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2 years married & headed for divorce

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sassylee posted 1/3/2019 22:12 PM

I donít know about the love bombing - does one usually see 12 years of love bombing? Usually you see love bombing over shorter periods of time - until they get what they want. 12 years of faking it is a long game...

Cooley2here posted 1/3/2019 22:19 PM

Sassy, go back and read how she describes the things he did and said. All of them were over the top. People like him can be oh so very charming until they arenít. Perhaps love bombing isnít quite the right phrase but it is close. He went from being the perfect man to a monster over night.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/4/2019 00:46 AM

I told all sorts of people my WH husband cheated on me. It was so confusing at the time all his unfaithful behavior was going on. At one point, even my husband was telling people he committed infidelity.

How can your husband follow his heart with this women?? Think about it. Your husband is a married man, it doesn't work that way. They are in distorted fantasyland. What they are experiencing is not reality. Is she married or still evolved with her husband? I thought I read that she was still somehow involved with him. What a mess.

Yes, get out and get yourself doing something. I know it is difficult but you can do it. It all will get easier sooner than you think. It took me around 3 months to begin to feel better but I did force myself to do things eventhough I had heavy burdens and a heavy heart.

brokenbride8 posted 1/4/2019 12:00 PM

Perfect man to monster overnight is truly no exaggeration. My family and friends are still in shock at it all...My stomach still drops when I think about it. He is still slowly erasing our pictures/memories from social media.

I loved my husband with every fiber of my being. I gave myself to him entirely, without reserve because I trusted him with my life. We've been together since we were 19 and have NEVER broken up. The bond we had was so strong (or so I thought).

I still get the urge to expose her at work as well as expose to him that his "best friend" is anything but. I want him to get a taste of what betrayal feels like. I sometimes fear that the "friend" may feel angry or upset that I cut him off and will try to get ahead of it and tell my husband we've talked. Granted, I'm no fool so there was NOTHING even remotely flirtatious exchanged between us. Honestly, as low as it sounds, I kept ignoring his passes at me because I was addicted to the updates/information he was sharing with me about my husband's whereabouts and their discussions about the OW... sad but true. I basically went through a period where I was a glutton for pain. It was almost like I needed it to help breakdown the Prince Charming/love of my life perception I had in my head of my husband. It was a vicious cycle I put myself in. I have not contacted him so baby steps...

I know I keep saying this, but I just don't understand how someone can be SO cold and cut a person they say they loved out like we had a 2 month relationship... It's insane to me. I also can't understand why he is showing so much resentment towards me. No one is perfect, but this is truly his fault. HE pursued me, proposed/married me. Then HE decided to step out on our marriage and open his heart to someone & that he was done. He decided he didn't want to work it out and filed for divorce....

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 12:05 PM, January 4th (Friday)]

Falc posted 1/4/2019 12:38 PM

Perfect man to monster overnight is truly no exaggeration. My family and friends are still in shock at it all...My stomach still drops when I think about it. He is still slowly erasing our pictures/memories from social media.

The same exact thing happened to me too. I think it is just part of the unremorseful cheater handbook. The hardest part to understand is that they probably were checked out for a while, and they were just straight up lying to us. Sleeping in the bed with us, fucking us, cuddling us was just comfortable and it was done with no emotion even though they made it seem like it was emotional. It is so painful to see someone you love just cast you out like a piece of garbage. You sit there hurting, remembering, reliving your relationship in your head and you wonder how the fuck can they not be doing the same. It's just pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Like I said before, I am right there with you. Hurting, living in pain. Dealing with being cast aside like I was a 2 month boyfriend. It's probably conflict avoidance, they just aren't put together enough to talk to us about their problems and would rather run away. It's almost like reverse rugsweeping. They'd rather just get on with life, rugsweep the last x amount of years of marriage and do whatever it takes to forget it even happened and treat you like you don't fucking matter in the process. It's truly despicable, evil, and heartless. These people aren't human, they are void of feelings.

I am very sorry you have to shoulder this pain. I don't have much to offer at this point other than you are not alone. People who have been through it will say it gets better, you're better off, you'll be stronger, etc etc. But it sure doesn't feel like it right now. Ultimately, this is life. We have been dealt a devastating blow to everything we used to shape the reality of our life. We have no choice but to cover ourselves with the ashes of the life we once knew and soldier on until one day the ash washes off and we are ourselves again. Couple this with the fear of being alone, the fear of the unknown and it's almost crippling.

That's why people wait until there's someone else before they jump ship. It's just plain easier and most people just don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. Almost everyone is too cowardly to be alone, too cowardly to face themselves in the mirror. So they fill their heads with thoughts of their new person and with thoughts of justifying how their current person is a piece of shit and they just need to get out at all costs.

Again, I am very sorry you have to go through this. I am right here with you, struggling the same. I can say that you can do this. You can take this awful fucking time in your life and still wake up each day, shower, and walk through your routines like a sauntering sack of skin and bones. You can do this, because I am doing it. Hold your head as high as you can, act with integrity, and in a year we both can look back on how we acted during our darkest times and we can feel positive.

[This message edited by Falc at 12:42 PM, January 4th (Friday)]

Freeme posted 1/4/2019 12:42 PM

You never say how you found out.
The 180 in his personality has stumped me also. Has he ever been able to admit he was wrong? To take the take blame? It sounds like he couldn't handle what it would take to rebuild the marriage. The looks from family, friends, his wife. He had always been perfect... so he cut everyone off and has eliminated anything that would/could remind him of what he had/was. This would explain the extreme detachment but not the asshat behavior on your girls night in.

brokenbride8 posted 1/4/2019 15:36 PM

@Falc - Wow...your response feels like literally everything in my head and on my heart written out. Every.single.word. I've def. thought back and tried to see if there were signs of him being checked out. But he truly went through day to sat like I was still the love of his life. If I was to dig up anything, it would be that I felt he was a little less lovey dovey on our trip in October, but nonetheless we were still intimate every single day on vacation. There was also one time I felt the sex was different on the trip...but now I really feel like it WAS because of his indiscretions....

You are so very right. Crippling is certainly the best way to describe the pain. In my case, I honestly believe that due to my husband's lack of experience (not many partners or relationships before me bc we were so young) and exposure (not really the social butterfly type, temptation got the best of him when he finally came across a woman (older at that) who showed him some interest on top of being attractive (to him of course )

I am sooooo sorry you are struggling and going through the same thing. It's so unfair. I've been trying everything from journaling, therapy, praying, sleeping, keeping busy with work and getting together with friends. But those interactions and moments are so short-lived and I always find myself right back in the black hole. A wave of grief overcomes me and I get that stomach drop feeling you have when you dip on a rollercoaster, but I'm just stationary.

I've lost all of my grandparents. The day we brought my grandfather home to recover from a surgery we were all on pins and needles about (bc of his age - in his 80s) was the very same night my aunt (who helped make him comfortable) died suddenly of a heart attack. All of this happened after my father's diagnosis of cancer. I thought THOSE were my darkest times. As naive as this sounds, it never in a trillion years would have crossed my mind that my husband would even have the propensity to do the things that he has done. This type of pain is on a whole different level...

@Freeme - This is the story of how I found out.....

So 2 days after coming home from an awesome vacation, we got in an argument about him pre-planning time he was going to spend with his friend (ironically the snake). I was slightly annoyed and suspicious a little that he had decided that he was going to hang with him two weekends in a row. I had noticed the frequency in him hanging with the friend was growing and I never had the fondest thoughts of him...that night he comes to me and said we needed "space" - I'm shocked because he basically had already packed a bag and left that night to stay with his snake of a friend then at a hotel...FOR 2 WEEKS! I didn't understand it, but through my tears I tried to search google for tips and suggestions on how to give your man husband even sent me and article that said "How Taking Space can Save Your Marriage" and it listed all of these "benefits". I hated every second of it, but he contacted me every day (minimally - but always told me he loved me and to have a good day).

After week 1, he came home on the weekend to "talk" and basically told me he was going through something and just needed time along to clear his head to think. We talked about our little squabbles we had been having, but it just seemed so much bigger than it was. Net, he said he didn't know when he would be home and needed more time. I had prepared for him a handwritten letter of all of the reasons why I love him to take with him (thinking I was taping into his love language which is Words of Affirmation).

Fast forward to the middle of week 2, I come home and he had been there, in the middle of the work day...the note said "I was here. Thank you for baring with me but I need more time. Love you". I sobbed because honestly I just didn't understand what was happening...When I looked at our cameras, I noticed he had parked on the side of the house which he NEVER does and basically his car was hidden from the view (all except the front end which is how I knew he parked there). I couldn't understand why he would've hidden his car, if he was going to leave me a note letting me know he was there anyway...that was until he came home that weekend. We have dinner and watch TV together. He literally takes my hand as we are sitting on the couch and kissed it and said "we will get through this. Baby steps". My heart melted of course because it was a very weird space we were in and I had no real clue why. That nightI'm laying in bed and he is unpacking his clothes and says he is "happy to be home". I said I'm happy you're home too because I never wanted you to leave. In my mind he could've taken "space" in our spare bedroom, but he claimed he needed total isolation. Anyway, I felt that upset feeling in my stomach and couldn't shake it. By this time I knew it wasn't me being "insecure", but my intuition.

Once my husband saw I was upset he asked me what was wrong. I said there is something bothering me and I'm trying to shake it. He reiterated that he just needed time to clear his head because he felt like I was "suffocating" him. I said I just don't understand that because you have always had complete autonomy in our relationship, the only thing you can not do is cheat on me. By his reaction, I just knew. So, I proceeded to ask him point blank..."have you cheated on me?" He denied it and started to get frustrated with me but for some reason I didn't buy it and pressed again, asking him again. By the second time he told me to "leave it along". After the 3rd time, he closed his eyes and confessed with a "yes" to my questions. I tried to ask questions before the rage and tears came. All I got out of him was it was twice, he called her up to meet him at the know the same damn hotel he needed to stay at to "clear his head" and he met her at a work event - said she came with a coworker.

Of course I determined all of that was a lie through my research....

twisted posted 1/4/2019 17:26 PM

All I got out of him was it was twice...

Why is it always twice? Is once just not believable, but anymore makes look like an ass?
Anytime someone confesses and tell you "twice", it's a lie, I promise you that. It's never just twice.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 1/4/2019 21:13 PM

That's why people wait until there's someone else before they jump ship. It's just plain easier and most people just don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. Almost everyone is too cowardly to be alone, too cowardly to face themselves in the mirror. So they fill their heads with thoughts of their new person and with thoughts of justifying how their current person is a piece of shit and they just need to get out at all costs.

This is what an exit affair boils down to... They were unhappy in the relationship, but did not know how to communicate it properly, or worse, did not want to. Communicating things you are unhappy with means you then have to go through the process of doing the hard work with your spouse to work through these issues. This seems too hard, they want to take the easy way out.

They don't want to face whatever is broken in them that is making them unhappy, so instead, they blame someone else for their unhappiness.

For these types of people, it is easier to just leave and give justifications for leaving, even if that means rewriting everything. It is incredibly cowardly. Which is also why they tend to find someone else before they leave - it is always easier when they feel they have a partner in crime who "understands."

Also know that deep down, he is aware of how terrible his behavior is. He just cannot admit that, because his fragile ego cannot handle it. That is why he is coming up with every reason in the book why your relationship was terrible, even though it wasn't. I know it sucks when the person won't own it. It starts to make you feel like you are crazy. You search for things you did wrong, or things you could have done differently. But remember, even if you were the worst wife in the world (which you were definitely NOT), there is never an excuse for an affair, and he knows that!

Even if he won't say it in words, the simple fact that he chose to hide it from you means that he knows it was wrong, so his actions are speaking for him. It's like a kid being confronted by their parents for sneaking out. They might get defensive, yell, and even slam the door to their room. But ultimately all this does is confirm to the parent that they were right, and the kid is just being immature and acting out. He might not be admitting fault through his words, but he is through his actions. I know that doesn't undo his horrible behavior, but hopefully it helps you feel a little less crazy.

Slight t/j: Falc, you, BB8 and I seem to be in very similar positions given our ages, the length of our marriages, and the exit affairs. Every post you have written I can connect to on a very deep level, and it seems that BB8 feels the same. I don't know if this is sexist or not, and I don't mean to be insensitive as I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it is comforting to know that this same thing happens to men as well - it feels like the media tends to portray BS as female and WS as male, so it's easy to get swept up in a man-hating type of frenzy, so I am glad to have seen all of your posts, it helps me see that this is more about personality type than anything else. The WS being of the personality who won't take responsibility for anything, and who wants the world to revolve around them, and the BS being the type who would give anything for it to work, and maybe often would give too much. I know not every BS is a codependent, but it seems to be a common thread. And I know Codependents get a bad wrap, and I am of course going through a lot of self-help to make changes for the better, but if people were incapable of change, and I had to choose between being a blame-shifting, narcissist or a person who gives too much, I would choose the latter every time! End t/j

Also, BB8, I sent you a PM. Hang in there everyone!

Krieger posted 1/5/2019 07:58 AM

This old boy is living in a fantasy world in his mind of this other family. Naturally you know that dating and living together are two different things. When he has responsibilities to that group, that dynamic is going to change big time. He will have to take care of the whole herd and not just getting the milk for free.

None of this should be where you concentrate your efforts. Don't let him steal the sunshine out of your day. If his career has set backs it is because is superiors had doubts about him, not you. I would limit conversations to what is necessary and not try to push on your relationship. The harder you push for him to pick you the harder he will run the other direction.

You are going to be riding a big emotional rollercoaster for several months. You will have good days and bad days and you just have to realize that it will happen. How do you get through the tough days? It is like the old joke about how do you eat an elephant sandwich ... one bite at a time. Losing a marriage is much like losing a loved one, you are mourning the death of this relationship. It is more than just the man, it is the hopes and dreams that you had for the future.

You may want to consider counseling to help you through the short run. Exercise is helps also to relieve the stress and makes a healthier you. If you have a hobby you enjoy, spend more time there. If you don't then consider doing something you have always wanted to try. Volunteering is a cause is good to help those in need and will appreciate your time. You need to get to busy living your life that you don't have time for his.

brokenbride8 posted 1/5/2019 08:52 AM

@HeHadADoubleLife -
They don't want to face whatever is broken in them that is making them unhappy, so instead, they blame someone else for their unhappiness.

This is exactly it!!! Iím a good person and my husband knows our relationship was very important to me which means I wouldíve done whatever to salvage it in the end. He didnít want that. It went straight from finding out about the affair to him wanting a divorce. No separation. No marriage counseling. No nothing. He absolutely felt comfortable bc he already had cultivated a relationship behind my back...I love the example you gave. Itís true that his actions scream guilt and immaturity. He just doesnít want to admit it. He literally said to my father the other day, ďI havenít done anything to you or your daughterĒ. Mind blown....Iíll have to find your thread/story!!

@Krieger - Iím working on focusing on other things other than him and his shenanigans. Itís so hard. I was out to dinner with a girlfriend last night and realized I talked and vented the entire tile about my husband, the OW and the divorce. Sometimes it consumes me out of nowhere and I hate it. I canít help but ďwonderĒ and create scenarios in my head. For example I envisioned them out at the movies only because Friday nights were typically our dinner and a movie nights. Little things like that creep in my brain...I havenít heard from him since he ruined my girls night and doubt I will again. I have a feeling if he does reach out, it will be with something pointless and annoying. I already told him not to email me again bc all he kept doing was rehashing the ďreasonsĒ why he ďfell out of love and wants to explore being singleĒ now. I donít understand why he would even keep rehashing those excuses. The last email was sent Christmas night after he got mad I stopped by to get my gym shoes so I could work out in the morning. Caught him at home alone eating tacos for Christmas dinner. I assumed he would be with the OW after I found his gift for her (Tiffanyís), but guess not. It made me feel sorry for him but I also told myself thatís what he wanted so thatís what he gets...

I think I will get back in the gym and focus on that. Iím currently seeing a therapist once a week but feel like I need to be there every other day with this rollercoaster Iím on :(

@twisted - yeaaaa it wasnít just twice. I noticed him in work event pictures with her dating back to last summer once I found out who she was/what she looked like. Once I told his family about her, he changed his tune by saying he just wants to explore single life and making it seem like I ďconvincedĒ myself that 1 person helped push for the divorce. Basically trying to protect her now. I noticed she called and had her info removed from white pages too...

ShutterHappy posted 1/5/2019 09:25 AM


You should either block his email or copy and paste a standard response like ďIím sorry you feel this way, I hope you have a nice lifeĒ. Donít even read the email.

WH: ďDo you know where I left the socks my mom gave me for xmas last year?Ē

You: ďIím sorry you feel this way, I hope you have a nice lifeĒ

The more you detach, the better you will be. Yes he is self centered and immature. But it doesnít matter anymore.

If it makes you feel better, I often say:

In the long run, cheaters donít get what they expect, they get what they deserve.

t/j : HeHadADoubleLife: I was in my 20s when my xWW did an exit affair after 2 years of marriage. Up to that point, watching TV and what not, I thought that, most of the time, men are mostly cheating self centered jerks and women were victims.
Then it happened to me. I would have been less surprised if a flying saucer had landed in the backyard and a oreo cookie shaped aliens would have said: we come in peace, give us all your milk. So yeah, not only men do exit affairs.

Edits: fixing my English the best I can.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:28 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Echo86 posted 1/5/2019 09:25 AM

Hi @brokenbride8

While I canít relate to your situation 100%, I can totally relate to the pain of being with someone for a long time (12 years total) and married for a short time (2.5 years) before my life crumbled around me. I also got engaged in 2014 and married in 2016. I also was going to try to start having a family in january. He was my best friend and my everything - and no, our life together wasnít perfect, but there were no signs of infidelity. I was completely blindsided. Everything changed. For me it was the beginning of December. Itís still early days in our healing. Iím so sorry youíre going through this. Youíre not alone in the pain you feel. Itís like no other - I totally get it.

Iím doing the same thing to cope - going to the gym, going to a therapist, etc. I know what you mean by coming back to a black hole. I think the shock and reality of it all takes a really long time to process and subside. I have my ďIím okĒ moments and then I think ďholy crap, this is real, this is my life.Ē Itís like being in a nightmare. The confusion and unfairness of it all is the hardest thing to swallow for me. I go through waves of intense love, and then hatred, and sadness, and anger, and all of the emotions.

I tell myself that horrible things like this happen because sometimes we need a slap in the face to make serious changes in our lives. I think I loved my husband more than I loved myself for a long time, without realizing it. Now Iím forced to figure out my life and what I want out of it. Iím forced to care for myself and put my needs first.

Iím just sending you a lot of love, where ever you are. Trust and believe that thereís a bigger plan for you. None of this makes sense now but maybe it will one day. ❤️

beauchateaux posted 1/5/2019 11:23 AM

The complete 180 he's doing is directly related to the level of shame and guilt he's repressing. After all, if he's cold and unresponsive to your attempts to connect with him, he doesn't have to see the depth of the pain you're in. The pain HE is inflicting on you.

I feel like most WSes expect - and prepare for - rage. The Hollywood Reaction, right? They expect bitterness and resentment, yelling and screaming and throwing plates - being kicked out and immediate divorce. They figure it'll make it easier for them to leave. He expected you to confirm every excuse he gave himself as to why he was entitled to act this way and thereby confirm he was making the right decision.

You aren't doing that. Your predominant emotions are hurt and grief, and that's NOT helping him execute his great plan. Now he's not the poor, hapless victim of a monstrous wife - HE'S the monster, and he's angry at you for putting him in that role (I know, I know - backwards) when all he wanted was for you to throw plates or punches. Shoot, he was probably hoping to do the 'I need space' thing and then tell you he decided he wants to end the marriage without ever admitting the infidelity. But you pushed it, he admitted it and now HE'S the 'bad guy', and he's pissed at you for forcing it. The mental gymnastics are stunning.

Hence hiding in the dang bedroom when you came to get your things and cutting off members of his family. He's hiding from reality. Period.

SO, he'll go ahead and eat his Christmas tacos and tell himself that he's about to embark on a carefree, endlessly fun new life - with an older woman who already has two kids. Yeah, good luck with that.

I give him a matter of weeks before he's sitting on a park bench somewhere thinking - what the hell have I done??

But again - not your circus, not your monkey. Think of it like this - eventually, when the dust settles, you're both going to come out of this with a much clearer understanding of yourselves and what you are capable of - but only one of you is going to be happy with that new info.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 11:25 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Cooley2here posted 1/5/2019 11:34 AM

Dr. Ramani Durvasuli has a YouTube about narcissism. It is such a good explanation on what they are really like.
I know that people fall in love and act like idiots but when someone discards their entire life you are looking at something entirely different
Mods, I am not recommending, or defining anything, as I do not have the training, but many of these bs have stories that do not make sense unless the explanations are about some sort of disordered personality.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 3:57 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Catwoman posted 1/6/2019 14:03 PM

This doesn't sound like narcissism to me. I've had a lot of experience with NPD, and it's my experience that all NPDs are assholes, but not every asshole is NPD.

He sounds entitled, full of himself and probably egged on by the AP to be acting as he is. It likely started with his promotion and once he realized he could prey on damsels in distress by being the BMOC, the die was cast.

Unfortunately, he's likely not understanding that he who rescues a damsel in distress merely ends up with a distressed damsel. I'd let him find out that one himself.

But diagnosis or not, his behavior is beyond hurtful and you are well within your rights to minimize contact and have him communicate via the attorneys. Yes, it will be more expensive, but he's not someone you would trust to negotiate with.


sassylee posted 1/6/2019 16:48 PM

Love the acronym Catwoman! Iíve never seen it before but knew what it meant immediately. I agree with Cat...narcs just donít keep the mask on for 12 years. Thereís always periodic slips of the monster followed by lovebombing to woo you back in line. Heís just a douchebag.

Cooley2here posted 1/6/2019 19:54 PM

I do not enjoy thread jacking this but I am going to remind people that Scott Peterson was a charming man for years before he killed his wife and unborn child and no one saw that side of him at all. This man, in treating his wife this way, has gone so past any idea of normalcy that I canít help but believe he has something seriously wrong. The only thing I can come up with from what she writes is a personality disorder. Of course I could be wrong. Still, there is something horrible about a man pushing his wife out to the point that she canít live in her own home anymore.

The1stWife posted 1/7/2019 03:44 AM

My H is not a narcissist. He was a good guy until the period of his last Affair. Typical cheater behavior and mentality:

He ďdeservedĒ to be happy and the A made him happy

His unhappiness was my fault

In his words weíd grown apart and we were disconnected

I didnít support him

Typical cheater mentality. We have all seen or experienced it. In my case my H was planning to D me. He announced it on a number of occasions. He had it all planned out. He was going to be with the OW.

As in brokenbrideís case - my H became unrecognizable. Not the guy I married. He became selfish and mean and cold. He had no feelings for me. Just for the OW and himself.

The BS is the roadblock to the true happiness of the CS. The CS acts like a spiked brat and will do whatever it takes to get their own way - in the name of happiness.

Also the CS avoids any consequences and blameshifts it all. The cheater takes no responsibility fir destroying g the M.

Brokenbride the day my H ended the A his plan was to take it all to his grave. Like nothing ever happened. He was planning to finally start working in reconciliation in our M (instead if cheating ). The crap he put me through - demanding a D that day even- he thought in his delusional mind he could erase.

Like a ďdo overĒ.

Except I called the OW unbeknownst to him and found out the truth. So his ďplanĒ blew up. But he truly believed he was taking this to his grave. And I would never find out.

Affair fog or delusional thinking or whatever you want to call it.

Brokenbride- The facts are your H has gone off the deep end, changed completely and has forced you out of your home. Heís not the guy you married and it appears that guy is lost. Who knows if he will ever appear again. But the damage is done.

I thought my H was having a breakdown or on drugs during his infidelity period. That is how crazy and out of character he was.

My therapist told me he has seen a mid life crisis ruin more lives than he can count. Itís kike a switch goes on or off and you donít recognize the person any more.

Brokenbride Iím sorry you are facing this after a short marriage (but knowing him a long time). Heís just a selfish jerk now with a typical cheater mentality.

brokenbride8 posted 1/7/2019 08:55 AM

@Hurtmyheart - My thoughts exactly! He even claimed to have gotten some clarity from church (as if God said his adultery and was okay and divorce is too). He wholeheartedly felt like this was the ďrightĒ thing to do. To my knowledge the OW was never married. Sounds like she was still on and off with the father of her 2 children and honestly, only Lord knows who else she has in the mix besides my husband. Some days I have more motivation that others, but Iím certainly still in the forcing myself to do things phase. I hate that this situation has seemingly made me lose interest in most things

@ShutterHappy - I can relate to the flying saucer example...I donít think he will be reaching out to me anymore anyway. At least he has no real reason to...Iím sure if he does it will be to say something annoying that will likely piss me off anyway. Going to work on getting my mail forwarded to my parents house so I donít even have to risk seeing or dealing with him to get that. Getting him out of my system has been excruciating, especially given all of this transpired Nov/Dec.

@Echo86 - sounds like we are definitely in the same boat and Iím so sorry for that. Being blindsided, the wave of emotions, moments of shock and I too see now that I loved my husband more than I loved myself. I donít know when or how I got to that point, but this is very evident to me now. Some days I feel like the grief and pain could just take me out and Iíd be okay with it. Other days I going to ďget my life togetherĒ and focus on self care. Iíve never felt so unstable in my life.

@beauchatuex - I donít know why I feel like he is just not guilty and shame. Iím sure youíre right, but he has been so callous, careless and just a complete dick in our last interactions. I definitely have him the Hollywood reaction the day I found out, but from there it plummeted into intensive sadness and depression. He is doing a great job at hiding from reality and staying within his ďboxĒ (only surrounding himself with 2 terrible friends (1 is basically a hoe and the other is a married cheater, the other woman and burying himself in work). I feel like me catching him eating his Christmas tacos set him off (came home to get my gym shoes so I could work out in the morning) since I got another pointless email that same night. It was like he felt compelled to provide me ďclarityĒ and basically introduce the storyline of him just wanting to ďexplore being single because he has fallen out of loveĒ. Thereís a part of me that feels like he will never have that ďoh shitĒ moment and has completely morphed into a different person. Most days are a struggling for me right now but Iím still moving forward (baby steps).

@Cooley2here - thank you for the reco! Iíll check it out. Iíve been entertaining the thought of a personality disorder too. He doesnít know really anything about his fatherís side of the family, so not sure what may be out there. His upbringing wasnít the most loving and he has some harbored resentments about that as well so maybe itís just personal issues that never surfaced... its something, I just donít know what

@Catwoman - Iím not sure what it is, but I know the OW definitely played a part in the manipulation. It just saddens me that I was married to a man with such a weak mind. Whatís even worse is he claimed to a friend that he truly doesnít see how he is being hurtful or an asshole at all...and this was said after moving my belongings to the spare room with a futon and putting a lock on the door to our actual bedroom. Itís enraging and heartbreaking at the same time. I went from being his sun moon and stars to basically like a puppy who gets ďthat roomĒ to sleep in.

@The1stWife - Unrecognizable is the key and itís been gut-wrenching to say the least. The damaged that has been done is irreconcilable at this point and we officially have a divorce case now so Iím just trying to press on now as best I can. Thereís still a part of me that feels like he was heavily influenced by the OW and his cheating married ďbest friendĒ aka the snake and doesnít even realize it. Both are 12 years older than him, so Iím sure he has taken their ďadviceĒ to weigh more. Although he swears up and down to me that he is his own man and no one can easily sway him to do anything *insert eye roll*
This is going to be the longest 3-4 months of my life. While Iím forced to pick up the pieces, he is getting exactly what he wanted (the OW/to be single & rid himself of me). I know this is not my fault, but the thought that someone is willing to throw away so much history, memories, love etc for someone they met a year ago destroys me and makes me feel like I wasnít good enough. The fact that he would even weigh the pros and cons between us (per his ďfriendĒ) is crazy hurtful. How does one analyze their wife who they have invested so much in and has said is blessed to spend the rest of their life with etc etc to a coworker who is 12 years older with 2 kids, still involved with the father of her children, etc.

I just want to share with you all the love note that I found written in a card for her for Christmas....

ďI sit back and think about what draws me to you and begin to lose count. I canít get enough of your infectious smile, laugh and overall personality. How is a woman this beautiful so down to earth and easy to talk to? You asked me the other day if you are my best friend. And that is a resounding YES! The vibe we have is unique. And I know itís been a very, very, very bumpy road to get to this point. My screw ups make it hard to see that paradise and bliss are only a few more miles away. I donít mean to ignore the things you say, I swear to the utmost. I get so excited for new experiences with you I lose count. I feel worse right now than I did the first time. But trust me please. I will be absolutely conscious of my actions. From now on, I am #teamwhen(womansname)says so.
Your future,

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