"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Reese1 posted 3/30/2018 10:57 AM

Does anyone here to joint parties with their ex way ward? We have done several since separating. We had been planning to do Easter at my house on Sunday and I had invited STBX to it but now I’m rethinking this. STBXs family is having their own Easter thing later in the evening Sunday and want me to come with the kids.

Easter is more triggery to me than other holidays because two Easters ago wh had spent the night with his AP and we had to push back dd’s egg hunt because he wasn’t home and wasn’t answering his phone. Myself and his family were calling the jails and hospitals worried something awful had happened.

Last year I wanted to take dd to the city wide egg hunt and wh refused to with me and berated me the entire time I was getting dd ready to go saying how stupid I was for always going to all the community events because those were for poor people (this coming from the high school grad who at the time made 12.00 an hour). Turns out he just didn’t want us going because he was scared I would run into one of his whores there.

This year I took the girls to the city wide hunt and we had a blast. He acted salty the next couple of days because he had wanted to go with us and I knew that and went without him.

Marz posted 3/30/2018 11:00 AM

It's better if you keep separate. If you can't you'll just linger.

SuperDaddy1027 posted 3/30/2018 12:03 PM

Agree with Marz (I say that alot around here lol). XWW still wanted to be “friends” and do joint parties/holidays. I shut that down immediately. We are no longer a family and no longer do I have to do ANYTHING with her. And why the hell would I want to be friends with someone who caused me so much pain? My kids understand when they are with Daddy they do Daddy things and when with Mommy they do Mommy things. Rarely do we do things together (school plays and sports is only exception but I don’t sit with XWW). I’m civil to her but honestly I don’t want to be around her anymore than I absolutely need to be.

Don’t do anything together. From my experience that’s what’s best for everyone.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 12:04 PM, March 30th (Friday)]

shakentocore posted 3/30/2018 12:46 PM

Honestly, your X / STBX seems to constantly rain on your Easter parade! Why do you want him around? It’s better for the kids to get used to different celebrations with mom and dad.

Your STBX is still extremely selfish - putting his comfort above you enjoying time with your kids. My vote is no. Let him be in charge of his own holidays instead of hijacking yours!

EvenKeel posted 3/30/2018 13:04 PM

The further you get in the process, the together stuff will probably get less and less appealing.

I would recommend you really think if this is how you want to do it the next decade because you are at the point in the process of setting your ideal precedent. Really think about long-term - like what happens when you are him remarry (or have a SO), now you are in the position of having your ex around for Christmas morning with your new H, etc (or whatever the situation).

berated me the entire time I was getting dd ready to go saying how stupid I was for always going to all the community events

This does not sound like a good time for you OR your children.

Your children are little but they will be able to quickly understand separate holidays if that is what you decide to do for everyone's mental/emotional wellness.

He acted salty the next couple of days because he had wanted to go with us and I knew that and went without him

It is not your job anymore to feed his mental well being.

OrdinaryDude posted 3/30/2018 15:31 PM

I can’t ever understand spending holidays with an ex...I would go to my kid’s wedding if we had split, but otherwise would never share oxygen with an ex.

CanWeFixIt posted 3/30/2018 16:22 PM

We did joint Christmas and birthdays. That was however as we had just split and it was hard not to. Now I just feel awkward doing family stuff.
My x mil still desperately tries to get all of us together.
I can see why you wouldn't want to spend Easter with your ex if is so triggering. Good for you you could make your own plans and stick to them!

waitedwaytoolong posted 3/30/2018 17:45 PM

This came up for me just last night. We met our daughters boyfriends parents for the first time. Rather than having two separate occasions like a lunch and dinner we opted to all get together. Part of it was to let the parents know we weren't t some Jerry Springer family as my daughter did tell them the reason for the divorce.

It worked out well, and my EX and I spent some time after just talking. If you have a good relationship and can tuck the anger aside it can work.

Your H however does not seem to be a candidate for it. Shows the quality person you are to even put this on the table to discuss.

Broken332 posted 3/31/2018 06:55 AM

We try and do holidays together, but I know that's not the norm. D-day was a week before Thanksgiving for me, and we did Thanksgiving, Christmas, and will be doing Easter together with extended family. For me, I can do it because I feel nothing. I can be around him and talk to him like any other person and have no anger. We do it solely for the kids. If doing holidays together creates any type of animosity or fighting between you, I wouldn't do it. Kids pick up on it all and it would be completely counterproductive.

CharliB posted 3/31/2018 07:18 AM

We tried to do holidays and birthday celebrations together for the kid's sake. It was disastrous for me, emotionally and the kids ( teens and up) could clearly see this. Things are much more pleasant for everyone when we do celebrations separately.

StillLivin posted 3/31/2018 10:45 AM

Why would you include someone who has already shown he can happily put his childrens' (and your) happiness aside for a side piece? Your X is an asswhole. You need to set a no asswholes allowed boundary. Who gives a damn how he feels or what he thinks, you're divorced now. Caring about how he feels was your job when you were his wife. He fired you. He and the children both need to learn what divorce looks like. You and your kids do a nice, stress free holiday. He can do his own. Right now, he is using you so that you'll do all the work of making a happy celebration and he can just sit back and reap the rewards of your hard efforts. FTG.
If he still wanted family holidays etc. he should have kept his family in tact, i.e. no cheating.

Thornier posted 3/31/2018 16:18 PM

No.

I am Still pretty rage filled though.

I got to see her post that "Men make me sick!" about him but still... It's raw but I can't picture my feelings on the subject changing.

honesttoafault posted 3/31/2018 22:57 PM

For this Easter, since you've already planned it and invited him, let it go. You will survive this one.

But, for the future, you may rethink about how you want to go about this. Nothing is set in stone, and everyone is different.

Maybe you might agree to do Christmas together, but not Thanksgiving, or do birthdays for the kids together and not other holidays.

YOU decide.

With xWH#1, we really didn't do any holiday together after he left for OW (who he didn't end up staying with). Now, 25 years later, and our son is married and has a child, son has invited me and xWH and his wife (nothing to do with us he met her YEARS after we split, and a genuinely nice LADY (thank god)).It was awkward at first, but xWH didn't really talk much and I hit it off with his wife lol.

Every situation is different. Do what is best for YOU. You don't have to worry about him or his feelings any more.

Reese1 posted 4/1/2018 20:32 PM

Well if anyone cares for an update... stbx didn’t show up for our families Easter lunch and egg hunt and when I took the girls to his parents house this evening for the Easter egg hunt with all their cousins his family all begged me to stay and were really nice to me (they always are every time I see any of them post split and stbx sulks about it). Stbx and I really didn’t talk much and the girls had fun but now we’re back home and I’m just sad this is our reality.

The next ‘event’ will be my daughters 1st birthday next month. I think I’m just going to plan her party like I was doing before and invite his family and stbx. I know his family will come and be supportive and as long as we can manage to get along like we did tonight I don’t think there will be any problems.

Tigersrule77 posted 4/3/2018 14:29 PM

I have no reason or desire to spend time with XWW. I let her know that we are not friends. We are polite and co-parent well but do not do holidays or parties together. I would invite her mother at times, as we are on good terms.

Honestly, I don't know whether that type of thing is good for kids or not. I suppose it depends on your kids. They may be able to handle it, or it may be upsetting and make them wonder why you can't stay together.

nothisfriend posted 4/3/2018 15:36 PM

Once my parents divorced I never wanted them in the same room together again. The first time they were was at my wedding. Over the years as grandchildren came along there were more gatherings they attended at the same time, but always at one of us kids' places. This year, for the first time in 35 years, my dad and step-mom came to my mom and step-dad's house. They are all what I call "well-behaved." Kind of like the second cousin you see at funerals and weddings and that's it.

I will strive for that. Luckily my DS is in college now and there doesn't have to be any contact until something happens in his life. I pray it will be a little further in the future!