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Are Wayward Wives More Remorseful?

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pinkpggy posted 6/27/2018 11:44 AM

I see and read a lot of posts and most of the Waywards that reply are female. I would say maybe this is because as women, we are more forthcoming, and communicative, but then I see a lot of BH posting within the forums (aside from Wayward).

The few posts I've read from honest WH have been very eye opening for me, but it seems like they post once or twice, confess and never come back.

I've often thought as a WW it has been harder to reconcile,it is more of an uphill battle to reconnect with a BH.

Maybe WH don't feel the need for this forum. I know it has been useful for me and I would love to hear more from successfully reconciled WH, and also their (honest) views on why the felt they had the affair and what led them there.

Or maybe I am way off base and there is enough remorse to go around.

BlueSprinkles posted 6/27/2018 12:05 PM

I think it's a societal expectation or conditioning for women to be more forthcoming. I think men are generally either taught or have it implied that they should be do-ers and not talkers. I read a stat that men still have affairs at higher rates than women but yet, like you said, this is a female majority board. So I think that when you have a WH, he may think that his actions are what he needs to focus on and he isn't as likely to talk about himself. He did something or created this problem so he's going to "do" something about it. On the JFO board, on the other hand, there isn't action to be taken because he's been blindsided so he's looking for input. I think that since men are do-ers and problem solvers a BH may be at a loss if there isn't a clear path of what needs to be done and they're looking for input from others.
Or perhaps there are just as many males but they choose to read whereas more women choose to contribute.

[This message edited by BlueSprinkles at 12:13 PM, June 27th (Wednesday)]

Txquail posted 6/27/2018 13:22 PM

No stop sign.

Answer No.

Cheating Wives are just like Cheating husbands.

In most cases they REGRET getting caught.

Then they get upset about how hard it is to work on the marriage and all the new boundaries/restrictions placed on them.

[This message edited by Txquail at 1:23 PM, June 27th (Wednesday)]

FoenixRising posted 6/27/2018 13:42 PM

Great post pink! I am interested too!!! Following! =)

breatheme posted 6/27/2018 14:00 PM

From my experience, no. But I've only had the one WW and I've not been married to a WH. ; )

I think any generalization like this is flawed. Everyone is different. But I;ve been told that there are some patterns to gender and compartmentalizing.

Many counselors and books have suggested to me that men are better at compartmentalizing. This might lead to guys ending an affair and thinking "OK, that's done, let's move on." That's in one box, my wife is in another box. Why would I think those two things intertwine? That's an oversimplification, but you get the idea, I hope.

From books and counselors, women don't compartmentalize as well so the affair is wrapped up in the reconciliation which wrapped up in the marriage which is wrapped up the affair. There's no separating the two so that one continues, they all continue in some way.

My WW was pretty good at compartmentalizing. I was not the love interest and AP was. Pretty straight forward.

numb&dumb posted 6/27/2018 14:00 PM

I've often thought as a WW it has been harder to reconcile,it is more of an uphill battle to reconnect with a BH.

Can you expand on that more ? For the WW or the BH ? Both ?

Rideitout posted 6/27/2018 14:13 PM

This is all IMHO..

WH's motivation is more straight forward. The primary goal of most WH's seems to be "how do I stop chasing skirts". It's not "I'm broken" or "how could I do this". We all (men) kind of know how they could do this, and, if they are broken, so are most of us. Because I get it. I totally understand how a WH operates because I can see that in myself, and it's real dead simple. I know people disagree with me, but, in my eyes, the "work" a WH needs to do is "stop sticking my d**k where it doesn't belong". And I think that a lot of WH's come out of an A pretty much OK except for the damage they caused to their M. They don't have this overwhelming sense of guilt, or the sense of loss that a lot of WW's seem to get. They also don't have all these "why" questions; the why is "I like sex". The deeper "why" is only "why am I such a s**t that does this to my wife" it's not the "who am I" questions that a lot of WW's seem to struggle with.

IMHO, a lot of WW's throw away their marriage for something that's not even that valuable to them. It would be like me sitting around writing poetry to a AP, blowing up my marriage when my wife read it all, and realizing at the end of it, I don't even really like writing poetry. It's not that important to me, why did I blow up everything to do it? I'd spend a lot of time ruminating on that question, and I think that's where a lot of WW's wind up. They destroyed or damaged something very valuable to them (their M) for something that's not very valuable to them (sex). And that's a hard thing to accept, how do you throw away something you cherish for "no reason"? Of course, there are reasons, but it's a lot less clear than it is for many WH's, again, in my opinion. They value sex highly, so throwing away their marriage for it, while a terrible trade, they are giving up something they value highly (their M) for something they value a lot (sex). It's a poor tradeoff, but one that's understandable if you place a lot of value on sex.

I honestly think a lot of women, after an A sit around and think "why the f**k did I do that". And some men do too, of course, but I think the clarity of "what this really was" hits women a lot harder then men. IMHO, men go into an A knowing what they are going to get and they are ready to make the trade. Women go into it thinking they are going to get something, not getting it and winding up with worse repercussions (men are more likely to D for an A). And I think a lot of the time is spent on the "why" that comes with the reflection of looking back and thinking "what was I thinking". Not that men don't do this too, but, in many cases, there's a silly but correct answer; "the little head was thinking".

Edited to add:

I've often thought as a WW it has been harder to reconcile,it is more of an uphill battle to reconnect with a BH.

That's not your thought alone. Statistics back you up, a cheating wife is about 2X as likely to wind up D'ed than a cheating husband. Lots of reasons for this, some of them terribly sexist, but, what your guessing/feeling is, in fact, true. It's a much bigger uphill battle for women to R than men, speaking in general terms.

[This message edited by Rideitout at 2:15 PM, June 27th (Wednesday)]

xhz700 posted 6/27/2018 14:53 PM

This is confirmation bias. You remember what applies to you better than you remember doesn't.

Trying2copeinMD posted 6/27/2018 15:03 PM

This is one of those incredibly powerful, yet divisive type questions. in order to ask it, there has to be a lot of sweeping generalizations about men and women and how they handle infidelity at its core.

I'm a BH, so please understand that my answer is heavily distorted by my own View of my own situation.

I believe the typically men don't like to ask for help. I know this is my case in particular. I don't really engage in social media, and the only real places that I chat our specialized boards, such as cars, MMA, professional type forums (I'm a professional nerd by trade). I'm sure that I'm not all that atypical in how I handle Facebook, Twitter,ect. It's just not my thing.

For me, to come on to this board initially and tell everyone that I am totally lost, my life is a mess, and I'm shattered was a huge step. It was hard to admit, but I needed help and more than just once a week for an hour with a counselor.

With that mindset, if the tables were turned and I was the one who actually cheated, I'm not so sure that I would have asked for the help. as was previously stated, and probably a whole lot more eloquently than I can put it, I think men look at their own infidelity as a problem. If I stop what I'm doing, the problem is solved. If my car has a flat tire, I just get my happy ass out of my driver seat and change the damn thing. I don't investigate why the tire was flat, I don't try to analyze my driving habits, or anything that really contributed to it. I change it, probably cuss a little bit, and move on with my life.

I feel that women are a whole lot more introspective than men. Again, my generalized statements. Women want to understand why and how something went wrong in their life. They want to understand where things went wrong, they want to understand their own weaknesses. Women in my opinion, want to discuss things, seek advice, Maybe validate their own feelings, Etc. Not all women I'm sure, but again with the sweeping generalizations.

I also think that Society has a big part to do in a woman's feelings of inadequacy, especially around infidelity. Women are viewed as The Gatekeepers of sex. They are the ones that control when and how often under normal circumstances. Think about it, you go to a club and guys are trying to get with the women. It's typically not the other way around. Society also has the truly deplorable terms for women who don't guard thier sexuality very well. Easiest way to explain this is, if a man's organ is a key, and a woman's is a lock. If I have a key that opens many locks, I have a master key. People wish that they had a master key. If a woman has a lock that can be opened by many keys, that lock is considered defective. It's sad, but that is a society that we live in.

Women are also the ones who are stereotypically pushing for marriage. Not always, but, how many grooms magazines have you seen on the shelves at your local bookstore? Modern Groom? Nope. Have you ever seen a show on TV "Say yes to the Tux"? Neither have I. Lol

I believe that when a woman commits adultery, she does view herself as broken. Not all the time, there's reasons for everything. I would say the general consensus is that there is a lot of regret and remorse down the road. I think that women reach out hoping to make sense of where they made they're terrible choices. I think for women, in order for them to cheat, they typically have an emotional connection with their partner who they have the affair with. The connection is the goal. For men, I think the total opposite is what happens. Men are thinking about sex. They do what they have to, and say whatever gets them to their goal. I'm not saying that a guy doesn't start catching feelings, but that's not the initial goal; to form an emotional bond. I think a guy can separate the two very easily. I don't know if women are as easily able to do that.

I hope you understood what I meant, and please forgive me for my ramblings. Also, please forgive me for the generalizations. I am not trying to trigger anyone, or make anyone feel worse about their current situation. I came here is someone who is broken and shattered. I'm sure a lot of you have done the same. I personally do really appreciate the WWs that post on here. You have each given me little pieces of insight into my own plight, and I will forever be grateful for that.

GoldenR posted 6/27/2018 15:08 PM

I think that yes, there are more remorseful WWs.

It seems that there are more "he did it again" stories here than there are "she did it again" stories.

Lucky77 posted 6/27/2018 15:11 PM

One thing I see with WW's vs WH's is that I find the women are likely to look back on the A with disgust for both what they did and for the AP. They look at and report that they'd never do that again in a million years. I look back on my A differently. I did it. It was me. I had an adulterous relationship with a W. I'm owning it and looking back on it not with disgust. I don't look back at her with disgust. I try and hold it up to the light and remember the A. My AP was really wild and crazy. I was drawn to that. She sure knew how to feed me a line and give me the kibbles. She was funny. Though she attacked my marriage, I don't hate her. I was drawn to her bigtime.

So I'm not disgusted by the A. I'll never go back to it. Hopefully. God willling. But I find it valuable to really own my behavior and look myself in the mirror that I was not abducted by and alien on my way to the A. I did it myself.

foreverlabeled posted 6/27/2018 15:25 PM

Nope, I really don't think so. The balance here favors women heavily therefore we see the difference.

And I really don't think it has anything to do with remorse. Plenty of the women here posting in R with a remorseful WH. I'd say if their WHs were posting regularly it would even it out a bit. Still, not posting doesn't equal lack of remorse.

If you are basing your opinion of WWs being more remorseful than WHs solely on the demographic of SI, well I just don't think you can.

Butforthegrace posted 6/27/2018 15:49 PM

PP: I've wondered the same thing. Reading wayward posts, I've tried to envision myself in the role of a WH, trying to help my BW heal. But you don't see that many posts by WH here, for sure.

pinkpggy posted 6/27/2018 15:50 PM

I have a lot of thoughts and theories but I am too tired right now to type it all out. Maybe tomorrow.

I do think societal norms play a role in it. I also think marital situations, and the woman's role in the marriage and at home (kids) play a role into the remorse. Many women rely on their husbands, this goes for betrayed wives too. Some need to look the other way because they need the husband financially.

My husband does not want me to stay because he is my meal ticket. I've worked hard the past year to secure myself professionally/financially to prove to him this is not the reason for my remorse/desire to stay. I enjoy contributing to our household,as a WW this is one way I show my remorse and desire to make it up to my husband.

EvolvingSoul posted 6/27/2018 16:03 PM

Doh, wrong forum.

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 4:03 PM, June 27th (Wednesday)]

Ripped62 posted 6/28/2018 04:39 AM

The answer is NO. This is a generalization without fact. Perception based on information on posts in this forum does not represent fact. Please provide hard data. Also, how are you measuring remorse?

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 6/28/2018 05:48 AM

I want to say from a moderator standpoint that this thread, including the opening post is just chock full of generalizations. All of the responses here are opinions and observations and not facts with statistical research.

From a member standpoint, I think its sad that so many that have posted here, including men, are painting men to be such 2 dimensional characters. Over the years that I have been here, there have been very remorseful WHs that have done the hard work to get through infidelity. If the Forum feels female heavy, its not indicative of remorse. There have been plenty of female members that come here not getting it and have limited understanding of the pain that infidelity causes and the real work it takes to heal from it.

The longer you stay, the more you will see that the pendulum will swing all over the boards.

How does this question impact your own journey?

pinkpggy posted 6/28/2018 07:07 AM

It's just a question. I don't spend every second of every day dwelling on my journey by way of this forum.

What prompted it was I read another post where someone said the majority of WW seem to be more remorseful and willing to put the work in towards reconciliation. I would love to read more on the process of healing from a WH. Many seem to post here and confess and vanish (in the time I have been here). Reading the thought process of BH here has helped me immensely to understand what my own husband is going through.

Rideitout posted 6/28/2018 07:53 AM

From a member standpoint, I think its sad that so many that have posted here, including men, are painting men to be such 2 dimensional characters.

I paint the character that I am. I know that a lot of people want the answers to be something else, they want to think that it's not simple, it's complicated, difficult to understand and therefore can be excused in some way. It's just not that for me. It never has been; my sexual motivations are barely 2 dimensional, let alone 3. I like it, it feels good, it makes me feel good. That's pretty much the beginning and end of it. And more sex is better than less sex; that pretty much sums up the grand total motivation of the WH's that I know personally. Yes, they could be lying. They could be these deep/complex men who are deeply conflicted and riddled with foo issues. Or they could be telling the truth, they like sex, and they wanted more of it than they got at home and didn't care about anyone but themselves and went out and got it. I have no reason to believe that's not true, because, for me, that totally encompasses the reason I'd have to pursuing an A. Are other men different? I'm sure they are. Some men are very emotionally driven. Some men are having exit affairs. Some men are dealing with CSA and that's being played out in their adult sexual behavior. But those aren't the men I know, and that's not me. And that's all I can relate for personal or 2nd hand experience.

islesguy posted 6/28/2018 08:15 AM

pinkpggy,

I don't think it is that women are more remorseful because I am very remorseful but from my personal experience I have had a more difficult time showing empathy which makes it appear like I am less remorseful. I don't want to generalize but my feeling is that on average men have a more difficult time with empathy.

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