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Day #4...unreal

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numb2018 posted 4/24/2018 20:56 PM

Actually, it should say DDay #4

OBS contacted me today to share some intel from the past 6 weeks. He caught them together in the car a few weeks ago and she didn't come home one night last week. Surprise, surprise, WH was out of town that night.

I don't know how anyone deals with getting hit over and over and over again with information of continued infidelity. I thought we were making progress.

[This message edited by numb2018 at 8:59 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)]

Chili posted 4/24/2018 21:05 PM

Oh boy numb.

I am so sorry to hear this. And no one should have to get hit over and over with information of continued infidelity.

Please please take good care of yourself.

1girlsmom posted 4/24/2018 22:06 PM

Ugh... so sorry.
How great that must be.
I'm seriously thinking about contacting my H OW.
See if she wants to tell me the truth.
Members here keep telling me my H is lying his ass off about details of his A.
I'm positive she was after coin so she may embellish, guess I'll see.
Good luck & hugs to you.

Ripped62 posted 4/24/2018 22:14 PM

I am sorry for the betrayal you have had to suffer. Take care of yourself and place your needs first. Pay attention to your health. You may need assistance as you cope with the trauma from the abuse you have had to deal with. No one should be subjected to pain of this magnitude simply for the selfish entitlement of others. There is a tremendous amount of wisdom on this site on how to get out of infidelity. I suggest that once the acute mental and physical harm has stabilized please take advantage of it. Please keep us updated as to how you are doing. Others will be along to also provide guidance and support.

Western posted 4/24/2018 22:15 PM

let me get straight to the point. What is your gameplan from here on out ?

BearlyBreathing posted 4/25/2018 00:49 AM


We donít deal for forever. Each of us has our limit, our breaking point. And when you reach yours, you are done. You separate, you divorce whatever. But is up to you and only you to decide when that is.

Your WH is obviously not R material currently ó sorry. So what is your plan? He may or may not get his shit together, but you cannot continue like this. Are you getting your ducks in a row in case he does not?

Sorry ó this sucks, and I wish he was not the asshat he is showing himself to be.

Hang in there,keep posting. Let us know your plans.


Smillie posted 4/25/2018 01:05 AM

How disappointing. He seems incapable of putting your needs before his own. Do what is right for yourself. You are worth alot more than this.

The1stWife posted 4/25/2018 04:34 AM

I went thru I he same thing except at DDay2 I had enough.

I had my plan B in place for months.

I thought we were in R too. Little did I know he was planning to D me to be with the OW. He walked in the D - literally - and said out of the blue ďI want a divorce ď.

So a few hours later when he begged for a second chance I was completely fried. I had been a yo-yo for six months. He wanted a D - then change his mind the next day. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

During this time I did not know the A had resumed. Or continued. I thought it was over.

So I told him on DDay2 I was divorcing him. Calm and rational. Devoid of emotion b/c I had nothing left. I had $ in my own name, an excellent therapist to support me and I was prepared to face it both emotionally and financially.

I told him my plan in 3 sentences. And then left the room.

Next day I told him he had to leave. He did not want to b/c he now realized he would not be seeing his children every day. He was going to have to support two households. And he realized his A just destroyed his family and life as he knew it.

And from that moment he has worked hard to make amends. We have R and are happy. My finally standing up to him was the bucket of cold water he needed. I hate I had to do it - but it was not a bluff. I was fully prepared to execute.

He had to prove to me he was worthy of my time and commitment. I spent 6 months under the infidelity cloud and living with a cheater. No more!

NoMercy posted 4/25/2018 06:28 AM

Numb, the first rule of infidelity we constantly try to impress on the newly betrayed is that you DON'T get the truth on D-Day. You get a watered down, minimized bunch of crap designed to make them look as 'innocent' as they can possibly make themselves look under the circumstances. They'll claim the affair partner aggressively pursued THEM and they'll try to lie about the extent of the sex, the length of the affair, and the amount of times they were actually together.

It's a rare blue moon indeed when a BS actually gets the honest truth out of any cheater. Sadly, your cheater is just like the rest of them and will continue to lie to cover his hide as much as he possibly can. Of course, he'll hide it under the guise of, "I was trying to protect you from being hurt any more than you had to be. I lied because I didn't want to hurt you anymore..."

No, it was to cover his own sorry ass.

Never forget - covering their hides is JOB #1 for a cheater. Damage control is their Number #1 priority. Not your pain, not your trauma, not your devastation (even though they'll act like it IS their first concern).

When they're still lying like he is, there is ZERO remorse because it's STILL obviously all about him and covering his own ass.

And sadly, there's more. There's always more.

numb2018 posted 4/25/2018 09:47 AM

I am in IC already, and that's been helpful. I guess I would rather know the truth from another source, than have the wool pulled over my eyes.

I have not seen a lawyer yet, but I've done some research. We already have separate financials, but there is debt, a mortgage, and two children who don't deserve to have their lives ripped apart.

I offered him my wedding ring yesterday, and said, you can give this back when you know you want to be married to me. He wouldn't take it. I have to put my foot down and be willing to lose the M to save the M.

1Faith posted 4/25/2018 11:06 AM

I have to put my foot down and be willing to lose the M to save the M.

^^^This and it is so sad and scary.

But he is still lying and cheating. He hasn't stopped because he hasn't had to or wanted to.

Her or you. His choice. And then stick with it.

180 180 180

No your kids don't deserve this and neither do you. But by staying you are conveying it is okay to cheat, that you have to stay at any cost.

The environment you all are living in now is not healthy for anyone.


skins21 posted 4/25/2018 11:12 AM

Why are you still together? Kick WS out of the house!!!! See an attorney and file for D!!!! Take him to the cleaners!!!!

Stop wasting your time on someone who isn't worth it and is constantly hurting you. Cheaters aren't worth your time. The marriage is over, there is nothing left to save!!!!

He has proven to you time after time he doesn't care about your or the marriage. He is completely selfish and only cares about his needs which doesn't include you.

He is the sole source of your pain and as long as he is around you will never heal, especially if all he does is keep hurting you. He's not a safe partner or parent!

MistyMornings posted 4/25/2018 21:43 PM

Iím sorry youíre going through this! I am barely recovering from DDay #1, so Iím not sure how youíve made it this far...

It may be time to reconsider your decision to stay together. There is no shame in moving forward with your life. Do whatís best for you, but it doesnít sound like staying with this man is really the best...

Keep posting and work through those feelings!

The1stWife posted 4/26/2018 05:37 AM

Numb. Iím sorry for you.

Please check in.

Regarding your children - they also donít need to live in a house with lying and cheating. Two parents living under the infidelity cloud is not necessarily the best environment for them either.

They can be happy and live a good life with two parents who are divorced but respect each other and co- parent accordingly.

numb2018 posted 4/26/2018 17:35 PM

Apparently the new thing in affairs is not calling your AP on his cell phone when he is out of town on business. Call the hotel and have 2, 3, 4 hour long conversations so his wife doesn't think there's been any contact! I've been strung along for the past four months.

Took me about an hour to grow a pair, put on my bitch boots and issue an ultimatum. Her, or me and the kids. Let's see how his thinking is when he gets home.

numb2018 posted 4/27/2018 04:29 AM

Now he says he wants a divorce. He is leaving me for the AP. Unreal.

NoMercy posted 4/27/2018 06:29 AM

Yeah...and next week he'll be claiming it was the biggest mistake of his life and he wants YOU.

Then a week or so later you'll catch him with her again, he'll proclaim his undying love to his OW and tell you he wants out.

Then a week or two later he'll be back to proclaiming his undying love to you.

And he'll continue this selfish, self-absorbed bullshit of going back and forth between two women as long as there are two women WILLING to degrade themselves again and again and again for this lying horse's ass.

Hopefully, you'll decide you've had enough disrespect and you'll finally kick him out the front door where he belongs.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 6:30 AM, April 27th (Friday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 4/27/2018 06:39 AM

I'm curious why you gave him the choice? I'm not judging, just something to think about. I would tell you that you deserve better.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. When he was confronted originally, how did he react? Did he ever claim he was going to end it, or was he just going to continue regardless?

Now that he made the decision, what are YOU going to do? I would suggest you find a good lawyer and start to protect yourself and your kids.

numb2018 posted 4/27/2018 10:02 AM

Seeing a lawyer in a week. Back in January, he agreed to end it with AP to work on us, but he didn't do the work, IMO. I got fed up yesterday with the continued contact between them and put my foot down. He's moving out.

litost posted 4/29/2018 19:58 PM

Numb, stay strong. You need honesty and transparency for this to work. You're not getting it, and you are not in control of that. You deserve better.

All the best to you.

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