Where to start. I am hoping that posting here will somehow magically help me start functioning again. So this will probably be long. I (34 BW) am 3 weeks post DDay with my WH (35) we have 2 kids 7 and 3.
The details. I found underwear hidden under my nightstand after I bought a new one and went to get rid of the old one. I waited until the kids were in bed and calmly confronted him. I asked him/told him if he wanted a chance at keeping our marriage he had to tell me the truth and to keep in mind I may know some details already. I had no concrete proof. Just my suspicions over the years that he had been inappropriate with a friend of mine turned friend of ours.
He started to cry and said he did indeed have an inappropriate relationship with this friend. I lost it. And threw the underwear at him. After I stormed out and returned hours later I came to find out the underwear were in fact underwear he stole from various people to masturbate too. Which in and of itself, is gross. I am actually not even mad about it. I am destroyed over the affair.
To make matters worse I was supposed to be in this friends wedding last weekend. Obviously I called her up and told her exactly how I felt. After questioning my husband more and after he accepted that if he wanted a chance at R he had to come clean. They had relations 5 times. During these times the OP pegged him. He claims it started before my son was born and ended shortly after he was born when he told the OP that he couldn't carry on any more.
He says he didn't have traditional sex with her and that he was struggling with coming to terms with the fact that he was/is Bi and that my sex drive was at an all time low and it felt good to feel something new. He also fallowed that up with admitting that it was in no way an excuse to cheat and that he knows it was wrong. This is the first I'm hearing of him being bi. I guess I've always suspected it but if he is Bi why a female?
I think the thing I am struggling with the most is I feel as though I am not being true to myself. As though I am somehow betraying myself since I always said I would never stay with a cheater. I always said I had more self respect than that. Yet here I am. I told him to delete her off everything and it took him THREE times of me asking for him to do it. The last time I opened his phone when he was sleeping and confronted him when he hadn't done it and went and slept on the couch. He came out crying and when I asked why he hadn't done it he said it was hard for him to accept what he had done. That it was hard for him to accept that he ruined a 12 year friendship for me and an 18 year relationship for us.
I have been on a semi self destructive path, I have been written up at work for performance, spent $300 on new clothes on my credit card, taken to drinking with friends at bars, gotten pulled over for a DUI and thankfully didn't get one, flirted at bars, flirted with friends, smoked a ton of weed, cried, been suicidal, dropped 10 pounds, it is insane.
So why do I want R? Our relationship since our Daughter has been amazing. Seriously the best years of my life. Hes cried a lot begged for me to try to make it work that I wont regret it. I told him he could date me. I don't wear my ring anywhere except family functions because very few people know. We had our first date last Friday, I had lots of tears, he talked a lot said he wants me to fall in love gain. I hope I do because the pain is eating me alive and ironically I hate seeing him so hurt which is weird cause he did this not me. He had 5 chances to say no and he said yes 5 times more than he should have. We start counseling soon btw. date tbd since we work opposite shifts.
The range of emotions I feel in a single day is insane. The anxiety attacks are subsiding but the depression is serious and the few people that do know I don't want to overwhelm and scare away. Thanks for listening SI.
