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Where do I go from here? Separated.

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ChamomileTea posted 8/7/2018 22:03 PM

Well, I'm glad to hear that you're confident of a good co-parenting relationship. I do think you're going to need to keep really good communications with your kids as they grow in order to be a positive influence on their outcome. Children raised by emotionally immature parents sometimes end up recreating a dysfunctional family life by either becoming hyper-responsible and nervous, or emulating the behavior which has been modeled for them. I think you'll be an effective counterweight though. You seem like a compassionate sort.

Which brings me to this...
The more I read here, the more I'm starting to realize, that she just doesn't love herself, doesn't respect herself, so in return can't love me. I just wish I could stop loving her so much.

I just want to warn you against being overly empathetic. It's difficult when you're a compassionate person to not make excuses for the shit behavior of others. But from reading your posts, you've been doing this with your WW from the very beginning. Pity isn't love. What you're describing here is pity for a person who is throwing her life away. And I get it. I'm the kind who makes excuses for others too. It's no effort at all for me to walk that proverbial mile in another's shoes. And I've done it for decades at my OWN expense. When you're empathizing more with others than you are with yourself, particularly when you've been truly victimized, it's time to explore the possibility of codependance.

You don't have to give up that compassionate part of your personality. But you do need to gut-check it pretty frequently to make sure that it's serving your best interests.

Your WW might not love or respect herself, but she knew damned well that what she was doing was WRONG. Cheaters cheat because they WANT to. There might be myriad reasons for why, but at the bottom line, it's because they want what they want.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/8/2018 10:29 AM

It's been slow progress. I'm forcing myself to think about what I want, in a logical way. I want an intact family, but I'm realizing in the state my marriage or lack of marriage is in that it isn't possible.

I demanded a paternity test on the unborn baby. She agreed and even said about time I asked because if she were me she would have asked. I did ask if there was a chance the baby wasn't mine and just give me the truth if there wasn't. She told me it was mine, so here I'm hoping for once she is n't lying to me.

What I want, and I'm going to be called crazy for it but I'm not backing down. I want the crazy ex-boss to stay away from my daughter. My wife or soon to be ex-wife that is still to be determined, constantly says she wishes he would stay gone. He may be a sperm donor but I'm her dad and will always be her dad.

I'm going to keep telling myself that she doesn't want you. Letting go and accepting that is so hard. I can care about her from afar, and work toward having a great co-parenting relationship.

beenthereinco posted 8/8/2018 11:30 AM

Letting go and accepting that is so hard.

This is what the 180 can help you with. You need to detach from her completely. The distance will help you get to acceptance of this.

SI Staff posted 8/9/2018 10:47 AM

ON TOPIC: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

This includes bringing information from other websites to this one for discussion.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/9/2018 13:55 PM

My family thinks I should try going out and casually dating to help forget about my wife. Sure they don't know the circumstances except for my sister suspicions about my youngest paternity, but I think that would be a terrible idea. I think this is another reason why I'm not reaching out to them, or telling them. They never really cared for my wife for many different reasons. I think they might have just expected her to resemble the same qualities my ex had. I don't know.

Dobby posted 8/9/2018 14:23 PM

I've had experience with these type of women before, it's not fun. Lucky for me I only stayed married for about a month and got an annulment.

It really does a number on your self esteem but what help me was realizing was that this is what she wanted and how she was, she was not a victim that needed saving. She is who she is.

You wanted that tiger to change its stripes and the paint wore off.

The OM is a non-issue, he won't be in the picture much longer as she will end up replacing him at the first opportunity and replace the next guy as well.There's no telling how many times she may have cheated while with you and you may never know but right now that is not important, getting out is.

There will not be a happy ending so you need to go into self preservation mode and get as far away from her as possible. Once the dust settles and you are not as emotional about it you'll be relieved that you are out of that mess.

beenthereinco posted 8/9/2018 14:33 PM

My family thinks I should try going out and casually dating to help forget about my wife.

Dating is probably not a good idea right now. You need to spend some time figuring out why you have this need to rescue your STBXW from her mistakes and be the Knight in Shining Armor. If you don't you'll probably just find another damsel in distress and start this pattern all over again. Maybe invest the money you would spend on dating in counselling to improve your self-esteem and get yourself a little healthier.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/9/2018 14:59 PM

I have been reflecting on my prior relationship before my relationship with my wife. I so easily broke up with her and never looked back. She never cheated on me, but I felt like she strung me along, and I always thought we would get back together. When I met my wife I didn't think she'd be a long-term thing, but I fell for her.

I have no desire to date anyone. When this divorce goes through which still feels like it's forced, I don't know if I'd ever want to go down that road. That dream of being married and having kids is changed. I rather learn to be the best father I can be.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 3:00 PM, August 9th (Thursday)]

max2018 posted 8/9/2018 15:21 PM

FamilyMan75

dateing at your emotional and mental state is not a good idea

you need to work on yourself and the mr nice guy syndrome that you have

=================================================

did you ask your ww about your oldest daughter?

be careful

[This message edited by max2018 at 3:22 PM, August 9th (Thursday)]

FamilyMan75 posted 8/11/2018 04:31 AM

It's so hard not to miss her. It's so hard not to think about her. Not to mention only seeing my kids half the time, not having that intact family. I just feel so lost.

max2018 posted 8/11/2018 05:14 AM

It's so hard not to miss her. It's so hard not to think about her. Not to mention only seeing my kids half the time, not having that intact family. I just feel so lost.

its suppose to be hard

you are removing a cancar from your life you need to give it time

[This message edited by max2018 at 5:15 AM, August 11th (Saturday)]

cannotforgive posted 8/11/2018 07:17 AM

Family Man, please find a good IC for yourself.

You will process and heal and one day you will be ready for another relationship.

ChamomileTea posted 8/11/2018 07:39 AM

It's so hard not to miss her. It's so hard not to think about her. Not to mention only seeing my kids half the time, not having that intact family. I just feel so lost
.

Your feelings are normal for your situation. The Stages of Grief are.. Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance. You can expect to cycle through them all, again and again and in no particular order until you finally reach a stage of acceptance which lasts. You're a normal person, not a disordered one. So of course, you're feeling grief. The trick to dealing with those stages is to simply allow your feelings. They're valid. They don't impose any action upon you. They drift in and out of your consciousness like clouds in the sky. Just allow them to come and go. Feelings are always temporary like that. A new one comes along.

Have you ever heard the old proverb about the two wolves?

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

”It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Those stages of grief will play out as they come and go, but in abandonment we also experience a loss of Self. In many ways, this can be an opportunity to develop the person we most want to be. So, if you can imagine a bright, shiny, new you, what would he be like? Compare and contrast him with the broken-hearted you. Decide which wolf to feed. Sounds simple... really isn't. But nothing about adultery is fair or just. It's all hard work which has been thrust upon you involuntarily. But I promise you, you can get through this.

I can't recommend enough The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. She does a great job of explaining how this kind of trauma affects both body and mind. She's even got a few tools in her kit to get us started reinventing ourselves.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 7:39 AM, August 11th (Saturday)]

FamilyMan75 posted 8/14/2018 11:58 AM

I should listen to my own instinct, but my family has been harping on me about forgetting about her, go out and dating and even brought up my ex-girlfriend. So that night I looked her up on Facebook. I had thought to look her up until. Turns out she was recently divorced. So I messaged her. We talked last night for a few hours. It kind of making me feel a bit bitter all over again about our break up. But yet I don't feel that way about my separation from my wife.

beenthereinco posted 8/14/2018 12:08 PM

It kind of making me feel a bit bitter all over again about our break up.

If reconnecting with her is not going to be a positive thing in your life why would you take that on right now with all you have on your plate? Tell your family to back off and let you heal if that is what you need. If you think reconnecting with her can be positive for your mental state and self-esteem then fine but if it is just going to add more stress and pain what is the point?

Tigersrule77 posted 8/14/2018 15:11 PM

I would agree, listen to your own instincts. Don't let others pressure you to start dating until you are ready. It is ok to spend some time by yourself to figure out what you want, and how you want your next relationship to look.

Take your time. Don't rush.

Dismayed2012 posted 8/15/2018 08:40 AM

Not intending to be harsh here but it sounds like your family was right. They saw, as other posters have, that falling for a strip-club worker was probably not the best choice. I'd say more about this but I think you already know.

You have, in the process of clinging to your dream of kids and a housewife, become co-dependent on someone who was never worthy of your efforts. As I indicated in an earlier post, your WW has been showing you who and what she is all along, yet you've turned a blind eye to all of it. Again and again she's betrayed you and you continue on as though she's going to change. You have some serious emotional issues that you need to deal with before you get into another relationship. Counseling for your co-dependency and to determine why you wouldn't accept the reality of your WW's behavior, would be a good idea. I'd highly recommend fixing yourself before continuing with your former girlfriend. You seem to have emotional issues that are going to haunt you and cloud your life if you don't address them now.

I hope I don't sound like I'm being harsh. I truly believe that if you would get counseling to deal with the issues that I noted above, your life would be much fuller and happier and you'd be a much healthier dad to your kids. It's time to focus on you for a while. Take care of yourself.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/16/2018 15:02 PM

She had her ultrasound late this morning. I attended and did my best to keep my distance. I dropped her off at her home and went back to work. Two hours later she texts me and says we need to talk. It's been an hour and I haven't responded.

Dismayed2012 posted 8/17/2018 09:32 AM

Do not put your name on that birth certificate.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/17/2018 17:48 PM

I can't help my feelings for her. She wanted to talk so I went. During our conversation, I told her that I would sign nothing, do nothing once the baby is born until a DNA test was done. She asked me if that meant I wasn't going to be at the hospital for the birth. I said that'd be an exception. I really don't think I can wait until he or she is born to find out. I need to find out, but last I heard it's a risky procedure to have a DNA test before the baby is born.

She told me she missed me. This woman wanted this separation, and now she is wavering which is making me waver. She didn't necessarily say she wants to get back together but wanted to let me know that she is working on herself and doing a lot of soul-searching. I won't bore everyone with the details. But we got caught up in the emotions and we ended up having sex. I gave in.

I'm back to square one, where now I just want to get back with her. It's taking every ounce of myself to tell myself to take a step back. I don't know if this is even my baby she's carrying. I'm really hoping she isn't lying to me again.

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