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2 years married & headed for divorce

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brokenbride8 posted 12/28/2018 11:03 AM

Hey everyone,

I’m going through the worst time in my life and I’m deserpate for support. My husband and I dated for 10 wonderful years (met around the age of 18). Our relationship was rare in that every year seemed to get better and we never broke up! Our families and friend have grown together and all love each other. It’s hard to properly describe, but many of our friends would call us “couple goals”.

We got engaged in 2014 and married in 2016 with a dream wedding that I still reminisce about and people still talk about til this day. We have a home together (living together 5 years), both have great paying jobs and have traveled with each other for years (joint family vacations, Europe, Dubai, etc.). We hit our 2 yr wedding anniversary in Aug and in September things started to change. With his promotion, he began to attend more work events, social activities and happy hours - saying he was trying to get his name out there more. I started to feel uncomfortable with the frequency and he blamed it on me being “insecure”. Not wanting to be “that wife”, I tried to chill. Fast forward to October, I found out my husband has been having an affair with a coworker (a woman 12 years older than him with two kids!). In checking the phone records he skillfully talked to her on the way to work and home while he would come in the house and kiss me and love his normal husband life.

Nothing is perfect, but our relationship was close to it because of the friendship we had formed and the experiences we cultivated over the years. All of sudden, he had filed for divorce, saying “it’s for the best” and will “help us grow” but I know for a fact it’s for this other woman. I found a gift in our home with a love note written in a card expressing how she is his best down to earth and beautiful she is, and how it’s been a “very, very bumpy road” to get where they are etc etc. I am devasted and heartbroken. After finding out I lost weight and found myself lying to get out of work just to stay curled up in the fetal position all day.

To add insult to injury, after finding out about the affair, he basically gets defensive and tells me he had fallen out of love with me and had harbored “resentments”. Examples: he wanted to have kids before we got married and now he isn’t excited to have them with me anymore, he may have to relocate for work one day and my “lack of enthusiam” deflated him so much and he feels like he now needs to “experience life without the restraints or obligations of one person’s feelings”, we travel too much and he would rather focus on one thing at a time like getting a new house, our sex life is frequent but feels like it’s always the same and he has freaky desires that he feels uncomfortable sharing with me bc he didn’t want me to think he got them from somewhere else, etc etc. All of which could be resolved if he communicated with me. Again, all this came over via an email AFTER finding out about the coworker...

Instead, he feels “it’s for the best” that we divorce after all these years and basically doesn’t care about the relationships he has to destroy outside of our marriage to be with her. My family and friends, his family and friends all thought he was on drugs bc of how radical and sudden this is. I found out the woman has been very manipulative so much so as it really seems like he is under a spell.

We were about to start trying this month to start a family and this happens. Worst part is this is all his doing and he has treated me like I did something wrong and destroyed our marriage. I reached out to the other woman and basically she doesn’t care and he is trying to convince her he is here to stay for her....I don’t know how I am going to get through this.

Would love advice, guidance, words or encouragement. Sorry for the long post...

layla1234 posted 12/28/2018 11:35 AM

I'm so very sorry. This is a critical time for most WH and they f*ck it up royally every time. Focus on making yourself a stronger and happier person. Along the way, he may pull his head out of his ass and realize what he's done, but nothing you can do will make this happen. It sucks, but he needs to realize it on his own. I w ok old read the articles on detaching especially since he's already filed. Big hugs!!

FEEL posted 12/28/2018 11:57 AM

I am so sorry for your situation. Your post reminded me of the day I stayed home from work and just curled up.

Your WH clearly made the decision to proceed with OW rather than talking to you about any issues he felt existed between you. And as you've stated has taken this to the point of filing for D.

I am sure this is a shock and you have a lot of emotions running all over the place. I know it may be hard to see right now, but perhaps him filing for at least makes his intentions known vs. claiming to want to R but then not putting in the work (you can read a lot of stories here about that).

With knowing he has filed for D then you can begin to focus on what that looks like for you. You can consult a lawyer and understand what you can do and what the process is. He may change his mind at some point (although it sounds like he is not) but at least you will be informed on what's going on.

I would also read up on the healing library. Check out the 180 and implement the detaching part. I know you're going through a lot, but detaching will help you get to a safer place for you.

BTW, I am stating the obvious to many here, but in case it's not obvious to you, none of this stuff he's said is your fault for the A. As with any marriage there are issues that lead up to the A. When the WS takes the matters into their own hand and has an A that's all on them. They had a choice to communicate the issues and work them out.

sisoon posted 12/28/2018 12:12 PM

Your H obviously isn't ready for M. The D process may get him to reconsider and do the work that he needs to do, but there's no reason to count on it.

I know you're hurting. I know it's awful to see your dreams get dashed. Given his actions, however, you may be well rid of him.

But prepare yourself for a tearful return. If he stays single and works on himself for a couple of years before doing that, he may be worth considering again.

But if it happens in a few months? In that case I'd recommend real caution - no R without him doing a lot of work to change from cheater to good partner.

If he comes back while still in a relationship - just say 'No.' If s/he cheats with you, s/he'll cheat on you.

A WS who marries his ap just creates another unpaid job opening....

goalong posted 12/28/2018 12:12 PM

did you see any selfishness/narcissist signs in your WH? Looks like he is someone who think of himself only. Do you have the information on the OW?. She may be married or have a BF. Inform the other party id that is the case. Your WH is trying act clean after doing these dirty deeds. You cannot change others. Take courage and do your other things like the job well. WH will notice that. surround yourself with people who care. It help a lot. if it come to D include and document the time you were together before marrying

ibonnie posted 12/28/2018 12:12 PM

Oh, brokenbride, I'm so sorry you're here. We've all been where you are, and many of us have heard the exact same things. Don't listen to him trying to blame you for his affair. He chose to have an affair. Period. It's his fault 100%. Every marriage has issues, but you were in the same marriage and didn't cheat, right? That's called blameshifting, and it's part of what cheaters do to try and alleviate the guilt they have.

Cheater thoughts are not based in logic, so ignore the blameshifting. If you traveled less, then he'd blame you for not traveling enough.

A normal, healthy person would talk to their spouse about these things. A cheater build molehills into mountains, and used that to try to justify their shitty behavior.

This is very hard to accept, but the sooner you realize this, the better: you cannot control your WS (wayward spouse). You cannot make him want to fix your marriage. And, most importantly, you cannot fix your marriage by yourself. Even if you desperately want to more than anything else is the entire world. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Three people make a marriage explode, and your WS has chosen to bring an AP (affair partner) into your marriage.

Many BS (betrayed spouses) think if they just try a little harder/have more sex/cook better dinners, they can somehow win their spouse back. This is called the "pick me dance," and it literally never works. Read around on the stories that have pages of posts and you'll see. The people that try to do this and "nice" their WS back just get abused (emotionally) by continued lying/denying/cheating. The people who take a hard line take decisive steps to get out of infidelity often have the best results -- whether than means divorce or reconciliation will be up to you.

Here's my advice:
-expose the affair. Tell his family, tell your friends. Maybe tell your family, too. I told my WS's family first, because I knew they would have an easier time forgiving him if you decide to reconcile. Affairs thrive in secrecy. By bringing the affair to light, they're forced to stop living some illicit love affair that he'll just divorce you and they'll live happily ever after. His family will now know that she's the OW (other woman). Your friends will look at them both differently, because they're liars that have no problem hurting innocent people.

Is OW single? If not, inform the OBS (other betrayed spouse or partner). They will apply pressure on their side and make it much more difficult for the affair to carry on like it's no big deal.

-Meet with a lawyer or three. Knowledge = power, and the more you know, the less anxiety you'll have about "what ifs" that might not ever happen.

-Get yourself into counseling ASAP. Maybe start antidepressants if you find yourself curled up into the fetal position more often than not. You'll have some really sad, awful days, but those two things will help you accept that no matter what happens, you will be okay.

-Find a protein powder you like. Sip on it through the day, like you would with water. Many BSes have trouble eating and lose a lot of weight. Keep your strength and health up.

-Contemplate filing to legally separate or divorce. This takes a long time and can be stopped anywhere during the process if you decide you don't want to. For many WS's, this is like getting splashed with cold water, and they suddenly wake up and realize they want to save their marriage. This isn't always the case. Sometimes the WS were planning on leaving anyways. Either way, you can't make your WS want to remain as your huband, and often filing first has some benefits, one of which is the message you'll be sending him -- I'm not going to put up with infidelity in my marriage, because I deserve better. Period.

I'm sorry you're here bb8, but you will be okay.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 12:18 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

brokenbride8 posted 12/28/2018 13:05 PM

Update: his treachery runs deep…he met this woman about a year ago and all those work events? She was there…he also had been sending her flowers to work every day like they are from a secret admirer. He snapped on his mother when she tried to get the truth of the matter out of him saying “I don’t have to tell you anything!” – he writes me a “letter” aka an email last night out of the blue rehashing he has fallen out of love with me, rehashing the reasons why, telling me to stop communicating with his family (got them Christmas gifts like I do every year) and basically downplaying his affair partner saying I’ve “convinced” myself that this other woman plays a big role. Plot twist: I know someone who has validated that it is indeed this other woman who is the primary driver of the divorce...he has been grasping at straws to conjure up things to resent me for to validate his actions. It just keeps getting worse….

This has been extremely painful and difficult for me and my family (they loved him too). I just don’t understand how someone can wash 12 years down the drain in 2 months. So much drama! He has even cut off some of his family to avoid being told he is making a mistake. I have a lawyer now so I won’t get served at work and have been staying with my parents for a bit to mentally get back on track. I went back to our home (stuff still there) and he has been basically turning it into a bachelor pad which I can only assume is in preparation for her…on top of that, he came home while I was there and asked my father (who escorted me to help carry a box), “can I help you?” And “how long do you intend on being here?” The nerve!!!! He is incredibly arrogant and the tunnel vision he has is almost insane. Everyone I’ve told so far what has happened has literally broke out in tears by the shock and disbelief as everyone thought he was “one of the good ones”

brokenbride8 posted 12/28/2018 13:16 PM

Sorry for the double reply...

- The OW knows about me....I emailed her. She forwarded to my husband saying she can’t do this anymore...he basically convinced her to stay
- The OW is single with 2 kids, but sounds like she is on and off with the father of her children. She has even told my husband she still wants to date...he is trying to “win” her overto be with him
- 2 days after got back from Dubai for vacation, he said we needed space and he needs time to think and clear his head. I was heavily against him leaving, but tried to be a good wife and let him do what he needed to do. He even send me an article from some men’s magazine about how “taking space” can aid in your marriage. Turns out he ended up being gone for 2 weeks at a hotel and she met him there..
- I have been talking with a therapist to help me get through this too. Baby steps...

twisted posted 12/28/2018 13:25 PM

The only thing worse than the time wasted in a bad relationship, is spending more time. It seems he has made his decision and all the excuses are just that, excuses. It's same it took this long for his character to be exposed.
A woman 12 years older, with two kids is going to get old mighty quick.
he now needs to “experience life without the restraints or obligations of one person’s feelings”
well, he's about to have three people feelings to worry about, the OW and her kids. No doubts the kids will have priority over him.

Just know that none of this is YOUR fault, it's all him. Cut him loose, take what you can, and move on. Time to find somebody that deserves you.
Do it quickly before his changes his mind!

Marie2792 posted 12/28/2018 13:26 PM

I am so sorry you are here with us. Your storybus so heartbreaking. You have been given great advice so far. I just wanted to mention the possibility that he has started to use a drug or drink excessively? His personality seems to have snapped overnight and changed him into a person that many people around him cannot see. My brother who is a very sweet person, becomes terrible if he drinks vodka. Twenty beers will be fine but if he drinks anything with vodka in it, he turns into a monster. Mybhusband also has a friend who left his wife for a woman who got him addicted to heroin. He left the kids and her, doesn’t see them or communicate. Lost his job after awhile and whacked up with Ow who had a couple of kids. DCS came in and removed the kids. They both lost their jobs and then it was revealed that he’d gotten addicted, but she had already been.

Expose to their HR at work. One or both of them will be fired. Seems like the status of living has gone to his head. Allnof hisbexcuses are bullshit. This affair has nothing to do with you.

Cooley2here posted 12/28/2018 13:32 PM

Sometimes people who are very narcissistic or possibly even sociopathic do a wonderful job of pretending until the chips are down. When he got married life got real and he doesn’t do real. He does fantasy. I know this is heartbreaking to you, and for you, but he was going to do this at one point or another. At least you do not have to share a child with him or even worse watch him ignore his child. If you spend enough time looking on the Internet you will find this played out over and over again. It is scary how many narcissistic sociopathic people are getting married. They need to stay single forever. I am so sorry this happened to you but he did a very good job of pretending and that is very scary. I wish you the very best of luck in the future without him. You will find so much more once you let go of this dream because all it is is a dream. It was never real to him.

betrayalbrokeme posted 12/28/2018 13:42 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this and that he is trying to convince you that it is your fault.

One thing I have definitely learned through the last few months is that it is NEVER the BS's fault. It doesn't matter if the marriage was perfect or a nightmare- there's never an excuse for stepping out of it. You mentioned that he never spoke to you about issues until after it all came out. How did he expect things to change if you didn't even know about them? I know this is easier to say than to believe- I still find myself trying to figure out what i could have done differently at times. But it isn't your fault. Not even the tiniest bit.

Again, I'm so sorry. I too am close to my H's family and I know it would devastate me if I lost them too so I can't imagine how hard that must be for you.

The best piece of advice I've gotten from my IC and MC is to focus on me right now and my own healing. I think that might be good advice for any BS. Take care of you. Make yourself strong and find things- big or small- that make you happy. Even if it's a fancy cup of coffee in the morning or something that seems silly. Maybe find something that gets you active (I'm looking into kickboxing lessons). Every little positive bit helps.

Hold strong <3

fareast posted 12/28/2018 14:10 PM

I am so sorry brokenbride8:

My only advice to you right now is to take care of yourself. Focus on you. Eat healthy, exercise. Rely on family and friends for support. No contact with the narcissist is your best route. All messages thru your attorneys. If you have to be in contact only short responses. Don’t get sucked in. “Sorry you feel that way.” Also, “no” is a complete sentence.

None of this is your fault. Don’t you dare take the blame for his moral shortcomings. Be good to yourself and leave him in the dust. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 2:16 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

Freeme posted 12/28/2018 14:13 PM

Do not take any of the blame for this. He stepped out of the marriage and is trying to shift the blame to you. The things he listed were bogus - Doesn't want commitment but...she's 12 years older and has two kids?!?
As far as you communicating with his family... go for it. Make sure they know the truth. He is trying to blame-shift that so that she isn't labeled the homewreaker when/if they meet. Expose their affair and know that the affair is was killed the marriage not anything you did.

I too am having a hard time grasping his 180 change in personality. Any chance she's pregnant? She seemed upset when you contacted her. It might be that she doesn't want the affair to get out either. I'd make sure to contact the baby daddy and let him know what is going on. If she is telling your WH that she wants to date others... it might mean that the kids father has know idea she is stepping out on him. You might also learn more about her...

Finally do not let him take advantage of you. If you want to live at the house with your Dad for a few days... do it. It if makes him uncomfortable then good.
Do not try to "win him back", do not try to talk reason to him, do not let him blame the affair on you. Read the healing library and begin a hard 180.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/28/2018 14:33 PM

You are not to blame for this. WH can spin it any way he likes, but he clearly did not communicate with you the way a spouse should prior to starting his little fling.

Focus on you and spend time with your family. Consult a lawyer and secure your finances. If you have a joint account, stop any direct deposits immediately. Put it where he cannot get to it.

Document everything. Texts,emails,pictures, receipts for hotels and "gifts". Have a mountain of evidence ready.

Sit down, breathe and know that this is NOT your fault.

goalong posted 12/28/2018 14:45 PM

why are you leaving home. Ask him to leave. Normally the cheater leaves. Looks like he wants to be a playboy and you are making it easy for him/facilitating his newfound life style. kick him out even if you are not living there everyday. Also OW separated status may be a lie. Let her know you are going to tell her H or better tell him, he has a right to know. There is no point in sharing your life with someone who wants to "experience the world" Also check your health. The kinkiness he mentioned to you - he may have more than one partners or escorts

can I help you

What a pos. Ask him to leave. Next time you are in your house and he acted like a jerk call police. You are wasting your time and compromising your welfare by trying to reconcile with this man
Please schedule IC and get mentally better. Or even get some meds temporarily. And do not act defeated, WH may even enjoy it. Give him some thing to worry about like getting your house back, next time he act up and you call police he will be out of the house before he realize what happened. Then he may even come to you with his tale tucked. So far he has not faced any consequences.
Worse come to worse this kind of behavior may not help in his job. Keep records and you can play that card

[This message edited by goalong at 3:39 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

antlered posted 12/28/2018 15:11 PM

I know how painful this is to you. Betrayal is the worst thing ever.

Now you are going to think I'm insensitive and off my rocker for saying this... I'm happy for you. Seriously. Looking back you will see this as the time you dodged an enormous bullet. Or maybe got grazed by it, but you escaped something much much worse. Right now it's like you are in the ICU recovering from major surgery. You are in pain and traumatized.
But the doctors are certain that they got all the cancer from the tumor you didn't even know you had.
This guy? He's shown you his true colors. Thank God you didn't have children with him.

Now, your life as you know it has crashed, but you are young, have a good job, and are not tied for life to someone like this through children.

TLDR: Run! He's shown you who he is before you had kids. You are going to be ok!

beauchateaux posted 12/28/2018 16:02 PM

He's trying to reframe what happened in order to be able to preserve his self image and still feel entitled to carry on with this immature, morally bankrupt behavior. Nope nope nopetty nope.

You can't force clarity and perspective on him - he sounds like he's too far into this illusion he's created for himself - but you also don't have to buy into it OR play into it.

I agree with everyone - complete 180, do not engage with him. He wants your anger, he WANTS you to hurl abuse at him. He wants you to contact the OW, act insane, scream and cry - he wants your help confirming what he's already made himself believe about you and your marriage in order to excuse his actions and choices.

Do not give him the satisfaction. Respond to his texts/messages only when necessary and as briefly as possible. Don't try and reason with him or argue - he won't listen. He's so messed up right now, he CAN'T listen.

This sounds to me like he's having some kind of identity crisis - like the idea of marriage and kids sent him off the rails or something, and he handled it in the worst way possible.

I suspect he's going to wake up sooner than later and realize, with horror, that he ruined his life. Do not wait for that day to come. Disentangle yourself from this mess, and move on. You seem like a smart, thoughtful, dedicated, warm human being - you deserve better than the treatment you've gotten from him.

brokenbride8 posted 12/28/2018 16:13 PM

I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the responses here...Someone recommended this website for me through the WeddingBee and I'm SO glad I decided to give it a try.


Things are unraveling by the day...

The house is in his name and I paid all of the utilities. I JUST found out today that he has been calling the utility companies to remove me from the account and have them put in his name!! UN-REAL.

I wish I could explain in words the magnitude of his 180...there was no sleeping in diff rooms or on the couch...or silent treatment leading up to this. We slept together every night while on vacation at the end of Oct. We usually host Thanksgiving at our home (5 years straight) with both of our families and this year we of course didn't. I found out he told his family that we were "having problems" and I finally decided to tell my family the truth on Thanksgiving day. Once that happened, he felt forced to tell his family more detail. All he said was there was "infidelity involved and he has been unhappy a while and he wants a divorce. No marriage counseling, nothing - just out". His family (grandmother, cousin, uncles) tried to contact him but he basically ended up calling his mother and telling her to stop spreading his business to the family. He left the house on Thanksgiving day with an overnight bag in tow. His mother told me he stopped by their house and rushed out of there. He didn't come home for two days.

At this point, he as disabled my access to all of our household things (Ring door bell, comcast cameras, etc.).

His friend has become my "mole"...or should I say "snake". I believe he has supported this little love affair on some "player player" stuff, but didn't realize my husband would "fall in love" and leave me. I believe that's why he reached out to me (out of guilt). The fact that he has been telling me info form their conversations totally breaks man code, and now I know why....he just made a pass at me!!! Jesus!! I am a walking LIFETIME MOVIE!!!

Because of this intel....I know more than I should so of course he communicates with me like I don't know what I know.

I responded to his email last night and called him out...once I found out what the OW looked like, I noticed her in work event pictures dating back to August - our anniversary month. This is a petty story, but I had been asking my husband to run a 5K with me. He made it seem like bc of his lack of physical activity/slacking at the gym - he couldn't. All of a sudden he comes home with a pair of $150 gym shoes and says he is running a 5K with his job. I fussed a little but he made it seem like I was over the top...come to find out, he ran the 5K with her AND donated to her fundraising goal. All I had to do was google it

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 4:18 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

justabrokendream posted 12/28/2018 16:23 PM

Hello, please see an attorney and I know this may sound trite but thank goodness you did not start a family with this POS.

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