"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

WhoTheBleep posted 8/28/2018 20:30 PM

Why do douchebags like this get married???

You are me, 15 years ago. Except I didn't find out until 12 years, and 3 kids in.

Run. Run. Run.

Today I spent over $2000 in attorney's fees. Just for work that was done today. That's a drop in the bucket of hell that awaits you.

Sell the house, cut your losses, and file. I beg you.

mharris posted 8/28/2018 21:21 PM

Consider this the gift of sight. You now see who he really is.

I think you need some real life support. Do you have a sister or close friend to confide in? Personally, my plan would be to see an attorney, file, and expose.

I am so sorry you are here. I am married to a serial cheater. They never stop for long.

Mojojo posted 8/29/2018 00:33 AM

Dump him he doesn’t deserve your heart! You deserve to be cherished! Get out ASAP and don’t look back!

Lalagirl posted 8/29/2018 06:06 AM

Hello DestroyedWife,

I know this is so much to take in and quite overwhelming. Take some time to read in the Healing Library and re-read the posts from us.

I wanted to gather more evidence but I honestly feel at this point that I have seen enough evidence.

Sweetie, please don't torture yourself any longer. You have enough. You could have 10,000 pages of evidence or 1 page; your WH is not who he portrayed himself to be and he put your life in danger. That, dear lady, is someone who, in my humble opinion, cannot be redeemed (and I'm 99% for giving R a shot) without years of intense therapy (and often that does not help). Also, you could present those 10,000 pages of evidence and I'll bet you a paycheck he will lie, blameshift (blame you), gaslight...then he will cry, beg for forgiveness, swear that he'll be a good boy...

I am just trying to prepare you. Again, I know all of us chiming "Divorce Him!" is rough, so take the time you need to think about things. And please take time for self-care. You need your strength and resolve. Do you have a close friend or family member with whom you can stay this weekend?

Huge hugs...and again, I am so sorry.

DestroyedWife80 posted 9/1/2018 21:39 PM

I have been to the Dr, no results as of yet.

I have spoken to a lawyer.

Right now I am 100% interested in taking care of my mental and physical health with Dr's apts, counseling, etc.

No idea where this will lead to but it isn't fair. My entire life has been destroyed.

The man I met, fell in love with and married- is a lie. He does not exist. Because HE would NEVER have done this to me. This other person is a monster who deceived me in every way.

DestroyedWife80 posted 9/1/2018 21:44 PM

I will say...the ONLY saving grace for me right now is that I found out about this and did not continue to be deceived, disrespected and exposed to STIs.

I am incredibly happy about that and pleased with the way I followed through calmly with my gut instinct so that I could obtain the actual proof.

Lalagirl posted 9/4/2018 11:54 AM

How are you doing today, DW?

Robert22205https posted 9/5/2018 11:42 AM

We all wear different personas depending on the circumstances. Your husband was always been weak willed, selfish and lacking empathy .... she just kept it hidden from you.

Why, because if you knew the 'real' woman you wouldn't have married her.

One of the most important things you can do for your future kids is 'who' you pick to be their father. Do you want him to be a role model for your daughter (tolerate a cheater) or your son (be a cheater)??

Life, marriage, raising kids is tough enough without eating a shit sandwich every day for the rest of your life.

Embracingfuture posted 9/5/2018 20:07 PM

So sorry. I will never understand stupid porn addiction and cheating. I think you should see a therapist and have help deciding how to proceed. Good luck.

Lionne posted 9/5/2018 21:07 PM

You are reading the wrong materials. Sex Addiction is real. But it's not an excuse for personal responsibility.
You are entitled to a life partner who is healthy and sober. Sex addicts CAN change just like alcoholics can.. but they'll always be addicts, and, if they do choose recovery, it's a long, hard, LIFELONG journey. And it's not yours.
You don't need to make any decisions immediately. In fact, I encourage you to take time FOR YOURSELF.
Regardless of your decision, get a good IC that will help you deal with this trauma.
There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for spouses of sex addicts. The first page has a bunch of resources.
This is in no way, shape or form, about you. You cannot control him (or his choice to recover or not) you didn't cause it and you can't change him.
But you cannot stay with an active addict of any kind, that's insanity.
Most of us were also in the dark about our husband's "hobbies." And traumatized when we found out. But we've survived and thrived and you can too.

DestroyedWife80 posted 9/5/2018 21:42 PM

I am surviving right now.

I am a roller coaster ranging from looking up jail time for breaking the window of some of these massage places, to relief that I will not be married to a cruel and unfaithful man like this for much longer.

Right now, he is out of town. I am losing my mind trying to text him every few minutes so he wont have time to cheat. My mind runs wild when I dont hear from him. I am terrified some skummy whore is going to have her hands on my husband.

Doesn't make sense I know. But I am riding it for now. Got a counseling apt with someone who is a sex therapist and psychotherapist.

1ptsdsurvivor71 posted 9/5/2018 21:53 PM

All I can realistically say is RUN RUN RUN
Seriously.
Quietly AND quickly consult with an attorney as to how best get yourself out from under the house as well as ANY bills, utilities or anything else that YOUR name is legally connected to.
OMG sweetie I am truly so damn very sorry.
Your WS will NEVER change.
This IS who he IS & has been for many more yrs than you could possibly be aware of.
Sadly, my story is no different than anyone else's here.
And, sadly, I regret NOT leaving my now xh in mid 2000s, when I suspected he began screwing around with the creature that he ultimately & literally abandoned our marriage for.
Please DON'T be me - I stayed married several yrs too long to what's painfully clear was/is a narcopath serial cheater.
Such individuals are "hardwired" differently than most of those around them & it can easily be said because of this "hardwiring" difference that, physiologically, they're irreparably damaged & will alternately figure skate & steamroll through life & the hearts of those they're intimate with.
Nothing & I mean NOTHING is EVER *their* fault; even with mountains of absolutely irrefutable, impossible to dismiss evidence.
It's who AND what they are & more to the point, it's how they freely CHOOSE to be.
Your WS absolutely knows that he's hurt you & like I've painfully learned with my xh, he doesn't give a damn. PERIOD.
Quickly quietly consult with a divorce attorney.
Learn what YOUR rights, responsibilities & obligations are & just as quietly & quickly begin getting your ducks in a row.
Serve this serial cheating prick with divorce papers.
Tell him in ZERO UNCERTAIN language that if *he* has ANYTHING to say, simply attach your attorney's business card with the papers.
Then safely ghost this cheater like Recon Rick.
Let him be the next [narcissistic] supply/victim's problem.
Like other SI posters have shared, please DON'T wait until you're pregnant AND/OR have children with this guy.
Safely AND quickly get out from under YOUR half of the house sale & RUN FAR FAR AWAY from this guy.
He will only choose to continue figure skating through life being led by his dick & just as deliberately NOT caring that his behavior is exposing YOU as his betrayed spouse to some nasty AND potentially deadly STDs.
Please DON'T have sex with this guy.
Get a FULL STD panel & protect your health because your WS has painfully demonstrated that *he* does NOT care about even his own sexual health.
Due to my then husband secretly & repeatedly fucking his [then] equally married but later proven to be frighteningly promiscuous OW, a few short months before he ran off with her, I experienced the WORST yeast infection ever.
I'm now mid 40s & I can literally count all the yeast infections that I've EVER had since becoming sexually active as a young teenager.
I can count these times & YIs on one hand.
Please DON'T be me: I now live with the random physical discomfort & pain of untreated pelvic inflammatory disease.
Two yrs after my h literally abandoned our marriage for his precious OW, I had to have a hysterectomy.
I've been STD & HIV tested at least a half a dozen times since late 2011 mid 2012 & then a couple weeks before my hysterectomy in 2013.
I had small but treatable fibroids (hereditary) however, hysterectomy was recommended for the damage, swelling & pain due to PID - definitely courtesy of my husband repeatedly fucking the town bicycle WITHOUT protection.
The gynecological specialist that oversaw my hysterectomy said that it's possible for me to experience PID symptoms even years AFTER my surgery.
Had *I* really & truly knew that my husband had been secretly involved with AND was actively sexually pursuing the medically dirty walking petri dish known as the OW, I can say beyond doubt that I would've closed the [sexual] bakery months into years BEFORE the promiscuous & heavily pregnant OW sped down here to help whisk her still very much married bf away to their shiny new happy & mysteriously responsibility-free life in Lala Land.
Exactly *how* these two adulterous lovebirds were going to accomplish a responsibility-free life is still quite the head scratching mystery.
All I know is my husband ran off with his equally married AND heavily pregnant mistress.
And left *me* with approximately $87,000 in combined marital debt; the accumulation of months shy of 14 yrs school, dental & medical debt.
Theoretically, I could've afforded our apartment home on my own after my husband left, however, stbx's cruel words AND actions left me no choice BUT to divorce him AND move a few short months later.
I couldn't have ANY pets where I'd be living for a few months afterwards & I was forced to adopt our 4 cats out to a farm family; someone my mom was acquainted with.
Leaving my/our 4 cats on this farm lady's doorstep was one of the hardest things I'd experienced in recent memory.
To this day, I still sometimes whenever I remember being forced to leave my furbabies.
I sometimes feel like this hurts as much if not more than how xh decided to leave our marriage.
It's worth sharing that prior to me beginning the legal process of divorcing my h that I'd honestly NEVER heard the terms Narcissistic Personality Disorder or the term Serial Cheater.
I still remember asking 1 of the family law attorneys I spoke with who talks to their spouse the way stbx spoke to AND treated me.
Attorney replied "Oh that's easy. I'll tell you who. A selfish douchebag. That's who. Sadly, I see that daily & all the time."
I stood there in the office hallway, clutching the beginnings of my divorce paperwork & through a few tears, graciously thanked this attorney for the legal advice necessary for me to finally begin legally cutting myself free from the monster known as my stbx.
The ONLY thing I can now say is that my [Ex] spoke to AND treated me, his wife, in ways that most mentally & emotionally healthy individuals wouldn't think to speak to or treat an animal.
Seriously.
I now take little comfort & "consolation" in knowing through several months of long overdue PTSD therapy that if I thought xh treated me badly, awfully or even horribly, well, it'd be 2 solid yrs AFTER I divorced xh that I'd learn the ugly truth about my husband & the vile thing known as his soulmate schmoopie OW.

R U N R U N R U N

FAR FAR FAR AWAY FROM your cheating husband.

He will NEVER change & he will NEVER STOP neither lying NOR fucking around.

A mere 4 MONTHS into ya'll's marriage & he's already sticking it elsewhere?!?

It genuinely pains me to say this, but, sweetie, this ain't his first rodeo.
He's likely been lying & unfaithful to you the ENTIRE length of your relationship.

He's NEVER learned to be ALONE & he's NEVER learned to be faithful to himself much less a significant other.

Throw your marriage to this guy where it belongs - in the garbage outside & ghost him BEFORE he's even aware that he has divorce papers in his hands.

Let him be the next supply's problem & heartbreak.

Lots of virtual ((hugs)) from someone whose definitely been there & dealt with it.

Everychance posted 9/6/2018 02:06 AM

I am so sorry you are here, the pain is awful but it will get better. Please try to focus on yourself, make sure you drink plenty of water and eat healthy food, this is a traumatic event and it will impact on your physical well being. You are doing well so far and time will be your best friend, it will get easier. There is no need to rush on the decision to R or D - at this point you just need to take baby steps to get through each hour as it comes, be kind to yourself this is extremely confronting. Do you have anyone who can support you and be with you for a few days? Go to the healing library it is full of the advice you need at this point so consume everything you can. You will need to read it all twice as it is difficult to concentrate and comprehend things, try to slow your breathing down and relax your body as much as possible. You will survive infidelity, we all do. Sending you big hugs

jesebeard posted 9/6/2018 02:58 AM

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I know it hurts cause we've been there. Yes, don't forget about your mental and physical well-being. Keep yourself calm for a while.

Smillie posted 9/6/2018 04:32 AM

I understand that some people are sex addicts and/or have a history of sexual abuse. This does not really excuse the lying though. An honest sex addict / sexual abuse victim would cheat and then come straight home and confess. A lying deceptive snake conducts an undercover cheating campaign covering many years and involving many partners. I think you are right to divorce and I would not listen to a single word from his mouth.

Bobbi_sue posted 9/6/2018 05:23 AM

Agreed Hellfire! There is no sex addiction, likely hes a narcissist and sociopath. To string you along for years, while dating while married.

There may be such a thing as "sex addiction" but none of it makes it right to make a decision to MARRY someone, KNOWING you have NO INTENTION to be faithful to that person!!! The stories of newlywed cheaters are probably the stories I find most disturbing on this site. They were even cheating before they got married, but yet stood there and took vows they knew they had no intention to honor.

I'm not sure if my XH falls into that category, as I don't know if he "intended" to be faithful when he said vows on the day we got married.

Being on this forum makes me think about things that I might be better off not thinking about. He was addicted to prostitutes, too, no doubt before I ever married him. He might very well have been cheating during our short six month courtship, but he never confessed it and I never directly asked him about that. I know he did it early on in our M. I was only 19 when I married him. I had no idea people could be so disgusting and sick. It is just gross.

I rarely "suggest" divorce but I'm going to be honest, I don't see any reason for you to stay with this person in these circumstances. Let's hope he gets help and fixes himself, but on the slight chance that happens, let that benefit the next wife if there is one.

Lionne posted 9/6/2018 12:46 PM

I am going to be perfectly honest with you. IME there is ZERO chance he won't cheat on you in one form or another, sooner or later, unless he gets specific therapy and works a program. He'll either step up his porn, go anonymous by frequenting strip clubs and eventually re-escalate to physical and emotional affairs.
There is little use in debating whether or not sex addiction is "real." But there is a HUGE benefit in him getting specific therapy for sexual compulsion, serial cheating, whatever you want to call it. It's not under your control.
You can control your reactions. You can educate yourself about sex addiction, the causes, the effects on partners, the therapy used to help both parties. This empowers you, helps you to understand that it's not about your desirability, performance in the bedroom or whether or not you have a few too many pounds or the wrong color hair, or your chest isn't big enough. Do it for YOU.
Personally, I would never tell anyone whether or not to divorce. That's your decision and you shouldn't be pressured to conform to anyone's idea of what is the "right" thing to do. I can tell you what I did, what I regret, where I am today. My husband's addiction far proceeded me. It started in childhood, masturbation as a way to deal with stress. It became compulsive. He met me, thought marriage, easily accessible sex, would cure him. It didn't. The truth was that he was damaged in childhood, never had any idea of how to be intimate and vulnerable to another person. But he was a good actor. His addiction escalated. His poor behavior towards me increased. I became passive, accepting his mistreatment for a LONG time, like the frog in the cool water who gradually has the heat built around him, I became too accepting of unacceptable behavior.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have left the marriage in the early days. But hindsight is always 50/50.
By the time I found out, our kids were almost independent, and my entire life, finances, family, EVERYTHING was so intertwined that splitting would have been an huge puzzle. But I would have done it. I will still do it if he stops doing the work, if he relapses, if he starts being mean again.
If you decide, down the road because NO ONE should make a huge decision in the middle of trauma, to separate, you'll do it. If you decide to stay, to give him the opportunity to get into intense therapy and 12 steps, you'll have to STILL get therapy for yourself.
I'm not sure that a "sex therapist" is your best choice unless you mean a certified sex addiction specialist. And see one that connects with you.
I'm also going to suggest a COSA or SANON meeting. I don't totally agree with their philosophies. They are a bit behind the times. But, you can truly, "take what you need and leave the rest" and the biggest benefit of these groups is the real life support you get from people that have experienced this.
Take a breath. Take time for you. Get a massage, a pedicure, buy yourself something that is a treat. Reach out to friends and family if you feel they'll be supportive and not judge you for whatever decisions you make from day to day. Post here and in our forum and feel free to private message members you feel can help.
Sex/porn addiction/compulsion is on the rise. Pretending the only issue is evil and narcissistic people is like hiding one's head in the sand.

unsure73 posted 9/7/2018 02:17 AM

Wow. Not to depress you, but I feel silly for whining about my troubles with my marriage when you're faced with this. Listen to the people here, It's good advice. I'd run like, well fast. I'm so sorry

jesebeard posted 9/7/2018 03:31 AM

I agree with the people here. There is a very small chance that he would change from what he is now. History repeats itself. Once a cheater is always a cheater.

ShutterHappy posted 9/7/2018 03:52 AM

Look at it this way: you never had a husband, not at any point.

It’s like saying: no, you didn’t inherits millions from a long lost African prince.