SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

TheCaterpillar posted 4/21/2018 17:45 PM

Ok.

When it's a dday, not the first. You have evidence, you're waiting on more but the ws doesn't know.

Moving out will take a while to organise. Tl move around funds, arange travel and your emergency place to stay is not close by.

Do you talk to WS or just start packing on the sly?

Have movef to this forum as Reconciliation forum no l9nger seemed appropriate and I'm gknna have a hard time sticking with the "no name calling" rule (it's a good rule, but msybe I'm just not in that place now - not yet surr)

hellzapoppin posted 4/21/2018 17:51 PM

I'm sorry, that must be a punch in the gut.

Don't show your hand yet. Give yourself time to make your arrangements.

devotedman posted 4/21/2018 19:00 PM

Protecting yourself is your first priority. Apparently, he cannot be trusted to worry about keeping you safe. If you are physically safe then I'd counsel preparing first.

Take documents, photos of documents, or copies of any financial stuff that you can get your hands on. Remember that most phones will upload a backup to your google/icloud/whatever account. If your H has access to that then either turn off the upload or revoke his access. You want Account Numbers, Current Balances, Birth Certificates, Deposit slips, Credit Card Statements for Credit Cards, Retirement (401k, IRA), Checking, Savings, and any loans like house or car.

If your need to exit is pressing, like you're actually afraid of violence, then prepare a go-bag, like a pregnant woman does, of stuff that you'll need and hide it somewhere. The trunk is best if he never gets into your car.

Get your ducks in a row as best as possible if you're not in physical danger.

HardyRose posted 4/21/2018 19:22 PM

Firstly ((TheCaterpillar)) I am so sorry multiple Ddays are just awful.

When I knew I was done I tried telling my WS but he became physically abusive and upped the other abuse too. He threatened to kill himself, to kill our kids. He tried to kill us all. So I apologised for “over reacting” and silently got my ducks in a row.

I asked for help from friends. One had a family home that was empty so I arranged movers, friends to help me pack up me and our children and when I had an open window where he would be away and we could safely get out I left.

It was so hard to be “nice” to him and pretend all was ok.
But it was worth it to get the boys out safely.

Sending you extra strength today.

TheCaterpillar posted 4/21/2018 20:37 PM

THank you.

I am not in physical danger at all. That's not where the issue is

WhoTheBleep posted 4/21/2018 20:45 PM

Caterpillar, I'm so sorry. Absolutely prepare as best you can before confronting. In fact, screw confronting. Just leave D papers behind, your attorney's card, and disappear. Hugs to you.

Ripped62 posted 4/21/2018 20:52 PM

Protect yourself as mentioned earlier. Do not confront is my suggestion. Once you are in the place you feel is right then confront or simply ghost him. He does not deserve your emotional consideration.

Ripped62 posted 4/21/2018 20:52 PM

Protect yourself as mentioned earlier. Do not confront is my suggestion. Once you are in the place you feel is right then confront or simply ghost him. He does not deserve your emotional consideration.

Ripped62 posted 4/21/2018 20:52 PM

Protect yourself as mentioned earlier. Do not confront is my suggestion. Once you are in the place you feel is right then confront or simply ghost him. He does not deserve your emotional consideration.

Satine posted 4/21/2018 21:03 PM

Keep us updated Caterpillar

Adlham posted 4/21/2018 21:06 PM

Hey Cat, I was looking through your thread in R.

The stimulant... I would guess meth or maybe Adderall/Ritalin. I had wild teen years and those were the only drugs that made sleep impossible. Tush Nurse brought up cocaine, but I never liked it enough to have any thoughts on that keeping anyone awake. But I've been around enough meth heads to suspect that he's using that, especially if he's trying to pass it off on energy drinks.

Incidentally, bullshit on energy drinks keeping him awake. Those are typically caffeine, taurine, and B12. No way that keeps anyone going around the clock like that.

I know you say you feel physically safe, but if it is meth, you need to know that sleep deprivation can cause psychosis. One of my best friends in high school was the sweetest, kindest, gentle guy you could ever hope to meet. After he got heavy into meth and would stay awake for a week at a time, he was someone I became very afraid of. Thankfully, he got help and has been off meth for several years but there was a few incidents where I genuinely thought he was going to hurt someone.

I'm really, truly sorry. I outgrew all my seriously poor life choices in my mid 20's (bit of a slower learner) and I value my sleep too much to have ever have a meth problem. But I saw it take down a lot of friends. I saw it turn really nice people into raging lunatics.

Please be careful.

TheCaterpillar posted 4/21/2018 21:38 PM

He is diagnosed adult adhd but prescriptions stopped last year. We have talked "some" about the drugs so that's a little clearer, but then OW came in amd spoke to me. So nope. Too late for honesty on his part

Car is only half paid off. He keeps it. Don't care. But I do want to look at how else we might divvy up if we separate. Bot looking to fleece him, he has supported me financially. I just want a fair share. We don't have much between us so i have no intrtest in "cleaning him out".

I have a bank account in just my namr with inheritance. Ws knows this. He also knows its my account for a) saving a house deposit or b) leaving if he fucks up again. He knows I can leave and chose to stay because i love him. Big mistake. It doesn't have heaps but enough to relocate to my parents' place. They can support me a month or two (ie roof 9ver my head) while i get a new job and find somewhere to live. I have enough for 2ns little run round cat.
I just need time to prepare them for this amd oragnise packing up, moving and travel as it's far far FAR away.

I'm meeting OW tomorrow. Advice?? I'm dreading but my gut says go ahead and meet her

[This message edited by TheCaterpillar at 9:52 PM, April 21st (Saturday)]

Marz posted 4/21/2018 22:05 PM

Do not give out any info to her.

TheCaterpillar posted 4/21/2018 22:50 PM

I haven't taken R off the table but whereas it was "Plan A = Reconcilation
Plan B = Move back to family/hometown and start over"

Plan B is looking increasingly likely. I will talk to OW tomorrow. Meeting was her suggestion because when I asked if she had evidence she told me it was snapchat so the messages were not saved, but she referenced something WH told her earlier this week which makes me think she's truthful.

I'm getting there early to prepare a list of questions. I'm not telling her anything (other than suggesting at the end she gets an STD panel if she has had physcial contact). Her A with him was a while ago but he has got back in contact. She's been in psych hospital since then and having him recontact her has got her wanting to fix previous wrongs. I just want answers and she knows that.

So ask questions, get answers, give nothing away. We're meeting in public to discourage eiter of us "making a scene".

I'm so nervous I could puke. Today has been rough.

The1stWife posted 4/21/2018 23:44 PM

You need to contact an attorney to find out the laws in your state.

That bank account in your name may be considered marital assets. And legally he may be entitled.

I have a post nup. That was my bargaining chip to R. My post nup states any and all assets in my name are not a part of any marital assets in case we D for any reason.

Just a suggestion.

Heartbrokeness posted 4/22/2018 15:13 PM

So sorry to hear this, same as everyone else I’d get yourself sorted and then leave x

Smillie posted 4/22/2018 15:18 PM

Just get it all sorted for yourself on the sly.

TheBish posted 4/22/2018 16:07 PM

Of course don’t give a heads up. Take the funds, line up a new place to live. If kids aren’t involved, I wouldn’t even tell him what’s up. I would file and then schedule my move so he comes home to me and my shit gone. Have him served right after you move out.

TheBish posted 4/22/2018 16:09 PM

Just hold what you take, don’t spend it. It’s better to be in control of all the money rather than leave it up to goodwill. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission...

Heart posted 4/22/2018 16:28 PM

When I found out the second time, he wasn’t cheating but preparing to cheat by setting himself up online dating, I got all my stuff together to the best of my ability. By the time I let him know, I was fully committed to leaving. I think it helped me greatly be prepared for the fallout. So sorry for your pain. I am happy to be free of cheating.