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Emotional affair for 19 years??

Deceivedme posted 12/24/2018 17:16 PM

My husband and I have been together for 19 years, married for 17. I just found out that he has never stopped interacting with his ex girlfriend. They had been together for over 10 years. She has now been married to her own husband for 10 years.
He told me that she is his best friend. I asked what the heck I am and he said well, you're my best friend too. I said you can only have one "best" friend! I am in shock and I feel like our entire relationship and marriage has been based on lies and deceit. I feel like it has all been wiped out.
He had broken up with her in 1999 to pursue me but it looks like he has always tried to keep his options open with her. She says that he came to see her numerous times after he was with me and we were married and pregnant years ago.
I only found out now because he had made some very suggestive comments to another "old friend" on facebook about how beautiful and hot she is after all these years and much more. One of my daughters saw it and alerted me.
Then I started poking around in his very secretive life.
Everything was ultra protected with passwords and security. He has contacted random women through dating sights before but this is even more troublesome to me because he has a real history with these women. She has been his best friend for over 30 years while I have only been his other best friend for 19 years.
I do not comprehend how I can ever get past this and ever trust him again. He says they are cutting off contact but how am I supposed to believe that after 30 years of confiding in her and whatever else, that they would just end it?? My concern is that he will just be more careful.
I really do not know what to do, I am very hurt, lost and angry.
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated!

Svon posted 12/24/2018 17:53 PM

Deceivedme, I am sorry you are here especially during the holidays. Try to breathe and get through it. I would gently caution you that most often ďemotionalĒ affairs, especially of that length, are also physical at some point. It is very unusual for two adults who are fond of one another in a secret illicit way to not have physical intimacy as well. Why keep just an innocent friendship a secret? Couple that with the evidence of online communication with other women I would be extremely cautious. Hang in there. Your path will reveal itself as you grow stronger.

fareast posted 12/24/2018 17:58 PM


So sorry this has happened to you. Your WH is a huge liar and deceiver. He has carried on with the OW for your entire relationship while making a huge effort to deceive you and hide what he is doing. This is not the thing you want to hear at this holiday season, but please protect yourself. Read in the healing library. Get tested for STDís and see an attorney to learn your rights. I donít care what he says, any WS capable of this level of deceit canít be trusted to tell the truth. You have no idea if he has had a PA, and you canít believe a denial. Take care of yourself, eat healthy, exercise and implement the 180. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 6:21 PM, December 24th (Monday)]

Cooley2here posted 12/24/2018 18:19 PM

I cannot imagine any excuse he could come up with that would explain this horrible behavior. This man is a bona fide serial cheater. He probably has no guilt at all about any of it. You need to get very real with who you are married to. I hate that weíre having this conversation with you on Christmas Eve. Please, realize that you are so much better than this. These two people have taken such advantage of you. He has been trolling the Internet looking for other women on top of this long-term so-called emotional affair. It seems to me that when you pry the lid off his life youíre going to find a lot of maggots.

Buster123 posted 12/24/2018 18:28 PM

I'm sorry you're here, your WH is a SERIAL CHEATER, EXPOSE his A with ALL family and close friends, and of course tell OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse), As thrive in secrecy, blow up their world, get tested for STDs and consult an attorney to know your legal options.

Hopeful30 posted 12/24/2018 22:00 PM

It would be good to get your ducks in a row and reach out to the Other betrayed spouse and discuss what you found out and if he was aware of the extent of their hiding the relationship from you. He may be in the dark also and needs a little light shone on his life.
Read in the healing library. Given what you have found out, there is most likely more to find. Be prepared and contact an attorney, if you feel the need to find out what your rights are too.

annb posted 12/25/2018 06:12 AM

Hi, welcome to SI. I am so so sorry you find yourself here.

Gently, your husband is probably a serial cheater.

If he was in contact and able to visit this other woman, more than likely they had sex. They are not 15 year old high school kids. Have you alerted her husband to what has happened? He deserves to know what his wife is up to. DO NOT tell your husband when you do this, as the two of them will come up with some lame excuses or make you out to be batsh*t crazy.

Unfortunately, it sounds as though your husband has been leading a double life your entire marriage. Connections with old girlfriends, dating sights, inappropriate contact with other women, he has serious issues that you cannot fix.

Don't trust his word. He's a proven liar and manipulator of your life. He's far from the man you thought he was. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing, and he has been hiding his secret life for your entire marriage.

I highly suggest you meet with several attorneys, get your ducks in a row, and make an appt. with your doctor for STD testing.

Lean on trusted family members and friends, and please, please find a good counselor for yourself to help you navigate through your emotions.

I personally believe you have just found out the tip of the iceberg.

Take care of yourself as best as you can. Get some exercise, and ask your MD for some temporary medications to help you sleep or cope.

A huge hug to you.

The1stWife posted 12/25/2018 06:38 AM

The 🚩🚩🚩 in your post are:

Continued contact with his ex-girlfriend

Dating sites and apps

Inappropriate comments to other women

Everything is password protected and on lockdown

Clearly he is behaving inappropriately. I donít know if he physically cheated but he sure as hell has been cheating on you for years and disrespecting you all these years.

And statistics show if they met in person then there was sexual activity. Here on SI 9 times out of 10 there is a sexual relationship if they meet in person.

I suggest that you do not allow him to sweep this under the rug. . That is what most cheaters want. He may say ďok Iíll end itĒ. That is not the solution to his issue.

He needs to figure out why he chose to.have this relationship and why he is selfish. The odds are against him in terms of his ability to be Monogamous- after 18 years of inappropriate behavior that will be a big change and one that may be very difficult for him to stick to without professional counseling

Keep posting here and Iím sorry you found out that your H is not the guy you thought he was.

I also suggest a counselor for you. Not marriage counseling. But someone to support you through this emotional roller coaster you are on.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:40 AM, December 25th (Tuesday)]

WantaFuture posted 12/27/2018 00:09 AM

Deceived, I'm sorry you're here. I feel your pain as my WS had a LT EA with her HS boyfriend. I discovered it about 10 years ago and she assured me it would stop but it never did until about a year ago (a few months before DDay). I'm not even sure if I should call the discovery 10 years ago DDay 1 and I'm on DDay 3.

DDay 2 ended the TT and now I've been dealing with the damage. I obsessed over finding information and the why's. My WS said it was selfish, egotistical and she acted entitled. We did IC and she has been incredibly remorseful. It is hard to look back over the years and not think about this dark cloud that floated among our lives. Most people would have viewed our marriage as incredible. She also said I'm a great husband but she was just too selfish and wanted what she wanted. She never thought about me and compartmentalized everything. Only on DDay did she realize the magnitude of her actions as I sat prepared to leave.

I wish I could say the pain will go away and you'll have days when you don't think about it but I have not reached that point. SI has been very helpful especially in trying to find similarly situated histories and a litany of advice. I'm 99.999% certain that the EA was not a PA, though of course they were first loves so the physical part came before we dated. I'll never know for sure about the PA part but given the length of the betrayal I've come to the conclusion it would have little impact.

I stay based solely upon how I'm treated. It may seem selfish but my wife knows and accepts the fact that I could leave any day and she has made it clear in words and actions that she does not want me to leave. I still am grappling with events, have yet to accept her actions and the concept of forgiveness is not even a fleeting thought. However the actions of my WS and the success stories of SI members gives me hope that one day some type of "normalcy" will return to my life. Now I live one day at a time.

Decorum posted 12/27/2018 06:40 AM

Oh my gosh, ths just makes everything uncertain. I am so sorry.

The1stWife posted 12/29/2018 06:13 AM

How are you doing deceivedme?

Deceivedme posted 1/1/2019 12:11 PM

The1stwife, thanks for asking. I am doing ok.
Day by day I am so confused. I want to be close to my WS and then hours later I hate him.
I am so angry and I constantly think about the OW.
I wonder why he though of her so often.
Even though they were not in contact every day and he says he will have no interaction with her again I have a hard time believing that to be true. What really sucks is that for the first 19 years we have been together, apparently she was on his mind quite often and now, even if he does stop thinking about her, now I am constantly thinking about her.
I wish I could make him feel the pain that I am going through.

Furious1 posted 1/1/2019 15:02 PM

I am so sorry. I truly understand how horrible it is to be in a long term marriage to someone who kept me pigeonholed away from his life so totally and completely like that. That level of secrecy and sneakiness is so total and profound that it takes a lot of dedication and hard work to pull off for so many years. You deserve so much better than to share your life with someone who clearly isn't sharing his life with you the same way.


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