melancholy. A longing for what Im missing out on, but with the her I thought she was but really isnt.

Plus Im having fleeting moments of genuine curiosity: whats she doing, hows her life been, etc. None of it matters, of course. But from time to time, rarely, I get that urge to just *know*. When they ghost your ass, the lack of closure is like letting an open chest wound hang out there like wet lunch meat. We can give ourselves closure intellectually, philosophically, but they rob us of the emotional element thats hard to produce on our own. Like they told us to make a cake then absconded with the flour and eggs.

Its also still kind of a stick in my craw that Im in this minority of abandoned souls, bouncing around my new life with pieces of me still missing, pieces which wont heal, questions lingering and unanswered. Sometimes I think, "Yeah your WS is a real horrorshow, but you know what their lifes like these days." I went from love of my life of 12 years to 6 weeks of enemy combatant to Total Stranger Forever. All the toxic shit she did still doesnt help that pill go down any easier, not these days when Im done with the bitter part.

I guess I just needed to vent. This is a weird thing when they up and disappear. I dont know if its stupidity, optimism, maturity, hopefulness, or what, but I still cant bring myself to write her off as a narc monster from hell. What she did was out of that playbook, but I find myself feeling pity for her. And she could be livinf it up no worry in the world while Im holding onto doubt benefits.

Maybe once the weather changes and I spend my time outside again, I wont even think about it anymore.

PaperHeart posted 3/7/2019 04:50 AM

I think I fit in here.

Mine couldn't stay away from OW even when we were trying to R stating that he felt too alone while I was trying to heal. So after I decided we were done, he couldn't wait for the divorce to go through so he can get remarried to OW before their child was born.

FallenStars posted 4/18/2019 12:18 PM

I belong here as well. He's obsessed with OW, even though he keeps telling me "thinks" he wants to try again to work things out between us. So today I set him free. I can't wait around to be someone's Plan B.

He didn't argue or fight. He said he didn't understand, I explained that I feel like he's obsessed with her and that was it. He didn't even respond. We've been together for 18 years, married for 9, two beautiful loving children that this is going to crush.

He has only known her since October. How can she mean so much more to him than the woman he has made a life with for 18 years?

Clearly I am not handling this well today.

AbandonedGuy posted 5/14/2019 00:55 AM

I still check this thread once a month for other fellow travelers. We're a minority here.

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