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2 years married & headed for divorce

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steadychevy posted 1/30/2019 12:40 PM

You are basically 4 months since DDay. That is a very short time. This isn't a sprint, brokenbride. It's a marathon. You will go 2 steps forward, one step back and maybe one step forward and 2 back from time to time. There is no fast track. Any effort to shortcut can and very likely will be counterproductive.

I think in your last post you indicated that while you seem to be stuck you are in a better place than you were. That's good. Progress.

This is all on him. I agree with trusted. He isn't good enough for you. You are the prize as hard as that might seem. He's the loser.

Just hang in there, brokenbride. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to something special. Cry when you need to. Keep moving forward. Best wishes.

brokenbride8 posted 1/30/2019 19:06 PM

@pureheartkit – I could definitely be eating better (my STBXWH and I cooked every day during the week. Now my diet mostly consists of fast food – something he would’ve gladly ate on the regular out of convenience - which I ironically hate). I started a list of small goals…that honestly are more like things to do I guess, but for me. Just have to find the will to do more than look at them and add to it.

@HeHadADoubleLife – To take it a step further, I often think about maybe starting a list of things I’m grateful for or writing them on post-its and start to put them in a jar. Thank you for the book/workbook suggestion! I will check them out. Getting a pet is actually on my list for when I move out (hopefully this Spring/Summer) after the divorce is final and I can save enough money to sustain myself initially. I also thought about volunteering at a shelter (I love dogs!) but unfortunately, it’s been “on the list” for a while. Just have to push myself to get up, get out and do it. I honestly can’t wait to go on another vacation. I feel like I’m happiest when I have a trip to look forward to. I started to pre-plan my first solo trip, but then just end up sad thinking about traveling with him or the fact that it’s so far away because realistically I should be focused on getting a place to stay first. Thank you for cheering me on! I’m trying over here.

@AbandonedGuy - Special kind of hell is right!!! The good news is I’ve officially stopped all communication with the “friend” aka the Snake. Even though some days I’m super tempted to get the latest, but know it won’t do anything but set me back a TON. Social media and my obsession over the OW are the next hurdles…Thinking about making a list of monthly goals/tasks to give my life some direction. Right now, I have just a random list of things I’ll eventually have the will power to do. As for the “talk out the poison” that is exactly something I’m dealing with now. I get urges sometimes to rehash with a friend or tell someone new like a friend who is more in the acquaintance circle that I don’t hear from too often to ensure they know so they don’t wish him a happy birthday this summer on this FB and think shit is sweet – my petty, petty, petty heart )
You are right about the family…that’s something my dad warned me about as well. Ironically enough, my MIL text me today to check on me (weather is extremely cold here). She also mentioned that my STBXWH asked her if she could (one of these days) tell him what I told him about the “situation”. In my mind, he probably only wants to gauge how much I’ve divulged to her to assess the damage and if it’s going to be hard to bring the OW around. Or, trying to gauge how much he has to lie to cover up or debunk what I’ve said…make it seem like I was being dramatic or something *eye roll* Just my thinking.

@Terrain – I must admit I’m impressed by my progress as well. I was so, so, so broken in the beginning where I hid it from friends/family and would sometimes pray for God to end it all. The pain was that unbearable. I just hope I don’t get stuck and plateau for a while and keep making progress. NC has certainly helped that’s for sure.

@trustedg – I know..I know.. Can’t help but go there sometimes.

@Hurtmyheart – Thanks for this..I can sometimes sense my family/friends getting annoyed when I go into obsessed mode. Not currently taking anything. My therapist was going to go that route but then she said I’ve shown tremendous improvement and strength. Honestly, some days are not that bad and others feel like it just happened. Sometimes I wonder if my sessions on are just on those good days and I’m actually not improving as much as she thinks…

@Cooley2here – So hard…if that ain’t the honest truth I still find myself feeling feelings if wanting to help in some way and that he doesn’t understand what he is doing/going through a crisis and basically needs help.

@steadychevy – Technically I found out early November, so I’m approaching month 3. Feels more like month 1 though. However, that makes your note ring even more true…I so wish I could sprint through this as fast as I possibly can. Trying to remind myself that any progress is progress and it’s a good thing. I often wonder why is it so hard for me to see myself as the prize in all this. My self-confidence has certainly took a hit..

pureheartkit posted 1/31/2019 09:54 AM

Invite someone in and cook for them. Put on your best tablecloth and buy some flowers you love. So many of us have given away one of the best healing things that have been with us since early human times. A shared meal eaten slowly with friends or family is a powerful force for happiness. We repair our bodies and build bonds. Food is medicine. It directly impacts mood. It gives us energy both physical and mental.

when you can't be with someone, use healing music, positive imagery, affirmations, spiritual encouragement, listen to a positive podcast.

When you take in food, take in mental healing with it. Take them together. We all need to eat. Give thanks for your food and for the people with you and let your mind turn to everything you are grateful for.

I know people who feel bad when they eat. They feel bad about what they are eating. There is no need for this. Eat a healthful meal and then enjoy a treat if you like. If the tv is giving negativity, turn it off. If you are out, find an open space. Look at the sky, look at trees, listen to birds. Our brains are taking in sensory information and the kinds of information we take in influence mood.

Before meals, don't rush. Sit and breathe deeply and slowly, listen to sounds, be aware of the fragrance of flowers, think of what you are grateful for. Be thankful for the gift of life. If there is a waitress or waiter, thank them. When your food comes, think of it as something that will repair all your organs and give you energy and strength to help yourself and make it possible for you to help others.

Our humanity blossoms when we cooperate, reach out and make the world better for all of us. Your relaxation and your food give you the ability to do this. Food is not just food. Food is health. Food is life.

I hope you feel less broken. The future is whatever you wish and your parents sound wonderful. Tell them you are grateful for them being in your life. This is just a learning time. It will pass. Use it to grow in spirit.

pureheartkit posted 1/31/2019 10:06 AM

PS:

If you need some encouragement past my viewpoint above you can be practical and think of it as building the healthiest baby body growing environment. In a year, you can renew most of your cells. Make them super cells for the baby. This is like getting ready for the Olympics, you're doing your best with a noble goal.

You both get the benefit. I think if you mentally prepare like this, you can work toward two goals at once with a positive mindset. Its like buying land so you can build a house. Think to the future and be thankful when it arrives to greet you.

beauchateaux posted 1/31/2019 11:12 AM

She also mentioned that my STBXWH asked her if she could (one of these days) tell him what I told him about the “situation”. In my mind, he probably only wants to gauge how much I’ve divulged to her to assess the damage and if it’s going to be hard to bring the OW around. Or, trying to gauge how much he has to lie to cover up or debunk what I’ve said…make it seem like I was being dramatic or something *eye roll* Just my thinking.

Yep, he's trying to control the narrative. But you know what, that's not something you need to be worrying about right now. He's gonna say what he needs to say to make himself look as innocent in this whole mess as possible. There's nothing you can do about it. You know you've acted with integrity and that nothing about this is your fault, and his family is going to deal with his relationship with OW in whatever way they deem appropriate.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Focus on yourself - all THAT drama? That's their/his problem.

brokenbride8 posted 2/3/2019 18:25 PM

@pureheartkit – I love the baby making body thought! <3 Slowly trying to seed in healthier foods/habits into my life. Fruits, veggies and more water.

@beauchateaux – I agree. I hate that I won’t be around to defend myself, but you’re right. It’s nothing I can do about it therefore I shouldn’t be concerned.

Posting to update:
Had a good weekend. Friday I went to happy hour/dinner with a girlfriend. I worked from home all day and almost canceled on her (for the 2nd time), but didn’t. Forced myself to get dressed, put on some lipstick and went. It was good to get out. I was able to vent and talk about my situation without crying.

Yesterday, my sister came with me to this Self Love event/panel. There was a Q&A portion. So many women speaking on relationship issues or single/dating issues. Although I enjoyed it overall (plus it was good to get out 2 days in a row), I had a weird feeling. For the first time, I felt a part of a group I never imagined I’d be a part of. I don’t mean to knock single women or those exploring the dating scene, but all of a sudden I felt this slight, brief terror that I was amongst the “group”. I realized I (and everyone else) held my husband and our relationship on such a high pedestal that everyone painted me is a the “lucky one”. We were inseparable best friends. I know I’ll never understand, but I just don’t understand how he could do this. The more and more I think, I honestly feel like he has lost his way.

One of my best GFs (since HS) that lives out of state. My husband and I would visit them sometimes and hang out on double dates when they were in town. She told me that my situation has been weighing on her and she has been praying for us as she feels that we can get through this as a couple (based on the things that her & her husband has been through and how 95% of our relationship has been strong/positive). She confessed to me that she reached out to my STBXWH (text) – after getting over the initial annoyance, I told her I didn’t want to know what it said. But basically it wasn’t mean or nasty…more of a “we’ve (her and & her husband) been through the fire and know anything is possible through God and we love you like a brother” tone. She also feels like he has lost his way. He of course didn’t respond, but I can’t help but be curious now how he felt when he read it…annoyed?...sad?...guilty?...did it make him think?...I’ll never know. But it made me think about how with me, he was in a circle of love with people who truly cared about him/us. He doesn’t deserve to have my amazing friendships in his life anymore. My own family and friends loved him more than his own.

I also find myself fantasizing/day dreaming sometimes about what I would say if given the opportunity to break NC and have an in-person discussion (IF I decided to actually break it ever). I could be wrong, but I feel more emotionally stable now and would try my hardest to talk to him without crying…let him know the damage he has done…let him know about the Snake…I know it’s probably not healthy to do this, especially since there is the possibility we may never speak again OR if he does reach out, it would be with something that might piss me off and further show the devil he has become.

Pretty sure he is at the Snake’s house watching the super bowl as I type this…

Hurtmyheart posted 2/3/2019 22:27 PM

Brokenbride8, I'm so sorry for you! I want to explain to you what R looks like but I am having a hard time putting my thoughts down.

Several months have already passed since your D day with your WH. I still say, stay no contact. If he wants to reach out to you, let him do it. Stay firm in your direction. Don't reach out to him. More than likely, you will end up getting hurt all over again. Your WH needs to reach out to you if he wants to talk.

When I was in my darkest hours, my niece told me a story about what Dr. Phil wrote. He said when a man loves a woman he will do anything to reach out to her. Nothing will stop him because of his love for her is so deep. The way she told me was so beautiful. I hung onto these words because I too was so desperately wanting my WH back. I too was lost and in shock about why he was divorcing me. I didn't get it either. I was so fragile, the pain in my soul was so overwhelming!

Is this what you want, a miracle? For your WH to come back to you with remorse in his heart? I do believe what your friend said, that things could turn around. But, as I have stated, R is a very, very hard and long journey. It isn't like a break up then you make up. He severely damaged your soul. Do you truly believe the WH would be able to withstand the pain of seeing you cry all the time because he hurt you? If he loved you, then he could.

I knew there was a God. Today, I know there is a God. I prayed and talked to the Holy Spirit about how much I loved my WH and wanted him back in my life. I could feel God's presence and could hear him speak to me deep within my soul. I know this is pretty deep.

After what I went through, I know that miracles do exist. My WH is one of the them. I will tell you though that it's been an extremely painful journey for the both of us. I have never experienced the emotional highs and lows as I did while healing. This included screaming and crying for hours and hours. This meant rage, hatred, telling him to leave and never come back.

At first he told me that he wanted to run because to see the pain he caused me was too overwhelming for him to deal with. I also kept him awake many nights crying and there were many sleepless nights. This pretty much lasted for probably around 2 years. I still do occasionally have setbacks but it usually lasts for only several hours. I rarely go into the dark places anymore.

Although I consider my WH a good man today, I still have fears and worries that he may be do something to hurt me again. At times, my feelings seem so real. And I feel that the foundation of trust is gone. Sometimes I feel so raw with these emotions and when I tell my WH I am having a difficult time, he comforts me. But this is what R looks like, rebuilding a new marriage and working on building mutual respect and a new kind of trust. Sometimes it's really hard.

R and healing is such a long process. I believe I will never get over what my WH has done against me and us but I am slowly learning to accept it as part of mine and my WH history.

In order to come back together both you and your WH would have to be all in to fix this disaster your WH created. And the clean up would mean your WH also asking for forgiveness from your family and his family. Do you believe this is possible?

Something else to think about is that your marriage as you knew it no longer exists.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 12:46 AM, February 4th (Monday)]

brokenbride8 posted 2/5/2019 11:34 AM

@Hurtmyheart – I definitely won’t be initiating any contact with him. I have no real reason too (thank goodness). The pain in my soul is also overwhelming at times and I never know when it’s going to hit. It happened last night while driving home from work. I all of a sudden couldn’t control my thoughts and the tears started to flow. I think one of the most devasting parts is the lack of deep remorse (or lack of showing it to me – if he has reached that point). Maybe he never will feel truly sorry and I have to continuously accept the fact that he has changed or finally grew into the person he was always meant to be and I just didn’t know it yet. I don’t think he could even handle all that’s involved in a R anyway…especially when in the midst of it all he made comments about me crying as though it was annoying and frustrating to watch me be so emotional (vs. understanding & supportive)l…

I had a brief thought to myself the other day…I was intending on coming clean about the Snake towards the end of this divorce if given the opportunity to discuss with him. But now I have this random fear that if my STBXWH did want to reach out to talk, he would confide in the Snake about it first (of course bc he still thinks that’s his “friend”) and then the Snake will feel compelled to come “clean” that we talked just in case it comes out if my STBXWH and I were to actually have a discussion. Of course, he wouldn’t throw himself under the bus or give him the dirty details, but it slightly bothers me that he could beat me to the punch…On the other hand, most of the conversations between the Snake and I were him airing out what my STBXWH was doing and saying behind my back (true or not). He would almost be a fool to give himself away with the text screen shots I have and all of the notes I took after each discussion (not to mention the hurtful things are burned in my brain). Anyway, all of this is hypothetical of course…I could very well never hear from my STBXWH again or he could reach out and it be apparent that he is fully immersed in his new asshole, unremorseful role. Then there is a part of me that almost feels grateful for knowing the dirty details of what my STBXWH was doing behind my back because it gave me a different perspective with info I would've never know if the Snake didn't share it...

Day by day I’m praying and just trying to find comfort. Some days are better than others...then sometimes I wonder if blocking things out of my mind is actually hurting more than helping. Like I'm in denial. I just don't know anything anymore.

Hurtmyheart posted 2/5/2019 13:21 PM

Blocking things out just doesn't work. Better just to acknowledge and accept your thoughts and understand that your trama is more about acceptance and mourning the fact that your marriage is dead. And if the two of you were to consider R, your WH would need to understand why he chose the direction he did.

I believe two people play a role in issues of their marriage. I allowed shitty behavior from my WH. But I also allowed men to cross the boundries of my marriage by complimenting me (and me not blocking it) without realizing how much it hurt my WH. At that point in time though, I also believe my WH boundries with other women were also blurry but I trusted him to stay faithful.

I may be incorrect in saying this but somehow I get the feeling that your WH felt he couldn't live up to the person you are and always felt you were better than him. It seems to me that your WH had low self-esteem and once he got into the position of management, he enjoyed the newfound attention from OW.

I know in time when you look back, you will most likely have a clearer picture of what went down in your relationship and marriage. I have a very curious mind and I surely would want to know. I'm the type of person who wants to turn every rock over until I get to the truth.

I feel that it's important for you to understand how this whole mess came about, on his part and your part. I believe issues begin in childhood and if not resolved, are carried into new relationships. No one human being who walks this earth is perfect. We all have issues but the more you can learn both sides and why you chose your WH, the less likely history will repeat itself.

I have a feeling that you have received a lot of compliments from all sorts of people in life, moreso than others. And because your WH self esteem was so weak, this caused him to crumble. He may have seen that the attention you were attracting was a reflection of what and who he wasn't.

Keep working on yourself, keep digging for answers on both sides, for you. Your answers will come. You are doing the right thing by not dating. Besides, you are still married. Wait until the divorce is in your past and you've have had enough time to heal and reflect. You are still very young. I am excited for your future.

One more thing, I would let Snake go and don't tell your WH anything. You have no reason to protect your WH anymore, unless you just want to blow his world up for revenge. I say allow karma to take care of this because it will. Remember,your WH and snake are perfect for each other. They are both liars, cheaters and have a lack of concern for others. It's all about them and what they can take from others. Stay far away from the poison and start looking for more positive things in life. It's there!

I suggest that you dust your feet off and move on. Your WH is no longer worthy of your love. He has done enough damage to your soul and to others in the family. The pain trickles down. And if there were a possibility that he did want to work things out, he may not be able to handle the pain he caused you. Believe me when I say this, R is a very, very hard process and both sides have to be all in. Not to say it can't be done though. It's just a very painful journey.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 1:49 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 2/5/2019 13:57 PM

Ewe, if this is what it took for your WH to blossom into who he is meant to be, be extremely happy that he is no longer a part of your life because what you just said is that it took your WH to lie, cheat, talk to OW inappropriately, have scumbags for friends. Snake is scum, you know. Then maybe you should start to begin to see that there is something seriously wrong with your WH and that you are extremely lucky that this happened early in your marriage, instead of years later with more time invested.

I am sorry but I went back and re-read your post and these words jumped right out at me.

The best change that has happened for me through my journey is that I no longer allow others to mistreat me, including my WH. There will be a lesson for you also. Learn from it.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 2:00 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]

brokenbride8 posted 2/7/2019 12:47 PM

@ Hurtmyheart – You’re right…the more I actually think about things, he truly does NOT deserve my love. It’s heartbreaking. It’s crazy how someone can spend 12 years building, loving, climbing higher to completely destroying everything in a matter of a few months…literally - a few months...

(((VENT TIME))))

What I would say….
I started to jot down notes of “one liners” or things that I would say to my STBXWH if the opportunity ever presented itself. Admittedly, going through this exercise seeming opened the wound back up. But then it made me think that perhaps I’ve just been suppressing and blocking the pain. Honestly, I feel like I was “too trusting” with my STBXWH. Not saying I should’ve nagged or played helicopter, but because we had been together so long and I’ve never caught him in any wrongdoing, I trusted him with everything. I put him on too high of a pedestal when he is human like the rest of us. I had somehow convinced myself that my sweet, angel of a husband could really do no wrong. I am still shocked at not just the wrongdoing, but just how FAR he took everything. He definitely has some unresolved childhood issues, but I can’t understand how they could play into him destroying everything we’ve built.

So much history….
I will admit that I did do a lot of building up when it came to him. We started dating while I was away at a college (he was in trade school at the time). He put up such an effort in every way possible to hold on to me and build our relationship (i.e., frequently visits to my school which was a little over 2 hours away via bus since he didn’t have a car at the time, sending me gifts/packages to my dorm then apartment, etc. etc.). For this, I was totally smitten and dedicated to him, never cheating on him once while in college. He went from working at a local restaurant sweeping floors to getting a job as a lower level employee at his current company. I ended up getting a job in my career field that I got my degree in and I feel like we always motivated each other and grew with each other. He always told people that I motivated him to become a better man…and that he did, now being close to a Director or VP position in his company and making a bit more than me. Based on our history, I never in a billion years thought he would become successful and leave me for someone who is less than in every way (morality, respect, physical attractiveness, financially, career, etc.). The irony in this is my STBXWH always talked about “doing what’s right” at work, often venting about certain situations or his efforts to stand up for the underdogs or those discriminated against at work – even going to HR about some things! How is it that someone who is that committed to “doing what’s right” in the workplace, completely losses his moral compass and all sense of accountability when it comes to his wife and the people who love him most/have been by his side? How is it that he can wear the cape of a hero at work and be so treacherous behind the scenes in his own personal life? This in itself makes me want to expose the affair to his job SO BAD but I’m praying…I believe in God and He says vengeance is His…but man oh man do I sometimes just want to do it and ask for forgiveness later.


Valentine’s Day…
Getting through Valentine’s Day will be tough. I work in an office setting and everyone seems to get flowers and talk about what them and their significant other will be doing to celebrate. It’s gut-wrenching…being alone and not by choice. My mind keeps slipping in thoughts about how he may be showering her with flowers and gifts on…who knows, they may even actually go out in public . OR, maybe the affair is over….and he is sitting at home finally starting to think about the huge, life-changing mistake that he has made…who knows. I’ll never know…and I know I shouldn’t care.

Self-Care + Self-Love...
I have been focused more on self-love and self-care…going to the gym a little more regularly and investing more in my physical attractiveness (mainly a push/result of my new-found low self-esteem of course ). My friends and family constantly shower me with love and tell me how great I look…how big my heart is…etc. I even have one friend who described me to her sister as the one friend who is so kind, genuine and truly the least deserving of anything bad to ever happen to her. But somehow none of this feels like it matters...I still have moments where I just don’t FEEL like ENOUGH. My sister tells me I’ll always be enough for the right person…but I’m still coming to terms with the fact that man I dedicated my life to and loved wholeheartedly for the past 12 years NOT being the right person…

Next Steps & Getting through...
I’m about 85% done with my Financial Affidavit…but every time I look at it to finish, the pain hits me again. It’s overwhelming. I know I have to finish it…per my attorney, my STBXWH has not completely his yet which is surprising to me. It’s funny because I was the “manager” in the relationship, so I’m sure he cringed at how daunting the form was when he saw it and had to complete it by himself…or maybe the OW is helping him with it…or maybe he hasn’t turned it in yet because he is having second thoughts and it makes it real for him too...OR maybe he hasn’t turned it in because he doesn’t want me to see his financial records and how awful he has been and for just how long…he wanted this and moved so quickly, it shouldn’t be taking him weeks to complete…sorry to rant.

pureheartkit posted 2/9/2019 10:07 AM

Don't let VDay get you down. Buy yourself flowers and enjoy them. Find another person and go to lunch. Take your mom to lunch. Anything but sit home and think about what they are doing.

I'm a big romantic and last V Day felt tough but I filled up the house with flowers. Flowers in every room. I have over 150 rose bushes so I'm used to flowers in every room. We have roses all year here so on V Day I get different flowers. Lilies, carnations, stock, Lily of the valley, anything that has great perfume. Sister walked in and said wow I love it. We went to lunch and wore hats and went for a walk on the beach.

True to my sister's form, we sat on the sand and looked out into the ocean and said out loud what we were grateful for. She's a big force in my life for keeping gratitude front and center in my mind. Gratitude is a stress buster. The more you do it, the calmer you get. Maybe the most grateful people on Earth don't worry at all. I've met some people who sought God in their thoughts who seemed this way.

You can make any day a positive day. If you focus on I wish I had this, or I wish I had that, you miss the happiness that was there for you. If you miss flowers, go and get some flowers. Be grateful for the hard work of the hybridizer who gave years of his life to develop a great plant, all the workers who propagated and tended them, the people who packed them, the pilot who flew them, everyone who made it possible for you to enjoy those flowers. Those flowers aren't just flowers. They are people's lives and dedication. We live in a magnificent world full of wonders. It's a great time to be alive.

Hurtmyheart posted 2/9/2019 13:26 PM

Brokenbride8, I accidently posted something for you on a new thread under Hurtmyheart.

Sorry but it is good!

Hurtmyheart posted 2/9/2019 13:34 PM

Sorry about that but it is good.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 1:35 PM, February 9th (Saturday)]

RWeThereYet posted 2/9/2019 13:58 PM

BrokenBride8,

The one thing I want to emphasize to you is that NONE of this is YOUR FAULT. This is 100% on HIM, because it's all about HIM. Nothing you could have done would have prevented this-it's clear to me that his character is critically flawed. It's hard to see when you're hurting this much that it can be the best thing for you. If I hadn't divorced my first husband I would never have had my beautiful daughter. This WILL get better.

Hurtmyheart posted 2/9/2019 17:01 PM

Look up the song The Champion by Carrie Underwood.
This is you.

Post it somewhere that has meaning. Time to toughen up and not be so nice anymore.

Get yourself to the gym as often as possible. Do cardio, lift weights, go in the sauna, or whatever you choose to do at your gym. Go get a facial or massage. Go shopping and buy some clothes. Bring your sister. Buy a coffee along the way. Last but not least, stand tall and be proud of who you are. You are special

brokenbride8 posted 2/10/2019 19:30 PM

@pureheartkit - Love that you did that and your perspective on being grateful for all that goes into them! I also admire your strength and self love to get your own flowers. Sadly, I’m not there yet...I thought about getting a facial & a massage next weekend as a Valentine’s Day gift to myself. Then I thought of how lonely I’d feel taking myself out to dinner. Maybe I’ll try to go with a friend, but seeing lovers out and about are a sore reminder of what I’ve lost. Working through it...

@Hurtmyheart - it’s ok! Thanks for the reco. I thought about making a playlist to help motivate me and build up my pride again. Some days I’m just so blah then others I’m an Adele - Rolling in the deep. I’m working on the toughening up part. Got up early today to hit the gym which I felt good about. To be honest, my main drive is to get a better body out of “revenge” & bc he removed me from the gym membership with him. I do feel good and sleep better too when I work out, but if I’m honest that’s what got me to sign up for another gym (((sighs)))

@RWeThereYet - this may sound pathetic...but I still need to “hear” that every once and a while so I thank you..praying for better days.

—————————————
Today I was missing my old life. Don’t get me wrong, I feel incredibly grateful that I have my parents to stay with during this time, but I miss our house...the kitchen & knowing exactly where all of my materials are...our bed...watching our TV shows...the bubble baths in our tub...it sucks. Sometimes I don’t want to be here, but I fear that when I do move out (goal is this summer after divorce) I will be lonely and slip back into the darkness of my situation. I haven’t even reached the point where I’m fantasizing or day dreaming about my new place yet...I wish I could wake up and all of this was a nightmare. I also feel like my circle of ppl I can discuss this with is getting smaller...it’s like ppl are thinking I should be angry and over it to an extent based on what he has done, but I’m still 80% sad vs. angry. When I get angry, bitterness shows up and I get the urge to do vengeful things...

If anybody reading this is a believer, I could use some extra prayers...

FinanceGuy123 posted 2/10/2019 20:02 PM

Brokenbride, I just read your thread and have to say your handling this well! I, like you have went through this pretty much most of last year. With time it will get better I can promise you that! I’m getting towards the end of my divorce and can honestly say I couldn’t be happier and am glad I can rid myself of my ex succubus of a wife. Just the other day I put all the wedding stuff (album, video and all photos) in a bin and burned it in my backyard. It felt liberating and I didn’t have an ounce of feeling except a overwhelming sense of closure. My ex is trying to make my divorce nasty but with positivity, good company and keeping my head held high, I’ve managed to prevail! Why am I telling you all this? It’s becasue I can guarantee you will get to this point in due time. You will reflect and look back and notice all the red flags in your relationship over the last 10 years. No relationship is perfect and you will soon start to see that and be grateful you didn’t have kids and are young that you can meet another person who will open your eyes and make you see the world though new eyes. I know right now you can’t see this but you will!

The1stWife posted 2/10/2019 21:56 PM

Brokenbride

Please know it will get better. It just takes time. It’s slow. It’s agonizing. But if you try to “hurry up” the Healing you will get hit at some point in the future with all the feelings and emotions you avoided.

I speak of my friend who married a serial cheater who was the HS boyfriend. He had an OC (other child) while married to my friend. He had a GF and a fiancée all at the same time.

When my friend found out she also learned that the neighbors knew, all of the H’s work colleagues knew, all his friends knew and she was humiliated. Everyone knew but her and her family and friends.

She lost everything. Gone. Her “friends” of 20 years were gone. Her home. Her trust. Her confidence.

She rebounded. She eventually remarried a good guy and has children and a great life.

The CH married the fiancée. They had a baby. He cheated on her. He is most likely divorced for the court or fifth time. He’s not young anymore. Not that good looking stud he once was. But he will always be a cheater. That much remained the same.

You will get past this. I promise!!! We all do.

Hurtmyheart posted 2/11/2019 11:49 AM

Brokenbride, this is no joke. I went through 7 therapists to find the right one. They told me I was imagining things, I was Bipolar, everyone looks and flirts, get over it because it's in the past. Two therapists were doctors and were so messed up in the head that I was helping them solve their life and relationship issues.
The more I continued down this path of disappointment, the worse off I became. And at this point, my WH was still doing all the horrible things that I was trying to get away from!

We actually liked the 7th therapist because my WH respected and felt comfortable with him. I was able to call my WH out over and over again to get to the truth of all the lies and denial he was in.

A couple of the therapists suggested I get on an antidepressant but I didn't trust them enough to do it. I was scared. Other therapists told me I didn't need it. I was fine with that answer because I didn't want to admit that I needed to take antidepressants to feel better and to calm my mind. But with the most recent therapist, I did agree to antidepressants.

Sometimes PTSD is progressive. It can damage the brain if left untreated.

You may want to consider an antidepressant for a period of time, until you get past all of this trama your asshole WH inflicted upon you. I've been on it for almost a year now, maybe 8 months. It's a very low dose but it saved my sanity and possibly my life! No joke! The effects kicked in pretty quickly. In that time, I was in a very, very dark place and felt so defeated. But today is a new day and I am strong in myself! I say, bring it on and cross me and see what happens! I don't accept mistreatment anymore.

Please consider taking an antidepressant. Not sure where I would have ended up if I didn't do something...

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 5:06 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

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