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Where do I go from here? Separated.

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Marriagesucks posted 8/6/2018 09:47 AM

I threw her a twenty, with my number on it and continued my night with the guys I came here with.
Unquestionably not the best place to meet a future wife if your intentions are monogamy.

You used the word 'bold' in your desciption of her. Looking it up I found the definition... showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous. Along with many synonyms...daring, spirited, gutsy, eye-catching, impactful, just to name a few. These would be great qualifications for a stripper. A future wife... not so much.

Take note that the word virtue is not to be found anywhere in the above list. Did you talk to your friends/parents about marrying a stripper? If so what did they tell you?

Though it's true that there are NO guarantees in life. There are surely better ways to improve your 'picker'.

max2018 posted 8/6/2018 09:49 AM

(She had recently sent me a proposal of what she wants regarding the divorce and wanted to know what my feelings are. She wants 50-50 physical and legal custody, half the proceeds of our recently sold house, half our savings, spousal support for one year, and 1000.00 a month in child support and she doesn't want my pension. I had talked to a close friend who is a lawyer, and he told me I should accept the offer before she changes her mind. Because if she wanted too, she could go after half my pension while we were married and double what she is asking in spousal and child support.)

visit another lawyer NOW

time to stop playing nice

and again


Dismayed2012 posted 8/6/2018 10:33 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation FamilyMan75.

I hope what I have to say isn't too abrasive and I hope you'll take it with a grain of salt with the knowledge that I don't have your full story. Right now I don't know how else to say what I have to say. Your feelings are raw and they're going to remain raw as long as you continue to let your emotions and small head lead you around.

In the Healing Library on this site there's something called the 180. My suggestion is that you read about it and employ it 100%. You've got to get your big head in the game here in order to have a happy life.

Your partner is making the decision to divorce for you because she sees you as too weak of a person to make that decision yourself. Even she's thinking with her head enough to understand that she's been cheating on you and using you as a doormat for years. She's cheating with other guys because she's attracted to men who take control. She's wanted a divorce for a long time but it sounds like you keep begging her back; out of guilt she comes back to you. You seem extremely co-dependent and I fear you may be using your children as a means to guilt your wife into staying together. I could be wrong, but divorce is so common now and children aren't really that affected by it anymore, so your overemphasis on the kids, even when they're not yours, is concerning to me.

It would be wise, thinking with your big head, to get all of your kids DNA tested; not only for legal reasons, but also because as they get older they need to know. It will help them when they're older to know their father's medical issues and who their real father is in case that want to ask him questions or whatever. It's for them more than it's for you. Also, if another man is the father of any of the kids, it's not your place to hinder his ability to interact with his kids if he chooses to do so. If you want to get angry at anyone for getting your STBX wife pregnant or for interacting with their kids, it should be at your wife for having unprotected sex with those guys.

It's really too bad that you've allowed yourself to be miserable for so long. You married a stripper, you didn't give consequences for her behavior, you never took control of the situation, and you played the 'pick me' game over and over, and guilted her into staying with you when she clearly wanted out. As much as she needs help with her issues, which aren't your problem by the way, you need help with your co-dependency.

Again, I don't mean to come off as berating you. You've got a lot to deal with and you've got a ways to go to healing from your situation. I just wanted to communicate what I see from the details that you've provided. You can take or leave what I've written. I don't know what you've been through or your exact situation. I'm just trying to my 'bull-in-a-china-shop' way.

max2018 posted 8/6/2018 13:10 PM

some stupid moron told your ws about your post here

to who ever did this FU

FamilyMan75 posted 8/6/2018 13:58 PM

I didn't set out to the strip club to necessarily find a girlfriend, but to have fun. It just happened I fell for her. Doesn't matter since I can't change the past.

I've been trying to disconnect from her and just talking about the kids. I know I need to seek a lawyer and fight for more and to show her she can't walk all over me anymore. I'm still not sure I want to expose her to everybody. SUre it'll feel good momentarily, but I can't help but think it'd hurt the children. I don't know how to DNA the older one, and have her not understand. Seems cruel. Also I don't want the world to know that I've been duped this many times from her. If anyone else has any other ideas on how to deal with this, I'm all ears.

As for the poster who said someone told my wife about this post. I don't understand. She hasn't mentioned it to me or isn't blowing up my phone with passive-aggressive messages, which she does when she is upset.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 2:05 PM, August 6th (Monday)]

Sknippen posted 8/6/2018 14:23 PM

Hello i am sorry to hear in what an awful situation you are. I believe that really broken things can't be repaired. Like a car that is total loss and never will ride again. As i read you have more then 12 years trying to fix you're wife and the relationship. She cheated on you since the beginning of you're relationship, she will probably keep doing it until the end. If she has a new relationship after your's she probably cheat on that man too. It is not you're fault. You just seems to have married a serial cheater. If you read posts on infidility forums you learn that some people are wired like this.

The1stWife posted 8/6/2018 14:38 PM


Your plan for you future has to be something you can live with.

If I D my H (and we were at the point after DDay2 that I was going to) I was not going to say anything to my children about why. Not until they were much much older and could understand infidelity.

You can D. It doesnít have to be ugly. But you do need a lawyer and you do need to be treated fairly. She cannot ask for alimony and child support and the house and the $ etc. I think you understand.

During my Hís A - he said he wanted a D. A few times he said it. I said ok. But then he would change his mind. It was a vicious cycle but at DDay2 when I found out he was still cheating I told him I was D him. I could no longer live with his infidelity. I had nothing left anymore.

That was 5 years ago. We R. We are happy. He no longer treats me like a doormat (at times).

Heís now afraid I might leave him after his two As.


FamilyMan75 posted 8/6/2018 14:48 PM

Okay, I found her thread on another website, so someone did tip her off to my post. I'm not sure if she has seen it or not. She hasn't posted anything in a week. I'm just reading what she has written. I can't control what she does or doesn't do.

Dismayed2012 posted 8/6/2018 15:10 PM

"I can't control what she does or doesn't do."

That's a great state of mind to stay in. It doesn't matter if she's found out about this site or if she finds your posts among the thousands on here. Just do you. There's no proof that it's you anyway.

I think Walmart or a drugstore would carry an inexpensive DNA kit that'll at least let you know if a child is yours. It's not usable in court but at least you'd know. Also, you could tell your older daughter that your researching the family lineage or something. I think there's a website out the for that purpose.

Whatever you do, make the decisions and take the actions that are best for you. You're getting a lot of great advice here. Just pick and choose what fits your situation. Take care of yourself.

TheGuy123 posted 8/6/2018 20:17 PM

You gotta have a mantra!

Do you have a mantra?

Mine is "I deserve good things"

I guess I got an ego and I never let other people's shyt define me....especially an old lady that stabbed me in the phucking back.

TheGuy123 posted 8/6/2018 20:31 PM

Listen....I gotta thing for biker gotta thing for strippers.... Its all good but never let your old ladie's bull shyt define you.

Lets face it we got played and we took risk management and throw it out the window, but here we are!

Get the phuck off the ground, dust your @ss off and get back in the dam saddle and ride!

And buy the way if you don't tell your side of the may as well leave town.....your old lady is going to spine a tale just like the tale she spun you and got you to marry her.

Only this tale will leave you looking like the wife beater, child molesting POS that sleeps with goats!

In short....the people that care about her need to know from you that she needs help and why she needs help! Other then that Ö time to bail.

And don't tell me no one cares cuz that's her shyt bleeding into you on what she wants you to think and know.

jinkazama posted 8/7/2018 06:04 AM

Dude you are a perfect example of a Mr.Nice Guy

And you seriously need to read

No More Mr.Nice Guy the book.

Please Try to move one and accept that you married a bitch.

Sorry but thats the reality of it. I have read her thread

You did everything for her.

She was a stripper

You made her a wife

But she never deserved it.

Please stop begging her

Because a begging Man doesn't look attractive at All

A begging BS to a Unremosful WS seems so ugly
Ask all the people here they will agree.

manfromlamancha posted 8/7/2018 11:48 AM

Okay, I found her thread on another website, so someone did tip her off to my post. I'm not sure if she has seen it or not. She hasn't posted anything in a week. I'm just reading what she has written. I can't control what she does or doesn't do.

FamilyMan, your wife posted on that forum before you posted here, so I do not think anyone "tipped her off". She essentially came clean on that forum and has not lied or minimised when compared with your version of what happened.

The one thing that she is clear on is that she does not want to be married to you and thinks that while you are too good for her, she cannot, for the life of her, understand why you keep trying to save the marriage! You need to let her go! For your own sanity.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/7/2018 15:29 PM

I read her threads, and discovered she had a one night stand the night before our wedding. In addition little lies, and a lot of little details that don't even make sense. Just to reinforce what is being said here, she said in so many words she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to be married.

Yet at the same time, she says misses me. I just don't get it. I really don't. She has so many issues, but it's so hard to let go of her. I really don't want to divorce but the more I look at it objectively, it is the logical choice.

I confronted her about the one night stand. She told me that it's more reason why we shouldn't be married. That she was sorry for bringing me into this mess. She told me it was great I was getting advice and hopefully, it'll help because she says I'm in denial. After she said that I told her I wanted a paternity test done on the unborn baby because I'm not getting attached to another child that isn't biologically mine. She said okay. And that was it for that conversation.

ChamomileTea posted 8/7/2018 16:35 PM

It didn't take me two minutes to find her thread, and seriously... you can do soooo much better. You're apparently a really good man and you DESERVE to have an honest, loving, supportive mate to share your life with. There are good women out there. She's not one of them. She's selfish, immature, and totally without impulse control.

You didn't do anything to deserve her disrespect and derision. You know that, right? You found a girl is a strip club and tried to make her life better. That's super generous, but clearly she doesn't want to improve herself. That's not on you. That's on her, and you can't save her from herself.

What you can do is save your kids by continuing to be a great dad to them. (Honestly, I'd feel better about seeing you get full custody and supervised visitation for her, due to the lack of impulse control. But you're in a better position to determine whether she's a bad influence on the children). And you can save YOURSELF so that you can be that wonderful dad.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your WW doesn't realize what she's lost. She'll find lots of guys who will want sex, but I seriously doubt she'll ever find one who actually loves her the way you did. One woman's trash is another woman's treasure though, and don't think for a minute that there isn't a better, more deserving life partner waiting for you somewhere out there. It's so hard to have perspective when you've been mistreated and abused the way you have been. But I swear... there are still good and decent people left in the world.

You'll never find Miss Right when Mrs. Wrong is mucking up your domestic sitch. And it's not too late to model a better relationship for your kids, so they have a reference point for what healthy is supposed to look like.

Dismayed2012 posted 8/7/2018 17:08 PM

The night before your wedding? Ouch.

Cooley2here posted 8/7/2018 19:01 PM

Years ago I had dealings with a woman who was one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She spoke calmly and sweetly about everything except her family. She was on her fourth marriage and she had left every single one of her children behind. She admitted that she wanted to love her husbands and children but couldnít. Her childhood had ruined her ability to feel real love and she recognized that. That might be what happened to your wife. If so it is so sad because people who canít love are robbed of the best thing in life.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/7/2018 19:57 PM

I'd never get full custody even if I wanted it. She isn't a neglectful mother. She is very involved, and if there is one thing I can say is we work well together as parents. We don't undermine one another and we are on the same page when it comes to our children. I think we'd co-parent really well and no doubt she'd fight me on that and I'd lose if I were to fight her on more than 50-50 physical and legal custody.

I feel very surreal to the one night stand. For some reason, it's hitting me the core. I remember the night before, how she was so anxious about something going wrong, she was on top of things, planned every detail. It was the one time, looking back at all the times she cheated that I can't picture it, no signs. I don't even know where she got the time to plan it, never mind do it. SHe went out for a little get together with the girls, my sister included. It would have been such a short window.

The more I read here, the more I'm starting to realize, that she just doesn't love herself, doesn't respect herself, so in return can't love me. I just wish I could stop loving her so much.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 8:09 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)]

longsadstory1952 posted 8/7/2018 20:38 PM

Some time ago I was handling a matter where a 30ish woman was working by day as a caregiver to the mentally disabled and a nude dance at a small time sleaze club by night and on the weekends. One of the other caregivers pointed out something. The stripper had no self esteem.

Many people without self esteem feel that whatever they get in life was achieved by something other than hard work and intelligence, and think that they got there by luck or by cheating somehow. Hence, a lot of them have an inner need to self destruct to prove that they are worthless. Witness the ons right before wedding. She just had to prove to herself she was cheap and worthless.

Saying all that, she is not now nor is she ever going to be a good mom. She will be a train wreck. Know this now, and do whatever you can to alleviate the future misery she will heap on them.

One final point. You may love her, but what you have here is a wounded bird that most likely is unfixable. Don't spend your life trying to make things better because nothing will ever work for her. If you do she will suck every bit of life out of you, and then go on her way to the next sucker who attracts her attention.

Bigheart2018 posted 8/7/2018 21:04 PM

Dear FamilyMan75,

Iíve been following both you and your wife threads. I believe you have demonstrated through the entire ordeal is a lack of strength. You must stand up for yourself and began to focus on what is good for you. At this point, you no longer have a wife nor a marriage. You must now accept the loss and move on.


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