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Where do I go from here? Separated.

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FamilyMan75 posted 8/5/2018 16:02 PM

Five weeks ago my wife have separated after moving back to our hometown.

I met my wife almost fourteen years at a strip club. I had broken up with my long-term girlfriend and just wanted to go out and have a good time. I met my wife when she worked as a stripper. She approached me and we talked. She was bold and her personality attracted me to her. I threw her a twenty, with my number on it and continued my night with the guys I came here with.

She texted me the next morning, and throughout the next few days we talked. I got the courage to ask her out on a date. I wanted to know more about her and wanted to treat her to a nice restaurant. WE had a great time, and then I asked her if she wanted to date. She said yes. Shortly after she quit her job as a stripper and got a job as a waitress.

After being together for a year, a customer I had noticed was always there when I visited her at work approached me and said that he and my wife were having an affair. I confronted my wife who said it was true. She started crying apologizing. She said she ended when he wanted more from her, and that he got mad and told me. I asked her if she intended on telling me? She said she hadn't.

I broke up with her. In a two-week period, I ignored her texts. She sent a few short texts saying she was sorry and that she loved me. I did end up replying to her texts, and we texted for a week before I finally asked to meet her to talk. She admitted to having a six month emotional and physical affair with the guy. Her story pretty much matched what the guy said happened. A lot of flirting and sex. She ended because she wanted to be more than just sex buddies and she in her words wanted to stay with me. So we got back together. I feel like an idiot now taking her back.

A few months later she moved in with me and quit her job as the waitress. After a month she became depressed, staying at home all day, and eventually she went out and got a new job. I was working a lot of hours opposite to when she was working so we didn't get to spend a lot of time with one another. She seemed upbeat and happy when we did get time. She texted me all day long, and would bring me lunch. After a few months of working there, one evening she approached me, crying, and she admitted to me that she was falling for her co-worker. That she, him and a few other co-workers began to hang out before work, and that she was starting to fall for the guy and didn't want it to go any further. I told her to quit her job which she did. She went no contact.

Things were going well for us when I found out she was pregnant with our eldest daughter. Fast forward to our 2nd anniversary of being a couple I asked her to marry me and she said yes. When she was eight months pregnant, we moved twelve hours away to a new city after I accepted a better paying job. A few months after our daughter was born we got married.

The first year of my daughter's life, my wife was depressed. There were times I doubted her ability to care for our daughter while I was at work. She was not her bubbly self, wanted to sleep all day. She just barely managed to keep the household running. After almost a year of this, I told her she needed to see a doctor. She was diagnosed with unresolved postpartum depression and was put on medication. A few months later she was back to her old self.

She also wanted to do something with her life. By our third wedding anniversary, she graduated with a grade twelve and began working full time as a secretary for an accounting firm. She began to work a lot of overtime and took on some extra training that the company paid for. When she was at home, we spent a lot of time together as a family. She was happy.

After a year of that, things slowed down, with occasional overtime for her. Then two years later my life came crashing down. While I was planning a getaway for my wife and I six-year anniversary, a former co-worker approached me. I honestly said this can't be happening. He told me about an affair my wife was having with her boss.

I told my wife she knew and I told her to quit her job. She told me no. She said she was finally happy, and that she wanted a divorce. That we could share custody of our daughter and that I could be free to go find someone who would treat me right. She said that she didn't want to quit her job and wasn't sure she wanted to stay married.

I made an anonymous report to the other man's boss about him having inappropriate relationships with female staff. A few weeks later, he transferred. I begged my wife for another chance and asked if we could attend marriage counseling which she agreed. It last a few months until we just stopped going. We never talked about the affair and she just openly started become more affectionate toward me.

Shortly after being married for seven years we started planning for a baby. I hadn't always wanted to have another baby and to give my eldest daughter a sibling. After some infertility issues in early May 2017, she found out she was pregnant. I was there for her, pampered her. She gave birth in January of this year. I noticed my wife pulling away shortly after the birth. I thought maybe she was depressed. She went back to work almost immediately. In May out of the blue, she asked me for a divorce. I kept asking her why. She told me she wasn't happy. I asked her if there was someone else; she said no. I told her I didn't want a divorce. I was bent on finding out what she was hiding.

A few weeks later, she found a babysitter for our daughter's and told me we needed to talk. She told her ex-boss transferred back to her company. This was around the time I was having surgery to deal with my infertility. They started back up with the affair. Then she just went out and said I wasn't the biological father of our daughter. That she had a private DNA test done, and her boss is the father.

I confronted the man in the parking lot of the company where both and my wife worked. It resulted in them both getting fired. While I'm a failure in my personal life, I used my resources and to date; I don't think the man has found a job. I told his wife about everything and she has filed for divorce. I refuse to let that piece of shit take my daughter away from me too.

I transferred to our hometown, and we packed up and moved. My wife went ahead and rented her own apartment saying she didn't want to remain married anymore. So we have been each taking turns taking our two daughter's every two days.

A few weeks ago, my wife found out she was pregnant. During this whole mess, we maintained a sexual relationship as I still had needs. I asked her if it was her boss's as well. She said no that she stopped all contact with him after I got them both fired. He had texted my wife threatening to take the baby away. She still claims she wants to divorce.

My sister recently approached me asking about the baby's paternity. I asked her what she meant. She said that our mother suspects that the baby isn't mine. The more I look at her, it's pretty obvious. I have dark hair and brown eyes, my wife has brown hair and blue eyes. The baby has red hair and blue eyes. I told her she was delusional. It's only a matter of time before the truth comes out.

It's a huge mess. My wife is in counseling now, and it's obvious she has no idea what the fuck she wants. I want my family together and just coming to terms that our marriage is all based on a lie. I'm depressed. Everything I want and cherish is gone. My children will come from a broken home. I might not be able to prevent the piece of shit from having a relationship with my daughter. I'm so broken, so depressed and just don't know what to do.

TheGuy123 posted 8/5/2018 16:41 PM

What you need to understand is you need to get emotionally healthy for your self and then be there for your child.

They say put the oxygen mask on first then put one on your child.

Once your start taking care of your self and stay away from this toxic women then you can focus on being the father you want to be.

Once you find the tools to fix your self then you can go out and find a women that is also emotionally healthy and LOYAL....a women that will make a great step mom to your daughter.

Once you step back and focus on healing YOU then you can build a real family with your daughter and a real women with self respect and morals.

Sorry man but your current chick is just bringing out the worst in you and your kid does not deserve that.
Lets face it...your kid already has a screwed up mom and most likely screwed up half siblings at the very least she can have an emotionally healthy dad.

Please step back get out of this and work on your self with some help and heal....if you want to get better you have to think about your self and work on your self while distancing your self from the toxic women.

GoldenR posted 8/5/2018 16:43 PM

You're married to a serial cheater. You deserve better. To deserve someone that will treat you right.

That said, If you want your family you have to be willing to lose it to keep it. File for D. Watch her do a complete turnaround bc you've taken the power back. If your wife can prove she's worthy, you can stop the D. If she doesn't, then you let it go thru and move on.

TheGuy123 posted 8/5/2018 16:53 PM

You have to come to terms that your WW is a serial cheater and will always will be a serial can't control this.

You can only control you and what you will tolerate.

If I was you I would get a lawyer, get your name off the birth cert.of the other two kids and divorce.

Something tells me you will be a happier father once this toxic women and all her babies daddies are out of the picture.

You can choose your path to happiness or you can stick around a be miserable with 5-6 kids and only half of them being yours.

At the very least get divorced so your old lady can stop putting your name on another two or three more birth certificates.
You do realize as long as your married no matter who the bio father is that the husband is automaticly the father and is financial responsible.

Ten years from now and a half a dozen kids later you will not be in a good place, you'll have a cheating wife and a bunch of kids that aren't even yours.

TheGuy123 posted 8/5/2018 17:06 PM

Stop thinking with your heart and protect your self by getting a lawyer.

I'm guessing you are young and have a lot of future in front of please look after your self so you can have a better future with you daughter.

BTW I suggest you DNA test your eldest have to make your wife see her actions have consequences and that even though you know your eldest is yours you can no longer trust a cheating wife.

GuyInColorado posted 8/5/2018 17:38 PM

Another doormat man doing the pick me dance, begging his cheating wife to stop banging other men and keep the family together. You only hurt yourself, making yourself look weak and the OM (Other Man) be the alpha. Sorry to be harsh, just trying to slap some common sense into you. Glad you found this place, I think you'll benefit greatly. The advice you'll get might seem harsh, but everyone here has been in your shoes and knows how this movie ends. File for Divorce. This woman is not R (Reconciliation) material. You can survive a divorce and co-parent. Hell, doesn't seem like a mom that will fight you on full custody. Best to make a deal with her while she's in the fog of the affair. You can make out like a bandit with a good attorney!

Take control back. File for divorce and EXPOSE to everyone. No more keeping her dirty laundry a secret. Once you can openly talk about this with family and friends, a huge burden will be off you. Paternity tests for everyone.

It's now time to take ACTION. File for divorce tomorrow. She no longer deserves to hold the title as your "wife".

Props to you on getting them fired and telling the OM's wife! There is a lot of men on here that won't even do that because they are scared.

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 5:41 PM, August 5th (Sunday)]

Marz posted 8/5/2018 17:45 PM

The best predictor of the future is past history.

You are trying to save the unsavable. It will cost you dearly.

anoldlion posted 8/5/2018 18:59 PM

I wish what I'm about to say wasn't true but I sincerely believe it is. What you are hoping for and holding on to is not going to happen. I told someone today that there are some people who will cheat no matter what and some people that just don't need to be married. Your wife is both. She is not even trying to have a marriage. You are already raising one child that is not yours. Are you looking to support more. If you want to help support someone else's children then do what I do. Make donations to a children's home. Don't make your life miserable by being loyal to and supporting the cause of your misery. I do wish you well.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/5/2018 20:34 PM

I've been screwed by every woman I've been with. I was with my ex-girlfriend for eight years. We met while I was in college. She said she didn't want to get married or have children until after she was done grad school. I was twenty two, and she was nineteen when I met her, and she said she wanted these things too. I fast forward to a few months before I broke up with her. She told me she changed her mind. That she wanted to travel and just didn't want to be tied down. After talking with my sister and my dad, who both told me if I wanted these things I needed to break up with her so I did, or I would look back in ten years and regret my decision.

I didn't even expect things with my current wife to go this way. I kind of disconnected and then when I met her, she was young, and I just wanted to have fun. But I fell hard for her. She told me she wasn't sure what she wanted and wasn't going to promise me anything. I had spent so much time planning, that I felt being with someone who was spontaneous would be a great change of pace. Then the cheating began. I guess since I was successful in my career, maybe I could focus my energy on trying to save this relationship. Then she got pregnant, and I was so excited, so happy.

I fast forward to finding out my youngest daughter wasn't mine, and my wife was wanting to divorce. She had gone for legal consultation after we moved back to the state we moved from. We have to be separated for at least six months, and probably can't be divorced until she is no longer pregnant.

I had thought about the paternity of my oldest. I really do believe she is mine. But she is already almost eleven. There is no benefit of finding out either way. I've been in her life for eleven years, and we have a bond. I'll legally be responsible for her until she is eighteen, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize things.

As for the second daughter. We planned her, and I guess I just don't want to let her go. I don't want that piece of shit around her. I'm her dad. I've been there, and she at even seven months old smiles and knows me as dad. I know now would be the time to distant myself. Especially if the piece of shit tries to get involved. He doesn't have a job and besides a few texts to my wife, hasn't really decided to do much of anything. He's a state over, with his own shit to deal with.

The unborn baby I can't really do anything until he/she is born. It's out of my hands. I know that divorce is going to happen. My wife wants out. She told me she wasn't safe for me and that if I can't stand up for myself, then she'll do it for me. She accepts she is broken.

She had recently sent me a proposal of what she wants regarding the divorce and wanted to know what my feelings are. She wants 50-50 physical and legal custody, half the proceeds of our recently sold house, half our savings, spousal support for one year, and 1000.00 a month in child support and she doesn't want my pension. I had talked to a close friend who is a lawyer, and he told me I should accept the offer before she changes her mind. Because if she wanted too, she could go after half my pension while we were married and double what she is asking in spousal and child support.

I wish I could go to my family for advice, but I'm not ready for them to find out yet. I really don't want my daughter to be exposed to this shit show again. It's a mess.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 8:38 PM, August 5th (Sunday)]

Buster123 posted 8/5/2018 20:46 PM

Your wife is a serial cheater, she will never change, you haven't had a real marriage, do yourself a favor and file for D and RUN, don't look back.

pureheartkit posted 8/5/2018 21:04 PM

You always wanted the best for her. I know a counselor who helps people who are stripping and or adult actresses, etc. So many of these women are impulsive and have had sad events that led them to constantly seek attention. Many never had healthy relationships or family life.

You really tried and it's sad that for all your good will and effort she can't be satisfied with your M. The stress will continue until she understands it herself. There isn't anything you can do until she says enough. I'm sad for her because where will she end up if it continues. Even so, she isn't entitled to take you and the children with her on a wild ride of changing men.

You can still have a very good life full of joy and without the stress and drama. Your kids are young with the future ahead of them. You came to the right place for help. We want to see you strong and headed in a positive direction.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/5/2018 21:11 PM

I know a counselor who helps people who are stripping and or adult actresses, etc. So many of these women are impulsive and have had sad events that led them to constantly seek attention.

She had tough teenage years. She said she had decent parents but she was in an abusive relationship in high school. I won't go into any more detail, but it really screwed her up. She is now in counselling. She says that she can work on herself while she is still married to me. I do wish her the best.

Cooley2here posted 8/5/2018 21:11 PM

I donít know if you have ever used Google Earth where you can see the entire town/city where you live. You can also zoom down to your street. All of a sudden all you see is just the short view of what is in front of you. Those of us who do not have an emotional connection to you see all of it. We are up high enough to grasp just how huge your problem is. You can only see the pain in front of you.
My suggestion is for you to get notebook paper and magic markers. Sit at a table. Look at each thing she has done, or not done, and write each one on a separate piece of paper. Spread them out on the table and you will see what we see. Your marriage is on those pieces of paper.
Please look after yourself. It sounds like you have had a sad life since your marriage.

changeneeded posted 8/5/2018 22:02 PM

What a sad mess for you. I am sorry you must go through this painful time(s).

You're wife is treating you without a care in her body; she has this wonderful man, full of forgiveness, and she keeps stomping on that forgiveness with her high-heeled shoes.

I don't know when ( it's taken me more than a year) but you will "wake up" and realize that you do not deserve any of this, not a bit. You deserve someone who will love and cherish you, as you do yours.

Thank you, for being loving and kind to the children.

Surprised87 posted 8/5/2018 22:54 PM

I'd seek a lawyer. There is so much more than just infidelity here. I was in a similar situation last year where there was a possibility I wasn't the father of my wife's baby. Turns out I was, but it would have been a big mess if she wasn't. Since you have one child who isn't biological yours and your wife is pregnant with another baby. You don't want to be on the hook for possibly a second baby that isn't yours. Just something to think about.

OneLittleVictory posted 8/6/2018 07:42 AM

In addition to what others have said, I would point out that your first mistake was looking for a girlfriend in a strip club. Emotionally healthy women fit for dating or marriage who work as escorts or strippers or what have you are very, very, very rare, if they exist at all. They usually go through a lot of suffering, or abuse, or drug addiction; and have certain character deficiencies that lead them to where they are.

I agree with others that there really is no marriage to save. For the sake of your emotional health and sanity, you should divorce and just be the best father to your children that you possibly can.

Rulk posted 8/6/2018 08:36 AM

If she tries to go for child support on the kid that's not yours then sue her for paternity fraud. You say the pregnancy was planned, so she probably planned to have OM's kid.

Cooley2here posted 8/6/2018 09:20 AM

I hope this isnít too cruel.
This forum is to get you out of infidelity and for you to survive in a healthy, happy way.
So, here goes....
You are out of infidelity but you are not surviving. You are not seeing reality.
You reality is that she married you because A. She wanted your money and stability, B. She has a personality disorder which means her ability to love is not there, C. She was so glad to get out of stripping that she married too quickly and has never loved you. These are all horrible reasons to marry.
I think you were dazzled by a good looking woman who showed you attention.
We all get it. It is easy to fall in love. It is nearly impossible to stay in love if it is not reciprocated. She does not love you. She doesnít sound like she is capable of deep feelings.
I tell people I work with two important things. You canít change another person and you canít make them love you.
You need a bulldog for an attorney and therapy to see why you have continued to allow her to disrespect you.
You sound like a good guy who needs to give himself time to mourn, to get angry, to let go and move on.

GuyInColorado posted 8/6/2018 09:22 AM

She had recently sent me a proposal of what she wants regarding the divorce and wanted to know what my feelings are. She wants 50-50 physical and legal custody, half the proceeds of our recently sold house, half our savings, spousal support for one year, and 1000.00 a month in child support and she doesn't want my pension. I had talked to a close friend who is a lawyer, and he told me I should accept the offer before she changes her mind. Because if she wanted too, she could go after half my pension while we were married and double what she is asking in spousal and child support.

I'd offer her $500m in CS and no spousal support and call it good. I wish I only paid that much! haha. Do you have anything over her head you can use as "leverage"?

Damn, I'm pissed off for you. Have you found your anger yet? Get angry! It's time for war. Better days start today, get this lady out of your life. DNA the kids, all of them. Then expose. Time to be honest with your family and let them know. They will be a great support for you.

max2018 posted 8/6/2018 09:41 AM


you chose a waitress in a strip club to be your wife !!!!

what did expcet the result would be

she used you and abused you for along time

you need a dna for all your kids even the unborn one

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