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Where do I go from here? Separated.

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FamilyMan75 posted 9/12/2018 18:13 PM

Nothing you ever said or did, nothing you refrained from saying or doing... can cause someone else to cheat and lie.

I didn't really express what she meant by that clearly. She is not blaming me. She doesn't blame me for her cheating or for her issues. What she meant is, that she has her own issues and I have my own issues. I'm a doormat. There is no sugar coating that. And she is right. If I don't grow a backbone, whether or not we ultimately reconcile or not, it'll be a never ending cycle.

Whether or not there is some blame shifting or not, or whatever it is. She is right we can't go back to the way things were.

Also, I don't understand how divorcing then dating your ex-wife is a good idea. Either you reconcile or you divorce and move on.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 6:16 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

beenthereinco posted 9/12/2018 18:15 PM

This sounds like it is getting dangerously close to her affair was a good thing because it finally got you to be a better man for her. I really hope that you are happy and that she is safe for you but it is starting to sound like you are doing the pick-me dance and she is naming the tune.

ChamomileTea posted 9/12/2018 18:58 PM

I'm a doormat. There is no sugar coating that. And she is right. If I don't grow a backbone, whether or not we ultimately reconcile or not, it'll be a never ending cycle.

Sorry, but I'm gonna throw the bullshit flag on that. Wanting your family together, being a good person who sees the good in others (despite their GINORMOUS character defects) does NOT make you "a doormat". You have shown more grace than your WW deserves. And that's what it is... Grace. A gift. So, if she doesn't see that and appreciate it for what it is, she's still got a serious problem with her perspective.

You deserve to be valued for the goodness in your soul... and not to have it treated with contempt as if it were something bad.

Start there. Start with a no-tolerance policy for criticism when it comes to the wonderful empathy you show for others and to her in particular. Intimate betrayal beats us down and before we know it, our inner critic is going to town on our asses. But you are NOT obligated to agree with it. You've shown grace. You've shown an almost impossible degree of mercy. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.


FamilyMan75 posted 9/12/2018 20:15 PM

My own insecurities aren't her fault. I don't expect her to be perfect or there yet. I have done a ton of reading on this forum, and she is in a better place than some. I at least know where we stand. I have until March when my daughter is born to make a decision if reconcilation is possible. But I atleast know she wants to try.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 8:15 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

NoSelf posted 9/12/2018 21:05 PM

Congratulations, FM75! I know that you have been hoping for this result to the tests, and I am happy for you.

Buster123 posted 9/12/2018 21:28 PM

I don't expect her to be perfect or there yet. I have done a ton of reading on this forum, and she is in a better place than some. I at least know where we stand. I have until March when my daughter is born to make a decision if reconcilation is possible. But I atleast know she wants to try.

Really ? "she's in a better place than some", true but a more accurate statement would be that she's in a WORST place than most, she's an unremorseful SERIAL CHEATER who allowed herself to get pregnant and have OM's child/ren, you have more reason than most in this forum to D your WW, why would someone stay married to a serial cheater ? she's shown you time and time and time again she's not M material and keeps on betraying you, risking your life with STD's, seriously you're playing russian roulette by staying with her and you may not be so lucky in the future, you can do much better and deserve better than this but hey it's your life and ultimately your decision (and hers). Good luck especially if you decide to try to R with a proven not even remorseful serial cheater, you're certainly going to need it.

FamilyMan75 posted 9/12/2018 22:03 PM

I know the odds aren't in my favor but I just want to give it one last go. There is no contact with the other man, she didn't blame me for her cheating, didn't rewrite history. She has gotten herself a counselor and she attending SAA meetings. I didn't ask her to do this, she did this all on her own. I mean if that isn't enough to show that she is at least trying to work on herself, I don't know what is.

Butforthegrace posted 9/12/2018 23:06 PM

"At least trying to work on herself."

How many billion women in the world, yet with that ringing endorsement, and a history of shitting on your face, you choose her.

HopefulJourney posted 9/12/2018 23:29 PM

FM75, this is your journey. No one here gets a vote and Iím sorry some struggle with accepting your decision to R and hope you both do the hard work and make it through. It can be done, it is not easy, but is possible. I know others intentions come from a protective place, but my philosophy is that you only need to tell someone the truth once. Then itís their choice to do with it as they please. You do have people here who will support and stand by you. Even if you get burned again and come back broken, I wish you the best and hope things go your way. Take care

anoldlion posted 9/12/2018 23:32 PM

May I make a suggestion, sir. Remain the same compassionate, considerate and thoughtful man you have been in the past. But also step up and be the man that a marriage needs. No longer the doormat. Every man should love and provide for his family but not at the expense of being walked on and disrespected. Understand that most women want a man who is a man and not someone they can lord over. I once knew a very miserable, married man with 3 children, who told me he was number 5 in his wife's eyes. The children were number 1, 2, and 3. The dog was number 4 and he was 5. That is no life to live. I know if you R you will be very good and faithful to your wife and family. But, you must no longer allow your wife to be anything but good and faithful to you. If you do then you will be back here again with the same problems. You have that backbone you mentioned. All you have to do is use it. I do wish you well.

fareast posted 9/12/2018 23:42 PM

Good luck FM75. Itís your journey and I hope it works out for you. Iím glad the d.n.a. tests confirmed you are the father. I agree with Hopeful Journey that their are people here who will help and support you no matter what you decide. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. It really doesnít matter what other people think. Itís your journey.

FamilyMan75 posted 9/13/2018 01:50 AM

Either way, I can safely say at the end of the day I tried. I made a post in reconciliation.

oldtruck posted 9/13/2018 20:53 PM

There is no reason to wait for the baby to be born
before the birth to have a paternity test done.

pureheartkit posted 9/13/2018 22:22 PM

Congratulations on your baby!

May every day be better than the last. You both will find a way. People who really want to do.

Bigger posted 9/16/2018 19:26 PM

FamilyGuy

I get where you are at and where you are going. You will get your share of posters telling you your wife is a lost cause and that your best bet is to divorce. Maybe they are correct, but I get why you feel you need to see this through. You two wonít be the first to divorce due to infidelity, but you two wonít be the first to reconcile either. Both are fine options and they beat the dreaded third option. The one I want to warn you about.

I like to use this comparison. (HeckÖ I like it so much that anyone with over 12 months on this site is probably sick of it. But I still think it describes the situation in the best way that is accessible for those in these shoes. So there!)

Itís like you have lived an unhealthy life. Itís like you have added weight over the years and you always plan on doing something about it. You donít exercise but always plan on starting someday. You KNOW you should have fish or a salad for lunch, but always opt for the burger and fries. You know you should manage your finances, but always manage to settle or pay just before the collection agents visit again. Itís like you know you should get off the couch and clean the house or take a walk or read but instead you doze with one beer too many watching Jerry Springer or Friends re-runs. You know the cast-list on that series on Netflix better than you know the contents of the microwave-meal you just had. You know you should go to bed before midnight because you are always late and stressed in the morning. You know those cigarettes are going to kill you and you once again try to convince yourself that after this pack you might quitÖ

Thatís your marriage pre-infidelity. OK Ė so maybe not THAT bad, but things taken for granted, maybe a lack of focus, maybe a lack of communications, maybe things you lived with but didnít like. Maybe no one thing was totally bad, and maybe overall things were OK. But they could have been betterÖ

Then one day you feel a sharp pain down your left arm and next thing you know you are awake in the ICU at your hospital. Cardiac-arrest and the doctors and nurses are telling you how lucky you are to have survived.

Over the next few days a barrage of experts tells you what went wrong. Your diet, your physical condition, stress and maybe even your genes. They canít necessarily point to one single item and say THIS caused the cardiac arrest. But itís an accumulation of all sorts of things. Some within your reach to change, and others out of your reach. Sort of like the ďexpertsĒ (me included) are telling you here on SI.

That cardiac arrest was the infidelity. OK Ė Here is the weak part in this comparison because there is NO WAY anyone can blame YOU for ANYTHING that made your wife cheat. But there are factors that can make you a better husband. And if we look at husband and wife as one, then itís a bit like the brain or kidney absolving themselves of the damage caused by the heart.

You do some hard thinking.
You contact a dietician that gives you a list of books to read and offers you some diet-plans and courses.
You get a membership card at the local gym.
You get online access to all your accounts, tax returns and buy some fancy online budget app.
You decide to get off the couch and jog.
You buy the best quik-dry sports clothes and the neatest sneakers.

When you get home none of the above will do you any good without you using it correctly.

That membership card doesnít build your muscles or burn your fat by simply being in your wallet.

Those sneakers donít run by themselves.

If you are eating a chocolate-chip cookie while reading up on how to lower cholesterol, then there is something wrongÖ

Basically, you can have all the intent and all the will in the world, but nothing will happen until you take action. Nothing will happen until you put on that quik-dry gear and sneakers and start hitting the road.

Thatís where you and WW are right now. You are all fired up and have gotten the nicotine-patches and thrown away the cigarettes. You might have all the book-lists and even ordered some of them. You might have looked into IC or MC. You might have talked about improving your communications.

If you managed to stick to the advice offered by the dietician, jogged 3x a week, did some yoga, lifted weights, slept regular and all that then right away after some months you might notice a positive difference. If you stuck to it for 3 years you might look back and realize that you are in the best shape of your life. You might feel better, weigh less, sleep better, be relaxed but more productiveÖ

At that point it wouldí even enter your mind to think:
ďWow. Iím so grateful that I smoked and ate unhealthily and didnít exercise because that gave me the gift of a cardiac arrest. Thanks to that I changed my life and now everything is great!Ē

I think that what you would do is reflect on the effort and work you have done and all the changes. You would be grateful for all that. But you would probably find some sadness in knowing that you could have done all that without having reached that low. The cardiac arrest didnít get you to where you are Ė the hard work did.

Itís the same with your marriage.
Itís not enough to decide to reconcile
You two could read a couple of books and talk about maybe doing a couples retreat next fall. You could decide that every Friday is date-night. You could talk about being honest and all thatÖ
BUT NOTHING WILL HAPPEN WITHOUT THE WORK.

And although you might get pleasure us of completing your first ten-mile run, then that pleasure is paid for with effort and pain. Same with reconciliation.

FG Ė I wish you luck on your journey, but be very aware that you are entering a phase where deciding to reconcile is really the easy part. For the next two years you two need to keep at it and there really isnít much time or space for leaning back and simply enjoying the feeling that at least your wife isnít sleeping with the OM. You two need to keep constant pace and persistence on the work ahead.


FamilyMan75 posted 9/17/2018 17:15 PM

Bigger, thanks for your post. I believe this is where we went wrong before. She cheated, and I really did nothing about it. I forgave her and gave her the impression that everything would go back to normal. She didn't have a reason to want to deal with her issues. My marriage is on life support. But I do think I have a distinct advantage because she acknowledges her issues and the other man is far away. I'm going to give it one more honest try. My entire marriage she has been cheating, so the only place I can really go is forward.

pureheartkit posted 9/18/2018 07:38 AM

Bigger is right there again and again. It will be constant work. But some of it can be fun work too. It's also nice to get understanding of the past, get free of the pain and live unburdened by it. Imagine your wife free of that. She could be so much happier and that would be great for both of you. You both becoming stronger people is an incredible gift to your kids.

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