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its been 4 weeks

3timeloser posted 9/9/2018 10:03 AM

Hi all, I'm new here, but not new to this scenario. I joined a couple of weeks ago and have been trolling and reading posts, wasn't ready to share until now.

My H is having A's. Plural. Some more involved than others. Two I know of were physical, others he was sexting and phone conversations with heavy sexual content, those he found on "Personal's"... UGH, even writing that makes me ill.

Back story: This is my 3rd marriage, his 2nd. My other 2 marriages both ended with infidelity. My 1st WH is my children's father. I only found out because his AP came to me, confessed, with HER BH in an effort to save her marriage, why would she lie, that was 19 years ago, we had been together for 6 years. We tried to fix it for a year, didn't work.

My second marriage, he was cheating on me while we were still dating... but had me convinced I was making it up in my head with the way my 1st marriage ended. I was a horrible person for thinking he was capable of such actions. In reality he was a textbook narcissist and I was low hanging fruit to feed his selfish need to dominate a person. He would demand a divorce of me every couple of months, I'd be so busy pleading with him to stay that I didn't see what was really going on. One day I woke up. His extreme secrecy and covert behavior became impossible to ignore. I started snooping and found everything I needed. Cell records, email from AP.. you name it. I finally agreed to the divorce he demanded that quarter, he then flipped the script. He never WANTED the divorce, it was a tactic to keep me in line and do what ever he wanted me to. Fast forward, day before our final court date he confesses all, says we can give it one more try with all of the cheating on the table. I walked away after over 7 years of this.

I then met my current spouse. Attraction and chemistry were immediate. He has also recently excited a marriage where his wife had been cheating and used similar tactics of control on him... he understood the wounds of betrayal more than any other human I've ever met. Our friendship grew into romance very quickly. That was 6 years ago. We were together for 18 months when I took a job out of state. My moving, he took as a betrayal. We had not discussed marriage at this point, I was a single mom, the opportunity was too good for my and my children s future to pass up, to be fair, I asked him to come with me. He (and the other 2 ex's) are military, was not a possibility. I believed we could do long distance if it was meant to be. In the 10 months I was in the other state, he broke down emotionally, we broke up and got back together 3 or 4 times. He would visit and it would be wonderful, I would visit him and it was sublime. We finally eloped on one of his visits and began working to get back under the same roof. I moved back to his state within 2 months of us being married.

Fast forward, all of that back story is necessary to understand that THIS man is my soul mate, we understood each-other and survived some hardships that people in love should not have to endure. I trusted him BLINDLY because of the path we had both traveled and where we ended up.

Shortly after my returning, his exWW remarried an animal that tried to kill her. We wound up with immediate custody of his 5 kids, yes 5, on top of the ONE i still had living at home as well. To say we were stressed was an understatement. That was 2 years ago...our lives have been chaotic, our time for just us has taken a serious hit, but I understood, there were 6 kids in the house, all involved in sports and clubs... sex became a once a week thing. His work schedule picked up, he has to travel for his job, he fly's military aircraft, it is non-negotiable. Again, I trusted him blindly. We had begun fighting, a lot. I couldn't understand why he was now saying our "values" were just different, while demanding "he was a good man". I gave up everything to be back here with him and his kids, I have a good, solid career with a great income and I spend nothing on myself. He started complaining about EVERY thing I did or said, or that my child did or said... the pattern became so familiar to my WH#2. Something made me check his phone while he was in the shower. There it was. Not just one, but 2 women he was saying he missed and wished he woke up to or was kissing them... etc. In a panic and no forethought I threw his phone at him in the shower. Let him know what I knew.

He promised to end it, said he would tell them both it was over, swore it was just flirty texting... then something made me look further. The next day I combed through the cell log,there were OTHERS. He had lied to cover what I discovered.. so I confronted him again. Still more lies. I contacted 4 of the women. Two he had sexual contact with, 2 was just flirting, heavy on the sexual content, one admitted to phone sex. I confronted him again, since ONE of them he also contacted AFTER he told me he would break all ties. When I asked how long, wait for it,... YEARS, he's been in contact with one (she predates me) She actually told him NOT to marry me... LOL...others a couple of years, but all more than 6 months. I can't believe I'm typing this.

I believe I have hit the bottom of his well of lies. I gave him an out. Told him he could leave RIGHT NOW, and I would never think of him again, or he could stay, but it's all in or all out. He quickly opted to stay. He has said and done everything right. I have checked the phone log every day, there has been no other contact. I believe he is remorseful, has said over and over how sorry he is and this is all him, I didn't do this and it isn't my fault.

The punchline, he is traveling again. Not to a place where any of these women are, overseas. I believe he isn't communicating with them... but now I am obsessed with finding out about them. What made the one human I trusted and loved most, do the ONE thing he knew would hurt me beyond repair. He took the ONE thing I knew we still had and destroyed my faith.

I want to fix my marriage, but the waves keep crashing around me, they are unrelenting. The flood of thoughts, things he said or did to cover all the lies. I feel like I don't know him at all. He abandoned me, WITH HIS KIDS, to water some other woman's grass... of course it's greener there, you are tending her garden and I'm paying the effing water bill.

HELP.. .how do you forget, or move forward. I forgave him when I finally believed he hit bottom and told me everything. Forgiveness is easy, the "what's next" is what I'm struggling to cope with. I have a counseling appt this week... he has said he'll go as soon as he gets back from overseas in 2 weeks...

I hate being the person that checks his phone, or call logs or email... how do you let go of that need to know and get back to trust. I love him and want to fix it... but I feel like this damage isn't mine to fix...

Suggestions? Please?

Cooley2here posted 9/9/2018 10:53 AM

Both of you need IC. You two brought a lot of pain into your marriage. On top of that you have a houseful of children you did not plan on. No excuse for his behavior but he needs to schedule his own IC and follow through. That is the first step.

DesertLily posted 9/9/2018 11:46 AM

Hi, 3xs. Welcome to SI.

I'm so sorry for your pain, your hurt, for the betrayal your WH has inflicted upon you. The emotional waves do make us feel like we're drowning. And the need to obsessively verify what are spouses are up to is just awful. But obsess we do, especially in the beginning.

There was a suggestion I read here, about the need to spy on Waywards, about looking at it differently. Every time you look, the opportunity to gain a little more trust for your spouse happens, so long as they're keeping their word and staying transparent. And if they're not, well aren't you glad you found out sooner rather than later.

After not finding anything for awhile, the obsession falls away. At least it did for me.

Getting into IC is a great step in moving forward. Use that time to focus on healing you. IC is also a great place to explore why our relationship picker is broken, why we gravitate towards those who will hurt and betray us.

I know you want to fix your M, but you're correct about this not being something you can fix. Yes, all Ms have problems, but not everyone's answer is to commit infidelity. That choice is the result of broken character. And it appears that your WH was cheating before you even married. So the problem is in him. Not you. Not the M.

Use the time that he's gone to gain clarity about what you want for your life. Detach. Look at the situation free of emotion. You can make him pay his own effing water bill.

Had you known the truth about your "soulmate" cheating on you even before the M, would you have still said "I do?" The man you married was an illusion. He purposefully made you think he was someone he was not.

I don't usually advocate for R or D, because it's such a personal issue. However, when there's cheating even before the M, the vows said were done with zero intention of keeping them. That says a lot about a person's lack of integrity. And IMHO, the only way forward is out of the M.

Think about it. He was already in another relationship. You were the OW. He lied to you to get a ring on your finger. And now you're at home, raising his five kids, while he's out "watering."

Of course he wants to save the M. The M has suited him perfectly. He has a wife, babysitter, maid, laundress, cook, and money maker at home. And he gets lots of p@$$y on the side.

Priority #1 for him is to keep you right where you are. And to do that, he'll say and do what ever it is you want. But, much like his M vows, it's just lip service. He'll just take his behavior further underground. Probably get a burner phone.

I'm not trying to be doom and gloom. But one of the things I've learned on this site is that serial cheaters do not change. They just get better at hiding the behavior. And your WH is a serial cheater.

Others will be along with more advice. And just like with mine, take what you need and leave the rest.

Please head up to the Healing Library if you haven't already done so. Lots of great information there to help guide you through this process.

I wish you strength, peace and clarity as you journey out of infidelity.

ChamomileTea posted 9/9/2018 11:58 AM

I love him and want to fix it... but I feel like this damage isn't mine to fix...

That's because it isn't. This guy has lied to you from the start, and he's got you raising his five kids on top of it. When taken with your history of earlier intimate betrayal, his actions are unconscionable.

Honestly, I think the question is why do you still think you love him? Seriously. Start there. Make a list or whatever you have to do to prove to yourself that there's some there there. There's only this one post to go on, but it looks to me like you've been taken in by a guy who knew exactly how to play you. You had already told him how the first two duds had hurt you. All he had to do was just swoop in and convince you he was different from your exes.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Really. No one deserves to be treated like that. I would think long and hard before I gave any consideration whatsoever to reconciliation. There's almost no history here where the guy wasn't cheating on you.

3timeloser posted 9/9/2018 12:28 PM

There's almost no history here where the guy wasn't cheating on you.

Ouch, but yes. Needed to see that in print.

The1stWife posted 9/9/2018 12:31 PM

Your “soulmate” has some serious issues.

He’s allowing you to raise his children and he’s complaining? Wow is he out of touch with reality. You now have “different” styles or objectives? With 6 kids? What reality is he living in?

Right - he’s living In HIS world where he can’t cope with it all and decides to cheat as an escape from his stressful world.

Counseling for you - absolutely necessary. I wish you the best!

ChamomileTea posted 9/9/2018 15:41 PM

Sorry for the ouchy. It's just really concerning that this guy knows where all your buttons are installed, and yet he still thought he was too smart to get caught pushing them.

You know your situation best. Just make sure before you proceed in any way toward reconciliation that you're not dealing with a seriously disordered person. There are many personality disorders which can't be "cured", and the work-around to continue tolerating their behavior is often too emotionally costly to be acceptable.

1ptsdsurvivor71 posted 9/9/2018 21:22 PM

3timeloser: First I want to say that I'm truly so very sorry that you're here but you'll find much needed wonderful emotional support & advice.
Second, I want to say please safely, quickly & quietly begin consulting with a divorce attorney that understands AND has training in dealing with narcissists & high conflict divorce.
Learn what YOUR legal rights, responsibilities & obligations are & then just as safely, quickly & quietly begin getting YOUR name out from under ANY obligations that have neither YOUR name NOR the name(s) of your child[ren].
Ask what, if any, rights, responsibilities & obligations that YOU may or may NOT have with regards to HIS minor children.
Me, personally, I'd be blowing up his ex's phone with texts & calls to either come & get her/their FIVE children OR you AND/OR your attorney absolutely WILL be making an emergency call to state child protective services.
Sweetie, as another member just said, your H is out having fun, "watering" another woman/other womens "gardens" & YOU, 3timeloser, are paying for it in EVERY way imaginable: Emotionally. Verbally. Mentally. Spiritually. And very likely financially as well.
All on top of looking after HIS 5 kids as well as your own!
Whatever legal advice you're given I'm sure will determine how you will deal with HIS kids.
Me, personally, I'm serious as cancer when I say that I'd be blowing up these kids mothers phone(s) with texts & calls; telling the mother(s) either they come & get their kid(s) & step up their parenting responsibilities or a judge will determine if state child protective services needs to intervene.
Point blank, your H has flippantly pawned *his* FIVE kids off onto YOU which takes time, resources, money & emotional availability AWAY FROM *your* kid(s) - all while he's out working & just as likely fucking around & doing so with MULTIPLE OW.
Bc of ^^this^^ right here, I STRONGLY urge YOU to NOT have sex with this man; even WITH protection.
As awful as it is, it's vital that you get STD testing ASAP bc your H is showing you who he REALLY is.
He's showing that he has little regard for his own sexual health & safety much less yours as his wife.
I guess this is the best I can say & the best painfully learned advice that I can offer.

Personally, I'd quickly quietly get my legal ducks in a row, put all important documents & kid stuff in a safe unknown to your H location...& I'd just as quickly & quietly begin determining what is & isn't worth putting in a secure storage locker that H doesn't know about.

Your H is exactly like my ex.
He's a serial cheater.
You, as the BS, absolutely did NOT create the epic hot mess of a man.
You, as the BS, did NOT cause or "make" him lie, cheat, disrespect, blame shift & certainly you did NOT "make" *him* REPEATEDLY JEOPARDIZE *YOUR* health & even LIFE due to his numerous, overlapping, consecutive, concurrent or whatever affairs, flings, ONSs, etc.

Chances are that at least a couple of his OWs know about the existence of each other &or other OW & they're ok on some level with this kind of sickness & danger to health & for a myriad of reasons, these OW just don't seem to care.

I STRONGLY suspect that I experienced this with a couple of ex's OWs: There's little doubt in my mind that these particular ow did NOT know about each other; just based on stuff I both secretly overheard as well as what I saw in the months into years after divorcing ex.
I still occasionally run into one suspected OW that I know xh chased after.
In fact this particular OW even asked about xh & by the time she'd inquired about xh, I was more than happy to both tell her where I last knew xh to be as well as I told her EXACTLY where online to look up ex's 3 felony INTENTIONAL child abuse charges.
I DIDN'T want &or need this OW thinking that I was the classic bitter ex wife who just couldn't/wouldn't let go.
Nope.
If this particular OW, several years later, is still spreading herself around like I've always suspected, I figure I'll have at least spoke my piece & happily directed OW to precisely where she can see for herself just what a not so great catch xh was.
My gut says this OW that I still sometimes run into is still interested in my xh & now she absolutely CANNOT say that she DOESN'T know who & WHAT she is actively & freely deciding & choosing to potentially involve herself with.

Beyond my showing OW where to specifically look for & read about xh's three felony child abuse charges, as so many around SI.com like to say "Not my monkeys not my circus."

I guess what I'm trying to say, through my painful experience & surviving divorcing an absolute narcopath xh, it's my personal opinion & advice that YOU get your kid(s) to a safe location, get all your documents & personal belongings gathered, hand your serial cheating H divorce papers & ghost his ass BEFORE he's even aware of what he's holding.

If your H has ANYTHING, good bad or ugly to say, DON'T engage with him.
Simply attach your attorney's business card to the divorce papers & coolly tell WH that whatever he has to say he can talk to your attorney.
Then you exit as safely & quickly as possible & once you decide to get the divorce ball rolling, BLOCK wh on ANY &or ALL social media & other online places.
Tell wh that unless whatever he has to say is about the kid(s) AND/OR finances, YOU have NOTHING MORE to neither say nor discuss & then you disengage from the conversation & physically distance yourself.

I still DON'T understand "why" individuals such as our various partners & ex partners even bother with claiming they want an exclusive relationship & I certainly can't wrap my brain around "why" serial cheaters of either sex get married, freely exchange either religious vows &or just as willingly sign legal paperwork stating that they enter into "x" relationship freely & of their own will - especially when serial cheaters absolutely KNOW that they have ZERO intention, whatsoever, of EVER being neither exclusive NOR faithful.

3timeloser...please, for YOUR own sanity AND safety & even those of your child[ren], seriously, just serve your WH with divorce papers & call it done.
He is NOT going to change.
EVER.
He WILL emotionally & spiritually drag YOU down..until you are but a shell of your former self.
Please BELIEVE me.
No one doubts that you truly love your WH & desperately want your marriage to work.
But, like me & all of us here @ SI.com, you are only one person & half of your marriage.
No amount of loving this man or jumping through metaphorical or even REAL flaming hoops will "make" him love or even respect you "enough" for him to decide & choose to STOP LYING, get checked for STDs & SERIOUSLY mentally & spiritually get to the bottom of "why" he thinks so little of himself & his marriage that he's infinitely more interested in going through life being led by his dick versus stepping up, deciding & actively choosing to be a man of some semblance of integrity AND a decent providing loving father to his fairly large brood of children.
Nope.
I've learned that revenge ISN'T a dish best served cold...but rather revenge IS ghosting a deliberately deceitful reckless man-child & moving forward in life wholly WITHOUT a reckless disease carrying adulterous spouse weighing me & my child[ren] down & putting our lives in danger.

This is just *my* advice & perspective from my own painful experience.
Please take it for whatever you feel it's worth.

Beyond this, welcome to the very best "club" that no one willingly joins. ((hugs))

LaPetiteGen posted 9/11/2018 19:40 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:39 PM, September 15th (Saturday)]

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