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I never received an apology

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Ozbetrayed posted 6/18/2018 02:36 AM

It's been about a year since DDay. It was the atomic bomb that blew up my otherwise perfect life and 17 year relationship.

Our marriage wasn't bad, like many of us, it may have gone a little stale, but was otherwise just a normal busy marriage with 2 working parents and 2 young kids.

My STBXWW was never really remorseful for what she did. She literally only apologised twice, once was when she was caught and the second was when she was essentially bullied into it by our MC.

She never put in an effort to fix our marriage or to help me deal with the grief and awful emotional roller-coaster that I went through and am still going through.

Although I tried to reconcile, I have definitely come to realise that we never would have been able to reconcile, even if she did everything that I wanted/needed.

12 months on, I'm still angry and hurt by it all. Once I left her, she formally re-partnered with the AP. Despite her promises she never gave up the affair and ultimately Dday2 was the line in the sand.

My mind is really messed up at the moment. On one hand, I want her to understand all the pain and heartbreak she caused and to genuinely apologise. I don't think she understands how bad it is being a BS. I don't think she would even comprehend 10% of it.
On the other hand, I know an apology wouldn't change anything. I guess to me, you can smash a plate and the apologise to it, but at the end of the day, it's still a smashed plate. Nothing changes that.

Certainly the pain I felt 12 months ago was a lot more intense than the pain I feel now, however I'd be lucky to go a day without thinking about the A. I wish it didn't consume me as much as it does.
I read a post today about someone who was 13 years out from Dday and still discusses the A with her WH occasionally.

I have moved on and found someone new, someone amazing. She knows my past and is very supportive.
I guess I don't want the affair to define the rest of my life. I feel like I would get some closure if my XWW genuinely was sorry and expressed this, but somehow I don't think it will ever come.

mike7 posted 6/18/2018 06:07 AM

you won't get one friend. people who are as selfish as your xw is, don't like to apologize. They hold desperately to the notion that you are the bad person, not them. for people like her, karma will definitely hit. But she probably won't be humble enough or self-aware enough to recognize it. It will be someone else's fault.

you got out. You've got a good life ahead of you. That's really the best. good luck.

Northerngal posted 6/18/2018 06:39 AM

There will never be an apology - and if you did get one, youíd torture yourself about whether she meant it truly or not. I think in my experience with the disordered, this has been the toughest lesson to learn, but the mos5 valuable. You are seeing this situation thru YOUR eyes (naturally) and morals. If you hurt someone, youíd fall over yourself apologizing. So it seems logical you would get an apology. Thereís no logic here.

Outside of the affair, it was my mil who taught me this. The hard way. 30 years of her telling me she loved me, I was family etc. I was cast aside by her so quickly I couldnít see straight. No one else did that. You can teach a parrot to say I love you, but it doesnít mean they feel it - they make those sounds with their mouth/beak and people fall over themselves saying ďawĒ and giving them treats. They have learned how to ge5 what they want by forming the right sounds. This is how I view these people. There is nothing to be gained for them by apologizing - weíve been cast aside, theyíre finished with us, we are like a buzzing fly annoying them. The one who cares less wins. Good luck.

Northerngal posted 6/18/2018 06:39 AM

Double post

[This message edited by Northerngal at 6:49 AM, June 18th (Monday)]

Simplicity posted 6/18/2018 07:58 AM

My STBX has tried a couple of times to apologize, but they have always been lackluster and fall flat. Mostly because his apologies lack an understanding of the actual pain he had caused. Often the apology completely lacks him taking responsibility, and somehow makes him into one sorry victim instead.

I will accept an apology of cash. Lots of it. And then complete NC afterwards.

Nycountrystrong posted 6/18/2018 10:02 AM

The majority of B.S's here never seem to get a true apology. Those who did, it seems to be years and years before their WS truly got the damage and heartache they caused.

Most of the times the apology seems to be more of them regretting that their life changes in unforseen ways for them after the seperation/ divorce.

I think its easier for them to justify their actions if they can keep painting you as the villain in their stories. Admitting fault, and apologizing for their actions would mean admitting they did something wrong. That something in them was broken, leading to their causing all this heartache.

Regret.... I've seen it. True remorse.. it seems to be a lot rarer.

I personally had to reach the point where I made peace with the fact I would never get a true apology from my XW. She will never more than regret getting caught and having her cake eating interrupted.

I'm divorced, and I'm doing my best to move on and build a new life with a new person. Putting my XW in my rearview, and refusing to let the unanswered questions eat me up are my goals now. I refuse to let her actions skew me to where I don't seek the happiness that everyone deserves.

I am taking my lessons learned into account. I am more aware of the actions of others. I recognize red flags quicker, and am more cautious to trust someone. But I still reach out.

Thats our true revenge on those who wronged us. To not let their actions keep us from finding happiness. To move on and be happy with what life gives us.

Good luck in your new start and new relationship. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

StrongerEverday posted 6/18/2018 10:49 AM

I am feeling you on the anger piece right now. Amazing how it can come up out of nowhere! I think the others here are right...even if we receive an apology, itís not the kind of apology that really matters. My ex did a LOT of apologizing. For the longest time I didnít understand why it didnít help. Then I realized that the actions didnít match the apology.

She doesnít deserve you. These WSís certainly donít deserve our emotions. Slowly but surely Iím learning to change my thoughts (CBT and EMDR have helped me a lot). See her for who she is? Thatís the easy part. Seeing yourself for who you are? Thatís the hard part. Because you are good and kind and faithful and somehow we struggle to give ourselves that credit, which makes us strong enough to become meh about them.

suckstobeme posted 6/18/2018 12:24 PM

I don't think a real apology ever comes from an ex who still has those wayward characteristics. I'm almost 8 years out and I never got a sincere apology for his actions. He humiliated me, lied to me, stole from me, and emotionally destroyed me and our kids. I think he's tried in his own f-ed up way to say sorry, but it never rises to the level of even a mediocre apology. As pathetic as it sounds, I think that's all he has in the tank.

That was really hard for me for a long time. It was hard to accept that someone ... my family ... could do that and not even think to apologize. I agree with the prior poster who said that our rational, non-personality disordered brains see the apology as the very least someone could do in that situation. They see it as an admission of wrong-doing. They see it as shameful and the last thing they want to do is bring on more guilt or shame.

At this point, I've accepted it and have gained "closure" from my own healing. I don't have to know or understand everything in order to accept and move on. I just have to know that it happened and that it's never going to change. The why, the how, the details about how he feels about it - those things don't matter anymore.

I have to say too that, all these years later, an apology would now seem like a joke. It would be empty to me. Like, he didn't have the balls to do it when I was so raw and upset; waiting until I'm firmly in "meh" is a cop out.

A long time ago, I accused him of not talking to me and essentially ignoring my presence because he doesn't really want to look at me or else he would have to remember me. He would have to remember who I really am and that would blast apart the picture in his mind of the me that was nothing but an asexual roommate who stood in the way of his real happiness for years. He actually admitted that he does that. He avoids me because it's just easier that way. My IC always used to tell me that the BS and the kids are the emotional mirrors to a wayward. They don't like looking back at us.

Who knows what really goes on in the mind of a wayward, especially an ex wayward. You just need to internalize that her shitty behavior and callous treatment had nothing to do with you. I know, easier said than done, but it's true. She is a broken weakling with very flawed values, morals and judgment. People like that have no clue how to navigate in the real world. Good riddance to her. Find your own closure and move on with your new partner.

Phoenix1 posted 6/18/2018 12:58 PM

Unfortunately, any apology you get, at this point, will be anticlimactic, and likely just as superficial as her previous ones. Instead of hanging onto hope for such an occurrence, learn to just accept it for what it is and move on from there. That way you will never be disappointed.

In my Xhole's case, he finally apologized after we were divorced. But I knew he really didn't mean it, deep down. He truly doesn't think he did anything wrong. Hence, no need to apologize. His apology was just because he thought it is what I wanted to hear. Words. Meaningless words. If it hadn't been uttered under some horrific family events happening at the time (great timing on his part ), I would have truly laughed in his face at the shallowness of it all.

And now that he has "apologized" he thinks we should be friends because, well, let bygones be bygones, right?

Please work on getting past the need for an apology. It won't be as "freeing" as you think. What is truly liberating is having them out of our lives and living a life well lived in spite of them. But I do understand your need for it. I think we've all been there at some point.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 6/18/2018 13:11 PM

I got lots of apologies, they didn't mean a thing then, and even less now that I know they are back together.

Lawyerman posted 6/18/2018 17:05 PM

All my WW's friends tell her she is amazing. She NEEDS to feel AMAZING. Then it's all OK. So if she is so amazing, why is she worried about losing me? Surely, if she is such a catch, there will be a queue?


Minnesota posted 6/18/2018 17:44 PM

I'm in agreement with everyone who said you probably won't get it, and if by some chance you do, it might not be what you want anyway.

You said you felt like you need closure. You have to create your own. I've been D'd for almost two years now and it gets easier. I probably still think about it every day, but that's because I see or hear her every day because of the kid we have together. And the pain is almost non-existent. Sometimes it twinges me- but Knowing that I am moving on without someone that turns out did NOT share my values and morals and hopes and dreams is better for me than trying to compromise who I am to meld my soul with someone who isn't the one I want to meld with after all. (does that make sense?)

You are free. Be free.

Cacatlady posted 6/19/2018 01:19 AM

I agree with all of the above. You want the apology so you know that she knows she did something wrong. But it will be hollow. Before my STBXH left, I asked him what was going on in his head because we didnít talk much. I told him he hadnít even tried to apologize (that was all I was looking for) and he did. He also took full responsibility. I believed him because I did nothing to deserve this.

Let go of the need. It will hold you back from healing and moving on. Good luck.

SuperDaddy1027 posted 6/19/2018 11:21 AM

Like others here....I did not receive an apology,......or remorse, or regret, or an explanation. For so long, I wanted an apology. But one day I woke up and said ďWhy am I waiting for this apology?Ē I don't need it for closure. I wanted it so I knew that she was aware of how much pain she put me through. But then I realized I wouldnít get that apology because:
1) By her apologizing, means she did something wrong. This woman has never admitted any wrong doing in the almost 12 uears I knew her.
2) She didnít experience what I experienced. So she will never understand the amount of pain she put me through (or care).

Once I accepted these 2 points. I was ready to move on. And remove her from my life as much as possible.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 11:22 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)]

LivingWithPain posted 6/19/2018 17:49 PM

You just have to come to accept the fact that the woman you married changed and became a different person. People do change. I never thought they did, but often times they do, and usually for the worse.

Skittlebug234 posted 6/19/2018 20:05 PM

I also never received one....Of course if he were to apologize it would mean he did something wrong, which is impossible. Iím actually coming to realize that his inability to apologize has been a common thread in our relationship- only now I see it on a bigger scale, for the biggest possible offense. So many times he has said hurtful things to me, or just been down right rude, took out his anger on me but never apologized. Itís just clearer to see this as a trait now that he couldnít even apologize for destroying our marriage and our family.

TrustGone posted 6/19/2018 23:37 PM

You probably will never get a true apology. XWH#2 said he was so sorry all the time during R attempt, but he was still seeing the OW.

I had a dream the other night that he did send me a letter apologizing. Even in my dream I knew he wasn't sorry in the least and I threw it in the trash where it belonged.

Don't wait for an apology to get closure. Instead work on getting to indifference. XWH#1 did give me an apology 13yrs after the D. He even said he didn't blame me he would have D'd him too. I already had closure so it really didn't mean anything.

keptmyword posted 6/20/2018 02:27 AM

I want her to understand all the pain and heartbreak she caused and to genuinely apologise.

You donít need an apology.

You just need to get out of this womanís world of infidelity.

BSisRight posted 6/20/2018 11:09 AM

Ya I wanted this badly for about 6 months after D-Day. It never showed up.

I just wanted him to show SOME admission that he effed up to epic proportions. And that it was unfair and a horrid, horrid way for him to behave.

Alas, never came. And had it happened I don't know what I would've done with it, to be honest. I would never reconcile. Soooo.....I guess I just wanted (and still do want, frankly) for him to feel SHAME. REMORSE. PAIN.

Not gonna happen so now I say MEH and continue my path of minimal contact and angry conversations to myself in my car as to what I would say to him if I had the chance.

SuperDaddy1027 posted 6/20/2018 11:38 AM

...angry conversations to myself in my car as to what I would say to him if I had the chance.

LMAO! I do this all the time. But Iím relieved to hear Iím not the only one. I can only imagine what people on the road think when they see me arguing ďwith myselfĒ in my car. LOL

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