"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MomBroken3 posted 12/17/2018 08:48 AM

Hi, I’m new here. I want to tell my story but it’s going to take me some time to type & want to address my biggest issue right now.
Telling the OP H.

I’ve wanted to. Many times. We are 6 months out from d-day. I read the recommendation that I should tell him because I would want someone to tell me. Trust me I want nothing more than to ruin OPs little bubble she lives in. However, at some point over the course of the A, OP H caught her texting my WS something calling him “sexy”. OP H texted my WS and told him to “leave her alone or I’ll kick your face in” or something threatening in nature per my WS. Maybe just angry words, who knows?
The A continued and I don’t know what extent he knew about it at all. My guess is that she just got better at hiding it.
So, my concerns:
1. What if he knows already and doesn’t care and they just live this life together for their kids?
2. What if he makes more threats at my WS. What if he comes to our house or place of work? Tries to hurt my WS due to anger that is maybe hard to direct at his own WS?
3. What if the OP tries to act out against me for outing her?

I’m concerned for whatever repercussions telling him may bring to me/us/our family. Especially since we are in a place of working to R. Is it too late to tell him? He didn’t do me the same courtesy when he caught something. Does that matter? Guidance appreciated.

teek920 posted 12/17/2018 09:00 AM

Hi there, i am brand new on here as well. i am a BS, 1 month exactly since dday.

I dont want to say to go ahead and do it because there are other factors at play and risks involved. I will say that i wish i was told. the OP W knew about my WS and didnt say anything to me. their situation was different because they were separating, but it was still an A and hard for her to deal with im sure. when i found out, i reached out to her and let her know the extent of their actions. eventho she knew, she was still being lied to about it being over. i didnt tell her that i wish she would have told me, even though i do wish that. not everyone wants to make that choice to tell someone such awful news.

i always felt like its common courtesy to inform them, but i realize now that its not so black and white. if you are worried about violence or retribution, i would probably steer clear.

whatever you decide, i hope you find your happiness and peace through all this. take care

Butforthegrace posted 12/17/2018 09:19 AM

Tell him. Do it ASAP. Don't tell your WH in advance. You won't regret it. These "worries" are just boxing at shadows.

Freeme posted 12/17/2018 09:21 AM

However, at some point over the course of the A, OP H caught her texting my WS something calling him “sexy”. OP H texted my WS and told him to “leave her alone or I’ll kick your face in” or something threatening in nature per my WS. Maybe just angry words, who knows?

Yes, the OBS should have told you. His WW might have told him you were ill, or violent, or vengeful or... whatever...Had he told you, you would have kept tabs on your WH while he was keeping tabs on his WW and the affair might have ended there. Many BS strike out via text when they find out some guy is texting their wife's. You don't know what that message said. It could have said something like "you looked sexy today at work". This could have been interpreted as your WH was pursuing his wife and she could have convinced him that she had nothing to do with it as was just as shocked as he was to read the message.

It's not too late to tell him what you found out. He might be able to give you details your husband is lying to you about.

The longer you wait the harder it becomes.

Baseballmom posted 12/17/2018 09:24 AM

Completely understand all of your concerns and questions, but ultimately none of those things are within your control...could they all happen, yes. Is it possible that none of that could happen, yes.

Bottom line is YOU did not create this mess, the OW and your WS did, and they own the fallout from it not YOU. I think it is completely unfair to keep another spouse in the dark when you know about the affair. I would tell him and provide what evidence you have to prove that what you are saying is truth. Wouldn't you want to know?

MomBroken3 posted 12/17/2018 09:43 AM

Everything you are all saying makes total sense. I don’t know why i feel like vomiting at the thought of telling him.

Additionally, I imagine this will create potential for the OW to contact my WS. He’s had no contact but there was never a formal NC done. You see, he offered, but I didn’t tell him to do it because I wanted her to reach out to him and then me tell her off myself. However, she never has reached out. And I only found this website a week ago. So do I tell her BH first or does he do NC first?

Baseballmom posted 12/17/2018 09:48 AM

Tell him.

Chaos posted 12/17/2018 09:54 AM

I'm going to sum it up question by question.

1. What if he knows already and doesn’t care and they just live this life together for their kids?

That's his issue not yours

2. What if he makes more threats at my WS. What if he comes to our house or place of work? Tries to hurt my WS due to anger that is maybe hard to direct at his own WS?

That's what 911 is for

3. What if the OP tries to act out against me for outing her?

That's what 911 is for

Don't make the same mistake I did and not tell. I didn't. I thought I was doing the right thing. I had several professionals and a religious leader all tell me to focus on me and my marriage - not them or theirs. All it accomplished was allowing WH/AP to go underground. Long story short - I only recently found out. When I did - I finally told OBS. I didn't tell WH first - I simply went outside and made the call [I'd found his contact info. previously and kept it handy - just in case].

It went something like this "Hello - my name is Chaos - your wife [insert name here] and my husband [insert name here] have been having an affair. It was discovered on [insert DDay1 here] and I never told you. I just found out it continued and they are still actively in contact. I'm very sorry." And a weight lifted from my shoulders.

You are not Atlas. You do not have to carry the weight of the world they created on your shoulders.

MomBroken3 posted 12/17/2018 10:08 AM

I don’t have his phone number. I could contact him on Facebook. We do have some mutual friends. I could ask one of them for his number. Is there a certain protocol to this?

My belly is in knots. I hate this.

Ponus18 posted 12/17/2018 10:35 AM

The method of communication probably varies depending on what's available to you. But one thing to be careful of is to make sure you're able to confirm that your message is reaching the intended recipient. More than once around here the AP has been known to intercept the message, impersonate the OBS and dupe the BS into thinking the message was delivered.

So if you go through an electronic method such as email/Facebook, etc. you should ask for the OBS to call you to confirm or ask for the OBS's number so you can call and hear live that the message has been properly received.

twisted posted 12/17/2018 10:39 AM

I would not trust facebook, get his number and call him.

The A continued

You WH didn't heed his warning. Maybe he gets his face kicked in. It has happened. I must admit that when I told the OBS, she seemed very calm, not that surprised ( she had had suspicions), and then met her Wh in the driveway with a 9mm. Her father, who she had called, took it away from her, so I doubt she really was going to shoot him, but I didn't see that coming. I'm sure neither did he. I had also called and threatened him, so he was looking over his shoulder for quite a while after that.
There is a risk, but most people aren't going to do anything that results jail time.
As for his retaliating against you, I've never heard of such a case.
Don't tell anyone first, they will claim you are a crazy jealous wife. Give him the facts as you know them, and what you suspect and why. He may can give you more information than you know, and can compare their stories to get to the truth.
It will be a phone call you won't forget. Stay calm, and give facts. If it was him, you would hope he would have told you out of decency. you both have a right to know.

I like Chaos' example. You will quickly know what direction the conversation is going.
Good luck.

[This message edited by twisted at 10:42 AM, December 17th (Monday)]

inthedark99 posted 12/17/2018 10:45 AM

MB3,
Sorry you are here in the club no one wants to be in. I would suggest not asking anyone for his number and just gently send him a message thru facebook. You’ve gotten some great advice so far on what to say. Post back, we’re all here to help each other.

Chili posted 12/17/2018 10:46 AM

Hey MomBroken:

I struggled with telling the OBS for many reasons as well. Most of them were invalid and fear-based, but like you I had a physical reaction every time I thought about it. I hated the idea. Folks around here encouraged me to do it. It was a very hard thing to do, but I am so glad I did.

I didn't have any info for OBS. I didn't even have his name. I had to sleuth to find out. And then I found his name and email online and sent a message asking him to call me. (I didn't think it was fair to do it anonymously and I thought it was kinder to do it with a real voice behind the words. Especially if he had any questions). I kept practicing what I would say when I did hear from him.

He called me back out of the blue and I stumbled a bit, but I said almost word for word what Chaos said.

I was also prepared to provide him with proof or any additional information he might need. Turns out he knew, had filed for divorce, and had a lot more information than I had so he turned out to be a good source actually - especially as I was moving into the legal process. I had some extra ammo that was invaluable.

I still think it was one of the bravest and most honest things I've ever done. No one ever told me about the affair. I never had the chance to get tested for STDs or protect myself. It sure would have been nice if someone gave me the knowledge to understand what was really happening in my world.

You will be so proud of yourself. Even if you are not telling him anything new.

We will all help give you a pep talk as you figure it out. You've got this. And a weight will lift indeed.

MamaDragon posted 12/18/2018 16:40 PM

The first thing I did after I vindictively went and destroyed a bunch of items I paid for that he was using, was call the OBS. I didn't say much bc I had to leave a voice message but I basically said "I noticed that your wife and my husband work at the same place....we really need to chat soon. " Left my number etc...he called back BUT the kicker is he didn't need the details because 1) it happened before and 2) he already suspected, I just drove the nail in the coffin of their marriage.

Needless to say, both my WS and the AP contacted me and demanded to know WHY I contacted him and that he was "very" abusive etc, etc.....I told them why should I be the only one suffering, and in all honesty he was nice as could be towards me and if she knew he was so abusive why the hell did she start something with someone else?????

Left it at that. You want to play in someone else's three ring circus, be sure you can handle all their monkeys.

They divorced, we worked things out - she remarried a guy who looks so much like my husband it is scary (I keep track of her still after 9 years)

MomBroken3 posted 12/18/2018 19:07 PM

Thanks MamaDragon for sharing your experience.
I’ve tried to find his phone number and email addy to no avail today. I’m physically ill over the fact that I need to tell him but can’t see a way around not telling him.
My WH hasn’t done NC yet so I’m guessing the AP will contact one or both of us once I tell her BH. See, his AP is my “friend” on Facebook since we were acquaintances during the A. It makes me sick to even type that. She really lives by “keep your enemies closer” I guess and when i found out, instead of blocking her, I waited to see what she would do. I check her page often to fuel my hatred toward her and gain info on her but ugh.
I don’t know how I’ll do this. I worry about contacting him via social media but I may have no other way. Also, if I just say, call me, I may not be able to talk at the time he calls. I have small kids who are always with me.
Have a mentioned how much I HATE this?!
Anyway....thanks for listening....I feel like a crazy person.

Mene posted 12/18/2018 19:38 PM

You need to do it. I did and it felt the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. The AP should never get away with it. Their spouse needs to know as much as you do. You can’t control the way the other BS reacts. If he confronts your husband, that’s your husband’s issue to deal with. He created this mess, he should face consequences.

survrus posted 12/18/2018 19:40 PM

MB,

Keep searching you will find the BH, you are in this for the long haul, bulldozer mode keep digging. I have luck with Veromi just type in the womans name and search, usually the husbands name will be shown as a possible relative.

Then do some google searchs on the husbands name add in other search terms if your know something about him like his occupation or etc, use quote to make the search more specific. "Tom Hanks" plumber Macon county

Buster123 posted 12/19/2018 03:44 AM

@Mombroken3

All you have to do is contact OBS through social media and tell him: "Your wife is having an A with my husband, please call me at (phone number), when he calls back, just tell him to hold and tell the kids you're going to the bathroom, you don't have to spend a long time on the phone, if you have proof tell him you will email it to him or send it by text, it shouldn't take more than a few minutes. Just get it done ASAP.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 3:45 AM, December 19th (Wednesday)]

Wool94 posted 12/19/2018 04:09 AM

If you and he have fb messenger, you can use the call feature on that.

Babette2008 posted 12/19/2018 07:11 AM

My husband only confessed to having an affair when the OBS contacted him and threatened to tell me. It was the best thing that could have happened. I have since found out that my WS had an earlier affair that was discovered by his APs spouse, who I knew, but he didn't tell me - I think to not hurt me. If he had told me about the affair it would have been much better for both me and my WH. We could have dealt with issues in our marriage 10 years earlier.

That said, your safety is important. Don't do something that you are not ready for. Maybe talk to a counselor first.