"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Itstough posted 2/26/2018 11:20 AM

So, I tried looking for old threads regarding this. I am 50 and my BF is 53. We have been dating for over 6 months now. We had amazing sex two times when we first met. He told me he was on the patch (but it was causing severe allergic reaction), as well as cailas. I realize now the allergic reaction to the patch was from the adhesive. We agreed that he should stop using the patch and make appointment to see his doctor and get an alternative. Well,it has been 5 months and he has not made an appointment. We have talked about this a few times, and he says he will make appointment. We live 6 hours apart, so we are not even in the same town for me to go with him to appointment. In between all of this it has been busy with our work lives and holidays etc. (I know I am making excuses)
Well, we have not had any intimacy in 5 months! Guys, help me here, what is the deal? Its not like I'm unattractive or unappealing sexually, it just seems like he is being lazy and obviously not listening to my needs!

Brentwood posted 2/26/2018 13:16 PM

Yikes no sex for 5 months while in a new relationship when you’re supposed to be swinging from the chandelier?? And it’s long distance where you’re not together much?? I don’t wanna say he’s not a match for you, but based on your question he certainly isn’t chomping at the bit for you physically (ouch) and doesn’t seem to want to fix the medical issue, so where’s the desire to please you? What’s in it for you?

And I’m no doctor, but if he’s having ED issues at only 53 then I’d say he has some kind of medical conditions and/or he drinks too much.

TimelessLoss posted 2/26/2018 15:33 PM

Its,

Was he under the doc's care and got the scripts from his PCP? Or did he go DIY off the Internet? Low T can cause all sorts of issues, including depression. Any signs of that? Depression can cloud his thinking about getting on going treatment.

Ask him gently what his T number was when he was tested by the doc, and when he had his last physical. Is he avoiding sex or does he engage but has failure to launch?

If he has low T coupled w/depression, no one would be able to cause his engine to rev.

Itstough posted 2/26/2018 15:52 PM

Brentwood - yes, yikes is right. He has all of the healthy requirements as far as our relationship goes (also, I left out that he is European). He does not drink much at all, which I am so happy about! He had a stroke in his 30's, so I am not sure if this may have something to do with it. He also told me at somepoint he suffered depression, but I honestly have not seen any warning flags of depression.

TL- He was under doctor (including physical) care, he just needs to go back! that simple!

About the engaging part, no he doesn't. He will rub my back for hours, hold me etc, but will not try to please me. I am starting to get a little upset. Then again, if, and I mean if, he could never have sex (this is what if), I would stay in the relationship. He is that worth it.

I just want to know why is he not rushing to the doctor! Sex is great!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by Itstough at 3:56 PM, February 26th (Monday)]

PlanC posted 2/26/2018 19:16 PM

He is not rushing to the doctor because if he has no sex drive then he is not even aware of the need for a sex drive. It’s like asking a full person why the aren’t hungry—that part of their brain isn’t triggering the urge.

You will have to explain it as something you’d like more of — and see if he will be mindful enough of your needs to acquiesce.

emptyinokc posted 2/28/2018 17:03 PM

Coming off trt can make it crash before the body learns to start making its own again.

If his t is up high enough he'll be horny all the time. Trust me.

My guess is his t has crashed so hard he's impotent and afraid to tell anyone, including you and his Dr.

[This message edited by emptyinokc at 5:09 PM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

emptyinokc posted 2/28/2018 17:21 PM

Also btw, you know when you've lost your sex drive and you can still want to want it and have the motivation to do something about it.

Strutter1960 posted 3/2/2018 11:19 AM

As part of my post-Dday pick me dance/personal recrimination learning cycle while having a (coincidental?) physical, I requested a lab test.

Normal T ranges from/is 123-814 ng/dL. Mine @ 57 was 243 ng/dL. Not 400+ where I’d like it to be, but Alas!... It’s a normal event as males age.

Fenugreek is supposed to help raise T if you’re interested.

I don’t have much of a sex drive myself considering my 15 Aug 2017 dday. It’s still a shock after being with someone who satisfied me for 14 years then replaced me. I hope that psychological factor disappears as time moves forward, I divorce and detach further from WW.

[This message edited by Strutter1960 at 11:20 AM, March 2nd, 2018 (Friday)]

emptyinokc posted 3/2/2018 14:11 PM

That's unhealthily low Strutter1960. You run risks of complications from it being that low.

Cooley2here posted 3/6/2018 12:48 PM

I think the stroke has a lot to do with it. It happened to a friend of mine in his early 40s and his wife told me years later that he never had the urge afterward. This was before drs. prescribed meds for ED. You NEED to go with him to the doctor. If he could have sex on the patch he can have it with another form of testosterone. I think his depression and ED are all one and the same and he needs medical intervention.

99lawdog99 posted 3/6/2018 12:57 PM

Strutter,

that's really low. I'm 57 and Mine was around 400 and I always felt like crap. I went to the doctor and he put me on the rub which was fine when and before Obama care in which the insurance covered it and it cost me 25.00 a month. When the insurance no longer covered it, I was not going to pay the 625.00 a bottle for 30 day supply. My doctor then put me on the injection which cost 95.00 a bottle and can last up to 3 months. My T went from around 400 to about 1200. He tells me to cut down but instead of 1 cc every 2 weeks, I do 1/2 every week and it makes a difference. Lot more energy in every way.

shakentocore posted 3/6/2018 14:22 PM

I’m not familiar with low T, but reading this I can’t help but think that sex and pleasing you sexually is not a priority for him. Unless you want a relationship that is not physical in that way, I would move on.

EvenKeel posted 3/6/2018 14:57 PM

I’m not familiar with low T, but reading this I can’t help but think that sex and pleasing you sexually is not a priority for him.

Unfortunately, I agree.

When I started dating SO, we had this issue. However, he was willing to do whatever it took to find a remedy as well as pleasing me. He called doctor, researched the death out of it, tried every vitamin and herb suggested, tried meds, etc until he found a solution.

it just seems like he is being lazy and obviously not listening to my needs!

I agree. He doesn't seem to think this is an issue for you (?) or just doesn't care? Either way, it is a problem. Have you straight out told him?

My concern is you are not having intimacy at all. It does not have to be intercourse, there are lots of things you guys can do but it doesn't sound like he has any desire at all.

You have nothing to lose by being straight forth with him and finding out his stance. If it is that is it just not a priority for him, then you have your answer and can make a firm decision on what you need to do (or not do).

Don't accept this Itstough.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 2:58 PM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

6M$Man posted 3/7/2018 09:17 AM

I think the issues is something other than testosterone. Believe it or not, men need to be in a psychologically sound place in order for everything to work correctly. Stress can do a number on a person, and by the time a person realizes the stress, it's already been going on for a long time and the person has just only exceeded their body's natural capacity to mitigate it.

Playing around with hormones that are supposed to decline as we age is a risky proposition, and should be the last thing a person looks into.

...just my opinion. Do with it what you will.

Itstough posted 6/21/2018 13:52 PM

Well, I am glad I went back and read this thread I posted in February. I have to say that I broke it off with my SO. It was probably the hardest thing I have done (next to leaving my SA ex.)
Can you believe I waited 8 months for him to finally see a series of doctors, get his testosterone levels right and get on the correct meds for his ED. Exciting right? Keep in mind he lives 6 hours away, so we dont see each other as often as we want.
To continue this saga, I had an amazing weekend planned around a black tie event we were attending Memorial Weekend. I had amazing hotel and ordered his tux to be ready when he arrives and best of all, I had just lost 20 pounds, so I found the perfect sexy dress for the weekend.
Guess what? He was too tired and stressed from work to come in. You cannot imagine how utterly crushed I was. I even explained to him the disappointment. However, he said he would make it up. Guess what? For the next 3 weeks I sat around thinking he would come in for the weekend. Nope! He didn't..
I guess what I am trying to say here is as much as I really loved this man, he was not going to fulfill my needs and I deserve better. So I told him goodbye. It has now been three weeks since then and I have not heard one peep out of him. I guess the truth is in that...he never really was that into me. The fact that he could not fix his medical issue earlier was probably a huge sign I should have acted on sooner.

TrustGone posted 6/21/2018 15:08 PM

I am sorry he didn't turn out to be the one for you. If they care to please you they will put forth the effort. Since he didn't that just shows that they really are not that in to you. If you broke it off 3 weeks ago and he hasn't called then I would now go totally NC with him and block his #.

Itstough posted 6/21/2018 15:20 PM

Trustgone - you are correct and I will do that. Amazing how great this support is on SI, everyone had wise advise for me and most of it was true! I just had to find out the longer harder way.

SoHappyNow posted 6/21/2018 16:02 PM

My husband of 4 years had ED right from the get go. He would talk to DR in front of me about his erectile dysfunction...no shame, just a burn8ng desire to fix it! He even got shot's directly into his penis, which makes me cringe!!

Your guy was just not interested in pleasing you...his loss!

nothisfriend posted 6/22/2018 09:00 AM

I just had to find out the longer harder way.

I hope you find longer and harder now

(If I'm out of line just slap me.)