Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

2 years married & headed for divorce

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21

Rustylife posted 4/15/2019 16:36 PM

We all falter when we're in pain. But this social media drama does not make you look good. The world in general does not care dude. Your friends and familiy care and you'll have ample time to discuss it with them. Facebook is fakebook.

From where I'm standing, you're the prize and your STBXH is a huge moron making a decision that he'll regret to the end of his days if he cares about having a family in the future. But you're acting like a scorned woman fighting over this scumbag who really does not deserve you or give a shit about you. The way he treated your father and forced you out of your own house always comes to my mind whenever I remember your story. There's just no coming back from that. He is pure scum. You can do so much better even if you stay single your entire life. But a caring and sorted person like you can easily find a better partner if you wish to do so.

steadychevy posted 4/15/2019 17:25 PM

Garth Brooks (adulterer) song - thank God for unanswered prayers. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, we pray for the wrong things and out of mercy God doesn't answer or he answers in an entirely different way. Sometimes we have to just sit and listen. Maybe (and I'm very biased this way) God has something much better in store for you, Broken.

As Rusty said and which I've said previously, you are the prize. Somewhere there is a person who will be a prize for you and you him. Heal yourself and trust.

brokenbride8 posted 4/15/2019 20:32 PM

@MamaDragon & @The1stWife – thank you Yes, both of our families and friends know. Acquaintances and coworkers don’t (aka ppl on social media).

@AbandonedGuy – UUUUUGGGHHH! I hate to admit it, but you’re right. I don’t know why I continuously struggle with trying to understand or uncover meaning I haven’t be able to before. If he can running back today, I can’t 100% say I would take him back – especially seeing the photo of him and the OW and now knowing they are still in contact after all this time. Some days I’m really good at distracting myself and seem to tap into newfound optimism through planning how to pay off my debt, where to travel when this is all over, summer events I’d like to attend to get out more. Seems like “out of sight out of mind” is the best thing for me, but I was triggered and tempted to look after seeing the coworker in person I feel like I was about 20 steps up and that made me fall down a good 8 at least. I don’t know how else to get him out of my head. I’ve tried Reiki, journaling, planning future vacations, cooking, counseling, reading, listening to motivational sermons, taking screen shots of motivational quotes on IG, watching TV and spending time with my family and dog. I’m trying I really am. But it seems like all it takes is for a trigger of some sort and I’m undone again, just like that. I’ve definitely heavily decreased my FB stalking, but I haven’t completely stopped which I know I need to for my own good sighs – curiosity will kill this cat I guess

@paboy – I am. I think I need to change “what” I pray for. Cause at this point, the damage is done and there seems to be no “saving” my STBXWH I pray for discernment, clarity and for Him to make His will known. Part of me wonders if finding things like this and reconfirming his treachery IS God trying to show me I need to let go of whatever I’m even holding on to…

@Rustylife – You’re right…Why is it so hard for me to see myself as the prize? I’ve never had such low self-esteem. My STBXWH was wonderful to me and my family until he just wasn’t anymore. He was consistent, thoughtful, big spender when it comes to gifts, etc. I hate hate hate the feeling that she is reaping all of that and he “chose” her. I feel like I’ve somewhat mentally buried the foolishness of the early stages (including how he pretty much forced me out and treated my dad like crap). I know I shouldn’t do that because I’m basically concealing the ugly truth…and probably because that in itself is something you can’t come back from

@steadychevy – I pray that this is the truth. It’s just so unfair that he gets to continue his love life uninterrupted by jumping all in with this other woman when I (the person who truly cherished our marriage and companionship) now has to be alone and emotionally damaged.

Could it be that my STBXWH found “his soulmate” and that’s why he just couldn’t resist pursuing her and kicking his wife to the curb? Why does he get to live his best life and enjoy his relationship drama free now? Every now and again I can’t help but think how he was comparing us all along and she “won”. I hate her for not even caring that she played a role in destroying a marriage and for being stupid enough to believe whatever he told her as gospel to help rationalize everything.

I loved that man since we were teens and he changed on me. He discarded me. He didn't think I or us or our history was worth fighting for.

beauchateaux posted 4/16/2019 11:51 AM

I feel for you, I REALLY do, but I want to just plainly say that these types of thoughts:

I hate hate hate the feeling that she is reaping all of that and he “chose” her.

It’s just so unfair that he gets to continue his love life uninterrupted by jumping all in with this other woman when I...now have to be alone and emotionally damaged.

Could it be that my STBXWH found “his soulmate” and that’s why he just couldn’t resist pursuing her and kicking his wife to the curb?

Every now and again I can’t help but think how he was comparing us all along and she “won”.

...are NOT helping you right now, and they never will. I see you're putting words like 'won' and 'chose' in quotations so on some level you really don't buy that bullcrap, but you're still thinking this stuff and at least part of you believes it.

Don't allow yourself to stay in this headspace for so long that you become bitter, because it makes it harder to move on. Yes, what happened to you was supremely unfair, but it wasn't really about YOU. That's the bitch of it - he was selfish, she was selfish, and YOU got hurt.

There is no such thing as 'soulmates' or 'true love' - good relationships are made up of honest people with compassion, loyalty and strength who are willing to do the work. Your XWH was NONE of those things, in the end, and THAT is why your marriage failed. Not because he met the 'real' love of his life or because some evil woman cast a spell on him.

He didn't want to continue doing the work, plain and simple. People who don't want to do the work end up not wanting to do the work with ANYBODY, not just a certain type of person.

That relationship won't work out. Then he'll move on to someone else and will screw that up too.

Meanwhile, you don't 'have' to be alone. One day, when you can kick this to the curb, you'll find someone who is willing to do the work WITH you, and you'll see that all this pining and wondering why was just a waste of time. Trust me.

Take care, BB8.

Lp0725 posted 4/16/2019 14:00 PM

I've read through your whole thread over the past few days and I am so sorry for what your STBX did to you. Please be patient with yourself. Understand that you literally have never known adult life without this man by your side. In a way, it's like he died, but even worse because all along he was able to hide this darkness in his heart from you, so you're experiencing cognitive dissonance. I think one day when you move on and meet someone who truly loves you, you'll look back and see there were some red flags you missed, such as the fact that all his friends are scumbags. Good, loyal men don't hang out with a bunch of cheating scumbags. They just don't. I seriously doubt this was the first time he cheated. You just never had a clue because he's obviously a great actor. The fact that all this happened right before you were planning to start a family is no coincidence. The fact he picked an older woman who already had kids (and thus wouldn't be pushing for more kids) who is also inferior to you in every possible way is also no accident. He is probably a covert narcissist or a sociopath. One day you'll see he did you a huge favor in the end by showing you his true character.

It sounds like you've made a lot of progress, but I think you should push yourself a little bit more. Change your last name ASAP. Don't wait for your divorce to be finalized. There's no reason to wait on this. Make the announcement on social media. Delete his family on social media as well and if they try to contact you, tell them nicely that you appreciate their concern but you can't be involved in their lives anymore. They're on your side, yes, but they're also a constant reminder of the past and it's time to cut ties and move on. Go full steam ahead with the divorce and get it done as quickly as possible. Also, I'm sure you're nowhere near ready to date, but have you at least thought about joining a dating site, just to see what's out there and maybe distract yourself a bit? You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, but it sounds like you've gotten into a rut and you need to shake things up a bit. You are young, beautiful inside and out, loyal, intelligent, and have wonderful friends and family. You have so much going for you. Any man would be lucky to have you. This idiot will absolutely regret all of this one day, but by then you won't give a shit because you'll be happily moved on. He's probably regretting it already, but he knows that you'd probably never take him back and even if you did, it would never be the same because you now know he's a wolf in sheep's clothing.

You will eventually heal and be truly happy again, but he is rotten to the core, as is his AP. They are just using each other. He will never be truly happy. Happy, well adjusted people don't have affairs or toss aside their life partner like trash for someone inferior in every way. He deserves a woman like her. She deserves a man like him. You deserve someone who could never even fathom betraying your love and loyalty in this way, and one day you WILL find that person.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 4/16/2019 14:00 PM

So sorry you are here!!!!! May I asked why you guys waited so long to marry? What prompted getting married in 2016?? If were already living together...
I’m curious what the Back history of your relationship. And possibly that it could shed light on his current behavior.

Carissima posted 4/16/2019 14:53 PM

May I ask why you seem to want to the fact you are divorcing a secret? If purple knew you would get so much more support. It's not as if anyone would blame you under the circumstances but you seem to think everything has to be carried out under a veil of secrecy. I simply don't understand the reasoning.

brokenbride8 posted 4/16/2019 21:38 PM

@beauchateaux – I don’t know how to get out of that headspace anymore. I feel like those thoughts are sucking me back in with seeing the trigger/picture of them from this past weekend. I keep trying to tell myself it wasn’t truly about me…but the things that he said to make it partially about me haunt me sometimes. It seemed like he had all of those qualities you listed and more until one day he just didn’t anymore. It’s terrifying to be so close to someone for years and think you know them so well you can finish their sentences then BAM! Who you thought they were is gone. The fact that he didn’t want to do the work with me yet was putting up so much effort in chasing the OW makes me feel unworthy. I pray that there is someone out there for me and I’m not too scarred from this situation to realize it Thank you

@Lp0725 – thank you – I’m certainly trying You’re right! Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how scummy his closest friend was until things went downhill. It terrifies me that I fell in love with (over and over) someone who had the propensity to do me like this. My attorney said I have to wait to change back to my maiden name (not sure if it’s a state rule or what as he mentioned having the documents I need ready on the final court date). I don’t know why I’m even hanging on to some of his family on social media. Most of them don’t seem to care or call themselves “staying out of it” – no one has said anything to me outside of a happy birthday in Jan. I have thought about getting a dating app just to poke around and distract myself, but I haven’t yet. I feel like I need to work on healing a bit more so I don’t get caught up in anything too soon and make a mistake. But you’re right – I am definitely in a rut. My STBXWH has no clue the toll this has taken on me (not that he would care anyway). I just sometimes feel like things have been way too smooth and easy for him (aside from the post D-day fallout evens of course). Thank you again for the pep talk and reminders. Working on going full steam ahead in hopes to get to the other, happier side everyone keeps talking about.

@Hurtbeyondtime – thank you ~ We moved in together in 2014 – got engaged at the end of 2014 year and married in 2016. At the time we both basically felt like there wasn’t a big rush since we’d be together forever (ha! jokes on me) and wanted to have a really nice wedding without accumulating debt. So, we spent a lot of time saving, working side hustles to generate income, etc. And now thousands of dollars later we’re here . The day was literally perfect. To jump back a bit more, we met around the age of 17, started officially dating at 18/19 and never broke up (until now). I went off to college and he stayed local for school but we were inseparable during that timeframe, seeing each other at least 2 weekends out of each month. Our families loved each other and we’ve even been on joint vacations. People would literally say that we were “made for each other” and we felt that way too. Laughed every day, sex ebbed and flowed like most relationships and we worked together well financially. My thread has gotten pretty long, but I explain a few other random tidbits from our relationship together throughout – but this is a bit of the origin story.

@Carissima – My close family and friends know as well as his family & some friends. I honestly think the secrecy (from my perspective) is linked to my embarrassment. I thought I was married to a good man (at least he was at some point) and put our relationship on a pedestal. Not in a braggy or annoying way, but we were best friends so we did just about everything together and I thanked God for him. I’m embarrassed that I thought so highly of him and our relationship. I’m embarrassed that he would not only cheat, but leave me for another woman after all this time (with no remorse). Not everyone is as mature enough in their thinking to believe it had nothing to do with me (like the “all men cheat” people, or “what did you do to deserve this” people etc.), so I fear that some may judge me (especially since he was damn near perfect in everyone’s eyes, so I feel as though they will automatically look at me and question what I did wrong or why I couldn’t keep him). For example, I call myself sharing with someone who was semi-close and she went on a tangent about needing to “save him” and “protect” my marriage and how it’s “just not him” – even after I explained the awful things he did. It was like she was questioning me if I did everything in my power to stop or change this and I felt like it was unfair. It made me question myself and ultimately led me back down a path of confusion and renewed heartache in thinking about things all over again. Sorry to ramble, but a lot of different thoughts and emotions have played into me not exposing the divorce to “everyone” (aka social media + random acquaintances).

keptmyword posted 4/16/2019 22:17 PM

I loved that man since we were teens and he changed on me. He discarded me. He didn't think I or us or our history was worth fighting for.

His infidelity has nothing to do with you and it had nothing to do with your marriage.

It wasn’t because of anything you did or did not do nor anything you said or did not say.

There was nothing you could have done or changed to stop him from doing what he was going to do.

He did not discard you - he’s just running away from his own problems.

Your value and esteem are determined by you and you alone.

Your life and your legacy are not defined by a spouse and a marriage.

Some people know when they have crossed so far beyond a boundary that they don’t have it in them to do what it takes to repair the damage they have done so they just get away from it all.

Burn it into your heart mind and soul that what he did had nothing to do with you.

firenze posted 4/16/2019 22:38 PM

It’s just so unfair that he gets to continue his love life uninterrupted by jumping all in with this other woman when I (the person who truly cherished our marriage and companionship) now has to be alone and emotionally damaged.

It's infuriating, isn't it? My life, my reality, my entire vision for the future was all broken to pieces and I was left alone and an absolute mess of a person while my exWW moved straight into marriage with her AP. What kind of justice is that? I, the one who honored my vows and tried so hard to make the marriage work, got kicked out of my own life and replaced while she, the lying cheating snake who broke all her promises and displayed an absolutely stunning degree of inhuman coldness, got to go on her merry way with a new partner.

I raged over that for longer than I'd like to admit until I came to a realization that in retrospect should've been obvious. I was emotionally damaged because of the affair, yes. But the thing is, so was she. You can't not be deeply damaged and do what my exWW and your STBXH have done. They're incredibly fucked up people with a scary capacity for lies and deception.

However, there's a key difference between us and them. We have the opportunity to heal from the damage they've done. We get to see things the way they are and face reality and come to grips with it and emerge as better, stronger people than we were before. Your WH and my exWW, they chose to continue pursuing their idiotic little fantasies and in order to do so they have to ignore the rubble and ruin that their fantasy is built upon. It's been over three years now and my exWW still hasn't faced up to the truth of what she's done. She clings to her little fantasy with all her feeble strength because the real world outside of it is full of people who see the truth of who she is and what she did and facing them (and facing herself) frightens her too much. Her fear, her pride, and her selfishness have reduced her world to nothing more than a scant few fake friendships and a joke of a marriage that was built on the destruction of a family. That's a small and pitiful existence. It's nothing to envy. Your WH has chosen the same for himself.

Hurtmyheart posted 4/17/2019 07:17 AM

Brokenbride, do you remember I told you the story about my daughter choosing a boyfriend to fix? His family didn't want to help him in any way...no job, driver's license, career goals. His mom and dad have serious marital issues that still go unresolved today. And they are hateful towards each other in the worse way!

The reason I'm telling you this is that I feel your situation is similar to my daughters situation. She is always working to fix her boyfriend. Or go out of her way for him.

This is how I see you with your WH. The difference between you and my daughter is that you are willing to learn the lesson and seek the truth. My daughter is still in her stage in life. She is 21 and knows all the answers.

My daughter has bent over backwards to raise her boyfriend. My daughter has put 40 lbs on, in the last three years to please her boyfriend because she was getting too much attention from other guys (and this made her boyfriend so jealous and insecure), that she gained a lot of weight so that he wouldn't feel this way anymore. It's sad.

I understand how my daughter chose him. Easy. All I have to do is to look at my daughters FOO (my husband and I) and the answers come to me as clear as day. I have also looked at my side of the family and my WH side of the family for answers. What a mess!!!

What was it like growing up in your household? You said that your parents had their issues to the point that they should have divorced. Seems you are also closer to your father.

I believe that you will find the answers as to why you chose your WH by looking into your background family history.

No offense but your WH wasn't perfect and still isn't perfect, esp. today. He is far from perfect. You just didn't see it.

Early on in your post, the way you talked about your WH behavior uncle's behavior was not good.

I think some posters here are trying to get you to see that this situation, your marriage, had a lot of imperfections that you are refusing to see. But just the fact that your WH didn't have a father speaks volumes. You didn't choose this man because of his perfection, you maybe chose him to fix something that needed fixing in your life.

Another thing, everything about you seems perfect. That's what it seems or maybe you think it is?

My brother used to call my WH, kid's and I "The perfect family." I hated it but it did seem that way from the outside looking in, until it wasn't anymore.

I think this may partly be the reason why you are having an esp difficult time with the truth. And this may be why you want to keep things in secrecy, because you will no longer seem perfect in other people's eye's and the facade has been removed. Huge ego blow! Your cover has been blown! I'm sorry if my words sound too harsh to you.

No one on this earth is perfect, not me, not you and especially not your WH.

The best thing that happened in my life is that I no longer have to play the perfect role anymore. My perfect world came crashing down when the truth came out about my WH. I pretty much lost everything, including some very important parts of my relationship. I lost my trust in my WH, I lost my security in the relationship, I lost that perfect image (THANK GOODNESS), I lost the ability to carry on hurtful relationships with others who I didn't want in my life. Honestly, I love that I lost that need to carry on that perfect image of a perfect marriage and a perfect family because today I am free to be me. If others don't like me? Good, stay away! If others don't like how my WH and I spend our money, time and life? Too bad! Go away! If others don't like the way I dress or take care of myself or the way I walk or talk? Not my problem. You get my drift? I used to get so disturbed trying to control how others saw us.

I know you are still hurting, deeply. But, there is a lesson in all of this. Your marriage failed because of a reason and part of the reason is that you chose someone who was way less than perfect, who it seems you were trying to fix and make perfect but it failed because your WH is who he is no matter what you helped him do to become the person he is today. He still is who he is, his FOO.

Do a check into your family history and talk about it on here. Tell us about your family history and why you thought your parents should have divorced. Let's work on fixing this side of the story, you, so that you may begin to heal. And then you can find that perfectly imperfect person (you), and then maybe down the line, find your true soul mate.

This man is not your soulmate. You haven't found him yet. You have work to do on yourself.

If I didn't know some of your WH family history, I would be dumbfounded as to why your WH would choose a divorced older women with kids.

Your WH is now in his element. This is what his comfort zone is. You don't understand it but your WH went back to his roots, what he knows when he chose this women.

The truth shall set you free.

fareast posted 4/17/2019 08:29 AM

BB8:

I know you continue to struggle with how this could happen, and look inward, but there is nothing you ever did or didn’t do that caused your WH to cheat on you and end your M. You were a loving and faithful W who did her best for her M. Please disregard my amateur analysis but IMO your WH has a lot of deep seated insecurities and emotional problems. My guess is that despite having a great W in a long term relationship he allowed resentments to build up because he felt less than in your relationship. Nothing you did caused this. He has a huge ego. But he has no college degree. His family is shit while your family is close knit and caring. My guess is he started to resent everything you have. From my perspective he affaired way, way, way down, so now he is the alpha in his new relationship. This explains all of the bullshit reasons he gave for splitting. In reality he just wanted to feel like the big man in a new relationship instead of in an equally shared loving M. Just my two cents and probably not worth that much.

And quite frankly all of my analysis doesn’t help you moving forward. You need to think less of his bullshit reasons for cheating and focus more on your future and getting out of infidelity. Good luck moving forward.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:15 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

Lp0725 posted 4/17/2019 13:11 PM

It's odd that you're not allowed to change your name prior to the divorce... have you double checked on this? People change their names all the time for no reason at all. Just going back to your maiden name would be such a relief to you. As for the divorce announcement, you don't have to make a big production about it. Just change your Facebook status to "divorced" and change your name. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. Anyone who really matters already knows, and for anyone else it's really none of their damn business! All they need to know is that you're not with scumbag anymore. If someone starts questioning you, just say you don't want to discuss it. Simple as that. No is a complete sentence.

Definitely move forward with deleting his family. Untag yourself in any pics with him and delete the rest. You have to start purging him from your life. It's hard but it's the only way. I've had my heart shattered into pieces several times, and you have to force yourself to move forward or you will stay stuck. You don't have to join a dating site if you feel you're not ready, but it was just something that was helpful to me when I was feeling hopeless and my self esteem had taken a huge hit. It just gave me a little reassurance that there were all these other guys out there chomping at the bit just to talk to me. That's why I suggested it - not so you could date, but just so you could see there are real people out there who see what a catch you are. However, you know yourself best so only do what makes you feel better!

Also, I know there could be no "good" time to find out he was a heartless cheating dirtbag, but at least you found this out now and not in 5 or 10 years after having a couple kids with him. He'd be a horrible father. You get to walk away and never deal with this POS again. Could you imagine having to deal with him and his whore getting joint custody of your children? Having to see his face all the time and coparent with him? Having to take care of young children when you can barely drag yourself out of bed? I've been there, and trust me, it would be so much worse. The father of my oldest child was a serial cheater, and it took soooo much longer to get over him because I wasn't able to just cut ties and walk away. It was a constant reminder of the pain he'd caused me and it was absolutely horrible.

I can tell from your posts what a strong woman you are, even if you don't feel that way right now. There IS a light at the end of this tunnel. I promise you that.

brokenbride8 posted 4/17/2019 21:50 PM

Keptmyword - This…“His infidelity has nothing to do with you and it had nothing to do with your marriage. It wasn’t because of anything you did or did not do nor anything you said or did not say. There was nothing you could have done or changed to stop him from doing what he was going to do.”

I don’t know why I have to constantly remind myself of this…I’m trying to get it through my head that I was powerless in this situation. Maybe that’s one of my lessons in this…I am a very type-A, sometimes overly cautious, plan everything type of person. Perhaps because it gives me a sense of control and there’s comfort in that. This is the first time in my life that I have been completely blindsided by something (outside of family deaths of course) and unable to influence the outcome at all. Who knows…but I appreciate the words.

Firenze – Yes! Especially being such a type-A person who likes to plan in advance. I had the next few years “all mapped out” in my head and heart with my STBXWH. You put it perfectly…it’s like I’ve been kicked out my own life and the OW is the new me who he will fulfill everything with. I’m so sorry your exWW is stuck in fantasy land too. The level of selfishness and pride is incomprehensible to me. I just don’t get it and guess I never will. Call me crazy for continuing to try.

Hurtmyheart – I do remember. It seems like the biggest thing in my story is that I DID help him become a better man. He basically grew into this charismatic, ambitious, ladder climbing go-getter and all of a sudden felt like he didn’t “need” me anymore. I’m so sorry to hear your daughter is dealing with a similar character and changing herself to appease him. Sad indeed…

Growing up, my family was very close (parents, grandparents, 1 sibling). I don’t recall my parents ever being overly affectionate with each other and they definitely had their issues (i.e., fighting, separating for a short stent when I was little – single digits little). I believe they’ve even dealt with infidelity when they were younger (I was too young to really remember and not really spoken of in my adulthood – that’s where I feel like the opportunity to divorce should’ve came in). But the biggest takeaway I get from them is no matter how much they fuss sometimes or don’t communicate well, they will never give up on each other. Married 37 years so far (and dated young).

I am close to both parents, but it ebbs and flows. In this tragedy, moreso my father. He has been one of my biggest supporters through this – always open to listen to me vent at any time of the day and he has given me some of the best pep talks. My mother is more of a hot head. She absolutely HATEs what my STBXWH has done to me (like others of course), but struggles with hiding it or even putting her feelings aside to focus on mine sometimes. For example, if she catches me crying, she will console me very temporarily and then gets really angry. My sister told me that she overheard my mother one day say she really hates my STBXWH for what he has done. Overall she means well, but it’s like she is going through it too.

My relationship with my STBXWH was different from my parents - we had better communication, more shared household responsibilities (which could be a generational thing) – hardly argued, etc. But you’re right – he wasn’t perfect and clearly far from it. What bothers me in this moment is that affair/d-day aside, he did everything right. I thought about it inside and out. Now I just struggle with wondering what was genuine or what was calculated if he was also capable of doing what he has done. Although he didn’t really have a close family (in the tradition sense), I never saw any signs. Honestly, I think him wanting to be better than his dad and the other men in his life propelled him to be just that. But at the end of the day, the outcome is similar – his dad cheated and was absent most of his life.

I’m of course not perfect, but loved him with all my heart and always tried to be what I call a conscious wife, learning from other’s mistakes and wanting to be the best that I could be. If my STBXWH had of sat me down and had a real conversation about the things he has been struggling with and what he wants changed, I would’ve done some self-reflection. Instead, he picked random fights and seemingly got really upset of the silliest things (i.e., not being enthusiastic enough about the potential of relocating for his job). We argued about that and it’s like he stuck with it as his “reason” why he “fell out of love”. I can’t help but wonder sometimes if I didn’t fight and just been enthusiastic what would of happened…it would’ve eliminated his ammunition and one of the reasons he claimed to resent me.

It’s true, the secrecy part…but not only did we seem perfect in other people’s eyes, I truly felt that we were. Not actually perfect because nothing is, but that we were made for each other and God had His hand in our union. That, coupled with the length of time we had been together and all of our amazing experiences together strengthened my rose-colored glasses. Everyone thought I had the most amazing, wonderful man – the kind that makes people ask if he had a brother or cousin or jokingly ask if they can clone him. I believed it to because the behind the scenes was great, not just the image or pictures.

Nothing you are saying sounds harsh so no worries at all! I think there’s something to the FOO thing which in the early stages of this I never considered. I truly felt like he was my soulmate and it’s still hard to swallow now that he isn’t. The other older women isn’t divorced. She has never been married – just has 2 young kids. I will admit that out of all the pictures she doesn’t truly look her age, but still it is what it is. I believe that he IS in his element now, his comfort zone. It’s almost like the life we had together required too much accountability and work.

Fareast – I too believe there’s some deep-seated emotion issues and insecurities at play. I don’t know why they’ve never surfaced before. It’s like this woman triggered something and brought them to the surface. It saddens and shocks me that his ego got so big. I just pray that I gain the strengthen to stop analyzing and trying to figure out the whys…Lord knows he’s not thinking twice about me & fully invested in his new life now.

Lp0725 – Yea it sounds like certain documents have to be in my married name during the divorce proceedings. I did however get the courage to change my name on social media, so that gives me a little peace. I have to remind myself that I don’t need to explain details to folks…I feel like when I share what’s happening I end up word vomiting in and effort to explain how this is truly his fault. I don’t know why I feel guilty deleting his family, but they will have to go eventually. His mother deactivated her FB after hearing about the affair and divorce. I especially struggle with untagging myself from pictures…if he wanted this so badly, there’s a part of me that feels like HE should do all the work. He did it on IG, so not sure what the hold-up is on FB especially sense he actually deleted me. It’s strange…The dating site is a great idea for a self-esteem booster. That’s what I’ve been struggling with tremendously…feeling like I look good enough, my body is desirable enough, etc. I just may try it out. I truly couldn’t even image having a child and dealing with this. I felt like dying after D-day, so having to take care of kids and coparent through this would’ve ended me. My heart goes out to you and those on SI that do have to deal with that infidelity is heartbreaking enough. Thank you so much for seeing strengthen in my posts. It means a lot because on SI is where I feel I can be unfiltered and vulnerable.

Cooley2here posted 4/17/2019 22:25 PM

I want to be gentle with you. You are so young to have your heart broken. Sometimes we are faced with a truth we don’t want see. Your husband grew up with you and all the expectations you and your families had. I do think he loved you. I also think he has moved on. He isn’t the same teenage boy you knew. He is making a new life away from you.
Please try to let go of any hope you might have. I have asked several people I know who cheated and left for the other person. They weren’t miserable in their marriages but they never felt that deep connection that we all want. They all said they were married to really good people but isn’t wasn’t enough. Who knows why one person is more invested than the other. Human beings are a varied bunch.
I hope you accept that you have another life and move on. You have so much to give to someone who will love you back as deeply.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 4/17/2019 23:52 PM

BB8

Thanks for the back story... I was trying to see if he had a history of cheating before and that’s why y’all were hesitant to marry earlier.
I know when my HS/college BF cheated on me (we went to different schools in different towns) I was devastated and didn’t want to ever consider marriage since we were talking about it during college.
It left that bitter taste until my late 20s when I met fWH.

I do know that my BFF endured her xh cheating but he was a classic narcissist and he was still married when she met him. I guess she thought she could change him. But she also changed since she was so much younger than him. Unfortunately he liked young women and has basically traded in the older models for new but every younger ones are that much uglier... I guess he forgot he’s almost 70 now... oops

pureheartkit posted 4/20/2019 23:24 PM

I was reading again the recent homily by Pope Francis for the Easter vigil. He was reflecting on the three women who came to the tomb.

" the journey of these women is also our own"
"At times it seems that everything comes up against a stone......We can be tempted to think that dashed hope is the bleak law of life." But today " we see that our journey is not in vain."

He encourages us all to not lose our hope or become stuck in past hurts but to instead have the courage to roll away the stone of discouragement and seek the light.

There was another part that was repeated encouraging us to seek life and not to look for the living in the places they are not.


I think this is very wise and I thought about it a long time today. For me they go together, lost hope, discouragement and looking back at a life that is no more. Too often Looking back in sadness at the past when I need to be looking forward in happiness because that is where life is. That is where my chance to help others is. We all have stones we can roll away so that we can go forward and be the lights we are intended to be.

It's not easy. No it's not. It takes time and courage and strength. Keep asking for that courage. We need to keep asking and helping each other along the way.

paboy posted 4/21/2019 01:51 AM

BB8,

Perhaps to help you in moving forward. Faith. Sometimes you have to allow God to lead you forward, even when you can not initially see the destination. Because.. he can see it.

With regards to your 'former marriage'. What was uplifting, enhancing, and full of positives, is now a darkened shadow of what should have, would have, could have. Leave the dark shell behind you, and head to things that are again uplifting, enhancing, and full of positives.

You can not plow the field, if you are looking back.

Hope this helps, and my prayers and well wishes for you in going forward.

brokenbride8 posted 4/22/2019 12:15 PM

Cooley2here – That’s what hurts. He just up and one day decided he wanted a new life away from me AFTER we’ve been married two years. Trying my best to move on.

Hurtbeyondtime – No problem at all. Some may disagree, but I truly do believe this was his first time cheating on me which is why it was so colossal. It’s almost like he had to reconcile it against trying to be in a seriously relationship with the OW to prove it was worth it.

Pureheartkit – This is amazing! Thank you for sharing this. I looked it up and gave it a read as well. Some days are better than others, but currently still struggling with the sadness of it all. So much of my future was “supposed” to be with him so certain things knock the wind out of me when I think about what it will look like now. The unknown is tarrying to me.

paboy – working on my faith. I keep trying to tell myself to lean not on my own understanding, but always end up trying to decipher the “whys”. Thank you so much for the prayers as I really need them right now.

Easter was a good day. I went to church with my family, out to lunch and my mom made dinner. The weather was gorgeous which is an instant mood booster…but I did have small moments of sadness.

The change in the weather (as silly as it sounds), made me think of my STBXWH. Thoughts of him grilling, us going out somewhere fun for lunch to enjoy the weather, etc. His mother reached out to me yesterday to wish me a Happy Easter and asked to talk (I did). She just wanted to check on me and I found that her relationship with my STBXWH has seemingly gotten worst. She said it’s very superficial – like walking on egg shells. He asks her about work and she does the same then that’s basically it. There’s nothing else to talk about.

In the heat of it all, any mention of the infidelity, me or the divorce itself would cause him to get frustrated and shut down – so she feels like she can’t even have a real, deep convo with him. She said her brothers and her close friend basically have been trying to make her feel bad for not “letting it go” saying that my STBXWH has to “live his life” and that because he is her son, she should “support him more”. While true, it still stings and shocks me a bit that everyone (after 12 years), is pretending like I never existed and taking this “I don’t want to be involved” approach or simply diminishing it all. They don’t know the blow by blow dirty details that his mom knows, so maybe that’s way. But they have absolutely no interest whatsoever in what happened between us. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that my STBXWH will do what he wants to regardless, but it kills me that he can do what he has done and basically sweep it under the rug without any consequences or having to face any sort of accountability, shame or guilt.

I keep also having thoughts that maybe this WAS partially my fault. I know I know, I really shouldn’t say that or think that way. But in the constant subconscious pursuit of whys, I drift there. Maybe his “reasons” for “falling out of love” were (in his mind) true and valid. Maybe he feels no remorse because in his heart of hearts he truly believes he did the “right” thing. Everyone keeps telling me how blessed I am (even my attorney made a comment about having some angels above looking out for me in this situation), I can’t help but wonder. I spent my 20s being anti-kid. Not wanting to talk or even think about having my own kids yet. I felt like we would be together forever and I had all the time in the world. Once we finally started talking about it seriously (approaching 30), things changed & I softened. But I’m sure him saying my “lack of interest in kids” stems from that time period, but it’s so unfair given that we had surpassed that and had been discussing it/planning for it – Pinterest board and all.

Maybe if I was just ove3r the moon/enthusiastic about relocating for his career and just softer/more open to it – things would be different…I know there’s no changing the past, but I can help but wonder if I had done things differently and he couldn’t craft that “list”, would it have been something else? The “reasons” were such bullcrap to me I feel like he wouldn’t have been able to scrounge up enough issues or have material to create “resentments” from. Sorry to ramble. Having a rough day today…

Approaching a solid 4 months of NC. My heart still aches and my mind still wanders...

Lp0725 posted 4/22/2019 13:39 PM

I think Easter is another perfect example of why you should also go NC with his family. I know his mom means well, but her updating you on your ex and the family's collective rug sweeping of your marriage can't be helpful to you in any way. It's only causing you more pain. You won't get past this until you take the step of separating yourself completely from your ex and his family. Just be honest with her. Tell her that her son made his decision and you have to let go of it all, including her. What you're going through is painful enough. You don't need these reminders throwing salt on your wounds.

As for your regrets, I completely understand all the coulda, woulda, shoulda moments running through your brain. But look at it like this: if that petty bullshit was enough to kill his love for you, then how the hell did you two ever have a chance to make it to death do you part? Marriage is hard. Life is even harder. Imagine if you had gone through post partum depression, or cancer, or been disabled, or lost your jobs, or had a child with special needs, or any of the other million things that can go wrong in life? His love would never have been strong enough to withstand ACTUAL problems. He is just making bullshit excuses to assuage his own guilt and regret about his shitty decisions. I also think he liked the IDEA of children, but when it came down to actually HAVING children, he ran for the door. He's a selfish coward deep down.

It will hurt, but eventually the pain will subside and you'll be happy again. All you can do is push through it.


[This message edited by Lp0725 at 1:41 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy