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When did you know that D was the answer?

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Phoenix1 posted 6/4/2018 22:28 PM

As cliche as it sounds, when you are done you will know it without any doubt. Fear of the unknown future will outweigh misery of the present.

12and20years posted 6/7/2018 08:33 AM

Exactly, i knew when i felt calmer thinking about being divorced that i felt about remaining married to a cheater.

honesttoafault posted 6/7/2018 10:32 AM

I think you know when you know, like so many have said. I've gone from knowing intellectually but not wanting to accept it to knowing but not being ready to really do what it takes to leave to knowing down to the core of my being and making the moves to get out of this marriage

OMG, this puts in words exactly how I was feeling for YEARS.

This thread was extremely helpful for me to read.

The continuation of bad treatment, and realizing that WH was still seeing OW even under the guise of seeing the OC's. ( they were married overseas and he said they were D, but they weren't)I turned a blind eye to the red flags that were waving right in my face. I just was continually accepting more and more bad behavior until it became "normal".

Finally, the last straw: he married yet another one overseas and I was done. I think in the back of my mind was that if he ever did that, I was done. He had crossed the line.

Physical distance really helps in healing and seeing the reality. Now, I can't believe I put up with so much, especially seeing more and more people. I was so isolated in the M, he was so controlling about everything I did and who I saw, keeping me away from family.

Now, I don't even want to see him or talk to him. Even thinking about hearing his voice makes me feel sick. I shudder even imagining him touching me.

The problem, I feel, for many people, is that we do live on the hope for so long, focus on what we think are positive moves for R, that we don't see the whole picture, EVERYTHING. I do believe that R is possible under certain circumstances, but it's hard to recognize the truth when we are right in the middle of it sometimes and we are so emotionally invested in R.

When we suddenly wake up and see the reality, we do KNOW. The gut feeling that SI always says we should listen to.

"When did you know that D was the answer?" For some it may be a conscious intellectual decision, emotional or a combination.

I think for a lot of people going through false R, it's A GUT FEELING. You know when you know. And SI always advises you to listen to your gut.

Cheatee posted 6/7/2018 14:56 PM

It had been an increasingly difficult 12 months of attempted R. She was backsliding in her commitment to the hard work ahead. She would say things like "I've forgiven myself!" and she would spy on me on these very forums, and then start arguments based on things I said (without telling me she had been spying).

It was getting increasingly difficult, especially as I started to going through the second 6 months and feeling so much anger. Our daughter almost killed herself in a car wreck a few weeks after she heard what her mother did and my XWW was all to happy to have her own meltdown, leaving DD no option but to vent her anger at the one parent who could handle it. XWW was relieved to be out of the bulls eye, regardless of the damage being wrought to her own daughter.

But the last straw was one morning when she went into a mocking diatribe about my deepest vulnerabilities. She went to the place we all know not to go with a spouse, punching every hot button she could.

I realized then that she was willing to do whatever she could to continue to hurt me. It's not that her words hurt, as much as they left me in shock that she was willing to say them.

I'm no longer on speaking terms, as this kind of angry projection continued into our post-divorce lives.

LearningToRun posted 6/7/2018 15:35 PM

I thought we had finally jumped the hurdle and had truly reconciled.

Then his behavior circled around to THE EXACT SAME BEHAVIOR when he had discarded me the first time ( only with a more tenacious OW this time - one he KNEW i was threatened by)

I just knew i didn't have the hard work in me that it takes to attempt to R with an unwilling guy once again. That even if i made it through this time, there would be another. It was a never ending wheel. During this internal debate, i looked into his eyes as i begged to save our marriage and i saw no love there at all. It was almost like a physical slap.

I still picked me danced a while, even after the divorce, but it was enough to at least get me divorced during the dance. Head first, heart eventually caught up.

KandKareover posted 6/7/2018 18:35 PM

I knew D was the answer before I ever got married. I've always known that for me, that's just a line you can never uncross. And I know me, I would never trust him again, never respect him again, and I'd take every chance I got to throw it in his face. What kind of life would that be? So D was the answer for me the INSTANT I found out. I filed and our divorce was final in 17 days. Anchor released!

CurseBreaker posted 6/26/2018 21:49 PM

I realized I was done when STBXWH admitted that he went back to OLD less than 24 hours after D-day #2. (Long story short- We fought, I went to my mother’s for the night & he started trying to sniff out a new partner.) I found out 6 days later, and was like “yep, I’m DONE.” We still had one MC appointment left, so we went and I had the pleasure of watching STBXWH admit he couldn’t be monogamous and didn’t want to be married (in my confines of one and only for life). I got the privilege of being the one to say “I want a divorce” thankfully.

Also, the lack of apologies:remorse for affair # 2,3,4 and OLD we mere nails in the coffin.

BrokenheartedUK posted 6/27/2018 08:30 AM

As a condition of R, I had three requirements: no more lying, no contact with the OW, no further affairs would be tolerated.

After 13 months of MC, twice a week IC for me, and countless discussions about the A, I scanned my Ex's phone with a Dr. Fone program and discovered that he had violated NC, that he had written her letters "letting her down gently," that the OW had known some things about the children before I had heard them, that he had arranged to meet with her for a drink at work related event, that he would arrange to call her before MC sessions, that he looked me in the eye countless times and swore on his children's lives that he hadn't heard from her... and I was well and truly done with the marriage. Done.

In short, when I discovered that he had violated every single of my R requirements, I knew that the marriage was beyond redemption. And quite honestly, the relief I felt was so profound, that I never really looked back. I did everything I possibly could and I feel good about that. But there was absolutely no way I could continue to be married to someone with no regard for my feelings. And once I had proof of that in the form of undeleted texts, well, that was the end.

Txquail posted 6/27/2018 13:56 PM

The day I found out she had sex with another man.

I view this as a threat against my health. She could have brought home HIV or any bad STDs. Plus the deceit and lies were a deal breaker.

If someone pointed a gun at you and pulled the trigger to play russian roulette, would you stay??? I view cheating the same way.

I filled the for D the same week.

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