SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

1DayAtATime5547 posted 4/18/2018 00:49 AM

This may end up being so hard to get through & I apologize...I have been a member for a couple months now & I was very hesitate to post because rehashing all the emotions is so hard to do, but after reading several posts day in & day out has given me the courage to just do it even knowing I may not like all the advice I get. I am just tired of having wonderful days where things seem so much better & seeing the progress & then days that I just want to lay in bed and cry, days where I constantly wonder what I did wrong, why wasnt I good enough, is this some form of karma.
My official DDay was in early March, even though I knew for months prior that something just wasnt right. On my DDay I found all the evidence that proved my gut feelings about my WF (wayward fiance) had always been correct & it was heart shattering to say the least, he was asleep when I got into his phone & read all the text between him & the OW.
But the feelings had started several months prior, I had found a used condom in our guest bedroom toilet while he was at work. When I sent the picture of it in the toilet, it took him 4 hours to respond with some bullshit ass excuse (red flag I know, but my naive ass believed his lies as I truly believed he would NEVER do that to me with everything we had been through)
We fought for about a week, sleeping in separate rooms & barely speaking until he broke down & told me how much he loved me & could never do that because if he didnt want to be with me he'd just leave like he had done 4yrs prior. we stayed separated for a year and a half that time 4yrs ago, when out of the blue he text me just to talk. We started hanging out as friends just to see how things could be at that level. things progressed quickly & about 6 months later I was pretty much living with him again, things were so great!
I than began to notice messages coming in on his phone from the OW (she was a key part in our separation for that year and a half 4yrs prior). They had called it quits but then she realized he & I were trying again & of course decides she cant let that happen. At first I was told they only talked every few months but then the communication increased & he began hiding it.
I continue to believe him that it was only every few months but knew deep down in my gut he wasnt being very honest. It was the superbowl before last when I intercepted his phone & read the not so innocent text mainly coming from her end) & I said something to him which then ruined our weekend (all I could think was thanks stupid bitch, i know he was just as much at fault for responding).
We came home from out of town & tried working on us again & making our relationship better by making time for each other & making sure the other knew they were loved & appreciated, needed & wanted.
Then it all started back up when he took to me work one morning and sent me into the gas station to get something just for me to come out & catch him responding to a text from her. So, I knew things between them were def becoming more than friends. I tried explaining that he was being disrespectful to me & our relationship, but an argument ensued and I was in tears all day at work.
As time continued to go on I saw more & more evidence that he was lying about the amount of communication & meet ups.
About a few months ago I just knew deep in my heart they were getting physical. Late February was when my DDay hit. I accessed his phone & read every message between them & it was confirmed that it was def physical on several occasions & was going to continue.
I was so distraught that instead of forwarding the messages to myself or taking pictures I just deleted them so now I def couldnt bring it up even though I wanted to. I also couldnt b/c the last time I brought up anything between them it got close to a physical encounter, him stating "if you dont get away from me I will knock you the f*** out & leave you because I dont care"...real nice, right?!?!?! he then left the house for quite some time texting me how much i ruined his life, I was a mistake, hed be better off without me, i make him so miserable, & on & on. He finally came home & acted like I didnt exist & never once apologized for any of that. I let it go as I didnt want to argue any more.
things started to improve, I was getting the typical texts through out the day to talk & tell me how much he loved me & wanted to be with me & only me, but something still just didnt sit right...he was still responding to her b/c she just wasnt getting it at this point.
I finally reached out to his boss whom had sent him home a few times for not being himself & asked that he please talk to him b/c my WF respects him enough to listen to him. my WF was honest that he had been sat down but vague in what was talked about.
About a few days later I looked in the phone one last time to see that my WF had for the 3rd time sent the OW a text along these lines "
Sorry it just has to be this way, its for the best...I should have never responded 2 yrs ago when you contacted me, that was a mistake...you know nothing good would have ever happened with us...we really are two very different people...you will have the family you want just not with me, hope nothing but the best and then used the deuces emoji...I didnt see it til a week later and she has no response, but something is telling me again that she has reached out because he is back to his crappy attitude juts always picking fights. For the last weeks until todays fight we were seeming to head in the right track, him texting me all day, saying i love you & sleeping in our bed again.
The fight today was because I got home from work to find himself locked in the bathroom pleasuring himself to some stupid live online site (i know what it sounds like), yes I was upset as we havent been intimate in a very long time & he says he just doesnt want it with anyone, really? So, in order for me to not question his lie & create a fight I left without saying anything, yes I was wrong but I gt no apology for his behavior either.

I have been wanting to speak my peace with the other women, but dont want any more drama, even though I think she deserves to know what I think of her & her slutty ways. I have also wanted to tell her husband (if he still exists), but I was stupid & didnt save the proof.

All I want is my WF to show some kind of remorse or some kind of trying to work it out as I said things were going good just a couple weeks ago...I just want my loving, caring WF back, the one who made me feel special & loved b/c I know I do all that for him no questions asked.

just tired of getting to a good place where I think things are getting better & hes actually being truthful to fall back into these again.

there maybe details needed or if you want to know just tell me. I just want to know that i can get through all of this and that i can be loved & appreciated. just tired of crying, feeling hurt, heartbroken and not worthy.

Hurt4 posted 4/18/2018 01:47 AM

Hey there 1Day, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry you're going through this, definitely understand the pain of the so-called "love of your life" (in my case, WW) going back to the well with an old flame.

I don't have a lot to say at this exact moment (lil' crunched for time) but I just wanted you to know that you've been heard, and you've got a lot of great advice coming. You will not regret sharing.

Take care of yourself, first and foremost!

Hurt4 posted 4/18/2018 01:47 AM

Duplicate post, mod can delete!

[This message edited by Hurt4 at 1:48 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)]

Cicinsajn posted 4/18/2018 01:53 AM

I know how you feel and im sorry for that..I think you deserve much better than you have at home..he lying to you all your relationship and you have to think what will hapen when you become his wife..5-10years later...he manipulating you,he is selfish and don't think about your emotion..he don't have empaty for you..think about that..I been in your shoes for 5year's..and in the end he pack his stuff and go whit OW.I know in that time that someting is not right..and that it's..he is cheater and player..

The1stWife posted 4/18/2018 02:51 AM

I’m sorry. So sad to read this.

You have given this relationship your best. 💯%. Probably more than that.

You deserve at least his respect and love and commitment.

Instead you have been disrespected, cheated on, lied to and emotionally abused and verbally abused .

I have been M 30 years and my H & I have never spoken like that to each other. The day my H ever threatened me with physical violence would be the last time he ever spoke to me and he knows that. For sure!

This OW has been a third party to your R too long. Forget the text where he tells her it’s over. You can see a pattern and she has infiltrated your R more than once. And it seems as though it will happen again and again.

Your fiancé is a serial cheater.

Your fiancé chooses not to have sex with you.

These are the facts. I will weigh in here and tell you that just b/c you are married to him does not mean any of this will change for the better.

In fact it could be worse in 1 year or 5 years or 10 years.

Please know you cannot change him. Nothing you say or do will change him. Please know that. Please understand that. Please accept that.

His A and porn addiction (or whatever it is) are his drugs of choice and an addict will not change unless they want to.

Sooooo now what?

It comes down to deciding if you are willing to spend the rest of your life with this abuse OR are you going to get out and save yourself?

I suggest finding a good therapist to help you make these tough decisions. All the posts here will point out the facts and tell you what to do. I’m not telling you what you should do. I’m suggesting you get some support and guidance to help you make some tough decisions.

You can stay with this guy and get married. Your choice. Just know what you are signing up for.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:53 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)]

OneInTheSame posted 4/18/2018 03:16 AM

I am so sorry for all your hurt and the deception and the lies and the hurt again . . . and again . . .

Please reread what you wrote above. I am not sure you ever had what you are now saying you so dearly want back. Your WF is a serial cheater, and it appears his attachment to his ex is a real problem for him.

I know how that feels to you, because I am here because my wife reunited with her ex-gf for six months 3 years ago. In fact yesterday was the date of their first phone conversation and Saturday will be three years since my wife drove my car about 20 miles away to see her OW for a few minutes in a parking lot outside a Krispy Kreme. So it began, and over 6 months time they got together at least once a week, on average, and during the month of our first wedding anniversary, they were their "busiest." I had no clue this was taking place and was blindsided the day I found their chat on Facebook.

Your story has one big difference that really jumped out at me, however.

I also couldnt b/c the last time I brought up anything between them it got close to a physical encounter, him stating "if you dont get away from me I will knock you the f*** out & leave you because I dont care"...real nice, right?!?!?! he then left the house for quite some time texting me how much i ruined his life, I was a mistake, hed be better off without me, i make him so miserable, & on & on. He finally came home & acted like I didnt exist & never once apologized for any of that. I let it go as I didnt want to argue any more.

First, none of this is your fault. Quit accepting the blame for his terrible behavior.

Second, you do not deserve this kind of treatment from anyone. To hang around, keeping silent and hoping it will get better, well, that's is accepting this this is all the better you can do.

You do not mention if there have been any children in this relationship, but my suggestion is that you are better off without this person anywhere in your life. You need a fresh start, after some time off the relationship merry-go-round. And I might suggest that you find a counselor for yourself to help with your self-esteem and to help you get over this terrible experience. If you continue, I believe you may be dooming yourself to a lifetime of being abused and used and grossly under-valued. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life . . . do you really want to repeat these last several years over and over again until you are wrung out and beat up?

Please do some reading in the Healing Library in the yellow box to the left. Keep asking questions here, keep venting, keep your chin up . . . and try really hard to take a look into the next 5 or 10 years and ask yourself if this is what you want. My guess is this is not the life or relationship you always dreamed of. He is not a safe partner. I don't believe he has ever been a safe partner. I am sorry, but that is what I see . . .

Booyah posted 4/18/2018 03:43 AM

1Day, sorry that you're in such a bad place. The first thought that I had was you were right to trust your instinct that something wasn't right. You were also lucky to find the proof to validate those feelings (multiple times).

There are a few things that really stuck out to me. One is this:

After confronting him he says to you, "if you don't get away from me I will knock you the F*** out & leave you because I don't care" followed by "I ruined his life, I was a mistake, he'd be better off without me, I make him so miserable, and on & on". "He finally came home & acted like I didn't exist & never once apologized for any of that". You let it go because you didn't want to argue, things started to improve, but AGAIN "things just didn't sit right....he was still responding to her b/c she just wasn't getting it at this point"?

1Day, if one of your loved ones told you this what would you say to them? If you were my daughter I would tell you that this guy has shown you time and time and time again who he is. I believe it was Maya Angelou who said, "when someone shows you who they are believe them".

I'd also say to you is it the other woman who isn't "getting it", or is it YOU who isn't "getting it"? Really think about this.

You have caught this guy multiple times and for some reason you let it go hoping things will get better. They haven't and so why are you going around and around with this guy in this horrible cycle?

The good thing 1Day is that you are not married to him nor do you have any kids with him. Dating is the time where people get to find out if they mesh with another. You go through trials and see how each other respond. It's like a test drive before you fully commit and go ALL IN.

I hate to say it, but I'm going to 1Day because you need to hear it, this guy has FLUNKED the test. When people get married 1Day, TRUST ME, things don't get easier they get harder. Throw in kids, bills, and there's so many more responsibilities and the stress just goes up.

So 1Day the question I would be asking myself is why are you putting up with all of this BS? This guy has lied to you countless times, he's been in a EA & PA with this other woman, he's physically threatened you, he's told you how miserable you make him and yet for some reason you still want him?

1Day, you are WORTH SO MUCH MORE than this LOSER is giving you.

You deserve to be cherished, to be loved, to feel safe, to trust the man that's in your life, and most importantly to be HAPPY. There is nothing that you wrote that indicates this guy is bringing ANY of this into your life.

1Day, I know you're struggling with this, but you have to find the strength to walk away from this boy (yes he's a boy and NOT a man). This guy is a TICKING TIME BOMB just waiting to EXPLODE!!!!

This guy is NOT "loving" or "caring" or made you feel "special" at all 1Day. He's a snake charmer.

I know you feel like you love him 1Day, but love isn't a feeling it's an action and this guy's actions show you time and time you should WALK AWAY!!!!

He can't love you 1Day because he's incapable of doing so. Before you can love someone else you have to love yourself. It's obvious he doesn't love himself. He can't even be intimate with you (he'd rather pleasure himself to porn in a bathroom).

Others will be along to chime in, but I hope you really give all of this some thought. Life is tough 1Day and you want a partner that gives you his best not all of this heartache and lies.

1Day is correct......but hopefully it's not with him.

NoMercy posted 4/18/2018 05:27 AM

I just want to know that i can get through all of this and that i can be loved & appreciated. just tired of crying, feeling hurt, heartbroken and not worthy.

You're just not going to get it from him. He's done nothing but lie, cheat, gas-light, minimize, deny, disrespect you, devalue you, denigrate you, and diminish you.

He's shown you - numerous times - who he is. For reasons that are your own, you choose to keep ignoring what he's been blatantly showing you and instead, hoping for a better tomorrow.

You can have a better tomorrow - just not with HIM.

You need to start respecting yourself and honoring yourself. A healthy relationship is not based on one person continually swallowing their pride and allowing themselves to be treated with no respect or care at all, and settling for 10% from someone while they're giving 110% back. That's not a relationship.

The earth isn't going to stop spinning and the world won't come to an end if you make the wise choice of finally respecting yourself and not settling for crumbs from a lying, abusive cheater anymore. Really, it won't.

Good luck to you.

annb posted 4/18/2018 06:32 AM

Hi, welcome to SI.

My heart was breaking reading your story.....not because of what this POS has been doing to you for years, but because you seem to be living in some fantasy that this guy is going to change. He has shown you repeatedly over the years who he really is, why don't you believe him?

He is abusing you and manipulating you. He's a serial cheater and an abuser. He also threatened to physically harm you, without a doubt if he gets angry he may just do something to harm you.

If you were my daughter, I'd advise you to run and never look back. He's not bringing anything into this relationship except heartache for you.

Please get tested for STDS asap!

Hugs...

deephurt posted 4/18/2018 06:57 AM

I’m so sorry that you are in this situation.

We all understand the pain you are going through. Try to eat and stay hydrated with water. We all know how hard it is to do but you really need to take care of your health through this.

You wf is not a good guy. He is not a good candidate for m and he is not a healthy person.

He is very selfish and he sounds like he could potentially be dangerous.

You deserve so much better than that. He is not showing any remorse. He disrespects you and fhreatens tknhurt you physically.

In your shoes, I would walk away from the relationship and never look back. You aren’t tied to him in any way.

Find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

Think about what will happen if you marry him and have kids with him. As time goes on and maybe you have kids. Stress at work may build, stress with the kids and bills. Complacency sets in. He will be cheating on you again in no time. With or without kids. He is not good marriage material. I’m quite sure he will hurt over and over again.

Please don’t tether yourself to this guy. He isn’t a safe partner for you enotiinally or physically.

OneLittleVictory posted 4/18/2018 10:02 AM

All I want is my WF to show some kind of remorse or some kind of trying to work it out as I said things were going good just a couple weeks ago...I just want my loving, caring WF back, the one who made me feel special & loved b/c I know I do all that for him no questions asked.

You will not get this from him. You can do better. Even just being alone is better than this.

josiep posted 4/18/2018 10:12 AM

I've been thinking about writing a book that lists all the crappy things my XWH did over the course of 49 yrs. I'd be writing it for myself but when I was telling my counselor about it, she suggested I might make it available to people who are struggling with a partner who isn't "engaged" in the relationship because I ignored red flags for 49 years, always explaining them away or telling myself it wasn't a big enough deal to fight over or to get divorced over.

But now that I'm divorced and somewhat retrospective, I can see that while none of them were deal breakers by themselves, the quantity of them over time destroyed me.

It might seem like I'm rambling and talking about myself but I'm not really. If this resonates with you on any level, do something about your situation. You are allowed to live your life on your terms. I'm just not sure you believe that at this point.

And that's the biggest red flag of all for you.

Trust what the good people here are telling you. They speak from their hearts because they have suffered the same pain and they're trying to help you avoid doing the same.

All the best to you.

(eta the last 3 paragraphs cuz I hit submit too quickly)

[This message edited by josiep at 10:15 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)]

Booyah posted 4/19/2018 07:47 AM

1Day, there's a line from the show "Mad Men" that's right on the money:

"People tell you who they are but we ignore it because we want them to be who WE want them to be".

BellaLee posted 4/22/2018 09:05 AM

Hi @1Day, so sorry to read what you have gone through and I wish I could put my arms around you and give you a hug. You sound like a wonderful person who has given so much love and kept hopeful even in such a difficult relationship. Unfortunately your WF has not appreciated your true worth. I really do want to encourage you that you are more than enough and indeed worthy of true love and don't let anybody tell you or treat you otherwise. Please don't despair, stay strong.

brokendreamer posted 4/23/2018 11:34 AM

Hi there
Firstly I am so sorry to read about what you are going through, the confusion, hurt and uncertainty must be overwhelming.
I am 4 weeks post DDay after 20 years married and the one thing I will say to you is this. I kick myself for not leaving the first time he cheated or hit me way back in the early days. I could have saved myself so much heartbreak. I would also say that it is better to walk away and hurt for a few months, than to stay with this cheating liar for years and then have him do it again when you have years invetsed and possibly kids, mortgage etc.
He is not showing any consideration for you or your feelings or your relationship. It is all about him having his cake and eating it.
I know it is so hard to walk away, but you need to tell yourself that you deserve better.
Can you really envisage the rest of your life with this man who can treat you so badly even before you are married?
Please don't make the mistake I did because either way you are going to hurt sadly, better it is now than years down the line.
You have a loving heart and patience that is obvious, but there is someone out there for you who will give you the same in return and adore you.
Look at the pro's and cons:
If you walk away now, you walk away with the knowledge that you had the strength to end it. You walk away with your self esteem and pride intact. You are then free to experience exciting new adventures and find a real loving relationship.
If you stay, you will lose your self esteem, he will finally end it whether by choice or by pushing you too far. What he is doing isn't love and if he can treat you like that now, I hate to think how he will treat you if you marry him.
This is not about you, this is about him and his insecurities. Only a coward is too scared to leave a relationship without someone to move on with. That arse is feathering his nest and trying to keep all his options open and at your expense.
He wont last with her, relationships based on lies and deceit rarely do. he is weak, she is weak, thats why she keeps chasing him, you dont have to be.
I am not saying your relationship has no chance of surviving this and going on to be a strong happy one. But what i am saying is that in order for him to value you, you need to value yourself. Don't lower yourself to her level by accepting 2nd best, be bigger, prouder stronger.
Take a deep breath and end it, whether you have a future together or not, you have to or this will carry on and destroy you.
Good luck and keep posting