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I don't want to be here...

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191403 posted 9/14/2018 21:54 PM

But I am so grateful to have found this forum.

It's Friday night. Two days ago I came home for lunch with my spouse. Sitting next to me on the couch, he told me he had had an affair that lasted for 40 days in June and July. I still can't believe this is my life now.

They were in a community theater production together. She is nearly half his age. She moved to another community near the end of July. I asked if he'd still be with her if she hadn't moved, and he told me he couldn't honestly say no. Because it has been the space and distance from her that has enabled him to see that what he really wants is to be with me.

Today I asked him to move out for at least the length of time that his affair lasted. I can hardly stand to look at him, let alone sit at the dinner table with him and our boys and pretend everything's ok. We will tell the boys on Sunday. Advice on what to say to them? I dread it. But I know I need this time and space if I'm ever going to find the will and energy to work through this with him.

He's acting remorseful, but not sorry enough for me. I am finding him to be completely self-absorbed. It's infuriating.

I can't stop envisioning him with her.

Don't know what more to say right now. Just grateful to know I'm not alone.

Sadismynewname posted 9/14/2018 21:57 PM

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It truly sucks and has been one of the most devastating things in my life too!

Smillie posted 9/14/2018 22:51 PM

Is he still in contact wirh her? Does she have plans to return?

pureheartkit posted 9/14/2018 22:53 PM

Mine is in the entertainment industry too. There is plenty of carrying on in the theater as I understand it and people look the other way because it's so common. Drives me crazy. I watched a drunken theater gal leap onto my WS at a party and start kissing him right as I stood there and watched. That's theater people he said. So I don't have much good memories about his theater days.

I'm glad you're here. This is the best place to be when you don't know what your next thought will be, if you'll cry, if you'll be angry, if you'll lay awake and wonder why and what you'll do with the rest of your life.

His telling you is a good thing. At least he could do that. There are no easy answers. You will have to look inside and decide what you want. Don't settle for anything less than what you need. It's your life and it's important.

The1stWife posted 9/15/2018 00:37 AM

Iím sorry for you. I do t know how old your children are but age appropriate info is the best. You want to be careful b/c if you reconcile you want your children to not have a damaged opinion of their Dad.

A professional can provide guidance if needed.

I never told my kids my H had an A. I just told them we were having problems and I thought they would be resolved.

CatsNTats posted 9/15/2018 02:13 AM

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but it is a good place to be - for advice and support. Read through other posts too. You may just find advice there you can utilize as well. Hang in there. I'd try and give some myself, but my life is kind of sucking as well at the moment. But do try to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, drink water, exercise - practicing self care right now is extremely important.

ibonnie posted 9/15/2018 06:54 AM

We will tell the boys on Sunday. Advice on what to say to them?

It depends on their age. We told our 8-year-old that when people get married, they make a very serious promise to each other to not have other boyfriends or girlfriends. Daddy broke that promise, and that's why Mommy was sad all the time. He was moving out (and in with his AP ) because Mommy needed some time and space to work on getting better.

We answered all the questions he asked as neutrally as possible. We also stressed that his relationship with his dad was different than our relationship with each other, and it wasn't his job to worry about us/our relationship.

ibonnie posted 9/15/2018 06:55 AM

Double post.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 6:56 AM, September 15th (Saturday)]

Wool94 posted 9/15/2018 08:15 AM

I am so sorry you are here.

You've gotten great advice so far.

As CatsNTats stated, please take care of yourself.

Try to eat what you can. If you can't eat, try protein shakes.

I'm sure you aren't sleeping. You are probaby suffering from depression and anxiety.

Believe me, I understand, as well as everyone else on this board.

See your physician. They can help with the sleeping and depression and anxiety.

The most important reason to see your dr is because you need to be tested for STDs.

I know it feels so embarrassing. I felt it too. Your dr has probably seen this a million times. Explain what's going on. He/she can be a valuable resource.

You have *NO* reason to be ashamed. This is 100% on your husband.

It sounds as if you already know that, but I wanted to make it clear.

Do you have anyone to confide in? A preacher, friend, parent, even a stranger on the street can be a helpful ear.

Please stay away from the alcohol. You need a clear head right now to deal with this horrible situation.

Keep posting as well. The weekends can be a little slow, but we'll be here for you.

Robert22205https posted 9/15/2018 09:44 AM

You have just been hit by a truck physically and mentally. Do not make any decision regarding D or R for at least 90 days ....during which you need to recover from this shock before you can make a rational decision.

See your doctor to be tested for STDs, and discuss sleeping and anti anxiety meds (tell your doctor what happened).

Read up on the 180 which is designed to give you space while healing and deciding whether to D or R. Check out the Healing Library.

For example, he sleeps on the couch, does his own wash and cooks his own meals.

It's up to him to attempt to save the marriage. Inform him that he has 90 days to convince you that he's is truly sorry for hurting you and that he is a safe partner going forward. He needs to accept full responsibility.

Do not go to marriage counseling....that's for broken marriages (not broken people). Your husband is broken and needs to fix himself with IC.

Consider IC for yourself to heal from his infidelity.

trustedg posted 9/15/2018 10:08 AM

Sorry you are here but it is a great group.

Along with the STD tests and IC you should see an attorney, just to make sure you and your children are protected in case things don't work out. Get your finances in order too.

There are lots of good reads in the Healing Library, elsewhere on the internet, and books too. I liked "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", it gives you a good idea of what your WH should be doing. Read it, then give it to him.

CrossedArrow posted 9/15/2018 10:42 AM


Don't share any details with your children!

Your boys will grow up not respecting their dad and they might even grow up to think this behavior is ok since their father was ok with it.

I applaud you for kicking him out for the same amount of time as the affair. This displays your strength.

My last thought: your husband is recoverable. He admitted to you. For those that have been stonewalled, gaslit, history revised, counter-blamed, character attacked, you are in position to regain your marriage.

191403 posted 9/15/2018 11:15 AM

Thank you all. You are incredibly helpful.

My boys are 13, 11 and 8. I do not intend to share any details with them. Just something about how all relationships have really good times and really hard times and that we are in the midst of a really hard time right now. And that we (their dad and I) agree that the best way for us to get back to a really good time is to have some time and space apart. And that, above all, we love them and we love our family.

I just hate that I have to have this conversation with them at all.

CincyKid posted 9/15/2018 12:13 PM

DON'T lie to the kids about what he did. They'll find out some day anyway and will be PO'd at you too for lying to them. Tell them the age appropriate truth and let them see that Dad is suffering consequences from his own bad behavior. That is a great life lesson for them that bad behavior has consequences. For 40 days he should be allowed ZERO access to you or the kids. Let him feel what the loss of his family would feel like. That could be a powerful lesson for him.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 8:34 PM, September 15th (Saturday)]

hopeandhealing posted 9/15/2018 13:11 PM

Your plan of what to tell your kids is very consistent with that which our therapist suggested we tell our kids (who are older).

Your children, like you, had no choice in their dad's awful choices. As much as I wanted my WH to receive "consequences" for his selfish actions, and telling the kids would have caused him immeasurable pain, it also would have caused my kids immeasurable pain and forever changed the way they view their father.

For me, I decided if ultimately our r/s ends in divorce, the kids will know why, but if we are in R, I don't want them to know and forever see him differently. When I considered how awful I felt after discover, I just didn't want them to suffer 1% of the pain I felt, so I chose not to disclose to them. They can't unhear it once said.

Good luck to you.

Wool94 posted 9/15/2018 13:32 PM

I also say to tell the kids in an age appropriate way.

Otherwise, they won't be able to understand why you are separated. It can also be turned around on you.

Remember, you are not raising children. You're raising young men who need to learn how to treat people.

They will see how hot handled this now.

You can be a proper example of how to handle it or not. I've never understood what we're protecting our children from.

Life is going to happen to them as well and they will have this to look back on.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:33 PM, September 15th (Saturday)]

oldtruck posted 9/16/2018 07:33 AM

My boys are 13, 11 and 8. I do not intend to share any details with them. Just something about how all relationships have really good times and really hard times and that we are in the midst of a really hard time right now. And that we (their dad and I) agree that the best way for us to get back to a really good time is to have some time and space apart. And that, above all, we love them and we love our family.

This is lying.

This is the truth and age appropriate: married
people do not have BF/GF and go on dates with them.
Well mom/dad had a BF/GF and went out on dates
with ____________, insert AP's name.

No details just the plain fact of what was done
and why this behavior is wrong.

Svon posted 9/16/2018 10:45 AM

I canít believe some of the advice I am reading. Someone actually wrote ďfor 40 days he should be granted no access to you or the kidsĒ? Wtf? Now the kids should be denied their father? Why should they be hurt. This site used to be about support and encouragement. Itís disgusting fhat it has turned into a group that assumes their situation and WS are blueprints for everyone elseís situation. To the original poster, I am so sorry you are going through this. It will hurt like hell, but you will survive. Follow your gut and work on making yourself and children happy and healthy. Only you know your situation, your husband, your desires, and that of your children. Counseling might help you too. It did little for me. Many people say to avoid MC in the beginning. That is certainly one way to handle it, but itís not a rule. We started in week 2 and I am so glad we did. It was honestly more about him talking about what he was thinking, what the affair meant to him, how he feels now. It wasnít even to save our marriage, but to understand what happened and how. Whatever you do, is DO NOT listen to any advice that is given to you as a demand or given. Look at all advice as suggestions as to what has helped others. We are all different. Our marriages are all different. Our needs are all different. You do you, and know that the pain you are in will subside and that we have all felt it.

191403 posted 9/16/2018 12:04 PM

Thank you, Svon.

Postponed conversation with kids. Just can't do it now.

[This message edited by 191403 at 5:58 PM, September 16th (Sunday)]

Wool94 posted 9/16/2018 13:23 PM

I'm sorry you feel as you do. All any of us can give you is from our life experiences.

There's a saying here. Take what you need and leave the rest. I don't agree with all of the advice, but they have every reason to feel as they do.

First and foremost, you should focus on yourself.

Telling the kids or anything else can wait.

Really look at the advice given. Focus on the ones you don't like. Ask yourself why you don't like it.

Usually the advice we don't like is what hits closest to home.

Then again, I'm just a random internet stranger who may or may not know what he's talking about.

That's for you to decide.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:24 PM, September 16th (Sunday)]

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