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They always made me uncomfortable

wazntspsd2bme posted 9/18/2018 13:41 PM

Where to start. I am hoping that posting here will somehow magically help me start functioning again. So this will probably be long. I (34 BW) am 3 weeks post DDay with my WH (35) we have 2 kids 7 and 3.

The details. I found underwear hidden under my nightstand after I bought a new one and went to get rid of the old one. I waited until the kids were in bed and calmly confronted him. I asked him/told him if he wanted a chance at keeping our marriage he had to tell me the truth and to keep in mind I may know some details already. I had no concrete proof. Just my suspicions over the years that he had been inappropriate with a friend of mine turned friend of ours.

He started to cry and said he did indeed have an inappropriate relationship with this friend. I lost it. And threw the underwear at him. After I stormed out and returned hours later I came to find out the underwear were in fact underwear he stole from various people to masturbate too. Which in and of itself, is gross. I am actually not even mad about it. I am destroyed over the affair.

To make matters worse I was supposed to be in this friends wedding last weekend. Obviously I called her up and told her exactly how I felt. After questioning my husband more and after he accepted that if he wanted a chance at R he had to come clean. They had relations 5 times. During these times the OP pegged him. He claims it started before my son was born and ended shortly after he was born when he told the OP that he couldn't carry on any more.

He says he didn't have traditional sex with her and that he was struggling with coming to terms with the fact that he was/is Bi and that my sex drive was at an all time low and it felt good to feel something new. He also fallowed that up with admitting that it was in no way an excuse to cheat and that he knows it was wrong. This is the first I'm hearing of him being bi. I guess I've always suspected it but if he is Bi why a female?

I think the thing I am struggling with the most is I feel as though I am not being true to myself. As though I am somehow betraying myself since I always said I would never stay with a cheater. I always said I had more self respect than that. Yet here I am. I told him to delete her off everything and it took him THREE times of me asking for him to do it. The last time I opened his phone when he was sleeping and confronted him when he hadn't done it and went and slept on the couch. He came out crying and when I asked why he hadn't done it he said it was hard for him to accept what he had done. That it was hard for him to accept that he ruined a 12 year friendship for me and an 18 year relationship for us.

I have been on a semi self destructive path, I have been written up at work for performance, spent $300 on new clothes on my credit card, taken to drinking with friends at bars, gotten pulled over for a DUI and thankfully didn't get one, flirted at bars, flirted with friends, smoked a ton of weed, cried, been suicidal, dropped 10 pounds, it is insane.

So why do I want R? Our relationship since our Daughter has been amazing. Seriously the best years of my life. Hes cried a lot begged for me to try to make it work that I wont regret it. I told him he could date me. I don't wear my ring anywhere except family functions because very few people know. We had our first date last Friday, I had lots of tears, he talked a lot said he wants me to fall in love gain. I hope I do because the pain is eating me alive and ironically I hate seeing him so hurt which is weird cause he did this not me. He had 5 chances to say no and he said yes 5 times more than he should have. We start counseling soon btw. date tbd since we work opposite shifts.

The range of emotions I feel in a single day is insane. The anxiety attacks are subsiding but the depression is serious and the few people that do know I don't want to overwhelm and scare away. Thanks for listening SI.

Coreofsteel posted 9/18/2018 13:53 PM

I'm sorry you're here. You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, we all get it. You're in the right place for support and understanding.

Please take a look at the healing library up there at the top left of the page for some very valuable information. In the forums under "I can relate", there is a thread about double betrayal, which is when a friend is the OP.

Currently you really won't be able to make decision about reconciliation vs divorce. I would seek out counselling just for yourself right now. It's too early for marriage counselling.

Take care of you. Gently, the self-sabotage is going to hurt only you. Put down the alcohol and drugs. It's just causing you harm. Try to focus on eating, drinking water, and trying to sleep.

Keep reading and posting here. It helps.

LizM posted 9/18/2018 14:33 PM

Sorry you're here (((((hugs))))))

What Coreofsteel said is good individual counseling first before you do marriage counseling. Your WH has a lot of shit he needs to figure out about himself before he can be a safe partner for you. Once he gets that sorted out, then you can start the marriage counseling. The whole excuse of him being bisexual...that makes zero sense. Just because someone is bisexual doesn't mean they can't be faithful. My inclination is to think it is more of a sex addiction and he wants to have sex with everyone. Whatever it is, he needs to figure it out with individual counseling.

For your part, it's totally understandable that you're feeling crazy right now. Getting pulled over for DUI is scary...that could've been really bad for you and your kids! I hope that was a wake up call for you to stop drinking right now. I'm glad you found SI to help you get through this.

Cooley2here posted 9/18/2018 14:49 PM

Your husband has way too many issues to deal with for the two of you to think you can fix things by yourselves. He needs deep, intense therapy. He needs to be honest with himself about what he does and who he does it with. I think, sadly, you have only seen the tip of the iceberg. Demand that he get himself into therapy ASAP
He has been stealing underwear from other people. That is beyond anything normal and he has to deal with tons of issues. Please do not take this lightly and do not think you can fix it because you cannot. This might take years.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:50 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 9/18/2018 19:08 PM

Iím sorry for you. May I suggest stopping the weed and alcohol as they are not helping.

He thinks he is bisexual
He steals underwear
He cheats with your friend

You need a counselor just for you. Get grounded. Get your support team together. Get your focus back on track as a mother and parent. You are no good your anyone in jail for DWI or DUI.

Keep posting here - you will get good advice and support.

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