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2 years married & headed for divorce

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pureheartkit posted 3/19/2019 22:18 PM

No you won't get stuck. You will go out and you will have interests. You will set goals and look at places you might want to live. You will travel. You will make more friends. You will not get stuck and if you feel like you are getting stuck, you will get unstuck and try something new. Maybe you get more education. Maybe you'll go and see the world with a new job and your life changes. You have all your options open to you right now.

FinanceGuy123 posted 3/19/2019 22:20 PM

Brokenbride, my situation is very similar to yours with the exception that I’m almost a full year out from Dday. I can confidently tell you this, IT WILL GET BETTER WITH TIME! I’m in the final stages of my divorce where by ex-wife is being nothing but nasty. It used to get to me but doesn’t anymore. You will look back on this one day and be thankful it happened while you were young and that you didn’t have any kids (I’m 30 and no kids either)!

Some things you can do to help, get to the gym! Keep up a daily routine, a new routine for YOU!

No more pain shopping, block your jerkoff ahole STBXH (trust me it will help immensely).

Whenever he reaches out, just ignore and delete his texts/calls.

Finally, focus on YOU. You need to learn how to love yourself again and when you do, you will be surprised as to how your outlook on life will change for the better! Also, you will meet someone when your least expecting it. Someone who deserves you for you and will treat you the way you should be treated. Just keep pushing forward and when you get to that good place again, you will look back at all of this as a distant, faint memory!

Bigger posted 3/20/2019 09:24 AM

Broken

See my tagline?
Part of the reason you are unhappy is because you have – consciously or subconsciously – decided to remain unhappy. Here are a couple of simple tricks to help deal with that.

Go change your name. You don’t need to divorce to do that. Go down to the relevant office and change your name. Heck… I think you can choose any name you want. Change it from Mrs. Broken Smith to Ms. Too Hotforu for that matter. Don’t hang on to the “have to wait for the divorce to be final” because that’s simply a decision to remain unhappy.

I went through comparable misery. I forced change. For example: if I was feeling sad and blue and wondering how she could have cheated on me I consciously thought “Thank God I escaped before we had even more committed. At least I can build my future on more solid ground” and would even force myself into action to stop the negative thoughts. I guess I waxed my vehicle and cleaned the garage 5-6 times per month… simply to stop being in misery.

MamaDragon posted 3/20/2019 14:28 PM

Snake friend is testing the waters - for one of two reasons - he wants to see if you would be interested in a sexual manner or he is testing the waters to see if you have a new man in your life for your ex. No matter what the reason, I'm glad you are refusing to talk to him.

The only thing I would suggest is to shut him down cold. Tell him you are not his friend, you don't want to be his friend and as someone who associates with your ex, it is better for you to avoid that potential hazard. I would also let him know that if he is contacting you to ferret information out for your EX that he needs to go back to him and give him the message that "EX needs to have the balls to contact you but since he is ball-less, that won't happen."

Or continue as you are doing which is awesome cause guys like that hate being ignored.

brokenbride8 posted 4/1/2019 22:40 PM

Checking in here since the guts of my story is in this thread…hope it’s okay.

Still have not heard from my STBXWH. Is it bad that there is a part of me that secretly hopes he is sitting over there in agony over what he has done and is deathly embarrassed, depressed and regretful? I try not to think negative wishful thoughts like that, but he truly deserves every ounce of pain, karma, etc. for what he has done. I hope he cries at night. The worst thing is there’s a little part of me that feels like he can’t even begin to understand or comprehend the pain and destruction he has caused…

I can’t believe I loved a man with every fiber of my being that was capable of doing something like this. I’m starting to think I projected. We grew up so differently. Although my parents have had their share of bullshit (honestly, they probably should be divorced lol), but they stuck by each other. My family is small, but tight-knit and very loving. We have our share of family dysfunction, but at the end of the day, we love each other and always support each other. My STBXWH was never really close to his mom, grew up without his dad and is an only child. He adores his grandmother, but she is the type of woman who thinks her baby can do no wrong. He comes from a line of men whose opinion on all of this is to “let him do what he wants. He’s grown – I don’t want to get involved” when his mom asked for one of his male family members to talk some sense into him. Basically, he has been more a part of my family over the years than his own. I may have mentioned it before, but on his birthday last year, his family didn’t even get him a card. We stopped by my parents’ house and my mom had gotten him a cake, niece/nephew gave him handmade uncle cards and my sister had a bottle of champagne. He was slightly overwhelmed and got a little teary-eyed (especially considering his own family didn’t think to even get him a card). My family loved him. I loved him. How could he throw all of that away?

I think part of the problem is because we have been together so long and at such a young age, he really had nothing to compare our relationship to thus he began to take things for granted – especially since we have never broken up. I’m not perfect, but I was a conscious wife. I maintained my physical appearance and loved to dress up/cute when we went out. I’m pretty successful for my age and have a strong moral compass. I’m kind, supportive and always tried to find new, fun things for us to do or restaurants to try to keep things interesting. I always tried to get the perfect gift(s) for holidays and birthdays. Even working full-time I meal-planned for us and the only time I ever called/texted to get an ETA from him when leaving work was to try to timing my cooking so the food was hot when he came home (usually after me). We never had money problems, rarely argued and had never gone 24 hours without talking to each other even if mad. I thought he was my best friend. He told me and proclaimed to the world I was his, until the OW came around.

Our wedding day was perfect – from everything running smoothly to the weather to how the light shined in through the windows of the church. I thanked God for him and our relationship as it truly felt like He Himself had his hand in our union. The ONLY thing I can think of (in retrospect), is it’s almost like things were just “too perfect” or he never truly found himself… Even if I take off the rose-colored glasses, there was nothing and I mean NOTHING bad enough that would make sense to lead us down this road. Even after all that has been done, my mother is still baffled by it all. Oddly enough my sister still doesn’t think he is a bad person, but that he has made some very bad choices. I can’t reconcile that. In my mind, if you are able to treat the one person who loved you more than some of your own relatives that way, you HAVE to be a bad person.

Sorry to rant…just one of those days.

In other news, the Snake may (just may) be officially gone…a couple of days ago he sent me another FB message “name? I need to talk to you…”. Of course, I did not respond, then he calls me later than evening (no answer). He hops BACK on FB and sends a messaging saying he is “truly unsure” of what happened, he will delete my number and wishes me the best. Fast forward 1 hour, he apologies “if he did anything to me” and literally follows that up with a message saying he feels guilty for saying it, but expressed how I’m just so beautiful and he wishes me the best “friend”. VOMIT. He clearly didn’t “need” to talk to me…except to fill his own sick void. Misery loves company. I also realized how little this “friend” values my STBXWH. For him to have “broken man code” in every way, he clearly doesn’t have his best interest at heart. And to think…this is the person whom my STBXWH thinks is comparable to an older brother…his best friend. SMH.

Buster123 posted 4/2/2019 00:24 AM

I’m pretty successful for my age and have a strong moral compass. I’m kind, supportive and always tried to find new, fun things for us to do or restaurants to try to keep things interesting. I always tried to get the perfect gift(s) for holidays and birthdays. Even working full-time I meal-planned for us and the only time I ever called/texted to get an ETA from him when leaving work was to try to timing my cooking so the food was hot when he came home (usually after me).

Once you achieve total indifference for your WH, you will have plenty of options to choose from, take your time and choose wisely, have some fun and look at the bright future ahead.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 4/3/2019 08:31 AM

It wouldn’t surprise me if the snake talked shit to your husband about you behind your back your entire relationship out of jealousy and thinking he would get into your pants. I would bet his version of events while speaking to your husband and you are completely different. I believe the snake encouraged the affair all the while telling your husband you were probably cheating on him.

MamaDragon posted 4/4/2019 09:46 AM

^^This!!!!

you really did give him the perfect nickname.

The1stWife posted 4/4/2019 12:29 PM

BB- Your CH may not realize what he has thrown away right now. But one day he will.

The birthday celebration your family had for him while his family did nothing is just additional evidence that he didn’t understand the term “family” or how it works.

He does understand selfishness and how to be a jerk lol

But one day he will wake up. How do I know?? I mention from time to time on SI my friend that married a serial cheater. There were multiple women at one time, a fiancée and OC that was 3 or 4. They were HS sweethearts.

Years after they divorced (no kids thankfully) she got a call from the fiancée of her XH who was now his wife. Guess what? They had a baby and he’s cheating on her. Shocking!!!!

In any event she is asking my friend for advice and my friend says please don’t call me again. And the wife spills the beans that the XH never got “ over” her and still called the current wife by my friend’s name ( his first wife)

Of course the CH would never admit this. But this reminds me of your H. He may be unhappy but he won’t ever admit he made a mistake.

Move on. Get happy. Be joyful. This is a slow healing process. But you will get there. We all do.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:31 PM, April 4th (Thursday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 4/4/2019 15:15 PM

Hi Brokenbride8, I'm glad you are still posting on here. I hope you are beginning to feel better.

When you described your WH situation, it reminded me of the young man my daughter is dating. They are both 21. His family is just like your WH family. They have hardly done anything for him. No birthday cards or gifts, pretty much just a Happy Birthday son and then to fighting because they don't want their son to date my daughter. And she is awesome! Hmmm, figure that one out.

Funny part about all of this is that we are now a much stronger family unit then his family will ever be. In fact, if it wasn't for us, he would still be living at home, no license, no job, no future. But because of us, her boyfriend is thriving and living on the other side of the U.S.

I am sure that his family is hating on us right now because he flew all the way out here to camp with us and be with my daughter for a week and we are having a great time!

If it weren't for us, he would have had nothing, just like your situation with your WH.

I say to heal and find someone together as you are when the time is right.

pureheartkit posted 4/5/2019 11:03 AM

I bet he's too ashamed to think of what he did to you. When the crazy sex high wears off and he's in reality again, he's going to see you clearly. Now if he doesn't, he wasn't the person you needed to be your partner. You need someone who will value you for your amazing qualities. Some people are just narrowsighted and are only about the body. That's a step on the journey near the animal world. Fighting, eating, sex, the primal parts of being in a body. I see people getting stuck in any of these all the time.

But you are a balanced person. I'm sorry he's not going with you on your journey. Your journey is going to be incredible. Very shortsighted of him to stop at the lower part of the hill just above the animals on the plain. The view from the top is more satisfying. Find a friend on the path and enjoy the view. It's a wider view, you see more, farther and you understand more. Plus there's the whole journey to enjoy. Look up and keep your eyes on the destination. I'm happy for you that you are going there. You will not regret it.

brokenbride8 posted 4/10/2019 14:37 PM

Checking in…

@Buster123 – I’m still waiting on indifference. Some days it feels like I may have reached that point, but then all it takes it a trigger of some sort and it brings me right back.

@Thanksgiving2016 – You’re probably right... I feel like he may have been lusting for me longer than I think and his original intention when reaching out to me from the beginning was not as pure as he made it seems. Don’t know how a month of talking and crying about my husband could make him all of a sudden feel connected to me. Then again, misery loves company.

@The1stWife – It’s so crazy to me that he hasn’t already realized that (assuming based on remaining NC). Even if he did, I agree that he likely will never humble himself enough to admit it. What’s even crazier is when I think back through our relationship, “selfish” wasn’t a word that came to mind. It amazes me how in the blind of an eye he can become the most selfish person I’ve ever met in my life. What a slow, slow process.

@Hurtmyheart – I am, thank you! Slowly (very slowly that is), but surely. The situation you described is definitely similar! Even his mom said how much I impacted his life and inspired him to be the man he is today. It’s like I built him up and he left with his new-found ego to play captain save a hoe to someone else – leaving me in the dust.

@pureheartkit – I sometimes wonder if he has any remorse or shame at all, or if he just feel free to fall in love with the OW (or other women for that matter) and journey on to sow his oats. Thank you for that note – I am going to try to remember that if the day never comes that he seems me for the amazing person I was to him, that he just wasn’t the one vs. not being good enough.

--------
Had the first court date – basically all that came out of it was us needing to exchange financials within the next 28 days. I found out that he turned in his paperwork and it sounds like his firm was just busy and perhaps has too many clients. Not sure if he turned them in just before court or if they’ve had them for a while and just been sitting – of course if it’s the latter, my heart breaks a little more…. Funny how hearing that made me realize that I was subconsciously thinking his resistance to turning in paperwork was more reflective of him having hesitation about all of this vs. trying to be a jerk and control the process or money issues with paying his attorney. I’m sure he probably turned them in as well then had a field day spending money on the OW (and likely her kids). Probably working on buying them Easter baskets…It makes me sick to think about.
*SIGHS* I don’t know why I do that to myself. Need to just let it go.

No major updates on the Snake. He did send another FB message then removed it because I got a notification that said “Snake removed a message”. Something tells me he was just trying to get my attention *eye roll*

I really hate this. ALL of it. What he did. What he didn’t do. The mind movies and filling in the blanks. The rollercoaster & feeling optimistic with a dash of self-esteem one day then worthless and asking why this had to happen to me the next. I try to focus on me – then he always creeps back in. I don’t even know why he hasn’t deleted pictures of me or even untagged me on FB and he is definitely active on there…it makes me feel like he is keeping up appearances but for whom is the question. It doesn’t matter I know.

I still struggle with feeling robbed of my preferred childbearing timeframe and there are still some places/people that don’t know of my situation. I cringe when certain topics come up in fear that people will bring up my STBXWH (everyone – coworkers, acquaintances, etc. see us as a unit since we’ve been together so long). I ran into an old friend the other day and he invited “us” out for drinks with some other people to catch up. I didn’t have it in me to come clean that we are no longer together and simply told him “oh okay well we will see. Thanks for the invite!”. I almost feel like I need to make a public announcement to everyone so I don’t have to keep walking on eggshells in my day to day or random conversations. I guess that’s the downfall for putting your love on a pedestal for the world to see for so long…but I was convinced he was my soulmate and this was a forever thing.

AbandonedGuy posted 4/10/2019 17:16 PM

You're almost there, bb8. Once you clip the strings, you've got no excuse not to heal yourself, and you'll do it. This shit sucks, but you're going to come out ahead. You'll be glad he stayed fucked off once you've rebuilt a new better life without him. I didn't realize it at the time, and it still stings to type out, but my ex saying "I think this is the end of us" was the greatest song she ever sang. Keep being strong.

MamaDragon posted 4/11/2019 10:05 AM

Make the public announcement. That way it gets the awkward "oh no what happened" out of the way. Put it on social media and lay the blame where it belongs, right at you STBXH's feet.

Say something like this

"To avoid awkward situations I'm posting this so I don't have to delve into details when I see folks out in real life - Asshole and I are divorcing. This was not my choice, he decided he would rather be with his mistress and her family than to create one with me. I do not feel like answering questions, bashing the ex or going into details - your support and love is greatly appreciated."

Turn off comments and BOOM, you no longer have to worry about the awkward invites. You need a good support group and that way you can find out who the dogs are (aka Snakes) and who are your true friends.

(hugs)

pureheartkit posted 4/11/2019 10:35 AM

Agreed, I think you will get people flocking to your side if you expose him. Maybe snake will stop testing you once he sees you aren't so easily swayed and you're not shy to tell it like it is. Don't feel bad of your situation. The only one who should feel bad is the two adulterers. You be you. Dont worry about a timeframe. Your beautiful child will come at the right time. You'll be stronger then. Letting people know you are going to be single soon is a good thing. I think you will find compassion and a burden will be lifted.

I lost a job I loved. For a time I didn't let on to anyone. They assumed I was happy and still working there. I could pretend I had my same life. It's no good. It creates stress inside when you know you are not completely authentic. Life isn't perfect. Life can be painful. The people who have been around awhile know this. It's fine to be who you are at the moment. The past is the past. To find something better requires you to leave the past behind. I had to go seek out a great job and new friends. Sure I miss the old times. It was a great experience. That's what I am taking from it. Now I have my own path. I like the freedom. It was scary at first but now I feel I'm going to be fine. No, I'm going to have some things I really wanted for myself. Better than fine. No one can take it away like before.

brokenbride8 posted 4/15/2019 07:10 AM

I had a weak moment late last night...

I was at an event today and saw one of my STBXWH's coworkers. That led to make looking at his coworker's FB page later this evening....turns out my scum of a STBXWH attended the same event WITH THE OW!!!!!

There was a picture of them together!! I can't believe him!! It would be different if he was posed with another woman (since we are going through a divorce), but to attend and publicly take a pic with that home-wrecking bitch sent me in a hard, fast downward spiral. This wasn’t a work event but a public event...

I started bawling in the middle of the grocery store and sending the picture to my family, friends and even his mother (to further prove my point that this IS about her bc he tried to make it seem like it wasn't). He had on new clothes and even began to change his hair...

I basically was howling in tears. I am so devastated. He truly fooled EVERYONE - something my parents even continue to say.

The bad part? I commented on the picture....I've been holding my tongue and taking the high road and being the bigger person during this ENTIRE ordeal. Why should he get to parade her around in public like our divorce is public knowledge? I'm so embarrassed and I hope my comment gains enough traction - I should've exposed the affair a long time ago but was too doped up on HOPIUM.

I didn't say anything threatening or call anyone names, but definitely used a ton of sarcasm and said her entire name (since she doesn't have social media). Since in our state courts don't care about adultery or emotions, I figured it couldn't be used against me in any way. I re-wrote it 1,000x's too and sent it to a couple of friends to make sure i didn't come off "bitter". I’m sure it will get deleted but it hasn’t yet!

I swear my STBXWH better not break NC and say a damn word to me about it!!! My heart was RACING and I was SHAKING las night. Woke up at 2am, 3am, 4am, 6am and now I’m just up.

I’ve been praying and honestly asking God to save him. Praying that for some reason things already haven’t worked out and convinced myself he is actually at home regretting all of this. NOPE!!! Nopity nope!!!Is this another painful sign to eradicate ANY small ounce of hopium I have left in my system?? Seems to be that way...I feel like God is started to tell me to change my prayers and focus on me/moving forward

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 8:58 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

MamaDragon posted 4/15/2019 08:49 AM

(HUGS)

You have made it to the rage stage.

I can't remember, are both your families aware that he is cheating or his work?

AbandonedGuy posted 4/15/2019 11:26 AM

bb8,
5 months is a long time to carry a torch, especially for someone who couldn't give a rat's ass about you doing it. Don't be his sucker waiting in the wings. Based on where it sounds like you're at mentally, he could still at this point come rushing back into your life, fake hat in hand, and you'd take him back. You're free to do what you think is best, but know that by doing so, the chances of you living a happy and fulfilling life with him are still very slim. Meanwhile, he's out there living and laughing and loving it up with some ho. This piece of shit's eating up waaaaay too much of your mental real estate. What are you doing to distract yourself from these feelings? What are you doing to rebuild your sense of self worth? You must be hypervigilant with these things until you're far enough out of the woods emotionally. No more facebook stalking! You're only making it worse on yourself.

The1stWife posted 4/15/2019 11:47 AM

Let your healing begin!

paboy posted 4/15/2019 15:02 PM

Broken,

If you are a God fearing person, than look to him to bring 'light' back into your life. It is 'light' that can force out the 'dark'.

'Light' or 'Intelligence' removes the dark. Look to these for release.


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