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DestroyedWife80 posted 8/28/2018 13:02 PM

Wow. Married four months ago to a man I would have instantly bet 100 million dollars that he was being faithful.

Until...I see a FB message come up on his phone. He instantly turns it towards him, types something and closes the phone. So I say ‘oh who messaged you?’ And he said ‘no one, it was a news story.’

So...I wait for him to go to work and check his iPad. Absolute devastation. He has been cheating on me for years, since we began dating. Multiple women- exes and female friends. He denies to even have a wife or girlfriend. Multiple women. Escorts. Massage parlors. Hookers. Porn that I had NO idea he liked. (Wish he would have turned to me bc I am super sexual and into whatever he would bring up- except that he has been abandoning me sexually now for almost a year- due to ‘stress’) I have not gained weight and these bitches he is online with are several steps below me in looks and some are much older than me.

I am spinning. If the sun did not set today I wild be LESS shocked.

Is it wrong for me to SO angry reading about ‘helping him heal from sexual addiction’- BULLSHIT. Fuck him. Fuck his addiction to hookers and porn and escorts while he had an adoring new wife madly in love with him at home.

Western posted 8/28/2018 13:18 PM

sorry you are here.

Essentially he doesn't value what he has and you just found out that you lived a lie for the entire relationship.

If you don't own a house, what is the cost of severing ties with him ?

If you decide to stay, don't let the excuse of a 'sex addiction' make him ecape accountability and btw who is advising you to read that horseshit ?

Lalagirl posted 8/28/2018 13:18 PM


My God, this is horrible. I’m so sorry.

I’m not very good with advice for newbies who are hurting so badly; others will be along soon with awesome advice and support – to help you get out of infidelity. But I wanted you to know that you have been heard.

Have you confronted him?

beenthereinco posted 8/28/2018 13:25 PM

Is it wrong for me to SO angry reading about ‘helping him heal from sexual addiction’- BULLSHIT.

Nope, not wrong. You do not owe him this 'healing'. You owed each other fidelity. You do not have to do anything else here except divorce if that is what you want. Nobody is "owed" a second chance. You decide what you can live with and what you can't. If this is a bridge too far for you then it is and you don't have to apologize for that.

DestroyedWife80 posted 8/28/2018 13:33 PM

Thank you all for your kind words, I definitely need them.

We JUST bought a house two months ago. More than either of us can afford alone.

I have not confronted him. I wanted to gather more evidence but I honestly feel at this point that I have seen enough evidence.

I am searching ‘help for spouse of sex addict’ and getting this BS. It’s basically how I can get past it and move on in our marriage. It talks about ‘regaining trust’ this point if he told me he was going to take a crap I would wager there was a whore in the bathroom sucking him off. FUCK him...omg!!!!!

thatbpguy posted 8/28/2018 13:41 PM

DW80, it is sad to hear of yet another wife who has a husband addicted to porn... Maybe one of the most difficult addictions to recover from.

Not to be harsh, but you owe him nothing. He owes you everything.

While I in no way condone what is is/has doing, it is an addiction. I would suggest some time away to see how he handles this and give you time to catch your breath and let things settle down. Then you can make a better decision moving forward.

HellFire posted 8/28/2018 13:52 PM

Please don't be so quick to assume he's an actual sex addict. Only a certified CSAT can diagnose that. By assuming, then when you confront, he will latch on to the SA excuse. It's just as possible he's the average serial cheater.

The man you loved never existed. He's exposed you to deadly STDs,and has shown you no respect. This is who he is.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:53 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)]

Hwtloml posted 8/28/2018 13:58 PM

Agreed Hellfire! There is no sex addiction, likely hes a narcissist and sociopath. To string you along for years, while dating while married. I say cut your losses and get out of this. This man will never be honest or a good husband and just give you nothing but pain.

Also please get a physical checkup for STIs. Take care of yourself.

Buster123 posted 8/28/2018 14:16 PM

Sorry that you are here, I hate to be blunt but your WH is a compulsive serial cheater and is addicted to it, you're basically newlyweds, serial cheaters rarely stop and you would have to endure years of suffering, you have more than enough proof to confront. First get tested for STDs and stop having sex with him, he's been risking your health and life and will continue to do so.

I honestly think you need to cut your losses and divorce him, unless you want to be in a one sided open marriage, file for D, sell the house and move on, find someone who's not a compulsive liar and cheater, a couple of years from now you will be glad you did.

In the event you decide the excruciating path to R with a serial cheater, still file for D (it takes months and you can stop it at anytime if he shows true remorse, gives you complete access to his phone, passwords, emails,etc. all the time, he then needs to go through IC that specializes in infidelity, NC FOREVER with any of the OW, you also need to DEMAND he signs a POSTNUP with an infidelity clause in your favor, if he cheats again, you take him to the cleaners and leave him broke without a penny as well giving you full custody of any children.

Confront him and demand he leaves the house, expose the A to close family and friends and inform OBS (other betrayed spouses without warning), this will help end the As since OWs will be busy trying to save their relationships and will most likely throw your WH under the bus in an effor to do just that.

Western posted 8/28/2018 14:21 PM


When did you find out and what is your gameplan ?

trustedg posted 8/28/2018 14:27 PM

Four months married?? Get out now. He is cheating on you with multiple women. He is broken, you can't help him heal, you can't fix him.

Get STD testing and see an attorney.

recovering2018 posted 8/28/2018 14:30 PM

I'm sorry that this has happened.

This guy isn't worth your effort. If he truly cared about you, he would have disclosed any such addiction before marrying you.

Please get tested for STDs ASAP. Your health is at risk. Go see a lawyer ASAP and just file. You seem to have an overwhelming amount of evidence anyway.

You might lose a years pay selling the house, but that's far less painful than what could happen if you stay in the relationship.

cannotforgive posted 8/28/2018 14:34 PM

Throw his ass out and annul the marriage.

People like him never change. Save yourself while you are young and have no children.

((((Hugs to you))))

PS. Find a councilor, a shark lawyer and an STD testing clinic.

marji posted 8/28/2018 14:58 PM

Destroyed Do not know what you are reading but SAs are not helped by their partners or spouses; it is not up to a partner or spouse to help an SA to heal. SAs have to decide to get help themselves and that means they have to work very, very hard to turn away from their addictions and become better human beings. There is a group here in ICR for partners/spouses of SAs. The first page is devoted to resources--books on the subject, support and other recovery resources. There are also SI members who can give very good advice, information, support and encouragement.

SAs typically work very hard with ICs who are trained and experienced working with SA disorder; they are also encouraged to work weekly, sometimes several times a week in a SA support and recovery group. It is a very difficult disorder to deal with and partners and spouses of SAs face an enormous challenge. Living with an SA who continues to act out is to live a life of fear and disquiett; it often leads to isolation, even physical ailments brought on by the trauma that is continuous if the SA continues to give in to his addiction. Living with an addict in recovery is much better; those situations include hope but they too are extremely challenging.

I am in a support group for those whose lives have been turned upside down by the sexual habit and betrayal of another. Most of the group are women whose H's are SAs. Some have been dealing with the pain and fear, the general discomfort for over 20 years. It does not make for happiness.

So the general advice is just practical. You've been married only four months--if you can see your way out of this relationship you might do yourself the best favor ever by leaving now; it can be much, much harder years later and any number of children later.

If you can't see yourself leaving just now, then you might still want to think in terms of boundaries--that is boundaries for yourself; boundaries that you need to set in order to feel safe and for which there are consequences if your H chooses not to honor them.

SMSA925 posted 8/28/2018 15:10 PM

Ok, breathe. Your world just shattered. Things will never be the same again. They will be better, you will be ok, just not with him. The truth of the matter is you never knew him. The real him. You just know the facade he put up to be able to continue his addiction. (Yes, SA is real) STOP reading those books for now. You cannot "heal" him. Start thinking about YOU. It's all about you now. Find a counselor, preferably one that specializes in trauma. Get to a Dr. and get STD tests. Find a lawyer.

For now, no contact with the SA would be best. He will lie, lie, lie about everything
He will try to make you believe it's all a mistake. DO NOT LISTEN You know the truth. You know what you need to do. It's hard, its painful, but you need to do it for your own good. You'll have plenty of questions. We've been there. We can help.

Zamboni posted 8/28/2018 17:00 PM

I am sorry you are here DW80.

I am sure you are in complete shock. It’s a lot to process.

Please listen to the other posters ... serial cheaters rarely change — in fact in some cases, I think they get worse. (Mine did.)

File and get out of this.

BearlyBreathing posted 8/28/2018 18:06 PM

Hi DW80. Yikes, tough story.

You’ve gotten lots of advise. Now look after you. Please please go get tested for STDs immediately. And also go see a lawyer- not to divorce, but to understand what that would look like in the event things go that way. And you might file— it takes time to actually happen, so it can show your WH that you are serious that is not acceptable (understatement,right?).

Are you eating? Sleeping? Drinking lots of water (avoid alcohol), getting some exercise? These will help you think straight in the weeks ahead. If you are having trouble or having anxiety, see your doc.

He should get in to IC- a certified CSAT if he is truly addicted. And you might consider it too— to help you process this trauma. And as you are feeling, it is a hell of a trauma. Anyone you can confide in IRL?

Read in the healing library (upper left in yellow box), keep posting. We get it. Sorry you had to find us.

tushnurse posted 8/28/2018 19:30 PM

Lawyer, Dr., and finding a new place to live should be on your to do list.
I realize you are in pain but this is truly signing up for a lifetime of pain and suffering emotionally for sure physically maybe.
Get STD testing. This means a pap and blood work. Stop having sex with him. He is risking your health and well being. This should push you off. He could give you incurable diseases.
While there talk about the stress. If you aren't sleeping or eating discuss it.
This is probably the most traumatic event you have ever had. There is no shame in getting help to sleep and eat. Without these 2 vital needs met it makes life a zillion times more difficult. It makes making sound decisions impossible. Forget about keeping your emotions in check.
See an attorney file. Figure out what he owes you. Separate any commingled funds first thing tomorrow. Open accounts in your own name at a different bank. Call the realtor and put that home up for sale ASAP. Get rid of it before you destroy your credit.

This is going to hurt. It will take time to heal from bur honestly there is little to no chance of having a happy life with this man. You can't fix him.

shiloe posted 8/28/2018 20:04 PM

Who diagnosed him as a SA? It that what he told you?

Evolving posted 8/28/2018 20:27 PM

Run. You can get an annulment. You are young and have no kids. You will get over this tremendous betrayal but take care I fyiurself and don’t look back. Wishing you strength and peace.

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