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Found out 2 months before the wedding..

mrsr33 posted 9/11/2018 22:49 PM

Well, here I am and here goes..
I found out 3 months ago that the man i have loved and lived with for 8 years had a year long affair with a woman from work. During the affair he even proposed to me, and yet the affair still went on.
My world and life as I knew it was and still is shattered. I quit my job 2 months after and not knowing what was right or what to do, I went ahead and married him 3 weeks ago. The invitations were already out, everything was booked and paid for. My grown children love him and this would have destroyed them. They lost their father 14 years ago and formed an amazing relationship with him and it crushed me to think they may lose this.
He is remorseful, he cries, he talks about it when I need to ask questions, he says he will do whatever it takes to gain my trust back. He has stopped communication with her several months before I found out. The phone is always open for me, and I have all passwords if I choose to look at email accounts. But what I'm having such trouble with is, WHY? Everything was great, no signs,no rough patch, nothing. He can't explain why, he doesnt know, just that she was younger and he was flattered and got caught up in the fantasy of a younger women.
We had the most beautiful wedding and even better honeymoon...But now were home and I feel like I'm going backwards. I don't want to, I want to move forward, for in my heart I believe he is sorry. I hurt, and I'm sad, how can you love someone and yet care so little about your relationship to do this. It's like everything I knew and believed in for the last year was a lie and I feel like a fool. How can we move on, how can we even try to rebuild whats been ripped away? How can I ever trust him and get these visions out of my head? And can I believe him again..

gmc94 posted 9/11/2018 23:22 PM

MrsR33 - I'm so sorry you are here. Being betrayed sucks, but SI has been a Godsend for me and many others.

There's a healing library that I recommend reading
Also- get tested for STDs (unfortunately, many WS ["Wayward Spouses"] are not only ok lying to engage in the A, but are also OK lying about the sex that actually happened & whether they used a condom.
I would recommend reading two books: "not just friends" by Shirley Glass and "How to Help your Spouse Heal" by Linda McDonald. Both are pretty universally approved by folks on SI. there are a ton of books out there, but I recommend starting with these.
I would suggest your WH get into some counseling -immediately. He needs to figure out why he did this, why he allowed his own needs to be more important than being a safe and honest partner, etc. You may need therapy too. I would not recommend MC (marriage counseling) this early. MCs tend to focus on the M and not the individual needs of each partner. Some may lead you to believe that you shoulder some blame for your WH's conscious decision to break his promise of monogomy - if you hear only one thing, hear this: the decision to cheat is 100% the cheater's responsibility. HIS CHOICE IS NOT YOUR FAULT... no matter what. It's a CHOICE to lie and deceive the one you love, and to break the promise of monogamy... it's not a mistake and it's not your fault.
Read the healing library, the books, and posts here on SI (including the wayward side, if you feel up to it). You will learn that people who cheat do so because something is broken in them. It's imperative they do the HARD work to figure out why it was Ok to harm you in order to put their needs first. This could take a long time, most folks say healing / reconciliation takes 3-5 years on average (I'm at 8 months and still have no answer as to "why" or "how" my WH could have behaved so selfishly for so long).
Take what helps you on SI and leave the rest behind.
Finally, TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!! Many BS (betrayed spouses) don't practice any self care - they can eat too much or not at all, they have difficulty sleeping, are prone to depression, etc.
It's super important that you eat healthy (I often had to force myself to eat, but protein drinks worked well), be sure to get some exercise, and try to sleep (see a physician if you must).
Again, I am so sorry you are hurt. This is a really painful thing to experience and can be very difficult to get through. It is an emotional trauma (some - not all - exhibit the classic signs of PTSD when they discover the infidelity). You may have nightmares, you may have "mind movies" about your WH and the AP (affair partner), you may have difficulty focusing. You may experience hypervigilence, obsessive thoughts, etc. These are normal, but can be very hard to cope with. You have found SI, and there are a ton of folks here who are happy to provide insight via sharing their own experiences. Need to vent? Do it here (you may want to consider starting to write in a journal - may not be for everyone, but can be a helpful and healthy way to release some of the emotion that can be overwhelming at times).

Buster123 posted 9/11/2018 23:32 PM

I'm sorry you're here, how did you find out ? did he confess ? it's going to take a very long time for you to overcome his betrayal even if he does all the right things from now on, do they still work together ? if they do the A may have gone deep underground or may resume at any time in the future, search his car for a burner phone, remember he's a proven cheater and a liar, he lied to you in your face for an entire year, As are like an addiction, DEMAND he quits his job or at least to seriously start looking for another one (another consequence of this A), it's a bit too soon for him to be completely remorseful, a year long A is enough for him to develop feelings for OW, he needs to go to IC and find out why he CHOSE to cheat, you may need IC as well to cope with his betrayal and the mind movies, you need to protect yourself, you married a cheater, he risked your health, DEMAND he gets tested for STDs, contact an attorney and DEMAND he signs a Postnup with an infidelity clause in your favor (another consequence of his A), if he cheats again you file for D and take him to the cleaners.

Is the OW married or has a boyfriend ? if she does you need to inform OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) of the A, it's the right thing to do and you can compare notes and have another set of eyes to help ensure NC the A is truly over, keep posting.

wordsofwisdom posted 9/12/2018 00:12 AM

For one thing I ask you to be extra vigilant: his affair is a symptom of a much bigger problem. And rather than asking him "why", I suggest your do some soul searching and ask yourself why did you still married him?

While he is still in a crying phase, please make sure you use it for your advantage to arrange a good post-nup that will protect your financially if/when he cheats on you again in the future if you decide to keep him around (which I personally would not consider even distantly).

Please find a therapist, stick around, read the attached topic in this forum and articles in the healing library, especially on co-dependance.

Your story sucks beyond words.

mrsr33 posted 9/12/2018 08:55 AM

Thankyou for your responses, it helps to know I can talk to someone who knows how I feel..
He broke off the A 4 months before she sent me a message on FB, after she quit working with him. Spiteful, still wanting him back, hoping I would leave the relationship. Both have said there was No sex, but they did "fool around" in safe places at work. There is no spouse on the other end.
I went ahead with the wedding, because I love him, I want to believe him, but I am doubting my decision making every single day.
I've started a new job which takes me away from home in the evenings and needless to say I'm wondering what he's doing all the time. I never saw myself as needy, or a co-dependent until now and this just plain sucks.
Noone knows...We are the perfect couple in so many peoples eyes, and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed.

EyesOpened50 posted 9/12/2018 09:35 AM

Oh what a nightmare!! My heart goes out to you and your children, the honeymoon period is over and you're having second thoughts which are quite normal. The mind moves and second guessing to what he's up to will probably get worse, is he trying to help you by being transparent etc? He didn't even come clean as he was outed - this says a lot about his character, he needs some professional counselling - Individual counselling, especially due to the timing plus no known events to use as an excuse, not that there ever is!

Time to think what you need and want - can he be the man you thought he was and the man you need?

1Faith posted 9/12/2018 09:39 AM

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed

Whereas, this is completely normal and we have all felt the same way please keep telling yourself you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of because you don't.

Give yourself time to process and grieve. You have been betrayed and that truly does take TIME to comprehend and come to terms with.

There will be days you are all in and want nothing more to R and there will be days you question everything and wonder what the hell you are doing. Maddening but normal. Welcome to the rollercoaster ride from HELL.

Take one day and one step at a time.

Please head to the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner. There is a lot of great information there.

Seek IC (individual counseling) to help you find your way back to YOU.

Be kind to yourself and don't try to force yourself to move on when you are clearly not ready.


Robert22205https posted 9/12/2018 09:50 AM

Give yourself 90 days to heal and think about the next step. During this time your H needs to show you through actions (vs just words)that he is remorseful and is a safe partner to be married to.

His crying is not remorse and empty promises is not's the typical cheater reaction to being caught and exposed. It's up to him to fix himself and to fix his marriage.

HouseOfPlane posted 9/12/2018 10:20 AM

mrsr33, the weight of carrying this lie on behalf of both of you is crushing, isn't it? I am guessing no one at the wedding knew, and your adult kids don't know.

So you are living a lie right now, and lies you carry end up dominating your life, as you are constantly mentally working to make sure your actions align with the illusion you are putting on. It is brutal, we know.

You need to be truthful with someone in person, along with us. IC or a really good friend. So you can let that weight down, take the backpack off for a few hours.

But consider that it his backpack full of sharp rocks that you are lugging along, and maybe just take it off permanently. Tell your loved ones what's going on so they can care for you. They'll follow your lead with respect to your husband...eventually...if he deserves it.

Sending strength!

The1stWife posted 9/12/2018 12:53 PM

There is no “why”. You didn’t do anything wrong or do anything at all to push him to an A. Just know he made the choice to cheat.

If you had posted earlier I would have told you to get a pre-nup before the wedding. Now I suggest a post-nup to protect yourself. It basically divides up assets or $ - what is yours is yours and not part of marital assets. Get it done NOW.

It should state “if we D for any reason”. Not due to infidelity or any specific reason. Just in case of D. You married him but may decide in 6 years YOU no longer want to be his wife. The reason is not relevant. But the post-nup will remain valid.

Get yourself a good counselor. One that will help you through the process of infidelity.

Dismayed2012 posted 9/12/2018 14:44 PM

As others have eluded to m33, your feelings are normal. I understand that the revelation put you in a very difficult position. It sounds like the OW was making a last minute ditch attempt at getting you out of the picture by sending you that message just before the wedding. It's an excruciating position to be placed in. Give yourself a couple months before making any big decisions. That should be enough time to take the edge off of the pain and allow your head to clear a little. As another poster said, read in the Healing Library on this site about the difference between remorse and regret. Read also about how to heal from this. Educate yourself and read the experiences of others on this site. The more you understand, the better it is for your healing. Take care of yourself.

wordsofwisdom posted 9/12/2018 15:25 PM

I fully agree with Robert. Also, please consider reading a book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life", it will help you to get some clarity about your current spouse. You should not feel ashamed (although we probably all were). This is not your fault. Your fault might be to allow yourself to put this relationships above your own mental health and sanity.

kansas1968 posted 9/12/2018 15:46 PM

Sounds like you are on the right track for healing. He truly does sound remorseful. He has given you the reason why and it sounds like a truthful one. He was flattered and it was exciting. Once he got in it became difficult to get out, but he did. It will take several years and a lot of talking to get past this, but you can. He is doing the right things to rebuild your trust by sharing all of his passwords and phone.

Like I said, it will take time, it took me five years, but at some point you will be able to let it go. That is if he keeps up doing the right things and lets you heal at your own speed. Hugs and good luck.

Odonna posted 9/12/2018 16:32 PM

The onus is on your WH to show you he is a safe partner. Have him read Jennifer McDonald's excellent book "How to Heal your Spouse from your Affair" which is available free on-line as a pdf. It is short and extremely practical.

You might want to have him take a polygraph to determine whether this stopped short of full-on sex, and also as to whether there were any other inappropriate relationships before the OW. If he passes, you will have an easier time; if not, well then you know what to do. The lying is the very most damaging thing.

And he should be in individual counseling to work on what caused him to make the awful choices he did. He cannot be safe unless he can identify this and set up enforceable boundaries in the future.

Good luck dear.


chaoticjoy3 posted 9/19/2018 14:39 PM

I am sorry you are facing this way at a time that should be so joyful. Praying that one day at a time things get better....

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