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2 years married & headed for divorce

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Hurtmyheart posted 3/5/2019 13:23 PM

Brokenbride, "your" husband is still married. He is married to you until he is no longer married to you anymore. Imagine the foundation he is building with this OW-new relationship starts out as a lie, infidelity. OW knows he was taken, yet has chosen to be a part of destruction. He will never belong to her nor she to him. The foundation of their relationship is being built off infidelity, distrust and a huge lie! Your WH will get his karma by the choices he has made. You better believe it! There is no honor in being a WH or Mistriss. No real future there. Just saying.

I'm glad you prayed and got your answer. Hopefully, this will help you to move forward a little easier. Your WH has made some extremely poor choices in life without a care for anyone elses feelings but his. Pretty scary that this person can walk and turn his back on so many others, including his hurting wife.

Work on dusting your feet off and pick yourself up. Remember to get to know yourself and what you are about as an individual. You are now learning to be an individual who will have a great future ahead of herself but this does take work and introspection on your part. It will probably take a couple years of doing work on yourself.

I have to tell you that my daughter purchased a puppy that my husband and I help take care of. She brought her home at 7 weeks (the pup just turned 12 weeks) and has been the greatest asset and joy of mine and our lives. She helps pull me away from myself and the bad thoughts I still have. She is helping me to heal. It is an amazing transition.

We have to walk her, feed her, brush her, take her to puppy play time and training and do general care for her. Puppy play time is so much fun!

Pup keeps all of us busy and is also healing our hearts! We are healing!

Animal therapy does work and taking care of a pup is a family event and has brought all of us, including my son who lives elsewhere back together. We need to heal as a family just as you and your family needs to heal from this devastation your WH and his Mistress has caused in so many lives.

I hope this helps you. I know you are still on an emotional rollercoaster. It takes time for these emotions to calm down and as time moves forward, you will have a clearer picture of what your life is going to look like.

I am excited for you and your future. There is a future for you. May not be what you expected and anticipated, but have you even considered that God does have a plan for you and I'm sure it will be even better than what your plans were. Just need to believe he is running the show.

Hurtmyheart posted 3/5/2019 13:43 PM

What are your passions in life? What are you passionate about? What takes you out of yourself and way from the hurt you are experiencing?

I love horses and dogs, love to go to the gym and working out in various locations at the gym, love to go for long walks with my husband and jog. Walk the animals out. Love to go camping and adventure to other states and camp with our travel trailer. Hang out with my daughter and go to the mall or other shopping experiences. Enjoy visiting with my son and his girlfriend, love to encourage my family and others in and around my life. Am learning to love and trust and enjoy my husband again. This last part is taking a long time but shockingly am learning to manage the past hurts he caused me.

Think about it, what are your passions? Think back to your childhood and the memories that made your heart happy.

Doing these exercises is a good way to get to know yourself again. Also, I'm sure there are new passions out there waiting for you to discover.

Your soul will heal.

Let us know what you have come up with.

brokenbride8 posted 3/5/2019 16:01 PM

@steadychevy – I didn’t realize I was on hopium until I saw the picture very sobering…. This has undoubtedly been an attack on my emotional health! I hate that I feel so crazy sometimes. I feel like I keep blocking out the anger because it makes me feel really, really vengeful. I’m usually about 90% grief-stricken and 10% angry. Thank you for being there…

@Hurtmyheart – Thank you so much for this. It’s helpful to being reminded that their relationship started on lies and my pain. I just wish it would all fall apart now so I can see it… I literally say to myself sometimes WHO did I marry? Never in all of our years of togetherness did I see him having the propensity to be so selfish, heartless and immature. Even looking back and reminiscing, I still can’t find any connections. He was either a wolf in sheep’s clothing or is actually, literally a different person now. It boils my blood that he has convinced himself that he is “doing the right thing” based on his feelings. He, like the mistress have no moral compass. My parents got a puppy recently which has helped distract me a little. I am looking forward to getting my own dog when I am finally able to move into my own place (hopefully in the summer). Also as sad as it sounds, I feel like I have to rediscover what my passions are now at this stage of life. I was so focused on building it with him (so that meant pregnancy, planning a shower, getting a new house, etc.). He was my best friend, so I planned to just experience life and enjoy it with him. My mission will be self-discovery this year.


Tuesday’s Entry:

-THE SNAKE IS BACK!!! THIS time, he text me yesterday night around 11pm “I hope you’re doing well” – no response. Then he sent me a friend request on FB! How BOLD!!! My original reason for not blocking him was hopium if I’m honest…but now it’s just for evidence so I can screen shot should the opportunity present itself that I need such evidence… I must say, him adding me on social media makes me feel like it’s only because he knows my STBXWH is so lost in the sauce with the OW, he is long gone, in-turn making him feel like “oh well”, he won’t notice anyway. That thought kills me.

-I still struggle with commenting on the picture I saw…I’d say something like “Oh look! You’re finally out in the open with the women you’ve been cheating on me with. Now that you’ve ruined our marriage, can you take a break and turn in your divorce paperwork so I can move on with MY life…you know, the right way? Tell (insert OW name) I saw hey and glad she’s enjoying her Tiffany’s bracelet” *sighs* I’m not going to though…although I really, really want to. Seeing him smile with his hand around her shoulder/arm makes it so much more “real” (as stupid as that sounds because this is CLEARLY real)

-I keep having random thoughts of past memories. They hijack my brain. I’ll be sitting at my computer and all of a sudden, a memories will pop in my head from when we were walking down the streets of Paris holding hands, or me laying on his shoulder at the movies or him kissing me on my forehead before leaving for work while I’m still in bed. It’s like I can literally teleport to those times because the memory is so vivid. I hate this. They are not always brought about via a trigger so it’s very hard to control. This man was my life…I guess that’s part of my problem.

AbandonedGuy posted 3/5/2019 16:42 PM

Distractions, distractions, distractions. Keep yourself busy. Exercise daily. Pick up a hobby to fill in the time you're not with loved ones. This is the only way to take your brain away from this painful crap for long enough to heal. Then after you're in a good place, then you can go back and ruminate on all this stuff and deal with the much easier melancholy.

Since R doesn't appear to be in your cards, nor should it IMO given your situation and how he's acting, I feel comfortable continuing to give the best advice: that anger you've got, use it! Latch onto it. Dig deep. Dredge up all the worst memories of him, before DDay and after. Remind yourself that this is who he really is, and let yourself let go of those attachments. If your relationship was bad enough--mine was, but mileage varies--you'll realize that it was more bad than good, at least fundamentally, and you'll get over the massive loss of your planned future. If that occurs, you might begin to start drifting from what you used to think you'd be missing out on given the circumstances and toward an exciting new future that doesn't involve assholes who disrespect you so brazenly and callously.

The1stWife posted 3/5/2019 16:54 PM

Don’t believe everything you see on FakeBook.

He may be trying to re-create what he had with you - a real relationship. One day when he wakes up and realizes what he has isn’t real - the walls will come tumbling down. It will be his unlucky day.

And it will come. He will start being unhappy with his new OW and will do the same thing to her he did to you. Just up and leave.

FakeBook is his attempt to believing his own lies. It’s for show.

steadychevy posted 3/5/2019 17:51 PM

brokenbride, the ups and downs or roller coaster, as we call it, are actually one of the symptoms used to determine if someone is suffering from PTSD. The random thoughts that bombard, triggers out of nowhere, triggers associated with certain events (smells, sounds, places, activities, etc.), chasing thoughts like a dog chasing it's tail are also used to screen. It is common for the betrayed to have PTSD. I couldn't have got out of it without IC with a counsellor trained in PTSD and treatment.

Perhaps Snake has good intentions but he actually seems like a slime ball to me hoping to catch you vulnerable. Creep. Just my thought.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 3/5/2019 22:00 PM

Snake is nothing but bad news. I would block him from everything. He’s the only authentic thing in your WH life. Him being friends with that type of person is a window into who your WH is.

Hurtmyheart posted 3/6/2019 18:51 PM

Brokenbride, I am 57 years old and I feel like I have a new outlook on life. If I didn't go through all the suffering, just as you are now, I wouldn't be who I am today and today I like myself and who I am.

You are only 31 years old. You may not believe it in this moment but you have a wonderful life waiting for you. Work on taking care of "you" today. Go to the gym, go clothes shopping and force yourself to buy something, take the pup for walks or to the dog park, watching a good movie, spending time with family. They are hurting too. Just keep moving forward and work on doing something for yourself each day.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 6:53 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

brokenbride8 posted 3/7/2019 13:21 PM

Went a whole 24hours without pain shopping (aka looking up stuff on social media)!!! I never thought the day would come.

Went to the gym and made dinner. It’s hard cooking for 1, so I made food for my dad too. It felt good to kinda “give back” for him listening to me and helping pep talk me through this every other day.

I felt like I was on the verge of acceptance.... until today. Got a text from my attorney saying that my STBXWH attorney is drafting up the “divorce agreement”. My attorney will call me early next week to debrief me on my case thus far.

I can’t believe this is all happening to me. I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with my husband...and start a family...and see the world...and live happily ever after.

I’m devastated. It’s been almost 4 months since d-day and there’s a tiny part of me that’s scared it feels like I’ll never recover from this. It cuts deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life.

I hope he misses my cooking and watching our weekly TV shows together. I hope he feels bad when people ask about me at his job and he has to lie. I hope the OW breaks him down and breaks his heart to the magnitude in which he’s done to me.

I wish I could see what God has in-store for my life that would show me that what’s happening HAD to in order to get to what He has that’s better. I know that’s where faith comes in, but I’m desperate to ease this pain. When it hits, its all consuming.

Have mercy!!!

Freeme posted 3/7/2019 13:44 PM

I hope he misses my cooking and watching our weekly TV shows together. I hope he feels bad when people ask about me at his job and he has to lie. I hope the OW breaks him down and breaks his heart to the magnitude in which he’s done to me.
I strongly believe that OW is going to end up driving the Karma Bus over your WH. She has two kids with her baby Daddy and you've said he is good looking... that's lots of contact between her and him...also that's two kids that arn't his that he has to share OW with, make compromises with, work around holidays with...
From everything you've written you will do fine. Your faithful, have a good head on your shoulders, both family's seem to like you... I know you can do a lot better than your WH.

MrRadical posted 3/7/2019 14:48 PM

This. Many men of the Western world are crying out for decent, dignified women like yourself. When you start to date again make this a key point about yourself - its a big plus!

Hurtmyheart posted 3/7/2019 15:20 PM

I remember when each time something happened, it set me into panic mode for a few days, then things would settle down again. And I would tell myself that I got this. I was beginning to enjoy my strength I was gaining through my dark period.

You have a lot of hurdles to overcome Brokenbride before life settles down again for you. And it will happen, just takes time.

As time went on and at the time my WH and I were divorcing, I began to see light and to see what my life was going to be as a single parent and an individual. I was learning to really like the person that I was becoming. Never thought that we would come back together again but we did.

God does have a plan for you...listen, it's there. Believe that things will turn out and you will be fine.

I am glad you took the time to cook for your dad. He too is hurting for you. Sounds like you have a very supportive parent. Cherish it.

One of your answers out of yourself and your pain could be helping others. It's another way out of and away from your hurt you are feeling. I reached out a lot when going through this experience. Without the help and aid of other people, I don't know where I would be today.

About Snake. How come you don't forward the text messages from Snake to his wife and let her know what is going on with him wanting to reach out to you? I think letting his wife know could send him a very strong message that you aren't going to put up with his behavior or anyone else's for that matter.

brokenbride8 posted 3/10/2019 17:40 PM

I saw him at the gas station today...

I was leaving the gym and driving my usual route. I had been wondering if I would ever run into him or see him again (outside of court) because we lived so close to my parents house and it happened today. Except it was like I was inside a trick mirror. I could see him but he couldn’t see me. His head was down in his phone while the gas was pumping...I looked a mess obviously coming from the gym, but I so badly wanted to pull in and pretend I was getting gas too...for him to see me in hopes of something...anything...I don’t know. Instead I kept driving toward my new, temporary home (aka my parents house) and the grief followed me all the way there.

It sometimes feels like I have a little hopium running in my veins and I have absolutely no clue why. It’s almost been 3 months NC and not a single “sign” that I should have any. What’s wrong with me? How is it that someone can seemingly love you so deeply and more than life itself then just move on like you were never in their life to begin with? I know it’s not meant for me to understand, but I can’t shake the desire to understand.

I’ve been trying to explore more and take on some new distractions. I’m going to try getting my chakras cleansed through Reiki. I feel like I’m willing to try anything at this point to help me feel better. Sometimes my heart literally hurts.

I’m growing hyper conscious of what I look like these days in a negative way. I feel like all of my flaws are right in my face. As dumb as this sounds, I fear that the next time my STBXWH sees me, even if I look “amazing”, he will look at me and feel absolutely nothing, and see all my flaws. I fear the time apart will have him look at me and say to himself “wow she doesn’t look as good as I once thought” and feel more confident in his decision to leave me.

Why can’t I just let go and move on...

Krieger posted 3/10/2019 18:57 PM

The Snake thinks you are vulnerable and is trying to befriend you in an effort to take advantage of the situation. I would not accept any social media requests from anyone or even post. You can observe if you are trying to gain information, but I really don't see an advantage to it at this time.

steadychevy posted 3/11/2019 05:55 AM

brokenbride, most of us have that addiction of hopium for some time. We invested a lot into the relationship and can't understand why it wasn't valuable to our WS like it was to us. It can last quite a while. I still have occasional cravings. I see my WW at our girls and grandchildren's events and because of our partnership.

As I said previously, you are still early in this marathon. The less you see him the easier it will get.

You are questioning your qualities because you're probably thinking that you weren't enough. That's my uneducated guess. You were and are enough. More than enough. You are the prize. The problem is his inadequacies. He's the one that has holes in his bucket, doesn't measure up.

I agree with Krieger. It might not have been clear on my last post. I believe Snake is a predator and thinking you will be weak and vulnerable prey. I believe you think the same hence naming him Snake.

Keep doing things for yourself. Treat yourself. Keep going to the gym. Get a pedicure. Be your own best friend. Stay with us here.

BeingheldbyJesus posted 3/12/2019 14:08 PM

BB, I just finished reading this whole thread. I am so sorry you are going through this. It really sucks! I think you are handling it all remarkably well! I've been handling it for three years now. My WH stayed. Many times I believe it would have been easier if he had just left when I told him to get out. He acts now as if he is doing some great thing by staying.... I got the cheater. She got to keep her faithful husband....

When we have sex, I picture them. It's hell on earth. The bond I thought we had is forever broken. Sex is a nightmare for me now. I feel used. He used me then when he was cheating on me and he uses me now. He is a selfish person and will always be that way for me.

What I really wanted to tell you about is the karma part. I'm a Christian so I don't really believe in karma. I believe in you reap what you sow and I believe in salvation. I prayed for my WH to be saved. He had become such a terrible person filled with so much ego that I could not stand to be around him. But I loved him because I knew who he had been. I tried everything I could to wake him up, but he just grew resentful. And then she came around with just the right words. I think she was jealous of what we had and she wanted it. She even told me that he needed to work at her location more. I thought she was harmless. She was married with 3 very young children- toddlers. What kind of woman leaves her children behind???? But I didn't realize she was telling everyone she only had them because her husband wanted them..... She loved to travel and having an A with my WH was a way to get paid while on vacation. She also talked him into buying her jewelry- the first from Tiffany's.... Many things came into play that helped me to see what was going on. I put my foot down and made him choose between us. He then claims that he told God he wanted Him to do in him what He had done in me. And this next part can only be of God..... He was reading his Bible outside. I was in our bedroom reading mine. He felt led to read a psalm and then write it down. He then felt led to bring it to me. I had just turned the pages BACKWARDS and had begun reading a psalm. He laid his handwritten psalm on my Bible and told me he had written it in his best handwriting. Without a word, I turned my Bible and pointed to where I was reading.... It was the same psalm he had written. It was not some popular psalm either. Psalm 130. It had repentance and forgiveness in it.... ONLY GOD could have done that. To me, God was saying that He was there in it with us. So, if my WH was truly repentant and really working on our M, God had forgiven him.... Yet that time was still hard. My WH continued his TT. It was devastating to me. I think it truly ruined us. At the time, I still didn't know it had been physical and only found out by finding emails 4 months after he fired her. He began doing most of what he needed to do to save the marriage. He found a marriage counselor and booked all of the appointments and he has gone to him as IC as well. There are things he didn't really do that have caused me more pain and have kept us from healing. He thought he could control but he is actually keeping himself from having what he claims he wants. STUPID! 9 months after firing her, he found out that a long term employee had embezzled a lot of money from him. Then he had a health scare a few months later. I had to go with him to all of his appointments. His schmoopie soul mate was no where. She just disappeared when caught.... Through these years, he has been betrayed by several people. He has had his share of reaping what he has sown. Yet he is still trying to better himself. Unfortunately, the reaping what he has sown has affected me and our family as well. It has been a rough 3 1/2 years now. It seems like he is under attack to cave and go back to his old ways but he has resolved that he is not going to be his old self and resort to his old ways. He is not perfect but he is visibly trying and visibly handling it all differently and better. So, even if your WH would be forgiven and saved, he would not escape consequences of his actions. Just remember King David's consequences for committing adultery- his young son lost his life..... And King David was very special to God. God is a just God.

I will turn 50 next month and I wonder if there would ever be anything better out there for me. The M will never be what I wanted. He threw away the specialness of it. He will never be able to make that up to me. While he is a better H than he probably ever was, I still see the stains of her.

BTW, I think you should tell Snake's wife what he said to you. Wouldn't you want to know?

brokenbride8 posted 3/15/2019 17:18 PM

@Krieger - Haven’t accepted the request. No communication attempts from the snake since then...but something makes me feel like he isn’t done yet...

@steadychevy - I definitely get sucked into the dark hole of not feeling like enough. I hate it. I’ve always had a strong sense of self-worth until this happened and it’s like everything I thought about myself fell apart. Although I’m extremely hurt, I just don’t see how in the world the snake can even think he has a chance or can take advantage of my vulnerabilities...it just doesn’t make sense but I guess he doesn’t know me well enough to know I would never in a billion years sleep with or entertain a married man...who is also my STBXWH’s “best friend”. Treating myself more and more :)

@BeingHeldbyJesus - love your name!!! Thank you for reading through my crazy messed up story. I can understand where you are coming from. When I’m on hopium, I fantasize about reconciliation and what that might look like...if I could ever have sex with him and get back to how I felt, etc. In the beginning days even up u til recently I prayed for my STBXWH to be saved and for God to come into his heart and our marriage to help heal it. The more and more I process this and reading others stories, I’m starting to see the blessing in it - being able to walk away with no real, permanent ties to him. The COW in my case has young kids (maybe 6/7) and I too thought the same thing - what type of mother meets a married man at a hotel room to suck him off???

I too believe in you reap what you sow, but also struggled with wanting a sign from God so bad that he was in this situation as well. I told myself to stop equating that sign to fixing my husband and our marriage as that may not be what He wants.

As for the snake, I keep going back and forth on what to do and what not to do with him and the info. I feel best when I just ignore him. His persistence makes me a little leery about telling his wife bc I don’t want him to try to retaliate or do something to “get back” at me. So far he has been quiet now...

**** Update: ****

Had a good few days in regard to feeling stable and happy/content even!

- Still keeping up with the gym and already seeing some results. If I can stay strong, I’ll have a banging body by the summer.

- Had a call with my attorney yesterday...to my surprise my STBXWH has not done ANYTHING!! No paperwork, no records, etc. I don’t get it...even my attorney commented on how bizarre and drawn out this has been as he has called his attorney several times (and even spoke with him) in addition to sending faxes to hopefully light a fire. They’ve been avoiding him and not following through on things they said...my STBXWH is using a reputable company, so either 1 - he hasn’t paid them more money so they are dragging or 2 - his attorney is dragging it out bc he is dragging it out bc he is having second thoughts...who knows. I just don’t know why he won’t get on with it since he wanted this so bad to be free and with the OW...

- Thinking of staying with my parents through the end of the year to save more money and pay down debt...it’s not like I will be ready to date anyway, so I won’t have to deal with feeling embarrassed that I live with my parents...there’s still a big part of me that wants my own space though...not sure what I will do. First step is to get through this tragedy I guess :(

- I’m going to get my chakras cleansed through Reiki. I’m desperate to try anything that may help me get through the suffering and focus on myself.

- Treated myself to a facial for the first time in a few years. Felt good to do that :)

- Still thinking of and planning out what the back-half of my year will look like once I’m officially single again. I’m doing ok now, but feel terrified for the pain to creep up again once this becomes more real and “final”.

pureheartkit posted 3/17/2019 00:09 AM

No shame in being with your wonderful family. Why not build your savings? I think it's a great idea. Do not feel less than in the slightest. I think it will help keep the sad thoughts away to be a help to them and feel their love. Love is never never wasted. The more we give, the more we grow in spirit.

The1stWife posted 3/17/2019 07:11 AM

Be proud of the positive steps you have taken so far.

brokenbride8 posted 3/19/2019 21:41 PM

@pureheartkit - I knew going back and forth...I need the presence of other ppl right now, but also miss the freedom and sense of having “my own”. I’m afraid I will become too dependent the longer I stay and get “stuck”. In the meantime I’m saving, but I don’t know...there’s a part of me that feels like I’m not emotionally stable enough to live on my own just yet..

@The1stWife - I am (some days of course). My therapist even commented on how far I’ve come since Nov...the yearning to hear from him is getting less and less very slowly but surely.

——-
Not going to therapy as frequently anymore. Trying to fill my head and time with other things like hanging with friends, work, planning my first solo trip, self improvement, new goals and things I want to try. Some days I feel optimistic and excited even about some of these things...but then somehow get knocked back to the reality of what has happened/is happening to me.

There’s a part of me that feels like true healing can’t begin until I’m officially divorced and I can change my last name back and start over. I just don’t understand why he is dragging out this process when he filed and wanted to move so quickly.

The “snake” saw I was on FB and sent another wave and then a message saying he hopes I am doing fine and when did he become the enemy. Then says “I miss my friend” He is nuts! He misses talking to me about my husband’s indiscretions behind my back??? Also friend is a strong word considering that my husband was always the topic of conversation and I only talked to him from mid-Nov (after D-Day) to end of Dec...certainly not enough time to build whatever it is he has in his head... on another note, somehow him reaching out makes me sad. I feel like for him to feel comfortable enough still trying to get ahold of me, that must mean my STBXWH never plans on speaking to me again or else I would assume he would be nervous to be exposed...it hurts.

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