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Not sure what to do...

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Falc posted 12/26/2018 00:27 AM

FinanceGuy has great advice. My situation is like yours. It's funny, are all cheaters just plain morons? My WW also thought that she could just sign the initial petition she was served and she would be divorced. Little did she know she had about 4 months of paperwork ahead of her. It's like these people are all just fucking idiots. I don't get it.

What I do understand is you being stuck in limbo. I waited for a little too. You want to fight for your marriage because you believe the old person your WS used to be is still in there somewhere. I wrote a post, I suggest you read it. I came from where you are, I came from hoping and waiting. In the end, I still had to divorce because there was nothing else left to do. I hope you find your strength, because it's there inside you. We spend so much time depending on someone else for our happiness, we forget we are the only one's truly responsible for ourselves.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=634298

CatsEye posted 12/26/2018 01:15 AM

Dear betrayedspouse13,

I would skip confronting him with the proof. Take it to your lawyer instead. Start preparing for divorce.

What good will it do to confront your cheating husband? Do you think he'll magically become a caring, considerate, honest, loyal spouse? No, he'll just get better at hiding and lying.

If you don't let him know you're already on to him, you might be able to gather more evidence.

betrayedspouse13 posted 12/26/2018 18:41 PM

Thank you so much for all the advice and support everyone! Special shoutout to FinanceGuy123, Buster123, and ShutterHappy for following up and checking in on me! It's good to know that I'm not the only one going through this and someone out there actually knows how I'm feeling.

I haven't given him much thought today and I find myself not caring about how he's doing or feeling. This is such a great feeling!

I spoke to my family last night and we tried to retrace the past to figure out when he started to change. We think the turning point might have been when he moved up in his career. He went from being a well performing manager who nobody knew, to a highly praised manager who everyone wanted to work with in less than a year. He definitely had potential; he was a big fish in a small pond at that point. We think that might have been when his ego grew and he felt like he was better than the rest. Now that I think back, I can see that happening but I just thought he was more confident in himself and his abilities. Indirectly, it was also in a sense an accomplishment for me. I was there to support him and help him whenever he needed anything, so seeing him move up made me very happy and proud. He probably thinks he's too good for me now, so he's off to find the next best thing. It's fine and I can live with that. We had fun times and miserable times, but life happens and our paths will split from hereon. I will live my life to its fullest and I hope he can as well.

I did include in our conversation the other night that I still wanted the best for him. Speaking to him as a friend and not his wife, I told him that whatever he's doing with his life now, he did it back then when he was in his 20s. Smoking, drinking, staying out late, taking caffeine like crazy, being unable to control his anger, not eating a healthy diet, and showing up to work late constantly - he's walked this path before and he ended up getting fired and having to move back home to live with his parents. When you're 22 and still have a whole life ahead of you without many accomplishments so far, it's easy to pick yourself up and rebuild your life. When you're 32 and have obligations and actually achieved something in your life, you have more to lose. I hope his really really really good friend will be there for him when/if his world comes crumbling down. I'll stand in the sidelines and watch and I will probably still be a friend who will help, but I don't think there is going to be a reconciliation in the future. I know a part of me will always remember the look in his eyes when he lied to my face. And even if I can forgive, I can't forget. Who knows, maybe we can be good friends again, but I know my family and friends will be there to remind me of the pain he put me through if my heart ever softens towards him.

The next few months will be stressful having to deal with paperwork and attorneys but I know it will be much easier to handle than what I was going through the past few months. If anyone has any advice to share, I would greatly appreciate it! I've already changed passwords to my accounts, I'm in the process of changing anything that requires a beneficiary to my family, and I've started looking for attorneys. Paperwork will most likely be served in the new year since I will be traveling in a day. I will come back in the new year as a new me!

Thank you again for reading and following up, everyone! Have a great rest of the year if I don't end up posting before year end! I will let everyone know if anything changes.

FinanceGuy123 posted 12/26/2018 21:31 PM

I have to say Betrayed you seem to be doing and are handling this very well! I can relate to you noticing your WH changing when he moved up in his career. The same happened to my WW, when she landed her ďdream jobĒ she changed. The problem is that I never noticed until all of this happened to me. Itís funny how you can take sometime for yourself and reflect and see the red flags and things that occurred that made the person you once knew change into a complete stranger.

By you stating that you still want the best for him with no emotions is a sign you are forgiving him not for him, but yourself. I realized this when I gave my WW an Xmas card with some positive sayings in it to help her in her foggy future. That was when I realized I had forgiven her not for her, but for me. This helped me with the moving on process. I did the same thing by speaking with my WWís close friend and asked for her to be there when her world comes crashing down because I wouldnít be there to pickup the pieces. Itís weird but you seem like my twin in a weird way (caring despite being put through so much crap). Itís good to know there are other kind hearted people in this world! Iím with you on the new year, new me! Keep focusing on yourself because your doing a great job!

The1stWife posted 12/28/2018 03:38 AM

It appears as though you no longer have to babysit your H.

His behavior is selfish and very immature. Showing up late for work on a regular basis? Sounds like he never grew up.

You are a smart person - you understand him better than he does. Too bad for him.

kaygem posted 12/28/2018 11:48 AM

You've gotten a lot of good advice so I'm only going to highlight this..

A part of me wants to tell his family my version of the truth, but I don't want to be that petty
.

Telling the truth about his selfish bastard lying life to his family is in no way "petty".

He spins everything to his advantage and his gaslights and emotionally abuses you...tell the truth and EXPOSE him to his family. It would not be vengeful towards him, it will actually help him in the long run. He sounds like, at the very least, like he is probably a sociopath. Let people know who he really is so he can't hide behind the mask anymore and hurt others.

betrayedspouse13 posted 1/2/2019 23:00 PM

Just an update for those who are still following..

I just got back from my visit with family and it felt great to be around people who love and care about me. I only found myself thinking about the soon to be ex husband once during the 5 day trip and that was only triggered when one of my not so close relatives asked when I was having children. The thoughts I had were not about reconciliation, but about whether or not he will be able to change to better himself. As the days continue, I realized I'm no longer thinking about reconciliation, but more about how to move on and what my next steps are.

I opened up to one of my friends and it turns out he went through a similar experience so he understands how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. He had a dog and they ended up going to court to resolve that 'custody' issue so he's acting as a guiding light to me right now. He also mentioned having a plan which I'm working on right now. I kept everything bottled up and didn't tell anyone these past few months because I just felt so ashamed of myself. I let myself believe that I was wrong and I was flawed when in actuality I was not. I'm not even thinking about future relationships (when and if they happen), but I already know it will be hard to trust again. Maybe it's human nature or maybe it's a character flaw of mine, but when I trust someone, I fully trust them with no reservations. I've gotten hurt in the past but those were not long term relationships so I got over them in less than a month. This betrayal by my husband and best friend hurts so much more because I really thought he was the one. I noticed that I'm saying bitter things lately (jokingly, but probably manifested by my subconscious) and I hope this is just a phase that I'm going through..

It's a new year and so far I have not felt hopeless. Even though I'm thousands of miles away from my family, I know they're only a phone call away (and a few time zones) but it feels great to know there are people who love you even when you don't feel like loving yourself. If there's one thing I can share with others, it's that your family will support you so long as you let them in and let them know what you're going through and what you're feeling.

Thank you everyone who has provided with me support and advice thus far! I'll provide updates along the way and I will certainly reach out to the wonderful community we have here if/when I need anything. It will be a long journey and I look forward to sharing the milestones with others. 2018 ended at the bottom for me so 2019 can only go up from hereon. Here's to a happy new year to all!

beenthereinco posted 1/3/2019 12:18 PM

Good luck to you. I am sure that 2019 will finish better for you than 2018 did now that you have a plan and are moving forward out of infidelity.

MamaDragon posted 1/3/2019 14:17 PM

Have you given any thoughts to exposing the affair to the OW's BF and their work?

I admit, I'm a bit vengeful and would totally rock their world (like they have done yours). Plus, if I was the BF, I'd like to know I've been living a lie. Just a thought!

The1stWife posted 1/3/2019 20:26 PM

Iím sorry you were not able to reconcile but based on experience and others who have posted here, you are better off (in the long run) not being misled and thinking you are reconciling whole your H is still cheating.

Ask me how I know that feeling.

I hope 2019 finds you on a new path and you are happier and enjoying life.

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