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BS Questions for WS's - Part 13

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Tanner posted 2/28/2020 16:35 PM

WW had several long distance EAís over a 1 year period 9/18-8/19. In June 2019 she met a guy at a bar and had a 2 month PA.
After Dday I got the time line and they were physically together 5 times. I went through our text conversations and noticed that every time right after she was with him she would text me and say ďI canít wait to see you, I need you, l need sexĒ, etc.
Our sex life has always been great, she assures me the affair was an escape not about sex she said she would feel guilty and want to make an immediate connection with me. Sex was just the price of admission to the A. Would like some insight.

[This message edited by Tanner at 6:24 AM, February 29th (Saturday)]

AintGonnaLose posted 2/29/2020 02:21 AM

WSísó did you find that you had become entitled and unfairly negative towards your BS as a result of the infidelity, maybe developing disdain or contempt towards them? Any rewriting of marital history to go along with it? How long did it take you to see that? Were you ever able to pinpoint specific ways? What made you realize it, and how did you react when your BS tried to point it out?

Iím interested in hearing from men and women if anyone has the time.

[This message edited by AintGonnaLose at 2:22 AM, February 29th (Saturday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 3/2/2020 10:45 AM

Tanner,

Sex was just the price of admission to the A. Would like some insight.

In my case I was looking for the attention, the ego stroking and being made to feel wanted. Sex was a cost of admission for me as well, but I won't deny that I pursued it too.

I was diagnosed with depression after my A. So that may have played a part in my looking for the lift I got from the A. Much like you I have a special needs son who takes a lot out of us. That and daily life getting in the way and BW and I forgot to look after ourselves and our M.

MY AP made me feel special, granted she bullshit me as much as i did her and I willingly lapped up all the compliments, etc. That was the drug I craved.

I should have opened up to my BW, but sadly I didn't and went off and had an A. It took a lot of soul searching to understand my whys.

Slowly_Breaking posted 3/2/2020 12:01 PM

Waywards, why the anger?

My wife had an exit affair. Iíve not asked her to pick me. Iíve been focusing on my healing. Iím trying to get our affairs settled. Sheís moved out but still needs to come get the remainder of her things.

Sheís been emailing me about a rather small matter, but all she does is spew venom at me, and has become SO FIXATED on this item. Blames me for it being an issue, demands I deal with it.

Why is there so much hostility? Iíve literally left her to have her space and recently, sheís just gone off the rails with hostility.

Once her things are gone we wonít have to talk about anything until Divorce. And Iím looking forward to it because I just need the space from her and her anger.

Awan posted 3/3/2020 01:43 AM

WS, when your BW found out and you decided to leave your OW, strictly NC after DDay and stay with your BW is it out of fear or love? Can you really erase OW from your life completely?

I can only imagine if I really love a person and we had a relationship and suddenly it has come to an end abruptly I would be missing that person at least.

My WH told me he doesn't miss his OW or even thinking about her at all since now he knows truly how much I love him and 2 weeks prior to DDay he felt like I become the wife he's been missing for so long (a pathetic excuse I know) but I find it hard to believe.

MrCleanSlate posted 3/3/2020 16:20 PM

Awan,

This is an ongoing issue with all BS and WS.

In my case I broke up with my AP before D-Day, so I had no 'break-up grief'.

I realized that I was using my AP. I didn't really care about her. Looking back I know that I never did. I used her for the selfish ego stroking that I was looking for at the time.

In some really twisted way I started the A to get some marriage counselling - because I was too afraid to talk to my wife about my and our problems. That is a much longer story than I will get into here. The point though is that sometimes it isn't about love or sex. Sometimes it is about taking and being selfish.

Awan posted 3/3/2020 19:13 PM

Awan,
This is an ongoing issue with all BS and WS.

In my case I broke up with my AP before D-Day, so I had no 'break-up grief'.

I realized that I was using my AP. I didn't really care about her. Looking back I know that I never did. I used her for the selfish ego stroking that I was looking for at the time.

In some really twisted way I started the A to get some marriage counselling - because I was too afraid to talk to my wife about my and our problems. That is a much longer story than I will get into here. The point though is that sometimes it isn't about love or sex. Sometimes it is about taking and being selfish.

So many times I wonder if my WH broke it off with his OW before DDay will things be better for us now?
The thing is I still firmly believe had I not caught him he will continue the A regardless what he said about him wanting to end the A early this year. I just don't see the evidences backing up his statement.

I know my H is a text book NARC but My God he has no conscious at all and now that everything is revealed I can see it so clearly.

BraveSirRobin posted 3/4/2020 11:35 AM

Waywards, why the anger?
My wife had an exit affair. Iíve not asked her to pick me. Iíve been focusing on my healing
.Well, you answered your own question. You didn't play the pick-me dance, beg for a second chance, and display how crushed you were to lose her. Instead of the high of two men vying for her, she now has to hope that her other option works out, or she'll be discarded and alone. In typical wayward fashion, she's making this your fault, because "if you'd appreciated what you had, the A wouldn't have been necessary."

Nolife posted 3/4/2020 14:04 PM

Have you ever been in the position of a ONS I mean youíre climbing on top And decide at the last minute This is a mistake and you donít want it. Maybe anytime time before or during? Youíre not attracted to him and her and youíre starting to feeling guilt and shame and if so how did you get through it? Did you think of having your wife instead of them? Did you do the deed? Did you try and lose it? Did you get through it but thinking ugly thoughts about your wife? Just Curious if this happens.

Slowly_Breaking posted 3/5/2020 14:58 PM

Waywards,

My wife has been very angry and hostile recently. After I caught her, she basically left and never came back, had a place a few weeks later.

I was met with mostly silence. I did the 180 for my healing, she never really reached out. When we had to speak about matters relating to the house and finances, itís been hostile

Recently, shortly after a hostile outburst, sheís mentioned that she wants to talk. Her tone in her recent communication is different, not compassionate but not hostile either

What am I to expect? I suspect sheís going to try to alleviate some her her guilt, and Iím not interested in that.

brokenInDenver posted 3/5/2020 18:27 PM

Why did she cheat on me with someone who was such a bad fit for her?

The guy my WW cheated on me with seem like her opposite. Admittedly the guy has an amazing job and he can be really witty/funny but he's not attractive, he's overweight, shorter than she, balding, smokes (which my wife abhors), belongs to 'the other' political party (not going there), is of a different religious affiliation, likes to gamble (another thing the wife hates) and she says the only meaningful conversations they had were about work. OK so... wtf?

Did any of you cheat on your BS with someone you wouldn't ordinarily even want to date? If so... can you help me understand why? Sincerely appreciate any/all help.

Walkingthewire posted 3/7/2020 14:48 PM

I came to ask the same question as Nolife.

I always wonder if he thought about me when the act was going on. But I've never had the lady balls to bluntly ask questions like that.

Nolife posted 3/8/2020 12:49 PM

OK the therapist says that his story on his ONS donít make sense. What she says is heís filled in things and in his mind he believes them to be true since the one night stand took place 39 years ago now and he told me May 2019.
So she says for my brain to be able to have full acceptance to stop my triggers and my dreams he has to come to terms and we have to try to find The truth so that my brain will be in an acceptance.
He agrees that the story he told makes absolutely no sense and he donít know how to read the truth from his memories because he says why would I say something if itís not the truth. So heís battling that question.
Has any other wayword spouse Dealt with anything like this?

So The story goes like this his.
We were separated we got back together from his first infidelity at the fifth year of our marriage a lot about what took place on first infidelity it wasnít to the point of sex but he didnít tell me for 40 years the truth About what he was doing with his hands under the covers and keep saying he wasnít doing anything wrong.
That infidelity caused us to break up at the second year after the first infidelity of our marriage during that time is when a social friend of mine told him a lie about something I said. She invited him and his frind back to her condo with her and her female friend supposedly bar had called last call. His Friend fell asleep in the car waiting on her female friend to show up. She showed up briefly said he was asleep in the car and she was going home. he said she left he got up to leave and thatís when she kissed him and lead him to the bedroom she took her dress off and then she kissed him again. He got on and prematured ejaculated he tried to continue and she asked him angrily if he wanted to stop because there was nothing to work with.
He said he rolled off he told her( he wasnít ready for this). While he was putting on his pants . Said all he could feel was guilt and shame during the whole sexual act and even worse now. Said all I could think about was this was wrong he didnít love her he had no feelings for and he just thought about me and what he had done.
He said that he remembers her telling him
ď that she said he didnít have to tell me she said it, but I was wrong about himĒ.
That he thought she was trying to make him feel better. That donít make no sense according to therapist.
Said he asked Where the bathroom was to clean up. He said he just wanted to get outta of there.
He said he went out side And friend was gone. So He went to The door ring the bell she came to the door he told her his friend is gone wanted to know if he could use the phone. She said she would give him a ride she close the door left him standing outside. She went and got dressed came out told him that she had to hurry up because she had to get her daughters to church. she had told him she had two daughters 16 and eight and he said at that point he started thinking about holy crap I hope those children were not in the house he said he felt like shit. He said the ride back to where his motorcycle was at his friends house was a long ride they did not talk he told her where to take him he had her take him to two streets from his friends house and let him out and he act like he was walking up to the house as she drove off then he went and got on his motorcycle from there and he said he went to Samboís restaurant looking for me in road by my house before heading home. He got home got in the shower he said he couldnít wash off what he had done said he felt disgusting and filthy.

Fast forward! When he said he had an affair I told him I couldnít handle the fact of him ejaculating in another woman I didnít know if I could handle it. Then the story began at first he lost his hard while he was doing the trickle truth for nine months then told me a about premature ejaculation. That I can beleive Because if he hasnít had sex in a while it happens.
So he Trying to hide the fact that he ejaculated because he was afraid that I would leave him. So two weeks later he said she come up to him and ask him if he was OK with everything and that she donít want no strings attached. Therapist says that donít make no sense. Then he said when he was outside leaving the bar that same night she come back up to him and asked if he wanted to come back. Therapist says that donít make no sense either.
Therapist said women do not come back affair a one night stand with thereís no physical attraction to her and a man has had premature ejaculation and could get it up a second time and after they have told you theyíre not ready for this. Especially if it wouldnít come up again after the first premature ejaculation. She said they definitely are not going to worry about your state of mind to weeks later and ask you to come back and try again.
Bs to Ws whatís your thoughts have you Dealt with this and how do you figure out whatís the truth? Did he make up things as he went? He having a hard time understanding why he think there real and why would he create all these lies. He says he remembers the act like it was yesterday he remembers her asking him if he wanted to stop because he knew she had not reached orgasm because it was just a few strokes. He said he remembers that she was not tight he said the saying little women big hole big women little hole fit the bill. Why would he remember things like that? How do I help him too? We need to get passed this. He did have a third infidelity at the 7th year but came clean. Married 45 yearís!

[This message edited by Nolife at 4:34 PM, March 9th (Monday)]

ladyphoenix posted 3/9/2020 09:23 AM

I find this thread very helpful.

Iím wondering where I can find parts 1-12?

hikingout posted 3/13/2020 09:34 AM

Our sex life has always been great, she assures me the affair was an escape not about sex she said she would feel guilty and want to make an immediate connection with me. Sex was just the price of admission to the A. Would like some insight.

I would say that I was less interested in the sex aspects and more interested in the attention. I was in a very bad place - depressed, exhausted, empty nest, mid-life, you name it. I didn't have the coping skills needed to deal with it - I escaped my life instead of managing it. Living in a fantasy world was much easier. It was self medicating and avoidance. Ignoring my reality, and kind of reverting back to my irresponsible youth.

I had a great sex life with my husband, always have. I wasn't seeking sex, I was seeking an escape. I wasn't even escaping him or our marriage, I was escaping me.

hikingout posted 3/13/2020 09:45 AM

WSísó did you find that you had become entitled and unfairly negative towards your BS as a result of the infidelity, maybe developing disdain or contempt towards them? Any rewriting of marital history to go along with it? How long did it take you to see that? Were you ever able to pinpoint specific ways? What made you realize it, and how did you react when your BS tried to point it out?
Iím interested in hearing from men and women if anyone has the time.

I think most waywards do this unless they are super good compartmentalizers. It's difficult to do something wrong without justifying it.

Prior to the affair, I had reached a point of physical and emotional exhaustion. I didn't have boundaries to say "no" to things, and I was always hustling and overdoing to feel worthy of my family's love.

I twisted it around in my mind. I felt like H had too many expectations, that he wanted an employee/assistant rather than a wife. I felt unseen. I blamed him for all that. The reality is that I was the one who had these expectations on myself in order to see myself as the perfect wife and mom. I never said no or placed boundaries on my time because I was conflict avoidant, people pleasing, and didn't feel like I was worthy enough to say no. I had grown to resent it, but it was an atmosphere I created. When I had the affair, H was an easy scape goat rather than taking responsibility for my own life, my own actions, and my own happiness.

I don't think my h was able to point it out exactly at first, because he really had no idea. It took about six months probably after the A was over to start seeing some of that and accepting it. The IC actually made me stop doing anything for anyone else, and then adding back. That was a very difficult thing for me to do, because I really did associate that was what I was loved for. And, to come home to a husband who I had cheated on and tell him that's what I needed to do...that was beyond uncomfortable. But, we worked it out. We hired some help, and I used the extra time to work on myself. I saw for the first time through that I was loved for me and that killed me that I had the keys all along.

As far as not being seen, I realized next that I had been a perfectionist all my life and again it was a way of feeling worthy in front of others. It was rooted in shame. I had to go and figure out the origins of that shame and resolve those things. I learned that because of it, I was never really being fully authentic in going along with everything and being people pleasing. So, it wasn't my husband didn't want to "see" me, I wasn't showing him who I was. I would say that whole process took somewhere close to the full first year.

Waywards often have some deep seated issues that are hidden from their view. The first step is for them to see it (Getting to their whys) and then the next is for them to start changing those patterns of behaviors. It takes a long time, longer than I would have ever imagined. But, doing so has changed a lot of my skills in both coping and in being a partner in a relationship. Hope your WS finds their path too.

hikingout posted 3/13/2020 10:01 AM

Why did she cheat on me with someone who was such a bad fit for her?
The guy my WW cheated on me with seem like her opposite. Admittedly the guy has an amazing job and he can be really witty/funny but he's not attractive, he's overweight, shorter than she, balding, smokes (which my wife abhors), belongs to 'the other' political party (not going there), is of a different religious affiliation, likes to gamble (another thing the wife hates) and she says the only meaningful conversations they had were about work. OK so... wtf?
Did any of you cheat on your BS with someone you wouldn't ordinarily even want to date? If so... can you help me understand why? Sincerely appreciate any/all help.

Yep, I did this for sure. The person I chose wasn't appropriate at all.

I think it's sometimes more about proximity and opportunity when an affair starts, for one thing. Getting too close to someone or enjoying their attention too much.

But, the weird thing is you begin to rely on that. You aren't really interested in the person themselves, you are interested in how they are making you feel. Then, somewhere in all that because of how that is feeling you begin just projecting things on that person that aren't really there. Very hard to understand, I realize. But for me it was never, oh I saw this person and just couldn't control myself. It was more I was in a really bad space, didn't take responsibility to get myself out, and started relying on this person to make me feel good. That's a dangerous downhill situation.

Tanner posted 3/17/2020 18:43 PM

I had a great sex life with my husband, always have. I wasn't seeking sex, I was seeking an escape. I wasn't even escaping him or our marriage, I was escaping me.

Hikingout.

Thanks for the reply, you are valuable contributor here and was hoping you would answer my question. A lot of what you say here and on other posts match up with what W says about her infidelity. Thanks again very helpful.

Slowly_Breaking posted 3/24/2020 12:19 PM

Waywards,

Why would you be NC with your BS? Weíve separated and we were on decent terms after we had the talk (about how it was my fault she cheated, but she takes responsibility for not telling me she wanted to separate and cheated instead)

She messaged over a week ago after we had to speak about something. Radio silence. She knows she has hurt me in the worst way. She knows Iím in isolation for COVID yet she hasnít reached out to me.

I know itís for the beat, but man, whatís going through the mind of a WS in NC?

hikingout posted 3/24/2020 14:03 PM

Slowly breathing,

I am not sure if you will get any responses from a WS in NC with their spouse. In the time I have been here, typically you only find WS who participate because they want to R. The ones who don't never really stay. Few outliers to that but I can't think of any that are in NC who aren't falling over themselves wishing they weren't and trying.

So, I can only say as a wayward, some of us get stuck. Some stuck in their own shame, some stuck in their own selfish narrative, and some it's a bit of both. One thing for sure is most of the time the stuff WS is doing has little to do with their BS but the stories they tell themselves about the situation to make themselves feel better. I am not sure that helps or not.

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