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2 years married & headed for divorce

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Hurtmyheart posted 1/9/2019 17:24 PM

Stay no contact. Hold strong and steady. You got this, Brokenbride. There is no reason at this point to have any conversation with him. Maybe if he crawls back on his hands and knee's broken, bawling, inconsolable (you know, just like he is making you feel) and remorseful and is willing to give you whatever you want and I mean whatever you want....then you decide.

Sorry but I just don't trust him at this point.

brokenbride8 posted 1/11/2019 12:41 PM

Updates:

Nothing really new except my husband has continued to delete pictures of us on social media, unfriended/unfollowed me yet still follows certain friends he only met through me + my sister.

One of my girlfriends sent me flowers to work. My husband has sent me flowers to my job for my birthday every year for the past 8 years. I must say after finding out that he had been sending her flowers EVERYDAY last month, it ruined this for me. It was something I truly looked forward to/appreciated....

I received birthday wishes from some of his family (mother via text, grandmother, cousin/best man in our wedding, grandfather and aunt)

Funny story - I logged on to FB the other day and noticed his grandfather accidentally posted a picture of me (nice headshot) to his page. Now it has about 11 comments on it ranging from "who is this beautiful creature" to "wow she is gorgeous, who is that?" - he responds to these comments telling people I am his grandson's wife. What makes this funny is 1. He knows about the divorce/OW because my husband's mother broke the news and 2. My husband may have deleted me, but I'm likely still popping up on his feed - pretty sure he was livid. His grandfather sent me a private message apologizing for posting the picture and said he was trying to show a friend....this led me to believe that maybe he was comparing me to the other woman (assuming he now has the pictures that have been circulating of her). Anyway he ended with saying "some men just don't know when they have a good thing. Head up!"

My sister and a few girlfriends are working double time to support me and they are taking me out this weekend for my birthday. I plan to change my look (hair, getting makeup done, etc.) just to feel better. I honestly have been struggling more and more with body image issues which I've never had before. I have a petite frame but have lost weight in going through the affair/divorce. This was magnified when I found that my husband has been liking a lot of chicks pics that are very different from me size/looks-wise (you know the ones...where they are obviously showing off their bodies/ass,cleavage,etc. - thirst trap pictures. Stupid to even pay attention to I know...

I haven't shared the news of the divorce with anyone other than close family/friends, but it feels like it's getting increasingly harder to hide. We've been together so long, there's really no one that doesn't associate us with each other - so in turn they ask about him or mention him somehow.

I just hate what he has done to me..done to us...done to our family & friends...our future. Sorry to sound like a broken record.

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 12:43 PM, January 11th (Friday)]

steadychevy posted 1/11/2019 13:09 PM

Not a broken record, brokenbride. A familiar situation for most of us.

ETA: Shit. I could have found a more appropriate description. Changed to "situation".

[This message edited by steadychevy at 1:11 PM, January 11th (Friday)]

fareast posted 1/11/2019 17:59 PM

Not a broken record at all. As much as it hurts keep moving forward. Your WH’s grandfather is a very wise man. Strength to you brokenbride.

childofcheater posted 1/11/2019 18:25 PM

Happy birthday!! So glad u have such good friends. I agree with others who say don't respond. If you are tempted to respond I would just say "your actions have spoken for you loud and clear and we have nothing to discuss unless it's through our attorneys"

Wishing you all the best BB I know it's hard!

brokenbride8 posted 1/11/2019 20:33 PM

Thank you for the birthday wishes!

So my husbands mother texted me today to tell me she reached out to him to talk/go to breakfast on Sunday. She said he was hesitant and mentioned how he had to go to the gym, but then quickly changed it up and agreed to go. She told him she wasn't there to talk about the "situation" since he has "obviously made up his mind", but to discuss their relationship and the things he expressed to her. She opened up, he opened up and it sounds like it's the first baby step to repairing their relationship.

This immediately made me sad. Sad because I've always tried to encourage my husband to try to connect with his mother on a deeper level (remember he is closer to his grandmother based on his upbringing), now it's finally happening! It's almost like the demise of our marriage was the catalyst (him having the affair > upsetting his mother & her questioning it> him lashing out at her and saying things he had been feeling that were unrelated to the affair > her feelings getting hurt > her reaching out to talk > him finally opening up). I bet he ran right home and told the OW about the breakfast with his mom (also drives me nuts to fathom)...I might be overthinking it, but it's just hurtful that I won't get to see their relationship strengthen when it's something I've wanted for him for so long. Again, he was closer to my family, so I'm sure in a weird way this helped validate for him that he REALLY doesn't need me/my family or anyone else in my circle that loved him too anymore.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/12/2019 00:23 AM

Hi BB, my WH and I have been discussing your situation and we were wondering if this could be an exit affair? Maybe it matters to you or maybe it doesn't but we also feel that a part of the healing process is to figure out the why's of the downfall of your marriage.

Here are a few of our thoughts and without knowing both sides of your situation, it almost seems to us like this may be an exit affair for your husband? From what you mentioned on your previous posts, you said that your WH was unhappy because he wanted kids earlier in your relationship and you didn't because you wanted to enjoy life a little longer as a couple. You also told us that he was getting tired of traveling and wanted to have a more normal life. He also wanted to keep the possibility open to transfer in his company and you weren't very excited about the idea of relocation and wanted to stay close to family. You also mentioned that you felt somewhat stifled in the marriage.

I do not condone your WH behavior and my WH and I keep wondering if your WH was becoming increasingly unhappy and dissatisfied with the idea of marriage and commitment and he felt his only way out was an exit affair. It's very hard for my WH and I to see that your WH would even want to consider settling down with his mistress. We feel he is using her to end the marriage with you so that he can be free.

What are your thoughts?

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 12:36 AM, January 12th (Saturday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 1/12/2019 00:48 AM

I'm glad that you have special people in real life and here on SI that care about you, want to see you overcome this and are supporting you emotionally from both sides of the family. I think that is so awesome!
I also love the what your WH grandfather told you about the FB post. I am pretty sure that they are extremely disappointed in and disgusted with how your WH husband has handled this situation. Hang in there, hold your head up high, continue no contact with him. You will get through this and come out stronger than you ever could have realized you were capable of being. Trust me on this one. You got this.

Happy Birthday, BB!

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 12:49 AM, January 12th (Saturday)]

brokenbride8 posted 1/12/2019 03:33 AM

@Hurtmyheart - I’m starting to think so as well. It’s just crazy confusing because we’ve only been married 2 years. Here’s the ball of confusion (sorry for rehashing):

- admitted to his mom he wanted to propose/get married in 2016 & 2017 he was a happy man. But also simultaneously told her he has been “unhappy for a while” and told me on Christmas he was started to get thoughts if wanting to be single since the beginning of our marriage (note: I believe he only said that to protect the OW because he has been trying to downplay her status even after I found the love note. I knew from his friend/snake that she “didn’t want to be a part of the drama” and actually told my husband not to leave me for her - which he said to her he did)
- He met the OW in 2018 & the friend/snake said my husband would still gush about me/our relationship until he met that woman. He noticed my husband started to slowly fault find and make little complaints to him about me like “that girl loves me too much” or “she lost a lot of friends over the past couple of years” and my favorite “we barely tongue kiss anymore”. He himself was blindsided that my husband would abruptly leave me...but I take with a grain of salt given he is a snake
- My husband never actually sat me down like a man and expressed to me that he was unhappy and wanted to see change in XYZ or else...
- He wanted kids before we got married but then we both agreed to start trying Dec 2018. He used to say he didn’t want to be an “old dad”, but now in his exit, expressed he lost interest (remember other woman already has 2 little ones)
- Although I wasn’t excited at the thought of relocation, every time I voiced over that at the end of the day I would move to the moon with him if I had to, I just needed to know what we wanted this new life to look like. He wanted to start a family, get a new house this year AND potentially relocate for work as well. In other words the “lack of enthusiasm” to me feels like crap because the OW is not going to uproot her 2 young kids to move across the country with him...or maybe she told him she would? Who knows.
- We also agreed after our vacay in Oct that we would shift gears bc we were planning to start trying. Even picked out prospect houses and drove by them to check out the neighborhood, etc. He has always had an amazing time on vacations, bragging to coworkers and buying them souvenirs, posting on social media, etc. For clarity we are not fancy frequent flyers lol. We would take 1-3 vacations a year and that usually was one “big” one (Europe or cruise) and the others would be small (weekend to ATL to see another married couple friend or San Fran). We never had debt or anything from our vacations, so his claim on this was he felt like because we aren’t just doing 1 thing at a time (i.e., saving for the house alone), we aren’t prioritizing it enough. Again, didn’t come up as a “reason” he “fell out of love” until AFTER I found out about the affair.
- Sex was also something he felt like he wasn’t satisfied in all of a sudden stating to me that although it was frequent, it started to feel vanilla to him. Keep in mind he always seemed like a happy camper to me & never suggested anything new/different or something I’ve turned him down on. My husband has only had 1 other partner before me, so I honestly feel like anything new would rock his world, especially someone as experienced as the OW- as sad as that makes me feel to say
- His friend/snake said my husband made a list of “pros & cons” of me vs the other woman and said “If I went with the pros and cons, it would be my wife all the way, but I have to follow my heart and see this through”

Net, these “resentments” and “reasons” he “fell out of love” came out only AFTER I found out about the affair vs. him sitting me down or communicating like a real man about about things. Like why agree to timetables like we are on the same page then all of sudden say you’ve been harboring resentments and it’s “too late” he has to “leave it to fate” and believes this is “for the best long term”. No separation. No interest in marriage counseling, just divorce.

All of these were fixable if communicated. He also admitted to him mom he didn’t communicate to me he was “unhappy” but this is the same man who left me love notes on our bedroom door & bathroom door 2 weeks prior & proclaimed to the world how “blessed” he feels to “spend the rest of his life” with me in August in an elaborate social media post.

brokenbride8 posted 1/12/2019 03:33 AM

@Hurtmyheart - I’m starting to think so as well. It’s just crazy confusing because we’ve only been married 2 years. Here’s the ball of confusion (sorry for rehashing):

- admitted to his mom he wanted to propose/get married in 2016 & 2017 he was a happy man. But also simultaneously told her he has been “unhappy for a while” and told me on Christmas he was started to get thoughts if wanting to be single since the beginning of our marriage (note: I believe he only said that to protect the OW because he has been trying to downplay her status even after I found the love note. I knew from his friend/snake that she “didn’t want to be a part of the drama” and actually told my husband not to leave me for her - which he said to her he did)
- He met the OW in 2018 & the friend/snake said my husband would still gush about me/our relationship until he met that woman. He noticed my husband started to slowly fault find and make little complaints to him about me like “that girl loves me too much” or “she lost a lot of friends over the past couple of years” and my favorite “we barely tongue kiss anymore”. He himself was blindsided that my husband would abruptly leave me...but I take with a grain of salt given he is a snake
- My husband never actually sat me down like a man and expressed to me that he was unhappy and wanted to see change in XYZ or else...
- He wanted kids before we got married but then we both agreed to start trying Dec 2018. He used to say he didn’t want to be an “old dad”, but now in his exit, expressed he lost interest (remember other woman already has 2 little ones)
- Although I wasn’t excited at the thought of relocation, every time I voiced over that at the end of the day I would move to the moon with him if I had to, I just needed to know what we wanted this new life to look like. He wanted to start a family, get a new house this year AND potentially relocate for work as well. In other words the “lack of enthusiasm” to me feels like crap because the OW is not going to uproot her 2 young kids to move across the country with him...or maybe she told him she would? Who knows.
- We also agreed after our vacay in Oct that we would shift gears bc we were planning to start trying. Even picked out prospect houses and drove by them to check out the neighborhood, etc. He has always had an amazing time on vacations, bragging to coworkers and buying them souvenirs, posting on social media, etc. For clarity we are not fancy frequent flyers lol. We would take 1-3 vacations a year and that usually was one “big” one (Europe or cruise) and the others would be small (weekend to ATL to see another married couple friend or San Fran). We never had debt or anything from our vacations, so his claim on this was he felt like because we aren’t just doing 1 thing at a time (i.e., saving for the house alone), we aren’t prioritizing it enough. Again, didn’t come up as a “reason” he “fell out of love” until AFTER I found out about the affair.
- Sex was also something he felt like he wasn’t satisfied in all of a sudden stating to me that although it was frequent, it started to feel vanilla to him. Keep in mind he always seemed like a happy camper to me & never suggested anything new/different or something I’ve turned him down on. My husband has only had 1 other partner before me, so I honestly feel like anything new would rock his world, especially someone as experienced as the OW- as sad as that makes me feel to say
- His friend/snake said my husband made a list of “pros & cons” of me vs the other woman and said “If I went with the pros and cons, it would be my wife all the way, but I have to follow my heart and see this through”

Net, these “resentments” and “reasons” he “fell out of love” came out only AFTER I found out about the affair vs. him sitting me down or communicating like a real man about about things. Like why agree to timetables like we are on the same page then all of sudden say you’ve been harboring resentments and it’s “too late” he has to “leave it to fate” and believes this is “for the best long term”. No separation. No interest in marriage counseling, just divorce.

All of these were fixable if communicated. He also admitted to him mom he didn’t communicate to me he was “unhappy” but this is the same man who left me love notes on our bedroom door & bathroom door 2 weeks prior & proclaimed to the world how “blessed” he feels to “spend the rest of his life” with me in August in an elaborate social media post.

ChamomileTea posted 1/12/2019 10:32 AM

This guy sounds like a teenage boy, not a man of 30 years. And the reason his excuses sound implausible are because they're EXCUSES. Just rationalizations so he could give himself permission to get some strange.

You are exactly right. His whole list is comprised of stuff which would've been relatively easy to work out. But working it out wouldn't have gotten him the strange. So, I hope you can see how it's all bullshit.

I know how hard it is not to internalize your WH's rationalizations. Most of us beat ourselves half to death trying to figure out what we did wrong or how we could have fixed it. The bottom line though is that cheaters cheat because they want to. There are myriad reasons why they want to, which might even sound plausible on the surface, but the fact that they don't choose to problem-solve honorably belies their words. Their ACTIONS speak the truth. His action was to cheat.

ibonnie posted 1/12/2019 11:51 AM

- His friend/snake said my husband made a list of “pros & cons” of me vs the other woman and said “If I went with the pros and cons, it would be my wife all the way, but I have to follow my heart and see this through”

The insanity of it all! Nothing your WS says right now is going to make sense right now because he's off in LaLaLand, while you're still living in reality.

While my WS's A was ongoing, I found a text conversation between him and a coworker/"friend." WS said that he cared about me but things hadn't been good for years (news to me, especially given all the anniversary cards/love notes/etc. I had saved during all the *horrible* years). Meanwhile he felt like his AP was like his soulmate -- they just got each other and had so much fun.

Literally all they did was go out drinking 1x a week with coworkers and then would split off and go to a hotel and bone before he would leave her and come home... Was our homelife super fun at the time? Having two little kids, one with colic and a wife suffering with PPA? Not to mention feeling like I was insane because he was gaslighting me about having an affair? Er... no. But I digress.

He was running up a whole bunch of CC debt. Other coworkers were suspecting their A and making derogatory comments toward him and he was highly offended that they were judging him because he wasn't *really* a cheater, it was just something that happened to him and he couldn't resist TRU LUV.

AP was a decade older than him (40), at least twice his size, broke, hung up on her boyfriend that died in HS, still lived at home with her parents, had an adult daughter (20) that lived with her, his family and friends were basically shunning him for having an A (I exposed to them all), oh, and he was scared that if work actually found out he or they would be penalized. But again! TRU LUV!! SO HAPPY!!

Anyways, I went no contact and did what I could to take care of myself and our kids and move out of infidelity.

He ended his A April 2018. It's taken a while, but now he looks back with shame and disgust and says that he was depressed, he hated himself, but rather than admit it, he blamed all his problems on me/my family. His AP just compounded it -- told he he was so attractive, such a great father, his wife didn't like him, was just using him as a sperm donor , yada yada yada. All they did was have sex and party and tell each other how great they were.

Now he looks back and says she was a reflection of what he thought about himself and what he deserved -- she wasn't very smart, or kind, she was angry, jealous, controlling, and violent, she spent money she didn't have on clothes and junk all the time, she was self-centered... He feels ashamed that he ever put her on a pedestal and even more so that he turned all his hatred for himself towards me.

Will your WS ever have these realizations? Idk. But I do know that whatever reasons he's giving people now are 100% grade-A bullshit, and you should ignore them because they're never going to make any sense to a smart, reasonable woman like yourself.

On a sidenote, lookup "soulmate shmoopies" on youtube, posted by moonlocks. They're funny only because this is literally how absurd cheaters are, and so many of us have head/read/experienced the same thing. It's sad though, that WS & APs actually believe such bullshit but what can ya do?

ShutterHappy posted 1/12/2019 13:20 PM

brokenbride8,

My ~8 y.o. Niece once visited my xWW one time. She went to the neighbors to play and we told her no junk food. When she came back, we asked her if she ate junk food. “No”. But why is your tongue orange? “My tongue gets orange when I’m hungry”

Makes sense? No?

Your WH’s tongue is orange. Why are you spending so much time analyzing all this? Focus on your healing, forget about your WH’s excuses. They won’t make sense.

No go celebrate your birthday and have some fun!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 1:20 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 1/12/2019 15:25 PM

BB, I think it's time to ghost everyone, except close family members and close friends that are only your friends. Everyone else, go no contact with. Besides your WH, you need to get rid of Snake out of your life. Go ghost and no contact. I think it's a okay to tell your WH family members (that you care about) that you will be spending some time on your own now to think and reflect on life. Do not tell your WH or Snake or any of his friends that you are going NC. They don't need to know anything.

Being redundant is a normal part of the healing process.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 3:26 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]

pureheartkit posted 1/12/2019 23:15 PM

Could be he was thinking about adventures with others for a while and this woman came along and offered up anything he wanted. He didnt know how to talk with you and so he takes the easy way and fixes on her. Oh shes so wonderful, shes the answer to everything. Nope. But hes in the butterflies stage where he overlooks all the flaws or complications. Hes grasping ...sending flowers constantly....its desperate. Its not love, its lust. There is no love there.

If he could not hold himself for two years, hes not fit to be a father. Everything seemed perfect but he was hiding something from you. Same with mine. I knew him since we were in grade school and dated in high school. You think I would know that man. No, there was a big secret hidden that he let out while traveling and finally got caught with a local woman. You found out two years in. I wish that was me. I had the same situation as you. Everyone thought we were destined to be happy ever after. I never dreamed he had this part of himself hidden away. I say to you its a horrible thing to have your idea of who you were smashed but at least it came sooner for you and you can look for an honest man who wants to stay and be loyal while you are young and lovely. You wont be single long.

The1stWife posted 1/13/2019 09:05 AM

Please stop letting his craziness and illogical behavior affect you. Stop analyzing it. Stop listening to it. Stop hearing it.

🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑

He is talking nonsense. You know it. His family knows it.

Every thing he has stated is just an excuse. Nothing you did or did not do caused him to cheat. He just met the OW and decided to cheat.

Those are the facts. He chose to cheat.

Nothing else is a factor. Not his goals or dreams or career or children.

Honestly - if you had children he would blame it on that. Too stressful. He’s tired and unappreciated b/c of a baby. You don’t pay “attention” to him - after just having a baby and sleeping very little the first few months. If you had a new house he would complain it’s expensive and he doesn’t have enough money.

I hope you can see he is blaming everyone but himself.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:06 AM, January 13th (Sunday)]

Krieger posted 1/13/2019 15:11 PM

Don't try to make logic out of the things he is saying, since he is not using logic to make his decisions. It just muddies the water with facts. I get the impression he may have been a spoiled child, he seems rather selfish.

beauchateaux posted 1/14/2019 12:07 PM

Ditto to everything The1stWife said. Totally spot on. And Krieger, too.

There is no cookie-cutter marriage, even on a site like this where we are all here for the same marital crisis (infidelity). The fact is, infidelity happens to all kinds of couples, and the common thread is that the WS can ALWAYS come up with all the excuses they need to justify cheating. No matter what the state of the marriage was - which is why there's nothing any of us could have done to prevent what happened, and there's also no consistent technique on how to 'see it coming'. Sometimes there are signs & symptoms for months, years - sometimes it happens the way it did to you, out of the freaking blue.

You want to read into his words because you're searching for meaning and trying to reconstruct your reality somehow - but his words are meaningless. It's futile. And that's super frustrating, I know - but it's the truth.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 12:08 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 1/14/2019 12:14 PM

Affairs don’t deal in reality.

That is why they are so easy - it’s not a real relationship built in real life.

It’s all secretive and lies.

Affairs are like this - remember that guy or girl in HS your parents told you to stay away from but you couldn’t b/c you loved them. Or you thought you did. He or she was troubled. You were going to be loving and supportive.

It’s all drama and united together against @everyone” b/c it’s true love. Until the day dawns and hopefully you wake up and realize he or she is a loser and going nowhere and you move on. You grow up and see the real person - not the idolized fantasy person.

That is an Affair.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:15 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

WifeInterrupted4 posted 1/14/2019 17:07 PM

I am so sorry you're going through this. Your situation is heartbreaking to read. I want you to know that you're not alone.
I'm in a similar position to you in that I haven't been married long. People mean well when they say "at least it wasn't 20 years in with 2 kids" etc. but the pain is just as real. It hurts because it really does feel like yesterday you got married and were enjoying every minute of each others company.

It's especially hard when you're blindsided with what you've been going through and there is zero remorse from the wayward spouse. If you WH is indeed going to be with the OW, I can assure you it won't last or at the very least thrive. A relationship based on lies and selfishness is a weak foundation.

When I did some digging and found out about my WH's affair, the first few months were agony. You're trying to understand what happened, fighting like hell to make things work, and in the end, having a war between your head and your heart. I didn't get out of bed for days, and that was with the support of my large family and my in-laws. But slowly it gets easier. If I can give you a tip. Don't romanticize about the person you married. He is gone. It's hard to turn off your feelings, but don't feed into them. Especially for a man who was not forthcoming with his feelings before and after the A. You deserve someone so much better than a man who is too weak to communicate and work for something special. Take it day by day and focus on yourself. Any little milestone should be celebrated. You're going through a traumatic event. And you will be stronger.

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