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Please read - For those of you who have been...

CatsNTats posted 9/17/2018 01:00 AM

following my posts, my story, and this madness of what is my so-called life right now, I want you to know I hear you! I really do. I'm hearing you all louder than I've heard anything before. So many of you have provided me with so much insight on things I could not see for myself (the domestic violence/sexual assault). So many of you have also provided me with a great amount of advice. I have read every single post and although I don't respond to each one, I have appreciated each one greatly.

I want you to know that right now - I'm safe, but I am not out yet.

This last few days has been a real eye opener.

And hearing from you all has helped me to see this relationship in a new light, that no one wants to see their relationship as.

He has spent the last few days not only videoing my pussy in my sleep (as you all have told me - assaulting me), but also trying to break me emotionally and psychologically (DV). So much so that I didn't want to be here anymore.

Once he got me to that place - he left me a cryptic message saying goodbye as if he was going to harm himself. Like he's the one who got hurt. Or he's the one who has been being brow-beat by his partner. Like he's the victim in all of this.

I don't think I've felt any lower than I do right now.

But it's about to shift - even though he won't see it. To avoid any more conflict I'm going to let him think he's the one with the power while I start preparing for my next move.

Next week when my aid comes in I'm going to open a separate (and secret) bank account and shove a chunk of it in there. I'll start socking money away as I go.

I'll start planning from there. It's been scary - but I think if I "play nice" and just let him think he's won the madness may calm down long enough for me to figure out how I get out of this. I can't think when I'm being attacked non-stop. It's taken a toll on my mental health.

If he knows I'm planning to leave - he will threaten suicide (one of his manipulation tactics). He's done it before and last night was the 3rd time. He pulls out what he needs to do it and will walk around with it loaded. I can't keep having to wrestle that shit away from him and would rather avoid having to deal with any more scenarios like that again.

My therapist closed her practice last year - I have just found out, but she did respond to my email and has sent me a list of referrals for me to look into and even suggested which one she thinks I would like the most. I'll be handling that this week.

I haven't decided what to do about the videoing of my pussy, but I am going to put pants on at night as now the violation has happened multiple time.

In the meantime, you all have been a huge help as a support system and I feel I will continue to need the support and advice from the SI family.

I do not want him to find out about this place - as he would lose his shit. He already hates that I have social media, so I am constantly clearing this from my history.

Keep looking out...

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 8:07 PM, September 17th (Monday)]

Justincase posted 9/17/2018 03:20 AM

((Cats)) Do not try to wrestle with a loaded gun. Move away from him and call 911. If he's serious about suicide he'll get the help he needs. If not, he'll think twice before using that manipulation again. It IS manipulation.

Ask me how I know, April 2016 H was arrested for doing the same thing. Actually discharged it into the air (hence the arrest) to make me turn around to check on him. I didn't. All that would have done was acknowledge the bad behavior. I got in my car pulled down the street and called 911.

Take care.

CatsNTats posted 9/17/2018 03:31 AM

@JustinCase I did not last night. Last night was different. The two previous times I did and yes, I know it was stupid. I was just so terrified. And I don't want that for him no matter how awful he's been to me - especially lately.

I did call the cops last night. And one of the other times I called as well. The first time they came out - he was pissed. They didn't do anything though. They put him in cuffs for a little while and what he said was that they raped his phone.

But the cops don't seem to actually care. I went there to let them in last night - called and spoke to someone that I would be there in a few minutes - and they left!!! I specifically called back to let them know my phone wouldn't let me take their "restricted" calls, and that I was on my way and she said she'd let the officer know. 10 minutes later - and they were gone.

The1stWife posted 9/17/2018 11:27 AM

Can you file for a restraining order due to the gun and abuse and get him away from you?

This is absolute madness. You cannot live like this. Iím afraid and very worried for you.

Lalagirl posted 9/17/2018 11:29 AM

Honey, why can't you leave? A shelter for a temporary period of time may not be ideal, but it could save your life. He is escalating and he's warped.

Abusers don't care if you "play nice" - one little "slip" could cost you more than your self-esteem.

Please at least make a call to a DV shelter - they may be able to offer you some ideas.

Hugs!

CatsNTats posted 9/17/2018 12:17 PM

He hasn't pulled one on me. He's pulled it on himself. Then I've had to get it away from him. This time he did not pull one - he was doing what he could to scare me into thinking he was going to because I wasn't home and to get my attention because I blocked him.

Those times in the past were scary. He's suffered with deep depression and alcoholism and won't get help.

As cruel as he can be and has been - verbally and the psychological effect that its had on me has been devastating to my self-esteem and worth. But if there's one thing I know for a fact about his character is that he won't lay a hand on me. And never when he's threatened to harm himself has he ever turned it on me.

Only when he thought he was losing me has he done that to himself.

I have seen him at his maddest - and the worst, most vulgar things he'll say, but he has never raised a fist.

I'm not defending him because he has been terrible to me in the things he's said and done, but I've lived with him for 5 years and I know he won't hit me - or shoot me.

He's done a lot of crazy things - but that's just not one of them. I'll be okay. I can ride this out. I just need to stop letting him tear me down so I can focus on what needs to happen.

I'm scared because I don't know how to get out yet and the psychological effects he has on me has brought me down to a place where I don't physically want to be here - but I'm not going to hurt myself. I won't. I can't. The emotional abuse has had that big of an effect on me though. Right now I'm just so drained. Physically and mentally exhausted from it all that I don't want to function.

There's a toddler in my life that means the world to me and I don't want her to grow up without the aunt that raised her for the first 2 years of her life.

It takes everything in me just to squeeze in 30 min of yoga a day and I still feel as bad. I've lost 4 lbs in a week because of the rock in my stomach and my nerves are wracked.

I don't understand how he could be this way to me and cheat on me when he claims I'm the woman who saved his life. I feel violated. Wronged. But I don't feel he'd ever physically take my life.

I appreciate all of your concerns - but please don't worry. If I can survive the psychological/mental/emotional part of this - I will be okay. I promise.

It just doesn't feel okay right now - but nothing feels okay right now.

I will promise you two that if I feel like there's even a possibility he may do something I will get out right then. I promise. If I'm one thing at all - I'm a woman of my word.


Lalagirl posted 9/17/2018 12:20 PM

((((CatsNTats))))

Be safe, love.

Be safe.

Praying for you!

heartbroken_kk posted 9/17/2018 18:10 PM

CatsNTats, I'm going to say this as nicely as I can. "He won't lay a finger on me" is excusing his emotional violence against you, as if somehow physical violence is really bad, but emotional abuse is not. This is bullshit. He is harming you right now. He is injuring you right now.

My XWH abused me emotionally and psychologically manipulated me. I ended up in therapy for 5 years to figure out how to get over the abuse that was not apparent to me, and which I made excuse after excuse for. I was diagnosed with PTSD and yes, he never laid a finger on me.

This man is harming you. You should seriously consider going to a shelter to get away from him immediately.

ShutterHappy posted 9/17/2018 18:43 PM

This man is harming you. You should seriously consider going to a shelter to get away from him immediately.

I echo this. Please stay safe.

You can play chicken with an incoming train as many times as you want, but you can only lose once.

Think about it.

tushnurse posted 9/17/2018 19:31 PM

You are deluding yourself. Abusers ALWAYS escalate. It's the only way they know how to control.
Ask the lady in Colorado if she ever believed her spouse would hurt her. She believed the same thing you did. Not only did he kill her but he killed the kids too.

Please reach out to a shelter. Pack and hide your go bag. Clothes for a few days. Some $$ and any important docs like a passport. Put it together a d put it where you can grab it and go. Also be ready to dial 911.

Prepare your exit. You are not alone but you are minimizing your abuse and abuser. Prepare for the worst hope for the best. This is a mantra that will save your life.

CatsNTats posted 9/17/2018 20:00 PM

@heartbroken_kk I'm not excusing the emotional violence. Both emotional and physical violence of any kind are bad.

I'm just saying, if there is one thing I know he won't do - he won't get physical.

I'm going to seek IC asap for what I'm feeling now and this place he's put me into.

But the backlash of me leaving now is worse than me planning a smooth escape. I've had enough in the last 2 weeks - and losing everything, including my animals is not an option to me.

I need to know that when I go, that's it. Making a ton of trips to come back here to pack will just escalate things.

He's made me feel terrible and I will leave if things turn in a direction that I need to get out.

But it is not the time. I need to be ready. And I can't tell you that I wouldn't come back because he has had that kind of emotional hold on me.

I know it's there now. I really do see what is going on - I'm not weak, I just feel that way.

When the person you love the most in the world can be so cruel - it's devastating.

But this isn't the person he's always been. I know he's sick. Alcoholism is a very damaging thing. And it has damaged him more than I think he'll ever realize.

I actually do know how to defend myself should the need arise. I'm not afraid of him in the physical sense.

I grew up with a monster. And I learned to defend myself at a very young age.

In early July - I saw a woman being physically assaulted in broad day light ---no one was stopping. I stopped. Then I stopped the man who had her gushing blood out of her head - and during that time it still took the police 20 minutes to show up. Had I not done what I did - she might be dead.

I have fought off a man who held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun who then shot at two of the neighbors because instead of calling the cops - they decided to come outside and see what was going on.

I may be small - but I'm not weak in that sense. I may have let this continue to happen because I couldn't see what was going on at one point, but I would never let a man hit me or get physically violent. And if he ever did - that would have been the end of it.

I do not take that lightly.

If I need to act quickly - I will. If I have an instinct - it is that.

Many people don't see the emotional abuse or recognize it - and don't see it coming on. I see it now for what it is. I really do.

The hard part is getting back to a healthy state of mind after it's been inflicted for so long. I wish he'd get the help he needs, but the chances of that are slim.

But I will get the help I need. I will come out of this and I will be okay.

seekers posted 9/17/2018 20:09 PM

Abusers ALWAYS escalate

This. I worry you are too assured in him not doing anything physical to harm you. Please listen to the advice.

CatsNTats posted 9/17/2018 23:30 PM

I have a lot going on outside of just these issues with him.

My mother was in a bad car accident yesterday. I'm not able to just up and leave right now. She is okay but concussed and her passenger has broken ribs, tail bone, and another fracture somewhere (I can't remember). I need to be available and I can't just disappear. I do not want to put the burden of this on her right now. She's got enough stress and is also a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and I can NOT have her relapsing right now or coming off her meds because she "forgot" because she was distracted by the shit in my life.

I'm right in the throes of a very difficult class with an huge exam in less than a week. 2 exams within 2 days of each other. I sleep days, work nights and study during the overnight hours - when I'm able to focus. I have to have access to my computer, printer and other materials I've collected over the years.

I can not fail this class or I lose my aid and risk not getting into nursing school. I have to pull myself back together and focus.

It's easy to say - leave. It's not always easy to do - and not every situation is the same. Sometimes life is complicated and you have to ride it out. And that is what I have to do right now.

You may think I'm stupid for staying - but I'm not staying for him and it's my choice. And right now this is what I feel I need to do.

IF he does escalate - I will get the eff out of dodge quickly.

tushnurse posted 9/18/2018 07:21 AM

I do not think you are stupid for staying, but do NOT underestimate what he will and won't do.
Every wife ever killed by her spouse also believed he would never kill them, and don't say yah but this is different, because it's not.

Unwell people do unwell things.

Be ready to bolt.

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